YOUR GUIDE TO A HUNG PARLIAMENT PART 5: WE ARE NOT DINOSAURS BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T EXIST IN THE BIBLE, SAYS DUP
The Thun - The Times spoof

Theresa May Wins World Gurning Championship

At last a piece of good news for the beleaguered prime minister, still Theresa May.

It has been announced that Theresa May, 62, has won the World Gurning Championship and didn't even enter the competition, bringing to 19 the number of things over the last 8 weeks that could lead to her downfall, a new record.

Theresa May gurns

Pulling facial grimaces is a traditional European thingie, usually most successfully performed by people without their own teeth.

A Conservative Party insider told this newspaper: "This shows the talent of this amazing prime minister. Experts all agree that gurning to the levels Theresa May has taken it with your own teeth is very difficult. Our prime minister isn't scared to put in the hours to gurn like this even though she has her own teeth. She's simply amazing."

Meanwhile, the DUP have said that May's gurning is one of the positives in the negotiations for a 'turn up and vote right' agreement, along with an extra £2bn.

Theresa May gurns in parliament

The gurning continues.

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Correction: In yesterday's story: Jeremy Corbyn's Power Increases Exponentially As Sun Rays Tapped By Pyramid Stage At Glastonbury it seems there was an error: The correct lyrics sung by the crowd was "Oh Jeremy Corbyn, Oh Jeremy Corbyn, Oh Jeremy Corbyn," we are happy to set the record straight. [link]

THE FIRST PAPER TO REPLACE THE SAYING 'THE BEST THING SINCE SLICED BREAD', TO 'THE BEST THING SINCE BREXIT'
Daily Excrement - Daily Express

"I'm Still Going For A Bloody Awkwardly Hard Brexit" Says May

Theresa May has said that nothing has changed and she is still going for a 'bloody awkwardly hard Brexit' like she always was, according to people close to the fatally wounded prime minister.

May, 61, set out plans this week for how she wants to treat Europeans already living in the country. This 'generous and serious' offer includes allowing Europeans to use Waitrose, speak English with an outrageous accent and look over 35% sexier than the locals.

Under the terms outlined by the Prime Minister in Brussels, the English will still be allowed to speak loudly in English to Europeans who don't seem to understand what they are being told.

In other developments. The Prime Minister, speaking off the record, explained that 'a bloody awkwardly hard Brexit' is defined as "Brexit means B.R.E.X.I.T."

The what happens next continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Also In Today's Paper:

Jeremy Corbyn Criticised For Not Even Trying To Sing At Glastonbury

Theresa May now only crying in the toilets and bedroom, according to sources

Andrea Leadsom criticises journalist for not wearing Union Jack underpants [link]

WHAT IS THE HARDEST POSSIBLE BREXIT? HAVE YOUR SAY
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Andrea Leadsom told Emily Maitliss on Newsnight that she thought the broadcast media should be more patriotic. I completely agree. I don't feel British unless I wear my Union Jack earrings, shoes and hat.

Yours, Kim Jong-May

Dear Sir,

I have been told that I am a very sexy European. I have lived in the UK for the last two years. I am learning to speak like a native, innit, and am learning to enjoy pork pies - I have almost stopped gagging after I cut one in half. I aim to take a sniff of one by the end of the year. Surely I have done enough?

Yours, Velocity Smugshsten

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

I have just watched the news and a French commentator has just said let's not have a hard Brexit or a soft Brexit, let's have a good Brexit. That is the most sensible thing I have heard in months.

Yours, Jack Multimixer [link]

VIDEO MAYHEM
ABC (Australia) Have Made The Best Brexit Video Yet
YOUR GUIDE TO A HUNG PARLIAMENT PART 4: SHOULD IT BE CALLED A HANGED PARLIAMENT?
The Thun - The Times spoof

Theresa May Asks JK Rowling For Magic Spell

Theresa May has approached Harry Potter, the wizard, author JK Rowling for a magic spell to help her, it has been revealed.

The spell was requested before the worst week so far in the prime minister's administration.

It is not clear if the spell was given to the desperate prime minister a week ago and she mucked it all up.

It is not known if Theresa May is any good with a wand, but her husband looks like Harry Potter.

Theresa May and husband

The wand continues.

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Correction: In yesterday's story: Theresa May trips and spills hot boiling water over grieving widow it seems there was an error: Brexit in fact means Brexit. We are happy to set the record straight. [link]

TEN NAUGHTY THINGS THERESA MAY SHOULD HAVE SAID OTHER THAN RUNNING IN WHEAT FIELDS AS A CHILD
Daily Excrement - Daily Express

Son Of Farmer Of Wheat Field In Which Theresa May Ran As Child Is 'Still Furious'

"Dad always said some pesky kids were running through the wheat fields and we never knew who they were until the prime minister admitted to it on the telly during the election," said the eldest son of the farmer of the field through which the prime minister ran as a child. "I've asked my lawyers to look into it and the prime minister should expect a lawsuit within the week."

This brings to 18 the number of things the prime minister has done over the last six weeks that could lead to her downfall, a record.

The wheat continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Also In Today's Paper:

The Hiking Path Theresa May Decided To Call Snap 2017 Election On To Get Some Kind Of Plaque Or Something

Gary Glitter Now More Popular Than Theresa May, Says Survey

Theresa May Looks To Downing Street Cat For Solace, Says Insider [link]

ARE YOU A SOFT BREXIT OR A SOFTER BREXIT? TAKE OUR QUIZ
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Isn't it a treat to have a female prime minister and a female leader of the party in coalition with her government? I know they are not in coalition, it's called a something and supply something, but never the less. As Helen Reddy once crooned: "I am woman hear me roar, in numbers too big to ignore." Helen Reddy summed it up perfectly, even though there are only two of them.

Yours, Mrs Borfield, 92

Dear Sir,

Further to my letter of last week, in which I said that I hoped that my woe would not continue after confronting Jedi Knight Jeremy "Obi-Wan" Corbyn over the election. Well, it's gotten worse. I'm at my wits end and I've got a busy week ahead. I'll give a prize to anybody who comes up with the best idea what I should do next.

Yours, Theresa 'Darth' Maybot

(Video sponsored by linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

This hot weather caught me by surprise. My beach body isn't due to be ready until August. Help!

Yours, Brenda Cobblestone [link]

ELECTION WORKOUT, PART 8: THE MAY CRYING HYSTERICALLY IN THE TOILETS WORKOUT
The Thun - The Times spoof

'Strong Stable' Theresa May Talking About Found In Ruins

The strong stable that Theresa May was talking about in the election has finally been found, bashed to pieces like a wrecking ball has hit it.

The stable, above, mentioned frequently at the start of the campaign but less so later on, was initially believed to be a reference to the strength and stability of the prime minister herself.

However the prime minister was in fact referring to an actual stable that had withstood bombings of the Nazis during World War 2, and was believed locally to be indestructible.

It is this stable that is now in ruins. Smashed to bits like a paper house made out of wet tissue paper.

The end continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Correction: In yesterday's story: Boris Johnston "I don't want to be Prime Minister under these circumstances" it seems there was an error: Boris Johnston is not 'a famous scatty haired blond' as we claimed. We are happy to set our reporting straight. [link]

THERESA MAY SUPPORTER CLAIMS HUNG PARLIAMENT SOUNDS EROTIC
Daily Excrement - Daily Express

Nigel Farage To Return

Nigel Farage is to return to Brexit campaigning because he isn't appearing on the telly enough, according to sources close to his suit.

This shocking development, announced on a live television appearance, his fifteenth of the day, will be welcomed by fellow Brexiteers, who are growingly fearful for the future of Brexit, now that Theresa May is believed to be looking into options where Brexit does not mean Brexit any more.

Farage, speaking to ITV's Robert Pistoon: "The election has changed Brexit. The prime minister hasn't said 'Brexit Means Brexit' even once since the election. It is a clear sign that she now has other plans. I must stop this in its tracks."

A media advisor at the BBC told this newspaper: "It is not physically possible for Nigel Farage to be more on the telly than he is right now."

The Farage continues.

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Also In Today's Paper:

Is This The Hiking Path Theresa May Decided To Call Election While Walking On? Picture Special

Theresa May 'Looked Like Batman Joker After Crying Hysterically and Smudging Her Red Lipstick All Over Her Mouth Before Cleaning Herself Up For Election Announcement', Says ITV's Pistoon

Grand Tour's Hammond In Most Expensive Swiss Roll Escape In History [link]

ARE YOU BREXIT OR A HARD BREXIT? TAKE OUR QUIZ
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Please will you stop calling it a hung parliament. That sounds rude. Just call it an even stevens parliament please.

Yours, Mrs Borfield, 92

Dear Sir,

I completely underestimated Jedi Knight Jeremy "Obi-Wan" Corbyn. I will never question The Force again. I do hope this is the end to all my woe.

Yours, Theresa 'Darth' Mayder

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

Imagine my neighbour's surprise when I put a sign outside my house that said POLLING STATION. How rude some people are when they come in and find it's just little old me in my chair looking for a nice little chat.

Yours, Brenda Cobblestone [link]

ELECTION WORKOUT, PART 7: THE THERESA MAY GRIMACE (FOR NECK MUSCLES)
The Thun - The Times spoof

Corbyn Criticised For Refusing To Say He'll Press A Button Nobody Has Ever Pressed Before

Labour leader, Jedi Knight Jeremy 'Obe-Wan' Corbyn, refused to say he would ever press the Trident nuclear button if the country ever came under nuclear attack in which millions would die if it was accurately targeted on the densest population area in London.

Nobody has ever pressed the British nuclear button in nuclear wartime before but if it happened Corbyn says he wouldn't press it, according to comments he made on the telly last night.

"You wouldn't press the nuclear button would you, Mr Corbyn?" shouted one disgruntled voter, to applause.

Mr Corbyn, who knows that the nuclear button isn't a button at all but mustn't say so because it is a national security secret, looked visibly stunned as he knew he couldn't reply. Corbyn looked back with sad, knowing, eyes that said "the Force is with me."

The man who asked the question has been unable to turn right since asking the question. Those that applauded should expect a week of bad luck, according to Labour Star Wars fans in the know.

The Election Force continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Correction: In yesterday's story: Cathy Griffin Asked How She Cut Donald Trump's Head Off By New Head Of FBI it seems there was an error: The head of Donald Trump was a fake head. There is no current head of the FBI because the last one was sacked. We are happy to set the record straight.

Correction to the correction: The head of the FBI , who does not exist, does not have a currant for a head. We are happy to set the correction straight. [link]

THERESA MAY TOLD TO 'FLASH MORE LEG' AS ELECTION JITTERS ESCALATE
Daily Excrement - Daily Express

"I Actually Quite Enjoy Being Patronised By Donald Trump," Says Theresa May

Theresa May visibly flushed at the sound of Donald Trump's name in the debate last night, speaking fondly of long calls on the telephone where the Trump 'tells her everything'.

"Some people like to curl up in bed with a good book, but I talk to Mr Trump. POTUS tells me that I've got a great attitude for a woman, which of course I have," said the prime minister.

She continued: "I always feel a little dizzy when I talk to Mr Trump. I call him that, or Mr President as he likes that. He calls me Tezzy."

"I put my cross voice on when I mentioned the USA pulling out of the Paris Climate Accord, but unfortunately he couldn't see my scary cross face so he didn't seem to be affected. I told him not to worry about it too much, and he told me he wouldn't."

The phone calls continue.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Also In Today's Paper:

"Government Slashed Number Of Police Officers By 20,000 since 2010" Says Crazy Corbyn

It Was A Lovely Sunny Day The Day Donald Trump Pulled Out Of Paris Accord, Says Weatherman

Correction: Amber Rudd Was Not A Minor Character In Jurassic Park As We Claimed. Sorry. [link]

IS IT TEA TIME YET? TEN ENGLISHMEN GIVE US THEIR VIEWS
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Talking about bloody awkward people. That Jeremy Corbyn refusing to press the nuclear button and stuff? What is the point of spending £15billion on it if he can't even be bothered to think about possibly using it but not doing so?

Yours, Mr Darmin, 85

Dear Sir,

All this fuss that Donald Trump's 11 year old son, Barron, thought Cathy Griffin had cut Donald Trump's head off? Well if it wasn't his who's was it then? Has anybody seen Alec Baldwin this week?

Yours, Sherry Frailty

(Video found on linksdump.com)

[SPONSORED LETTER]

Dear Sir,

I see British Airways are blaming the guy who switched the power back on in the computer room for their problems last week. That sounds like Merv. Mervan Prakesh is the most sacked computer expert in London and the Home Countries. If anything goes wrong it is always him.

Yours, Cherry Dunstone - CEO - Crashes Everywhere Plc. "Want To Blame Someone For A Computer Crash? Blame Us." Reasonable Rates. [link]