CAN FRUIT MAKE YOU MORE WITTY? SURPRISING NEW EVIDENCE REVEALED
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Ed Miliband Canvases Votes From Leader Of People Who Don't Vote

Ed Miliband, the Labour Party leader, has drawn criticism from his party after canvassing the votes of people who don't vote, it emerged last night.

Russell Brand, 6ft 2, the leader of the Don't Vote For Anyone Party, greeted the Labour leader into his bedroom studio on YouTube last week as the Labour leader attempted to get people who don't vote to vote for him.

An expert in voting told this newspaper: "This is a desperate measure to gain more votes. But as the people he's asking to vote for him don't vote it is difficult to see what he has to gain. Perhaps Brand, 39, offered him some fashion tips."

The desperation continues.

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'How Fat Can You Get?' it seems that there were a number of errors: Eggs come from lady birds, we are happy to set the record straight. The picture we incorrectly used was in fact the fattest person in the world with cushions wrapped around her body and was not the fattest person in the world if you removed the cushions that she had tied to herself, we are happy to report that we have sacked our picture editor for what was just the latest in a long line of errors. The answer to the main question was 110 stones, we didn't have enough space to fit that in, we apologise. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRAND CHILDREN, PART 82: THE DANGERS OF CAMMING WHILE YOU ARE ON THE TOILET
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CAN THE PARANORMAL MAKE YOU VOTE CONSERVATIVE?

The Conservative party has for a long time benefited from posh people in posh houses being haunted by Conservative voting ghosts, a survey published on line said last night.

Houses, some as old as 400 years, are being haunted by inhabitants of other times, according to experts.

The votes of up to 56% of posh people can be directly attributed to Conservative haunting ghosts of people who lived many years ago. One such voter, who asked not to be named, said: "I tried voting LibDem last time and there was hell to pay when I got home. It's only been the last few weeks that I can shut the front door properly."

The haunting continues.

Also In Today's Paper:

Would Russell Brand Be As Funny If He Was Bald? Our Political Experts Debate

Is Ed Miliband About To Start Wearing Michael Foots Old Macintoshes? Yes, Hopes George Osborne

Could Electric Cars Kill You With An Electric Shock Up Your Bottom? It's Possible Says Expert [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5729 - BOIL IN THE BAG PUDDING
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I'm writing this as I've just finished running the London marathon. Does anybody know where I go when I've finished? It looks like they've all packed up and gone home.

Yours, Jimmy Drank

Dear Sir,

I'm trying to think of a place to take my parents for a trip this week but I don't want to be harassed by politicians asking for me to vote for them. Does anybody know where I can go?

Yours, Duncan Friend

Dear Sir,

I think I've discovered the cure to the common cold. Does anybody know what I do next? Do I have to fill out some forms or something?

Yours, Ben Grayson [link]

I'M LINING UP TO BE THE FIRST TO BE PUNCHED BY CLARKSON, CLAIMS HOPEFUL NEW ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
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SNP Will 'Unleash Loch Ness Monster On England' If Elected, Claims Expert

The SNP have plans to let the Loch Ness Monster out of Loch Ness and swim down to London to cause havoc down the Thames, according to insiders last night.

Fears are growing that an SNP victory in the general election could lead to the monster being released to England as soon as 1st June with traffic chaos expected and property prices expected to plummet around the area the monster decides to make a new home.

A spokesman for Labour said that the Loch Ness Monster is not expected to be part of any coalition deal with the SNP if any coalition deal is needed following the polls.

The election continues.

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'SNP Set To Ask For Free Custard As Condition Of Labour Coalition' it seems that there were a number of errors: Custard is eggs milk and corn flour, we are happy to set the record straight. Pouring custard over pie is not called smushing in Scotland as we claimed. Haggis is not served with custard and does not have custard in it, unless the stomach the haggis has been cooked in was eaten by the animal owning the stomach and it wasn't washed properly before it was filled with the Haggis ingredients as is traditional in some parts of Scotland, we are happy to set the record straight. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRAND CHILDREN, PART 81: HOW TO GET EVERY SINGLE WORD WRONG WHEN USING AUTO CORRECT WHEN YOU TYPE IN TEXT
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How Easy Is It To Fail A Dementia Test If You Are Really Trying?

Investigation: How easy is it to fail a dementia test if you are really trying? The ease with which a person can intentionally fail a dementia test should concern us all.

Dementia tests are split into two types, multiple choice written tests and machine reasoning tests.

To fail a multiple choice dementia test if you are really trying all you have to do is to sit there as still as you can for the entire time of the test.

To fail a machine reasoning test all you have to do is press the same button over and over again. If someone tells you to press a different button press the same button again until the test is over.

The dementia testing continues.

Also In Today's Paper:

Which Party Leader Can Do The Best Shadow Animal Images? The Answer May Surprise You.

Nigel Farage Has A Pain In The Neck, Claims Doctor

Which Party Leader Would Win A Topless Car Wash Contest? Have Your Say [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5728 - NUCLEAR WASTE
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I am writing this letter while running the London Marathon. Phooo. I'm all puffed. I bet you wouldn't want to smell my socks right now!

Yours, Jimmy Staple

Dear Sir,

Not only am I writing this while running the London Marathon, but I'm also dressed as a cow. Do I win an award?

Yours, Shirley Gupta

Dear Sir,

Hello. I am writing this letter while running the London Marathon. Nice day for it! Weeee....

Yours, Sharon Frog [link]

JEREMY CLARKSON EATS FIRST STEAK DINNER FOLLOWING FRACAS, NOBODY OF CONSEQUENCE INJURED
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Grant Shapps: 'World's Greatest Englishman', Reports Wikipedia

Grant Shapps, the Conservative Party chairman, has announced he is delighted to be named as the World's Greatest Englishman on Wikipedia today.

Other qualities noted on wikipedia include:

Pornhub Hunk Of The Year 2013, 2014 and 2016,

The prestigious United Nations 'Never Been Wrong In An Argument For 20 Years' Accolade,

The Age Concern 'Best Helper Of Old People Across The Road' Award and

Fastest Eater Of A Single Penguin Chocolate Biscuit Guinness World Record.

The election continues.

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Grant Shapps Apologises Personally To David Cameron In Strange Dog Begging Ceremony' it seems that there were a number of errors: The dog begging ceremony did not happen as we reported. Grant Shapps is in fact Michael Green, we are happy to set the record straight. The famous other Michael we couldn't remember while we wrote the article who was a weatherman was Michael Fish, we are happy to correct our gibbering. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRAND CHILDREN, PART 80: NO YOU DON'T GET A PACK OF CARDS WHEN YOU PLAY ONLINE POKER, AMAZING INVENTION ISN'T IT?
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General Election Descends Into Farce

Only two weeks to go before the country goes to the polls, the general election descended into farce last night as a number of politicians were found in beds with busty actresses, and a number found later hiding in wardrobes from angry husbands, it was revealed last night.

Politicians, some dressed as doctors, others as nurses, and some with tickling sticks, ran about the bedrooms saying 'what am I going to do', 'mine's a banana' and 'ooh no not the comfy chair'.

The general election faffing continues.

Also In Today's Paper:

Which Party Leader Can Do The Best School Playground Of The 1970s 'Patty Cake'? The Answer May Surprise You

Nick Clegg Sings In Spanish While Taking A Shower, Claims Plumber

Which Party Leader Would Win A Hot Dog Eating Contest? Have Your Say [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5726 - FLAT CAPS
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

At last, we are half way through the general election campaign. I'm starting to warm to politicians in general, even Grant Shapps has impressed me with his technical skills if wikipedia are to be believed.

Yours, Barry Blodnox

Dear Sir,

Imagine my surprise when I looked on Twitter to see a hunky Ed Miliband starring in the 300 movie. I am so glad he has something to fall back on if he loses the election.

Yours, Jimmy Gumpty

Dear Sir,

I had a half way through the general election party round my house last night. I had bunting and booze and buns. Thank heavens it didn't coincide with my Eurovision Party because my UKIP friends would have talked all the way through it.

Yours, Jenny Smith [link]

NICK CLEGG TIPPED TO REPLACE JEREMY CLARKSON ON TOP GEAR SHOCK
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Britain's Got Talent Contestant Breaks Fundamental Law Of Physics

Britain's Got Talent: There was wonder in scientific circles last night after a contestant, John Tucker, 31, broke one of the fundamental laws of physics, bringing an end to the era of Einstein physics many thought would last for much longer.

A scientist speaking to our reporter said: "This has got to be the first time that a fundamental law of physics has been broken with such pizzazz. You've got to hand it to Simon Cowell he knows how to make a television programme."

Simon Cowell told this newspaper: "I think John has a massive future in entertainment physics and, whilst he is not as smiley as Brian Cox, could definitely give him a run for his money especially his hair which is very pointy."

The black holes continue.

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Screams As Ed Miliband Eats Sausage Sandwich' it seems that there were a number of errors: A weiner is in fact also a sausage, we are happy to correct our reporting. The odd one out should have been the donkey munching on the carrot and not the squirrel riding on the donkey's head as we typed. Turkey is a country as well as a bird eaten as sausages, we are happy to set the record straight. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRAND CHILDREN, PART 79: HOW TO WIN EVERY ARGUMENT WITH SIRI
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Election 2015: 'British Hillary Clinton' and 'British Barack Obama' Eat Ice Cream Together

The British general election got a bit of international pizzazz today in Grimsby when the British Barack Obama met up with the British Hillary Clinton for a photo op, it was revealed on Twitter last night.

The two politicians, who look a bit like Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton but not as much like them that you would think you had woken up in a Madame Tussauds museum and want to go nose to nose with them to see if they blink, happily smiled to cameras while licking ice creams bought for them by their assistants.

If the British Hillary Clinton and the British Barack Obama are returned to parliament in May and Hillary Clinton becomes president in 2016, it will be the first time that a British former president lookie like-i and a British politician who look-i-likies like a current president are in parliament at the same time in history.

The ice creams continue.

Also In Today's Paper:

Which Party Leader Can Whistle The Oompa Lumpa Song? The Answer May Surprise You

At 5ft 8in Tall, Is Nigel Farage Too Short To Be A Leader? Have Your Say

Which Leader Would Win A Wellie Boot Throwing Contest? Have Your Say [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5725 - BREAD STICKS
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

When I post my postal ballot, how do I know the postman sends the ballot in?

Yours, Glenn Harrystein

Dear Sir,

It is my first election and I am having trouble writing an X. Can somebody help me? Is there an app?

Yours, Harry Smith

Dear Sir,

I haven't seen a politician eat any fruit in this campaign yet. Surely this must be coming up soon? I love apples and eat one every day.

Yours, Glenda Hubris [link]

DAVID CAMERON 'SHINIEST LEADER' ACCORDING TO THE BRITISH SHINING ASSOCIATION
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Spider-Man Has To Take Costume Off To Take A Wee

The Spider-Man who climbed the Dubai Towers all the way up to the top this week had to take off his costume to take a wee wee, it was shockingly revealed last night.

All-in-one Spider-Man costumes that are used to climb tall buildings are streamlined, which means that there isn't that crossey-typie thingie you wee through in Y-Fronts, worn by many...

A Spider-Man would, also, not be able to wee over the top of his underpants because over the top of his underpants is effectively over the top of his head because there is no hole in the costume apart from the zippy type thing at the back, it was explained by a man with the same je ne sais quoi as Brian Cox, the smiley scientist.

The spidering continues.

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Nick Clegg Gets Stuck In Giant Comedy Arse' it seems that there were a number of errors: The comedy arse was in fact in Gloucester and not in Suffolk as we reported. In America they spell arse 'ass', a donkey in America is called an 'ass' and not an 'arse', we are happy to set the record straight. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRAND CHILDREN, PART 78: HOW TO GET A DISABLED PARKING SPACE IN GRAND THEFT AUTO
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Fears That Fat Lady Might Sing Before General Election Over

Only two weeks into the general election campaign and it looks like the fat lady was about to start singing last night, sources inside the BBC reported on an internal memo.

Fat ladies singing traditionally means the end of an event or do.

If the fat lady was to start to sing before election day all bets would be called off in what could turn out to be the most musical general election campaign in history.

The singing continues.

Also In Today's Paper:

Spring Two Day Heatwave Ends Like A Slap Across the Face With A Wet Flannel

Two Day Spring Heatwave Thanked By Sun Worshippers

Britons Tans Topped Up By 2% As First Two Day Heatwave Of The Year Ends [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5724 - POLITICAL MANIFESTOS
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Has anybody thought to ask why all parties have a manifesto but not a womanifesto?

Yours, Brenda Dump

Dear Sir,

Thank heavens that two day heatwave has ended. The queue to the ice cream man will be much shorter tomorrow.

Yours, Mike Michaels

Dear Sir,

Is Hillary Clinton still running for President? There was all this hoohah when she said she was running on Sunday and then nothing. Perhaps she has forgotten all about it now. Typical woman.

Yours, Bernard Howe [link]

ED MILIBAND 'MOST LICKABLE LEADER' ACCORDING TO BRITISH ICE CREAM LICKERS ASSOCIATION
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Leaders Of Main Political Parties In 'Naked Walk Challenge'

The leaders of the major political parties have been challenged to take part in a naked walk next Saturday for charity, a far too fat naked person to have his picture put in the paper revealed last night.

Walking nakedly is something people did for years, but since clothes were discovered it has become rarer.

The walk, due to take place from the fire station in Aberystwyth to the top of Constitution Hill, raised over £5000 in police fines last year.

The walking continues.

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Ed Miliband Impresses With Freddie Mercury Impersonation' it seems that there were a number of errors: The one from the 80s with the Hitler mustache was in Sparks and not Queen as we claimed. The lyrics should have been 'Don't stop me now I'm having such a good time' and not 'shrewd time' as we reported. Brian May is his name and not a question as we claimed, we are happy to set the record straight. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRAND CHILDREN, PART 77: MY IPAD SIRI CAN'T UNDERSTAND ME UNLESS I SOUND UNDER 35 YEARS OLD, HELP
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Government Issues Ice Cream Warning For Hot Weather

Global warmings, some as much as 2 degrees, are set to make ice creams melt faster than ever this week as people hold them in the sunshine for far too long before licking their sweet yumminess into their bellies, a government spokesman said last night.

The government advice for eating ice creams and ice lollys in a sustained period of hot weather has been revised and is now:

1) Don't hold iced goods in the sun for extended periods of time

2) Eat iced goods as soon as possible after going into the sun

3) Stand in a bucket of cold water

The melting continues.

Also In Today's Paper:

How To Stay Cool In What Could Be The Hottest Heatwave Since The Big Bang

How To Eat An Ice Cream In What Could Be The Hottest Heatwave Since 1454

Scientists Claim It Might Be Too Hot To Walk To The Shops On Wednesday As Heatwave Predicted To Cause Havoc With Shoes [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5723 - JELLIED EELS
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Imagine my surprise when I read that Hillary Clinton is to run for President. I thought she already was president! My oh my, I'm so out of touch with international politics.

Yours, Sheila Derry

Dear Sir,

So Hillary Clinton has decided to throw her hat into the ring in the fight to become president? I bet it is an elegant hat which makes a simple statement that she is bold bright fun and feminine.

Yours, Brenda Lee

Dear Sir,

Wasn't Hillary Clinton dressed immaculately in simple yet bold statements on her announcement she was to run for president? But shouldn't she have worn a hat to match her jacket? That's a risky move.

Yours, Geraldine Macy [link]