Campbell Cries Plan B

An all media, Labour tear warning has been put in place for all Labour interviews up until the next election, following a series of tear filled interviews yesterday.

Halting speech, shriveled chins, wonky voices as if they are about to cry, tears dripping from the eyes dapped ten seconds after to ensure a good picture, are all now forecast.

This follows years of almost chin punching and interviews on the telly which some say turned award winning host of Channel 4 News, Jon Snow, grey before his time.

An email intercepted in our offices told Labour supporters:

"When appearing on the telly, now is the time to show your emotion. We are real people. Real people cry when they are asked awkward questions they don't know how to answer." [Permalink]

Pressure Grows On BAFTA To Give Julie Walters 2011 Best Actress This Year For Performance In Mo

Julie Walters, who played one of the most popular British politicians of the last decade, Mo Mowlam, on the telly on Sunday night, is to be awarded the 2011 BAFTA award for Best Actress at the 2010 awards, it was revealed last night.

This is the first time a BAFTA award has ever been awarded a full one year earlier.

Some creative type told this newspaper: "Julie was just bleedin fantastic. National treasure. Mo is looking down right now and smiling."

But not everyone is happy. A BAFTA Best Actress award given a year earlier may have an unintended effect that other British actresses won't see the point of even trying in the next 12 months, said one whinger.

The same whinger continued: "Knowing that The BAFTAs are out of reach until 2012 will cause havoc with British actresses who will turn up late, refuse to learn their lines, intentionally fluff their lines because they can see no point, it will be female acting bedlam. Having said that Walters is going to win the Best Actress BAFTA in 2011 for Mo so they might as get used to it now, the pampered cows." [link]

0.1%

Britain is at last out of recession by the skin of her teeth.

0.1% economic growth is equivalent to a nice warm summer evening.

Had GDP growth been just 0.1% lower, however, then Britain wouldn't have grown at all in the fourth quarter of 2009.

But, because of the rule that a recession is two consecutive quarters of negative growth, then, even at 0% growth, Britain's recession would have technically ended.

However, in the past, GDP growth has been revised up or down as much as 0.2% each quarter, which could mean Britain isn't out of recession at all at the moment even though the figures say we are. If that is the case then Britain will have to wait a little longer before the recession has ended, although by the time we find that out we might really be out of the recession, finally.

But, as it is, with growth at 0.1%, there can now be some excuse for dancing in the streets across the land even if the dance is short lived, or maybe just a hand jive.

Using a sports metaphor, these GDP numbers can be explained like this: Imagine Manchester United were playing with 11 Wayne Rooney's, the ref was on their side, the other side hadn't turned up, and they still won one nil. That's the economy that it. [Perma link]

Hard Man Vinnie Flips Over In CBB Kitchen

Hard man turned hard man movie actor Vincent Thelosophies Jones, flipped out in the CBB kitchen today when he used his fists to beat the yolk out of some eggs and then fry them in a pan and then flip them like he did to that guy in Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels but without using a car door.

Hard flan Vinnie then looked pleased with what he had done to the delight of his housemates, but not to tv chef Gordon Ramsey who says it was a f**king disgrace.

That is fighting talk and we will be telling Vinnie what he said and then send a photographer round.

Vinnie is the one man Ramsay can't hairdryer. The media tart may at last have met his match.

Chris Moyles Guest Threatens To Kill Listener

N-Dubz star Dappy went Dippy today after secretly writing down the phone number of a listener who texted in to say he was 'repulsive' on the Chris Moyles show.

Unhappy Dappy then phoned up the number off air and threatened to kill her.

This despite last year being a prominent supporter of this bankrupt government's anti bullying campaign.

Yappy Dappy, who allegedly looks like a short anemic tattooed human Goofy, phoned up the caller to berate her.

His management team have since apologized and offered free N-Dubz tickets to a show which she probably has no interest in seeing.