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8/2/2010
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Daily Moan (Spoof of Daily Mail)

Conspiracy Special: Did Alistair Campbell Secretly Crunch Down On A Fisherman's Friend In The Andrew Marr Interview To Give The Impression He Was About To Cry?

Fisherman's FriendDid Alistair Campbell fake his almost-starting-to-cry incident on the BBC yesterday, by hiding under his tongue a Fisherman's Friend sweet, and then secretly crunching down on it in the interview to give him a shortness of breath so that he would look emotional?

This apparent conclusion follows our close examination of the video recording of the Andrew Marr interview, below.

Campbell appears to chew down on something in his mouth shortly before losing it, and then becomes short of breath, just as he would have done had he crunched down on one of those pungent Fisherman's Friends.

Campbell appears to crunch his jaws just before the emotional scene on BBC tv yesterday morning

Video evidence

Alistair Campbell

It is a well known PR trick that if you want to put some apparent emotion in your voice you crunch down on a Fisherman's Friend and it takes your breath away giving the impression you are about to cry. Many cry anyway if they are not used to the strong taste, which has been described as like a 'menthol Marmite'.

Of course, we may never know what happened, unless Andrew Marr can testify what Campbell's breath smelt like.

But if this has happened then how shameful that it's come to this.

It's a bleedin disgrace.

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Campbell Controversy

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The Thun (Spoof of The Times)

Campbell Cries Plan B

An all media, Labour tear warning has been put in place for all Labour interviews up until the next election, following a series of tear filled interviews yesterday.

Halting speech, shriveled chins, wonky voices as if they are about to cry, tears dripping from the eyes dapped ten seconds after to ensure a good picture, are all now forecast.

This follows years of almost chin punching and interviews on the telly which some say turned award winning host of Channel 4 News, Jon Snow, grey before his time.

An email intercepted in our offices told Labour supporters:

"When appearing on the telly, now is the time to show your emotion. We are real people. Real people cry when they are asked awkward questions they don't know how to answer." [Permalink]

Walters Wonder

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The Thun (Spoof of The Times)

Pressure Grows On BAFTA To Give Julie Walters 2011 Best Actress This Year For Performance In Mo

Julie Walters, who played one of the most popular British politicians of the last decade, Mo Mowlam, on the telly on Sunday night, is to be awarded the 2011 BAFTA award for Best Actress at the 2010 awards, it was revealed last night.

This is the first time a BAFTA award has ever been awarded a full one year earlier.

Some creative type told this newspaper: "Julie was just bleedin fantastic. National treasure. Mo is looking down right now and smiling."

But not everyone is happy. A BAFTA Best Actress award given a year earlier may have an unintended effect that other British actresses won't see the point of even trying in the next 12 months, said one whinger.

The same whinger continued: "Knowing that The BAFTAs are out of reach until 2012 will cause havoc with British actresses who will turn up late, refuse to learn their lines, intentionally fluff their lines because they can see no point, it will be female acting bedlam. Having said that Walters is going to win the Best Actress BAFTA in 2011 for Mo so they might as get used to it now, the pampered cows." [link]

Dead Recession

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The Thun (Spoof of The Times)

0.1%

Britain is at last out of recession by the skin of her teeth.

0.1% economic growth is equivalent to a nice warm summer evening.

Had GDP growth been just 0.1% lower, however, then Britain wouldn't have grown at all in the fourth quarter of 2009.

But, because of the rule that a recession is two consecutive quarters of negative growth, then, even at 0% growth, Britain's recession would have technically ended.

However, in the past, GDP growth has been revised up or down as much as 0.2% each quarter, which could mean Britain isn't out of recession at all at the moment even though the figures say we are. If that is the case then Britain will have to wait a little longer before the recession has ended, although by the time we find that out we might really be out of the recession, finally.

But, as it is, with growth at 0.1%, there can now be some excuse for dancing in the streets across the land even if the dance is short lived, or maybe just a hand jive.

Using a sports metaphor, these GDP numbers can be explained like this: Imagine Manchester United were playing with 11 Wayne Rooney's, the ref was on their side, the other side hadn't turned up, and they still won one nil. That's the economy that it. [Perma link]

BB Back II

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Blue Boobs (Spoof of The Sun)

Hard Man Vinnie Flips Over In CBB Kitchen

Hard man turned hard man movie actor Vincent Thelosophies Jones, flipped out in the CBB kitchen today when he used his fists to beat the yolk out of some eggs and then fry them in a pan and then flip them like he did to that guy in Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels but without using a car door.

Hard flan Vinnie then looked pleased with what he had done to the delight of his housemates, but not to tv chef Gordon Ramsey who says it was a f**king disgrace.

That is fighting talk and we will be telling Vinnie what he said and then send a photographer round.

Vinnie is the one man Ramsay can't hairdryer. The media tart may at last have met his match.

Cyber Bully UK

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Blue Boobs (Spoof of The Sun)

Chris Moyles Guest Threatens To Kill Listener

N-Dubz star Dappy went Dippy today after secretly writing down the phone number of a listener who texted in to say he was 'repulsive' on the Chris Moyles show.

DappyUnhappy Dappy then phoned up the number off air and threatened to kill her.

This despite last year being a prominent supporter of this bankrupt government's anti bullying campaign.

Yappy Dappy, who allegedly looks like a short anemic tattooed human Goofy, phoned up the caller to berate her.

His management team have since apologized and offered free N-Dubz tickets to a show which she probably has no interest in seeing.

Funny Sign

 

 

Campbell Chaos

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Dully Mirror (Spoof of Daily Mirror)

Why Is Everyone So Cynical About My Tears, Alistair Campbell Breaks Down Second Time In A Day

Alistair Campbell broke down a second time in 24 hours today after he was told that in a phone poll that nobody thought his tears were genuine.

"It was more like he had just eaten something hot like horseradish, I was expecting him to burp," said one observer.

Conspiracy claims that the spin doctor's spin doctor had a horseradish tablet under his tongue and he crunched it to make it look like he was emotional, were dismissed as ridiculous last night, but still rumours persist.

But looking closer at the video it looks like Campbell chews down on something, and then after taking a deep breath starts to splutter, as if he had eaten something really hot. [Permalink]

Wow Walters

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Daily Moan (Spoof of Daily Mail)

Give Julie Walters 2011 BAFTA Now!

After watching Mo on Sunday, we phoned up the BAFTA people to ask why oh why oh why aren't they going to give the 2011 BAFTA Best Actress award to Julie Walters at the 2010 ceremony to be held in London later this month.

We told them to pull their fingers out as there is still time to get organized for the awards ceremony still two weeks away.

But the stupid jobsworths told the Daily Moan that it was far too early to give Walters the award this year. They added: Julie was fantastic, and will almost certainly be nominated for Mo, but who knows what other acting gems will pop up in the next 12 months?"

This is just madness!

Can't they see what a genius our Jules is in Mo?

In these uncertain times, what better than to know that Julie Walters is to get the British Actress BAFTA 2011, in 2010, it will stop all of the uncertainty. This is just what the country needs.

Julie Walters, 59, is still younger than Judy Dench. [link]

Recession Recess

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Daily Moan (Spoof of Daily Mail)

0.1%!: Nought Point One Percent? Are They Having A Laugh?

GDP grew a pathetic 0.1% in the fourth quarter of last year, and it might be lower than 0.1%, too.

This is because economic numbers are frequently rubbish.

It could be that it turns out that we didn't come out of recession at all in the fourth quarter of 2009.

Alternatively it could mean that we came out the quarter earlier if the numbers for the third quarter were revised upwards enough.

Explaining this apparent discrepancy, an economist explains:

"Economic numbers like those reported today are a rough and ready approximation. You might think sometimes that all the Office of National Statistics do is close their eyes and think of a number, but they only do this after weeks of studying the numbers and years of training."

0.1% economic growth is equivalent to the amount lost in sick days if England made it to the World Cup final later this year. [Perma link]

BB Again Again

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Daily Moan (Spoof of Daily Mail)

Vinnie Jones Beats Up Eggs Then Fries Them

When will the producers of this year's sordid Celebrity Big Brother stop this violence in the house?

Not only do we have to get assaulted by Vinnie's craggy face 24/7, now we see him beat up some defenseless eggs in the Big Brother kitchen.

And then, to add insult to injury to egg lovers everywhere, he then puts their poor eggy souls into a frying pan and puts the heat on.

And even that wasn't enough for Vinnies hen fruit duffing.

He then decides to grab hold of the handle of the frying pan and flip the now dead eggs as entertainment!!!

Oh come on Channel 4 this is just a disgrace.

When will you have some real programmes on and not this piffle?

NDubz Bully

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Daily Moan (Spoof of Daily Mail)

Guest On BBC Show Threatens To Kill License Payer

Not only did a guest on the BBC Radio One breakfast show text a listener to tell her he was going to kill her, but he got the spelling all wrong too.

N-Dubz' snappy Dappy texted Dappy"Your gonna die", to mum Chloe Moody when in fact it should have been 'You're Going To Die'.

Idiot! Don't he noe nuffink?

Nappy Dappy later apologized and offered to give her free tickets to one of his shows.

We can now repeat exclusively what the BBC said former anti cyber bully spokesman Dappy said in the text message:

"U sent a very bad msg towards Ndubz on The Chris Moyels Show yesterday Morning and for that reason u will never be left alone!!! If u say sorry I will leave you alone."

N-Dubz had previously been lauded by Schools Secretary Ed Ballsup who called them 'great ambassadors' in the fight against bullies. What a plonker.

So it's Balls to Balls and Balls to Dappy too.

Funny Sign

 

Walters Winner

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Daily Excrement (Spoof of Daily Express)

Julie Walters BAFTA Mo Mentum Grows

If BAFTA don't give the 2011 Best Actress award to Julie Walters at the 2010 ceremony for Mo, there is no justice.

Walters, 60, shaved her head so that she didn't have to get up early for a make up call.

Dedication like that deserves a gong, and with the Yanks unlikely to give our Jules a sniff at an Oscar next year, her chance of getting a BAFTA is the only way to recognize her acting skills.

"There were times when I actually thought it was Mo," said one reader, "she was a floppy haired revelation."

We say, the makeup artists can wait another year, but let Julie have her time in the spotlight this year. [link]

Retarded Recession

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Daily Excrement (Spoof of Daily Express)

Fuck, That Was Close

Britain scraped out of the longest recession since recessions began today, with the lowest possible growth on record.

Few can argue that 0.1% is better than 0%, but it is a whole lot worse than 0.2%.

An economist told this web site:

"You might think that 0.2% growth sounds like it is twice as good as 0.1% growth, but it isn't if the next quarter you find out the 0.2% growth should have been reduced by 0.3%. This is why we get paid bonuses, it's that bleedin complicated. It's proper mad like this all the while."

Experts had expected growth to come in at 0.4%, which means that it is 0.3% worse than feared.

Had it come in at 0.3% then it still would have been 0.1% short of expectations.

By the winner of Express Newspapers Group Economic Reporter Of The Year. [Perma link]

BBtastic II

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Daily Excrement (Spoof of Daily Express)

Page Three Nicola Set To Beat Up Vinnie In Final

Luuuuvly Nicola T, who has a great pair of knockers, looks set to beat Vinnie Jones the one time favourite to win the last series of Celebrity Big Brother, our horoscope expert says.

Luverly jubblies Nicky has shown herself to be a great personality as well as a fit bird.

In Ms T's latest challenge to kiss all of the housemates so that she can get a message from home, she has shown what a great sport with a great rack she really is.

Nicola T update: She has just called Ivana Trump a big fat orange and Jonas Roland Rat. What a delightful example to the youf of today.

Her breasts may have got her here, but it's her personality that is set to make her the next Kerry Katona.

Dappy Cyber Bully

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Daily Excrement (Spoof of Daily Express)

'Your Gonna Die' Text Message From Anti Cyber Bullying Champion, Dappy

A rapper, who Ed Balls once said was a 'great ambassador' against bullying, texted a listener to threaten to kill her, it was revealed today.

Dappy, of number 1 and award winning rap group N-Dubz fame, threatened the listener some more when she phoned to confront him, according to the BBC.

Dead DappyThe rapper ranted on and called her a nobody.

Chloe Moody is our Voice Of Reason today. Dappy is definitely repulsive.

Funny Sign

BBtastic

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Daily Excrement (Spoof of Daily Express)

Davina Looks To Be Enjoying Herself On BB, What Is She On?

Paramedics were almost called to go to the aid of presenter Davina 'Loreal' McCall during the broadcast of Celebrity Big Brother last night after she became overly chipper, according to BB insiders.

The cheeky presenter / model shocked viewers with what one man described as a optimistic performance.

Davina, 5ft 7, repeatedly appeared excited when a new housemate, who she knew beforehand would be going into the house, came out from behind a screen.

In the meantime everyone complained about how cold it was, but the bastards at Endemol forced four muscley men to stand with their shirts off for the entire programme.

Thank goodness this is the last episode of Celebrity Big Brother on Channel Four and hopefully the next series will be made by one of our companies instead.

 
 
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