INSIDE: WALKERS 10 TIMES MORE LIKELY TO INJURE THEMSELVES WHILE WALKING THAN THOSE WHO DON'T, SAYS SURVEY
The Thun

Two Out Of Control White Guys Shock Tories

England: David Cameron was clinging on to the stair banister to stop himself falling all the way down the stairs this morning as the prospects of a whole stream of resignations seemed likely when two occurred in a matter of a few hours, cluster experts explained last night.

The double whammy was dealt to the Conservative leadership when, soon after one Tory quit, another one did too, shocking Tories across the country already reeling from earlier resignations.

If the number of resignations continues at this rate there won't be any Tory Party members left in parliament in 152 days.

The government continues.

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'World Waiting For First All Female Top Gun Topless Volleyball Scene' it seems that there were a number of errors: In France bombs are called bombs and not bauwmbs as our expert, Inspector Clouseau, claimed. Topless female volleyball is not an Olympic sport as we reported. Topless volleyball is defined as volleyball played without anything on the top half of the body but does not include a hat, we are happy to set the record straight. [link]

HOW TO COUGH YOUR WAY
TO PERFECT ABS
Daily Stir

SWOONEY CLOONEY NO LONGER ALONEY

Venice, Europe: Hollywood superstar heart throb George Clooney risked having to get out of the sea in a wet shirt all Mr Darcy like if he fell in, as he was whisked through the Venice waters in a speed boat on his way to getting married, yesterday.

Married in Italy's waterily romantic Venice, the Hollywood superstar hung up his bachelor shoes once and for all and got married.

Clooney, married for the first time, then ate lunch before retiring to bed.

Meanwhile in London: A George Clooney smoking jacket and matching pipe is sold for £5000, a record.

The marriage continues.

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

On The Positive Side: 56 Year Old Tory Knows How To Use A Camera Phone - Have Your Say

Ed Miliband Forgets Deficit Once Again While Out Shopping With Wife, Says Bloke On Fish Counter

Man Bends iPhone 6 Plus Into Snoopy Shape [link]

WHAT IS THE BEST WAY FOR BALD GUYS TO SHAMPOO THEIR HEAD? TOP TEN TIPS
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Imagine my horror to see the link on your website 'Second Tory Defecates To UKIP'. Surely you meant defects? The errors on your website continue to grow by the day. It's a disgrace!

Yours, Bobby Whotsits

Dear Sir,

Imagine my horror to see the explicit image sent by that Tory unpixellated but next to a picture of Pixie Lott on your increasingly error ridden website. Was there some sort of editorial breakdown? Did you tell your staff to pixellate the image a lot and they misunderstood you? Because I got an eyeful and so did my dog.

Yours, Benny Fridge

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Dear Sir,

With prospects of a warm October I am wondering if the term Indian Summer is racist? I can just imagine a nice dinner party ending in a haranguing match after I say such a thing if it is in any way offensive as I live in Essex and everybody acts like they are on Jeremy Kyle these days.

Yours, Brendan Halogen [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO BUILD AN ENGLISH PARLIAMENT FOR UNDER £450 MILLION
The Thun

Queen Did Not 'Purr Like An Actual Cat', Admits Cameron

New York: David Cameron, speaking to the mayor of New York, today, was overheard claiming the Queen 'purred like a cat' when she was told that Scotland had voted to stay in the Union, it is being reported in the media.

But when pressed in questioning later it transpired that the Queen did not actually purr like an actual cat, and just sounded happy.

Cameron, 6ft 1in, made the name droppy comments at a drinks party at which only Americans were impressed with his story.

Our Royal expert said he was surprised by the comments. "The Queen is more of a dogs person. Had Cameron said she yapped like a corgi it would have sounded more believable. Although I wouldn't have believed that either."

The government continues.

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Andrew Marr's Gordon Brown Impression Makes Ed Miliband Titter' it seems that there were a number of errors: Marr, 53, did not say to Miliband 'Titter ye not' as we claimed. David Miliband was not 3 inches taller than his younger brother Ed Miliband as we reported. The advert to the left of the story claimed that Lidl champagne was £16.99, but it should have read £15.99, we are happy to set the record straight. [link]

IS YOUR PARTNER TRYING TO KILL YOU? TEN TELL TALE SIGNS
Daily Stir

Has David Beckham's New iPhone 6 Plus Bended?

Somewhere, America: Media across the world were scrambling last night to find out if David Beckham has bought an iPhone 6 Plus and then put it in his pocket and it bended, it was revealed last night.

Late night chat show hosts in America were said to be on standby for the news with a bundle of jokes at the ex England captain's expense.

There was a movie called Bend It Like Beckham once, a tribute to the star footballer who could make footballs go into the goal as if they were rolling along an invisible banana in the air.

"David Beckham's new iPhone 6 Plus would bend if he put it in his pocket and he wears skinny type or tight type jeans", an expert confirmed last night.

The sales fever pitch continues.

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

David Cameron: 'I barked like a moose when I heard Scotland had voted No"

What animal impressions did you make when Scotland voted No? Have Your Say

Can You Bend Your iPhone 6 Plus into a Right Angle? Our Experts Give It A Try [link]

HOW TO PURR LIKE A CAT
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Tescos seems to have lost £250million. That's almost £3.50 for every person in the country. £3.50 is the price of a pack of 6 finest sausages. How on earth can you possibly lose 65 million packs of sausages? It's just crazy.

Yours, Jimmy Rat

Dear Sir,

David Cameron ought to be ashamed of himself when he said the Queen 'purred like a cat' when she was told that Scotland had voted no. I often make animal noises when telesales people ring me. Maybe The Queen does the same thing?

Yours, Johnny Fridge

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Dear Sir,

Did I get your story right that Ed Sheenan went into a toilet in Copenhagen and wrote 'Little Things' for One Direction? It's the funniest thing I have ever heard. Give yourselves a comedy award at once!

Yours, Harry Shock [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO MAKE A SCOTCH EGG USING JUST INGREDIENTS FROM ENGLAND
The Thun

Westminster Leaders Confirm Scotland Will Get 'Devo Mad Max' As Promised

Referendum - Glasgow, Still In Scotland: Scotland will get the Devo Mad Max they were promised at the last minute before the referendum by the Westminister Three, it was confirmed on the telly this morning.

Scotland's new Devo Mad Max should not be confused with the movie Mad Max because it starred Mel Gibson, who also starred in the movie Braveheart, according to an expert.

Mad Max included a series of exciting explosions and cinematically attractive incidents, according to one movie goer.

Meanwhile in London: Ed Miliband struggles to eat a bacon sandwich without spitting.

The argie bargie begins.

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'List Of Things Scotland Will Get After Referendum' it seems that there were a number of errors: The first three things should be deleted. The next four things are not possible within the next 15 years. The final 5 things are completely impossible and it is amazing nobody noticed at the time. We are happy to set the record straight. [link]

SCOTLAND INDEPENDENCE: WHAT DOES THE RESULT MEAN TO THESE TOPLESS HOTTIES?
Daily Stir

SCOTLAND GETS MOTHER OF ALL HANGOVERS

Scotland, Still Near England: Scotland awoke this morning not knowing what the hell it had done last week, as it was revealed that over 2 million people voted to keep them ensconced in the cosy onesie that is the United Kingdom.

The continuation of the kangaroo shaped onesie of warmness that is the UK was widely applauded by some rioting in the streets of Glasgow, the only major city to say "Yes" to independence, along with Andy Murray.

UK - Kangaroo

The shafting of Scotland begins.

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

English Devolution Tipped To Be 2015 Edinburgh Fringe Best Joke Of The Year, Says Dave

Calls For Glasgow To Get Independence After Vote

Questions Nobody Asked Last Week: What Does Gordon Brown Look Like In A Kilt Anyway? [link]

SCOTLAND POLL SHOCK LATEST: ENGLAND WINS
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I live in the south of England. I owe a person in Glasgow £10. Since England won the referendum, does this now mean I don't have to pay him back?

Yours, Hamish McEnglish

Dear Sir,

In an alternative universe Scotland has just voted for independence and have been told by the European Union they can be fast tracked to join the European union in three months. Just thought you would like to know that.

Yours, Harry Darling

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Dear Sir,

Here's my last call to any American who would like to take my 'How To Speak Geordie English' course. Ooorry oop mun, toime's a chuggin!

Yours, Jimmy Nailer [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO MAKE AN OMLETTE WITHOUT BREAKING AN EGG
Daily Mirror

Scotland Set To Get Drunk

Glasgow, Scotland: Scotland is set to drink like it's 1999 for the twenty-seventh time today as the polling booths close at 10pm tonight.

The 307 year union between Scotland and England, which has lasted more than 300 years, hangs in the balance and few in Scotland expect to hear the final result not in a deep whisky funk which will help to make losing more bearable.

"My only hope is that the result is quick and it doesn't drag on, I've got work Monday morning," said one Glaswegian who said he hoped for a Yes vote.

Meanwhile, David Cameron is expected to spend the last day of canvassing here in Scotland buying people drinks in a last desperate attempt to keep Scotland from leaving the UK.

David Cameron continues.

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'I'm an effing Tory, says Cameron' it seems that there were a number of errors: There are no f's in the spellings of David Cameron, Ed Miliband or Nick Clegg, we are happy to set the record straight. David Cameron has not copyrighted the sentence 'I'm an effing Tory' for his autobiography, as we reported. The last prime minister to swear in public was, in fact, William Gladstone. He called a reporter a c**t. [link]

SCOTLAND INDEPENDENCE: "GET YOUR GORDON BROWN 'VOTE NO' EARS INSIDE TODAY"
Daily Stir

Gordon Brown: 'Read My Ears - No Thanks'

Scotland, Near England: A shocking picture has emerged with Gordon Brown wearing the 'No Thanks' logo as if they were Mickey Mouse ears.

Mickey Mouse Ears - unofficial

A No Thanks supporter joked: "Please don't show the Yes campaign this picture, we'll never hear the last of it."

A member of the Yes campaign, who we showed the picture to, said: "Ha, Mickey Mouse ears. Ha! I knew it."

The previous No Thanks supporter said: "Doh!"

An expert in ears said they should be worn like the bloke below:

Mickey Mouse ears - official

The referendum continues.

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

As Betfair Pay Out For A No Vote Early, We Ask What Happens If They Are Wrong?

Now Betfair Have Said It's A No Vote Is There Any Point In Voting Tomorrow? Have Your Say

Should Ed Miliband's Call For Everyone To Wear A Kilt In Support Of Scotland Thursday Be Ignored? Yes, Say Our Experts [link]

SCOTLAND POLL SHOCK LATEST: NO COULD WIN BY 20% SAYS EXPERT
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I do hope if Scotland decides to vote 'Yes' on Thursday that some wag in the newspapers writes the headline the next day It's ARMcGEDDON! Geddit?

Yours, Cyril Buckshot

Dear Sir,

If Scotland decide to vote 'Yes' I'm boycotting McDonalds.

Yours, Tiny Tim

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Dear Sir,

Does anybody know if Chicken McNuggets are Scottish?

Yours, Jimmy Fellon [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO MAKE YOUR OWN SALTIRE FLAG OUT OF AN OLD DRESS
Daily Mirror

Prime Minister Throws Kitchen Sink At Scotland

London, United Kingdom: David Cameron, in a freakish feat of human super strength, ripped his sink from his Downing Street kitchen and threw it in the general direction of Scotland last night as tensions over Scotland continues to grow on a knife edge.

Cameron, 14 stone 7lbs, is believed to have gotten some hard stares from his wife after the event which prevented the couple from doing the washing up with their own hands after tea.

A spokesman for Number 10 confirmed the incident and said that a Scottish plumber had been called and he should be able to turn up on Friday morning.

Ironically, Friday morning is the same morning that we will finally know if Scotland has decided to stick two fingers up at England and go their own way, taking all the oil, fish and plumbers with them.

The tension continues to mount.

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Best Way To Vote 'Yes' Is To Vote 'No', Says PM' it seems that there were a number of errors: Kippers are Scottish and not English even if they have been bought from a Tesco's in England as we claimed. Yes is spelled Y-E-S in Scottish and not A-Y-E which is another word, we are happy to set the record straight. The audio clip was Mull Of Kintyre played by a bagpipe under water. [link]

SIMON COWELL: "SCOTLAND COULD GET THEIR OWN X FACTOR IF THEY VOTE FOR INDEPENDENCE AND THE MONEY IS RIGHT"
Daily Stir

'Britain's Flag Without Scotland's Blue Bit Will Look Doolally', Says Ex General

England, Near Scotland: One of the most patriotic people in the country slammed Scotland for wanting to take their blue bits out of the Union Flag this morning.

Union Flag

Without the blue and white cross of the Saltire, the union flag could look all red and white if Wales continues to be ignored in the flag, an event thought to be very likely because green and a dragon would look stupid, it is thought.

"They will completely destroy a flag we have been using for 300 years. Who will gain from this? It's a disaster' said General George Cross, 76, asking for us not to publish what he had said when he suddenly realised he hadn't said what he was saying was off the record which means we can legally print exactly what he said.

The waiting continues.

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

Scotland Referendum Count Could Take The Next 18 Months, Says Expert

Should Lulu Be Banned From England? Have Your Say

Is Nigel Farage The Last Person David Cameron Will Ask To Conduct Scotland Independence Negotiations If They Vote Yes On Thursday? [link]

SCOTLAND POLL SHOCK LATEST: NO VOTE SET TO WIN EASILY ON THURSDAY AFTER ONLY POLL THAT PUT YES AHEAD REVEALED AS BEING STUPID
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Well done to Nick Stoeberl for having the world's longest tongue. Only 4 inches long, though? I thought the world's longest tongue would be much longer than that. I mean you can't even lick the bottom of a catering size jam jar with only 4 inches can you? 

Yours, Ben Bungee

Dear Sir,

Am I the only person in the country to think that the evening local news magazine programme's are far too long? All the national and international news seems to fit easily into 30 minutes every evening, so why does the local bit take any longer than, say 3 minutes? I bet there's a fair amount of filler in there every evening to get it to stretch to 30 minutes.

Yours, Honey Golightly

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Dear Sir,

I am warning poets now to stop being so sentimental if Scotland decide to go on Thursday. I say let them go and nobody say a word.

Yours, Mary Berryfruits [link]

Three Leaders
INSIDE: HOW TO SIGN ALL THE LOCAL COUNCIL FORMS YOU NEED TO ENABLE YOU TO FLY A SALTIRE FLAG IN UNDER 156 DAYS
Daily Mirror

Prime Minister Uses 'New Scottish Accent'

Scotland, United Kingdom: David Cameron is to speak to Scotland in their own accent today in a desperate attempt to stop people voting to leave the United Kingdom, it was revealed.

Out early this morning, Cameron, 14stone 7lbs, started by asking where the local newsagents was: "Ye, denney nee where the newspaper shoppe is, de ye?" he asked.

The prime minister spoke to another person, this time he asked about the weather: "Aye, the weather it's bony teedey?" he said. To which a voter smiled and said: "Aye."

"An canne ask hew ye is votin in the referendum?" the prime minister ventured.

"Already did it last week, love. As did all my friends and family too. Postal ballots. We all voted yes already. You're too late sucker."

The only now beginning panic starts to grow.

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'MI5 To Introduce Disappearing Pencils In Scotland's Voting Stations In Desperate Attempt To Stop Yes Vote" it seems that there were a number of errors: The choice is Yes or No and does not include a third option Don't Know as we claimed. A sporran is worn around the waist and not around the neck as we reported. The word 'world' is pronounced 'wuddled' in Scottish English, we are happy to set the record straight. [link]

SIMON COWELL: "I WILL ALWAYS HAVE CHERYL'S BACK"
Daily Stir

Can Nick Clegg's Fluent Scottish-English Save The Day?

Glasgow, Scotland: Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg can speak fluently in Scotglish, bringing to 12 the number of languages the showoff can do, it was revealed last night.

Teaching his coalition partner David Cameron, 54, the basics on their way up to Scotland, Clegg, 45, is confident he will be able to make out like he is a local when being interviewed on the telly.

Meanwhile in Scotland, a media spokesman said he had no plans to ask the deputy prime minister for an interview.

The drama continues.

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

Will David Cameron Be Remembered As The Prime Minister Who Gave The Union Away Or The One Who Lost It? Have Your Say

Which Ice Cream Van Driver Is Better In Bed? Mr Softee Or Mr Whippy? Have Your Say.

10 Things To Do With Those Scottish Pounds You've Still Got From That Trip [link]

SCOTLAND POLL SHOCK LATEST: 123% YES, -32% NO IN FIRST POLL SINCE THREE WESTMINSTER LEADERS HIT THE STREETS
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Does anybody know what the correct Scottish way of saying goodbye is? I've been saying 'och aye the noo' but it just sounds all wrong.

Yours, David Cameron

Dear Sir,

As part of my go slow Wednesday this letter took me 3 days to write.

Yours, Benny Smith

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Dear Sir,

Will David Cameron be remembered as the Tory Leader who lost Scotland, or the first one to call them the 'effing Tories'?

Yours, Jenny Bunion [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO GENERATE ALL THE ELECTRICITY YOU NEED BY PUBLIC SCHOOL JAPES (GUIDE INSIDE)
Daily Mirror

Tony Blair Blocked George W Bush Trip To Stonehenge, Fearing He Would 'Push Them Over'

Foreign Office, London: Top Secret documents have leaked showing the Foreign Office successfully prevented George W Bush from visiting Stonehenge while he was President, fearing he would accidentally push them over when he couldn't get out.

This only days after Barack Obama successfully went to Stonehenge without going through the gift shop on his way back to the car park.

George W Bush door

In 2004, senior diplomats feared Bush, 6ft 2in, could have run hard into one of the stones and would have pushed it repeatedly in an attempt to get out as he panicked which could have pushed a number of them over like dominoes, according to simulations carried out at a secret government department.

Stonehenge has not been pushed over for over 507 years, a record.

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Scotland Could Vote Yes After All it seems that there were a number of errors: Gerald W McBurgshire is not the Chief Sporran of Scotland as we reported. James Bond is Scottish, the new Dr Who is Scottish but Alex Salmond is very very Scottish, we are happy to set the record straight. "Constitutional Crisis" is a catchall phrase when nobody knows what is going on, and not a wheeze to make MPs look busy as we claimed. [link]

SIMON COWELL: "WHY I SCREAMED AT CHERYL'S HAIR"
Daily Stir

Jack The Ripper Was European Immigrant, Notices UKIP

Clacton, Essex: Jack the Ripper was a Polish immigrant called Aaron Kosminski, who we could not have stopped coming over here to kill people because we are in Europe, latest evidence revealed in time for the Clacton by-election confirms.

Clacton, a popular destination for old people who like the seaside if the weather isn't nippy, was said to be calm last night.

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

Dr Who and James Bond will have to get a work visa if they want to get a job in England after Yes vote, says No campaign

Scotland Votes: BBC Overnight Results Coverage Of Scottish Referendum Will Be Exciting TV Show After All, Says Relieved David Dimbleby

Simon Cowell: 'Since I became a father I cannot stop taking baths' [link]

SCOTLAND POLL SHOCK LATEST: 75% YES, 23% NO IF ALL UNDECIDED CATS DECIDE TO VOTE YES
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

As a tribute to the great Joan Rivers here is my award winning written impersonation of her: "Ohhhhhhhh! Puuurrrleeeze! Oh, Oh Grow Up!"

Yours, Bob Wildistein

Dear Sir,

Well, only a couple more days until we find out if Star Trek got the watch that Apple are about to bring out next week right or not.

Captain Kirk watch

Yours, Jimmy Yahoo

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Dear Sir,

I do hope someone is going to use the headline 'The Untied Kingdom' if Scotland decides to leave The United Kingdom later this month. It would be a brilliant play on words.

Yours, Sir Maxillian Gorry [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO GENERATE ALL THE ELECTRICITY YOU NEED BY HAND STANDS
Daily Mirror

Nude 'Leaked' Pictures Had Been Cleared By Security Services And Were 'Safe'

Just when it looked like naked, intimate, pictures of some of the most beautiful women in the world were safely locked up in accounts in the Cloud and would never see the light of day, they saw the light of day last night.

Hollywood starlet nudity, some as complete as the day they were born, swept across the internet like a flesh coloured queue outside a cinema, with many shocked at how nude the nude stars actually were when all their clothes had been plucked from their young, pert, bodies.

"It was like they were standing there all nude right in front off me. The pictures were that clear", said one photo fan who saw a number of the pictures up close.

Security experts, speaking to us last night, confirmed that the pictures had been hand checked for terror by specially trained agents while they were still in the iCloud accounts and posed no threat to the general public.

The nudity continues.

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Jonah Hill wins GQ Magazine Slimmer Of The Year' it seems that there were a number of errors: Jonah Hill has put on 50 pounds in the last three months and not 50 stone as we claimed. Our claim that "many in the audience blew fruity raspberry sounds when it was announced that Tony Blair had won Philanthropist of the Year" was disputed, so it may have just been us then. GQ Magazine is not a satirical magazine as we claimed but a serious fashion and cultural publication, apparently.

SIMON COWELL: "WHY I SCREAMED AT CHERYL'S DOG"
Daily Stir

Picture Leaks Included Fully Clothed Boring Pictures Too, Claim Hackers

Hackers who helped to release into the media nude pictures of some of the most beautiful women in the world this week, said there was also a load of old crap in there too.

"The media focused on the nude pictures but Jennifer Lawrence had some really crap pictures, like one with an old woman and an old man sitting on a sofa drinking cups of tea. It was dire."

Other rubbish pictures that didn't make the headlines in the latest photo leak controversy included:

Selena Gomez's account had a picture of a cat in it

Kate Upton's account had a cat and dog asleep in a comfy looking box

Mary Elizabeth Winstead's account had a picture of some old grey haired guy in a green coat

The controversy continues.

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

Is This The Most Sweary Ice Bucket Challenge Yet?

Is Made In Chelsea's Champagne Ice Bucket Challenge The Most Expensive And Sweary Yet?

Simon Cowell: 'Why I Screamed At Cheryl's Orange Trousers'

HOW TO GET A SUPER TONED BEACH BODY IN TIME FOR YOUR HOLIDAY BY FRETTING ABOUT EVERYTHING
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I would like to thank GQ Magazine for my Woman Who Looks Most Like Alex Salmond Of The Year Award. I was chuffed.

Yours, Freida Glockenspiel

Dear Sir,

Imagine my nose turning up at your review of the latest AA Guide which said that Looe in Cornwall had a "kiss-me-quick atmosphere." But you didn't report how many toilets the guide said it had. I would expect, based on it's name, that there would be a number of high quality toilets in Looe, but I wouldn't want to turn up there and be caught short.

Yours, Lulu McKenzie

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Dear Sir,

OK I've just put up some more super sexy nude photos of me in my iCloud account. For heavens sake I hope they are safe.

Yours, Matthew Wright