NUMBER 10 TO SEND ARTICLE 50 MEMO DURING 4 HOUR FRENCH LUNCH BREAK, SAYS BREXPERT
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Company Behind 'Stop Eating Like A **** Pig Diet™' Files For Bankruptcy

The company behind the Stop Eating Like A **** Pig Diet™ has filed for bankruptcy, we have discovered.

The diet, which told people the only way to lose weight was to cut back on the amount of calories they consumed every day, was voted the worst diet by social media, claiming it was 'too hard to do'.

One commentator who tried eating less food as outlined in the diet plan said: "Eating less food than I want to eat is awkward. I want to lose weight, I don't want to feel hungry."

An average human needs 2300 calories a day, any more than that and on average they gain weight, if they eat less than that they lose weight. That was the theory behind the Stop Eating Like A **** Pig Diet™ and experts said that anyone who managed to eat less calories than they needed lost weight.

Many also criticised the diet for when they stopped following the diet they put the old weight back on again.

An expert in dieting told this newspaper: "The Stop Eating Like A **** Pig Diet™ has many things going for it, although just not the 'you have to eat less' bit. More popular diets include: The Eat Everything You Want Diet, The Feel Hungry? Eat A Pie And Lose Weight Diet, and the 6 Minute Chocolate Munch Diet.

The diet marketing continues.

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Correction: In yesterday's story: Ten More Things You Need To Know About The New One Pound Coin it seems there was an error: Item number 4 was the secret thing that experts use to ensure that the pound coin is not a fake, and not the fifth item as was claimed. We are happy to set the record straight. [link]

WOMEN DRIVERS ARE JUST AS BAD AS TERRORIST DRIVERS, SAYS OUR BRILLIANT CORRESPONDENT KATIE HOPKUNT
Daily Moan

New One Pound Coin Gets Stuck In Dog's Throat

Ickle dog owners were warned this morning not to let their little chums from swallowing the new one pound coin, because if they do it could get lodged in their little throats and choke them to death, according to three owners who had close calls.

Elisa Buckleswuckle, 23, told this newspaper: Little Timmy swallowed a new pound coin and he was panting funny and running around like he was trying to shake his nose off. I picked him up and noticed a new pound coin lodged in his throat. I had to get a steak beating mallet to get it out. We were lucky but a couple more minutes and he would have been dead, killed by the new pound coin.

The Royal Mint did not return our calls when we called last night asking them about their murderous new pound coins.

Swallowing currency is always dangerous, but with notes generally thought to be safer swallowingwise than coins.

The new pound coin has a number of new security features, some so secret even special agents working for MI5 haven't been told what they are yet. But the new pound coin doesn't have any anti-swallowing features.

The pound continues.

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Are You A Penguin Or A Seal? Take Our Brilliant Quiz

How To Tell If This New 13 Sided Pound Coin Is A Fake [link]

"I WILL BE EDITING FOR HALF AN HOUR A DAY," SAYS GEORGE OSBORNE
Daily Moan

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I am all for change, but giving people a 12 sided pound coin is just asking for trouble. I mean, how many times are you going to count the sides? If one had 13 sides, and thus was a fake, who would notice? I say bring back the thruppenny bit, we all knew where we stood with that.

pound vs thruppend bit

Yours, Arthur Asker

Dear Sir,

I was given a three pound coin yesterday and managed to quickly pass it on before anybody noticed. I think it may have had the secret security feature they're not telling anybody about on it.

Yours, Duncan Dumbledore

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Dear Sir,

I'm upgrading one from UKIP to UKIQ this week. I'm Brexit Happy me.

Yours, Nigel Ferrago [link]

BREXIT TRIGGER DAY DELAYED AS SCOTLAND THROWS MCPISSEYFIT
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George Osborne To Join Cast Of TOWIE

George Osborne, the former Chancellor of the Exchequer, is to be a regular member of the ITV reality show The Only Way Is Essex, known as TOWIE, we have discovered.

This brings to eight the number of new jobs the ex Chancellor now has, after we exclusively reported yesterday that he is to join the Gordon Ramsay company as a head screamer in restaurants in the north of England.

"I am looking forward to joining the nation's favourite constructed reality television programme. That's on top of my newspaper editing, MP-ing, City advising. All of them. Soon to be too numerous to mention. I have a lot on my plate and I'm raring to get started," said the 59 year old MP.

George Osborne is currently being fitted for a new thong as his first TOWIE appearance with be in a Marbella special in which he gets wet. His swimwear fitting was scheduled during a three minute tea break during the interview for the Evening Standard job, we have been told.

The Osborne Mediocrity begins.

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Correction: In yesterday's story: Ten More Things George Osborne Is Not Qualified For it seems there was an error: Number 7 should have said Head Conductor of the Brighton Kettle Bells Orchestra. We are happy to set the record straight. [link]

PM DECIDES NOT TO WEAR NATTY TARTAN SHOES FOR BREXIT TRIGGER DAY AS SCOTLAND NIGGLES DETERIORATE FURTHER
Daily Moan

Number 10 'Aims' To Trigger Article 50 With Poem

The Prime Minster, Theresa May, has said the government is to spend some more time working on a poetic way to trigger Article 50.

"In a country what gave William Shakespeare to the world we can and will do better than simple normal words like what George Osborne would write," said the prime minister. "We can trigger Article 50 the British way, with a bit of pizzazz," said the Prime Minister.

Boris Johnston, who is believed to be the most poetic of the Three Brexiteers, is said to be working on a memorable Article 50 triggering verse.

The prime minister told journalists Game Of Throningly: "Britain is open for business with a wink in our eye, a song in our hearts and a skip in our step."

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Could George Osborne do your job next? Take our brilliant quiz [link]

"I WILL BE EDITING ONE WORD AT A TIME," SAYS GEORGE OSBORNE
Daily Moan

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

What does an editor on a newspaper do anyway? Why not get an assistant editor and get them to do everything?

Yours, Piers Morgan

Dear Sir,

An editor is like a mascot but without the furry costume. It's perfectly easy enough to do all the editing in a mad rush and do something else at the same time.

Yours, Brendan Maplethorpe

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Dear Sir,

I'm confused. Is Noel Fielding replacing Mel or Sue on Channel 4's the Great British Bake Off? I felt your reporting didn't really get to the crust of the problem.

Yours, Ben Madeoff [link]

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ON BREXIT TRIGGER DAY? KATIE HOPKINS HAS NO IDEA
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Civil Servants To Practice Triggering Article 50 Today

Civil Servants are to practice the steps for triggering Article 50 today, to check that all systems are ready for the big switch, according to an insider who told us he is knowledgeable of the matter.

Some senior civil servants, who's colleagues have claimed for years they are actually not very civil at all, have already rudely started tapping keys, swapping croissants for crumpets and replacing all Italian coffees for weak milky teas, and that's before the practice trigger has even begun.

Fire alarms will be ignored during the test triggering, speeches of Winston Churchill with the sound of bombs going off in the background will be played and Vera Lynn singing There'll Be Blue Birds Over The White Cliffs Of Dover will be sung in a circle in all departments at 11:11am each day until the test triggering has been completed.

Civil Servants have also been told to drink English wine when handling the paper work in Brussels and not the European stuff which in the circumstances is deemed to be inappropriate.

The Brexit continues.

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Correction: In yesterday's story: Carry On Brexit: 'Babs' May - 'It's Almost Time To Trigger - Ooo Saucy!' it seems there was an error: Kenneth 'Boris' Williams was not blamed for sticking eyes and a French moustache on the prime minister's stapler on Thursday during a meeting as we claimed. We are happy to set the record straight. [link]

I'M STAYING IN BED ALL DAY ON BREXIT TRIGGER DAY JUST IN CASE, SAYS ACCIDENT PRONE ATHLETE
Daily Moan

"I'm Triggering Article 50 When They Least Expect It," Says PM May

Prime Minster Theresa May told reporters this morning, at an impromptu gaggle to which we were not invited, that she is set to use her soon to be confirmed power to trigger Article 50 in the 'most unexpected negotiatingly strategic way possible'.

Triggering Article 50 is believed to be the first step for the country to leave the European Union, although for all we know they could have been lying to us about that too for the last year.

Theresa May has only a few options available to her in triggering Article 50 once parliament has given her the power to do so and these are:

1) Trigger it immediately after the vote in Parliament.

2) Trigger it one day after the vote.

3) Trigger it two days after the vote.

....

54) Trigger it fifty two days after the vote.

55) Don't trigger it at all but just keep looking like you are.

"Once Article 50 is triggered the Europeans will finally slowly find out what we are up to, a bit like on D-Day but we don't have to worry about the weather," said a television historian who is not Dan Snow.

The long goodbye begins.

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Is ITV's News At Ten Delayer Nightly Show Still On? Asks Our Brilliant TV Reviewer

How Many Hazelnuts are there in one teaspoon of Nuttella? The answer will surprise you [Sponsored feature requiring multiple clicks to find the answer [if it even exists!!!]]

Korean Who Does British Accents Told To Stop Doing The Birmingham One As People Are Falling To Sleep While Driving Their Cars [link]

ENGLAND VS SCOTLAND RUGBY RESULT 'TOO LATE' TO MAKE SCOTTISH SUNDAY PAPERS
Daily Moan

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I would respectfully suggest that the highest honour for any English man is not a knighthood as your contributor claimed, but is a free bag of chips every day in any chippie in the country [restrictions apply]. This is what we should be giving Eddie Jones for his remarkable England rugby revival efforts.

Yours, Chip Smith

Dear Sir,

Soon to be Sir Eddie Jones says we are only one year into a four year plan with rugby in England. So, this gazumpingly good England team beat New Zealand next and then what? I fear for the future of England at this rate, and for any rugby playing Space Aliens set to invade during the Trump presidency.

Yours, Brad Stonestump

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Dear Sir,

As a Scot who works in London I have decided to have the week off sick.

Yours, Mac MacSadface [link]