EXCLUSIVE: TEN BREXIT STRATEGIES TO USE IN BUSINESS NEGOTIATIONS
The Thun (spoof of The Times)

Smith Family Beats World I-Spy Record As Dover Delays Mount

The Smith family from Ipswich have beaten the world I-Spy record by 3 minutes while waiting in Dover to get through customs in France.

Jenny Smith, 34, won the family competition with 20,573 wins compared to Sam, 7, with 20,456, who came second.

The number of I give ups were 12,376.

The number of times C for cars was the solution was 7,456, a record.

S for sun was close behind being used 6,543 times, according to Charlotte, 9, the family statistician.

The waiting continues

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Correction: In yesterday's story: It's Too Hot, Who's To Blame For This Abomination? it seems there was an error: We have been told that 'Brexit means Brexit' means exactly what it says and does not mean something else, we are happy to set the record straight. [link]

FREE BREXIT RECIPES FOR EVERY READER
treehuggian (The Guardian)

French Border Guard Was 'Single Snarly Dog'

The first car to get through French customs yesterday evening after a 34 hour wait told reporters in Calais that the customs officer they saw was a single dog, that's according to a family of 5 from Surry, the Hottleshot-Smythes.

Gemima Hottleshot-Smythe, 43, told of her frustration that after the wait she was simply waved through after patting the dog on its head.

250,000 people are believed to be waiting to meet the French dog before they are allowed into the country for what is expected to be a particularly sniffy reception across Europe after the Brexit vote.

A spokesman for the French customs office told this newspaper that they were unable to answer our questions until after lunch Wednesday.

The waiting for lunch to end continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Also In Today's Paper:

Ten Games To Play In The Car That Can Last 14 Hours or More

Ten I-Spy With My Little Eye Words They'll Never Ever Get

Michael Gove Gives Us His Cooking Tips [link]

JEREMY CORBYN IMAGE APPEARS IN PIECE OF TOAST
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I have noticed that the really pink to lobster pink suntanned Brits are some of the most hilarious people out there. It's such a shame they are leaving Europe, I was starting to get to like them.

Yours, Harry Osmojunkinski, France

Dear Sir,

I have been sitting here for 24 hours waiting to get into Dover. The queue hasn't moved for 6 hours now. 'Are you absolutely sure this isn't a car park' my husband says. I screamed then realised he was right. I feel like a dufus now. Please don't print this letter I would be embarrassed.

Yours, Jenny Gumption

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

I have an idea for a new tv dating show. People dress up as oversized all over the body football mascots and date each other. Not only would it be hilarious, it would allow some lucrative on screen placement ads to be put in. I am happy to sell my idea for $34mn to any television company who is interested.

Yours, Fred Cowell [link]

EXCLUSIVE: WHEN BREXIT MEANS BREAKFAST - TEN TELL TALE SIGNS
The Thun (spoof of The Times)

'Foreign Secretary Gives Us His Hair Tips' Column Dropped

Today here at The Thun we, with great sadness, drop our exclusive feature with former Foreign Secretary Philip Hammond giving us his weekly hairstyling tips and tricks.

It is our belief that Boris Johnson, the new Foreign Secretary, cannot give us the required gravitas in such an esteemed organ such as wot ours is.

Boris Johnson's hair looks like poop.

That is all.

Editor, The Thun

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Correction: In yesterday's story: 10 More Crazy Things Andrea Leadsom Said it seems there was an error: Andrea Leadsom did not claim to have been told by God that one of her jokes was really funny, we are happy to set the record straight. [link]

FREE BREXIT MOTORING GUIDE FOR EVERY READER
treehuggian (The Guardian)

Plans Uncovered To Trigger Article 5 Ten Times, Says Sturgeon

Secret plans to trigger Article 5 ten times, instead of Article 50 once, have been uncovered this morning. Article 50 is the thingie they say you have to trigger if you want to leave the EU, according to our EU expert.

The claims seemed to be mentioned during an interview on the telly with the Scottish first minister, Nicola Sturgeon, but we were unable to listen to the sound at the time.

Our political correspondent told this newspaper: "Even though I was unable to hear what she said, and am no lip reader, it was clear that her intention was to trigger article 5, say, two times, which would be 8 times too few to allow for a successful Brexit.

A Brexit expert did not return our calls when we called.

The Are We Out Yet? continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Also In Today's Paper:

Controversy As It's Discovered That 'Angela Eagle's Constituency Brick Through Window' Wasn't Through Her Window At All

Andrea Leadsom Told By God To Wear That Orange Dress As 'It Is Hot Today'

"I Wouldn't Trust A Man To Look After My Pet Fish," Says Leadsom [link]

JEREMY CORBYN TO USE THE FORCE TO QUELL DISPUTES IF HE BECOMES PM, SAYS EMAIL
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Well done to Theresa May for making Boris Johnson be Foreign Secretary. There is no better example of a self hair styled man than Boris and he always looks like he has just been through a big explosion which is a useful look these days on the international stage.

Yours, Ben May

Dear Sir,

So Hammond and May are in the cabinet and Jeremy is leader of Her Majesty's Loyal Opposition? These former Top Gear chums didn't waste any time in getting other jobs after leaving the BBC did they? Wa hey hey hey heeeyyyyy!!!

Yours, Chris Evans

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

Are Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston being referred to as Tato in the media yet? It's only a matter of time in my judgment.

Yours, Shirley Potato [link]

EXCLUSIVE: WHEN BREXIT DOESN'T MEAN BREXIT - TEN TELLTALE SIGNS
The Thun (spoof of The Times)

Brexit Means Brexit, Confirms New PM May

Theresa May confirmed, today, that Brexit means Brexit in a short speech to begin her campaign to become prime minister, just minutes before becoming prime minister this afternoon.

Mad May

Explaining to journalists, May, 59, said that a Brexit will not be a brexity Brexit, and neither a brexitish Brexit, or even the rarer brexicalogical Brexit either, but a Brexit brexit which is what we all voted for.

"Nobody voted for a brexity Brexit," May continued. "And many will feel cheated if we had a brexitish Brexit," she seemed to conclude.

The what the hell does Brexit mean anyway continues

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Correction: In yesterday's story: Leadsom Apologises For Family it seems there was an error: Andrea Leadsom did not claim to have 'bionic ovaries' as we claimed in our Twitter feed. We are happy to set the record straight. [link]

FREE BREXIT DIY TIPS FOR EVERY READER
Socialist Dantooine

It Says Angela Not Argh Says Angela Eagle

Angela Eagle claimed that her new election logo is her signature, and not Argh! as many claimed last night, only hours after announcing her intention to run against Jeremy Corbyn for leader of the Labour Party.

Angela - Real leadership

Angela Eagle, who confusingly uses a soft g in Angela but a hard g in Eagle, and not the back of the throat hard g in German leader AnGela Merkel's first name, says she intends to become Labour's first female prime minister.

The Arghhh! continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Also In Today's Paper:

Ten Things To Put On Your CV To Guarantee You Become Prime Minister

Am I A Secret Bregretter? Ten Telltale Signs

Flexit For Brexit: Take Part In Our Brilliant New Workout [link]

'MAD HAIR MAY' SET TO BECOME PM BY WEDNESDAY
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

David Cameron was singing Ma Na Ma Na as he walked back into Number 10 this week. Any chance of playing it on your wobegotten site?

Yours, Frenchy Peston

Dear Sir,

Well done to David Cameron, soon to be former PM, for his rendition of Ma Na Ma Nah whilst walking back into Number 10 Downing Street last night.

Yours, Bob Cameron

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

I do hope David Cameron is going to bring out his own version of Ma Na Ma Na, with all of the cabinet as backing singers. It would be a suitable end to his prime ministership.

Yours, Benny Jet [link]

EXCLUSIVE: TOM HIDDLESTON GOES ON HOLIDAY WITH TAYLOR SWIFT, SINGS ELVIS PRESLEY SONG
The Thun (spoof of The Times)

Conservative Party To Elect New Margaret Thatcher

The Conservative Party today came a step closer to electing a new Margaret Thatcher to become Prime Minister today, bringing to two the number of Margaret Thatchers to lead the Conservative Party in its history.

The two candidates for the leadership contest are Margaret 'Theresa May' Thatcher and Margaret 'Andrea Leadsom' Thatcher, both women.

Margaret Thatcher I came to fame in the 1970s and is widely admired as the savior of the British economy from the bastard unions. Thatcher I also managed to control the befuddled US president of the day and ended the Soviet Union with her handbag. A tough act to follow the old Margaret Thatcher whoever she will be.

The Maggie II Continues

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Correction: In yesterday's story: Michael Gove Knocked Out it seems there was an error: Punching a man in the face with glasses on has the same sentence as punching a man in the face if you aren't wearing any glasses, we are happy to set the record straight. [link]

FREE JEDI MASTER DIY TIPS FOR EVERY READER
Socialist Dantooine

Jedi Master Corbyn Quells Labour Rebels Using Sinister Powers

Jedi Master Jeremy Corbyn has seen off the Parliamentary Labour Party rebel alliance attack today, using a trademark Jedi mind trick learned over centuries of fighting evil.

Despite the apparently overwhelming odds of the number of rebels set against him, Corbyn, the same age as Alec Guinness, prevailed with a slight smirk hiding complex mind machinations going on below the surface.

The power of the force was felt most strongly in the home of Tristran Hunt, Labour MP, who was unable to turn his hot water taps on all day Wednesday.

The Force continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Also In Today's Paper:

Ten Things To Put On Your CV To Guarantee You Become Prime Minister

Ten Things To Do With Your Loser Remainer Family Members

Are We Out Of Europe Yet? [link]

IS MICHAEL GOVE FINISHED IN POLITICS? OUR EXPERTS SET OUT THEIR STALLS
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I can't wait for the Michael Gove Specsavers ad.

Yours, Jimmy Peston

Dear Sir,

With Boris in the news so much of late it reminds me how few girls today are named the female equivalent, Doris. It's such a shame.

Yours, Doris Bungleton-Hewittsmith

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

What are Wales playing at? They voted to leave the Euros in the referendum. Good old England got out of the competition as soon as they could. No messing there.

Yours, Benny Jet [link]

EXCLUSIVE: TOM HIDDLESTON SINGS KATY PERRY SONG WHILE STANDING IN LIFT
The Thun (spoof of The Times)

Top Ten Reasons Michael Gove Is Not Equipped To Be Prime Minister, By Michael Gove

Michael Gove told us in January 2013: "I would be an absolutely useless prime minister, and I would be happy to write this down in writing," the former Health Secretary told this newspaper.

We asked him to give us further examples of how useless he would be as prime minister. He told us: "Well, for instance, I forget people's names all the while. My default is that I call everyone Rupert which clearly has endeared me to Mr Murdoch. But let me help you out I have an A4 laminated handout, here. I give this out to journalists who want to know how useless I would be as prime minister. Enjoy."

This is the laminated top ten he handed us in 2013:

10) I am inexorably unable to do the Blue Steel modeling pose because my tongue always sticks out of my lips

9) I can never decide whether to have tea or coffee, so I always end up having two cups and only drinking one of them. This is terribly wasteful and is something of which I am ashamed, and completely disables me from being prime minister, although I would be very good at making the tea, or coffee, for more decisive people

8) Once I open a ministerial red box I am completely unable to stop until I have completed the whole box, and then I have to check it again. This can sometimes take three days of solid reading which make people ask me if I am a vampire as that is what I look like when I have finished

7) Once I lost my glasses and was stuck in a building until I was rescued by one of the prime minister's SPAD's. I would never be able to recruit SPAD's that competent if I was prime minister. I would muck that up entirely and could be stuck in buildings without any hope of a rescue. That would be bad

6) At lunch times I insist on eating exactly 6 different types of vegetables in a meal even if only 5 are on the menu. I can tell you now that this does not endear me to waiting staff

5) I whine a lot

4) Rupert Murdoch has frequently fallen to sleep during meetings with me

3) John Major frequently Tweets me to tell me that I had no charisma

2) My wife always tells me what to do

1) Theresa May hates me and she is going to be prime minister and she wouldn't allow me to be too

The MG Continues

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Correction: In yesterday's story: Buy One Get One Free: Genuine Michael Gove Spectacles Give Away Sale it seems there was an error: They are £7.70 a pair and not £77.70 as we printed. [link]

EXCLUSIVE: TEN MICHAEL GOVE CHAT UP LINES
LeMonade - Le Monde parody

Top Five Reasons Michael Gove Must Never Be Prime Minister

Michael Gove Gurning

Michael Gove sneering

Michael Gove - Hello

Michael Gove lisping

Michael Gove - child like

The Mr Bean continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Also In Today's Paper:

Is Michael Gove Eating Your Sandwiches? Ten Tell Tale Signs

Are You Michael Gove? Take Our Brilliant Quiz

Free Michael Gove Wrestling Mask For Every Reader Insider Today [link]

IS A ZOMBIE MICHAEL GOVE THE WORST ZOMBIE IDEA EVER? YES SAY OUR PANEL OF EXPERTS
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

At last a Mr Bean character in frontline British politics. I so much miss Ed Miliband and his chaotic eating style. Welcome Michael Gove. Fancy a bacon sarnie?

Yours, Ed Miliband

Dear Sir,

Michael Gove should be the next prime minister and Boris Johnson should be Chancellor of the Exchequer. See, how hard was that? All this faffing about and the Conservative Party will come to the wrong decision you see.

Yours, Harold 'Brexit' Shipman

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

So, if England beat Wales and Wales beat Belgium and Iceland beat England does that mean Iceland are set to win the Euros? Stranger things have happened.

Yours, Gary Statistician [link]

EXCLUSIVE: TOM HIDDLESTON SINGS TAYLOR SWIFT SONG WHILE STANDING IN LIFT
The Thun (spoof of The Times)

1.1 Million #BREGRETTERS To Take Part In ITV2 Reality Series

The 1.1 million people who said they voted Leave but now want to vote Remain in the EU referendum are to get their own reality television show, according to the company behind Joey Essex at itv2.

What is described as a living disaster reality show in which people make terrible mistakes that plunge the country into crisis, viewers will watch voters come to terms with what they did with their erratic votes in a light hearted comedic way, according to producers.

Lisa Godfrey, 19, from Colchester was one of the first to be signed to the itv2 show. She told this newspaper: "I like drinking tea. I thought, oooo yummy, tea leaves are on the ballot paper so I just put my cross next to it. I wasn't thinking but now I want to remain. What do I do?"

Mark Brighton of east London told this newspaper: "I voted Leave because my Dad told me to vote for it, but he phoned me afterwards and laughed and said he was only joking and he thought I was a stupid idiot."

The Brexit Fallout Continues

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Correction: In yesterday's story: Was David Cameron The Stupidest Prime Minister Ever? it seems there was an error: David Cameron is a descendant of King William IV and not a King Charles Spaniel as we claimed. [link]

TEN THINGS YOU CAN DO NOW IF YOU VOTED LEAVE BUT NOW WISH YOU VOTED REMAIN
LeMonade - Le Monde parody

1.1 Million Voters Don't Know Difference Between Leave And Remain

The Joey Essexisation of British education continued today with 1.1 million voters claiming they don't know the difference between remain and leave, according to a man in Enfield Essex.

If true it shows how 1.1 million people selected the wrong option on the referendum form which used both words as options for people to put a cross against.

Zoey Essex, 19, told this newspaper: "What's the difference between Leave or Remain? I thought they meant the same thing."

Meanwhile in Parliament David Cameron says he is to leave as prime minister but will remain in office for the time being.

The zombie government continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Also In Today's Paper:

Ten Ways To Spot A Referendum Voter Who Voted Leave When They Meant To Vote Remain

Ten Things You Should Say To A Leave Voter Who Now Wishes They Voted Remain

Free Michael Gove Mask For Every Reader Insider Today [link]

BREXIT CRISIS: WITH POUND FALLING TO THIRTY YEAR LOW, POUNDLAND SET TO RAISE PRICES THIS WEEK
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

So has David Cameron remained as Prime Minister or did he leave following his resignation this week? This English words thing is more complicated than I thought. It looks to me as if he has remained as prime minister, but I thought he said he was leaving? No wonder 1.1 million poorly educated voters can't tell the difference between the two words with the prime minister carrying on this way.

Yours, Jean Smith

Dear Sir,

Isn't 'remain' a silly word? It sounds like you are leaving doesn't it? or is it just me? Thankfully I had already decided to vote for the first option whatever it was on the referendum paper so luckily I voted remain. My advice to people is always to vote for the first thing on any voting paper, you never get it wrong then.

Yours, Zoey Aaron-Carter

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

Don't remainder and leavings mean sort of the same thing? I'm so confused right now, especially now David Cameron leaves but is still remaining in office. Help.

Yours, Gary Bumptious [link]

EXCLUSIVE: TOM HIDDLESTON GIVES US HIS DATING TIPS
The Thun (spoof of The Times)

95% Of Pollsters Wish They Were On Holiday Right Now, According to Latest Poll

Jimmy Pollsters, of Pollsters, Pollsters And Pollsters (Great Britain), who predicted a comfortable win for pollsters in the latest referendum, was unavailable for comment last night 'whilst his latest cheque was being cleared', his assistant told this newspaper.

Pollsters, 45, came to prominence with polls so apparently wildly off the mark at first glance that people would look at what he said and think there was an error but later find out that his poll was the closest to the right answer to any other poll there was. He came to the attention of the mainstream in 2013 following an internet documentary in which he showed how he got his wildly accurate polling figures, some of which included counting the hairs on his dog's nose, how many bottles of beer he could drink and still be able to type his name, and spitting on an opened newspaper and then taking the nearest number to the spittle he could find.

His final poll showed Leave at 1945% and Remain at 4.

The Polling Continues

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Correction: In yesterday's story: Jeremy Corby Is Outted As Jedi Master After Pulling Off The Brexit He Had Been Arguing For The Last 40 Years it seems there was an error: Nigel Farage looks like a frog, and not a dog as we claimed - we are happy to set the record straight. [link]

TEN THINGS YOU CAN DO NOW AFTER BREXIT THAT YOU COULDN'T DO BEFORE
LeMonade - Le Monde parody

You Have Got To Be Merdeing Kidding Us

Zut Alors! We love the British sense of humour, never better than Bernard Manning in that television special of 1971, but leaving the EU? This is some sort of joke right? You'll have another referendum later and confirm you're staying, now you've given this pissy fit a try, right?

You know that Boris Johnson was the dick who got stick up on that zip wire at the Olympics right? I mean your media reported that right?

Even that fat English bloke on American television told you not to go. Don't you listen to David Beckham any more? (We stopped listening to Gary Lineker years ago too.)

Nigel farage (Frog) By Bignoter (English WP) [GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html) or CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/)], via Wikimedia Commons

Farage, 50, above, meeting supporters as poll results became clear this morning..

The Are You Crazy? continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Also In Today's Paper:

David Cameron Wipes Tears Away Using SPAD's Shirt While He Was Still Wearing It

Who'd You Rather, Brexit Special? Boris Johnson Stuck On A Zip Wire At The Olympics or Boris Johnson Falling Over In Mud

Ten Things You Can Now Do Better Outside Europe [link]

BANK OF ENGLAND SET TO START CLOSING DOWN SALE
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Does anybody know when the movie Independence Day is on the telly next? I'm in the mood for it right now.

Yours, George Porgie

Dear Sir,

So this, now, is like the boring bit of the Eurovision Song Contest when all the results come in? I'm sure Malta will still give us 12 points.

Yours, Harry Fredstone

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

Moody's have reduced our credit thingie from stable to negative. Can't we send Brexit Queen Joan Collins round to sort them out? Nobody said this would be easy.

Yours, Jeremy Clarkson-Paxman [link]