ARE YOU IN DANGER OF A BREXIT DEATH? TAKE OUR OFFICIAL GOVERNMENT TEST
The Thun (spoof of The Times)

Your House Will Fall Down If You Vote Brexit, Warns Cameron

Warnings to British property owners couldn't become more stark last night with latest estimates that up to 100% of British owned homes will fall down if the country votes to leave the EU next month.

This is just the latest warning of the apocalypse that will ensue following a Brexit vote on 23rd June.

Other warnings if we leave Europe issued last week included:

The Queens' Hats Will Be Too Big And Will Slip Down Her Face If We Leave Europe, Says Cameron

Aldi And Lidl Are A Covert German Invasion Force Set To Start Another War On June 24th If We Try To Leave Europe, Claims Former Buckingham Palace Butler

Marshmallows Will Burn If You Try To Cook Them On A Camp Fire If We Leave Europe, Claims Osborne

The terror continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Correction: In yesterday's story: Insurance Company Offers To Insure Houses From Falling Down After Brexit Vote For Reasonable Premium it seems there was an error: The phrase SPONSORED FEATURE was omitted from the story. As the story was a paid for advertisement this phrase should have been prominent under a voluntary agreement we have with the press regulators. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRANDCHILDREN, PART 168: WILL THE INTERNET STILL WORK IF WE VOTE BREXIT? NO SAYS CAMERON
LeMonade - Le Monde parody

Tony Blair Will Make Millions If We Leave Europe, Warns Cameron

Tony Blair will 'make millions' if the country were to leave Europe, claims David Cameron speaking at a Vote Remain Barbeque And Grill on which British sausages were cooked using British tongs.

Tony Blair, who has made millions since leaving Number 10, is set to make even more money if the country leaves Europe, according to official Vote Remain government figures.

The Brexification continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Also In Today's Paper:

Which Celebrity Has Been Nicknamed Fatty McFatface On Twitter? The Answer Will Surprise You

TV Chef Apologises Over 'Nutmeg' Misunderstanding

Brexit Supporters Discuss Their 'Freedom Breakfasts' If They Win Referendum [link]

ARE YOU ARGUMENTATIVE? SHUT UP AND DO OUR BRILLIANT QUIZ
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

When somebody dies they always say they are late afterwards. I find this confusing if nobody has told me they had died in the first place. Why can't they just say they are dead like normal people? Like instead of saying the late Prince, the dead Prince?

Yours, Ben Bungee

Dear Sir,

They keep saying that the referendum is on a knife's edge. This is stupid. Nobody can stand on a knife. It's more like a bridge or something.

Yours, Harry Brexit

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

Thank you for printing the brilliant Chewbacca Mom video, above. It made me laugh so hard I almost had puppies.

Yours, Jenny Jupiter [link]

IN OR OUT OR SHAKE IT ALL ABOUT? TEN TELL TALE SIGNS THE REFERENDUM IS TURNING INTO OKIE KOKIE
The Thun (spoof of The Times)

Brexit Will Lead To More Earthquakes, Claims NATO

Britain should be braced for more earthquakes if it decides to leave Europe in the referendum on 23rd June, according to a NATO think tank.

"The UK has traditionally had very few earthquakes in the past but the number of them is set to soar if the country decides to leave Europe," according to the report published today.

Using graphs and data NATO showed the risks of Brexit, which also include hailstorms, floods and longer queues in shops.

But a spokesman for the leave campaign told this newspaper: "Even Hitler wouldn't have suggested that. It's stupid."

The debate continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Correction: In yesterday's story: Brits Warned To Avoid Dunkirk On 24th June If They Vote Brexit, Says Cameron it seems there was an error: Michael Gove and Boris Johnson are not the same person and have frequently been seen together at events, we are happy to set the record straight. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRANDCHILDREN, PART 167: WHAT IF I BREAK GOOGLE?
LeMonade - Le Monde parody

'MI5 Tried To Put Bug In Johnson's Hair' Claims Brexit Supporter

MI5, the British security service that came to fame in the James Bond movies, are so paranoid that the country will vote to leave Europe on 23rd June that they tried to put a bug in Boris Johnson's hair, according to an insider Brexit supporter.

The Brexit supporter claims he filmed the attempt on the ex mayors head on his iPhone.

The bug, which it is believed once placed in his hair could have lay undetected for months, could easily send back useful information like what he was going to say about Hitler next.

The referendxit sieg heil continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Also In Today's Paper:

Cameron Warns Brits To Get Bomb Shelters Ready After Brexit Vote on 24th June

Hitler Would Have Voted To Leave Europe If He Was British Claims Academic

Are Dogs Safe If Country Votes To Leave Europe? PM Says He's Concerned [link]

WILL BREXIT LEAD TO HIGHER MR WHIPPY PRICES? ICE CREAM FEARS ON COUNTRY'S BEACHES
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Has anybody dared to ask Tyson Fury if he's voting for a Brexit?

Yours, Harry Bender

Dear Sir,

If Spain voted to leave Europe would it be called a Spaxit?

Yours, Ben Brady

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

I think I saw Katie Hopkins run naked with a sausage up her bottom the other day but it didn't make the papers. Is this a cover up?

Yours, Mark Totally [link]

ARE YOU SATOSHI NAKAMOTO? ? TEN TELL TALE SIGNS
The Thun (spoof of The Times)

"I Am Satoshi Nakamoto" Claims Satoshi Nakamoti

A man claiming to be Satoshi Nakamoto, the inventor of Bitcoin, has come forward, bringing the number of people coming forward claiming to be Satoshi Nakamoto this week to thirty-two, a record.

Satoshi Nakamoti, 46, from Tokyo, claims he changed the i in his name to an o to cover up his identity, 'like superman did with his glasses - I was hiding in plain sight' he told reporters.

Nakamoti says he invented Bitcoin after a night down the pub and still has the beer stains on the carpet to prove it.

The Bitcoin continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Correction: In yesterday's story: Will The Real Satoshi Nakamoto Please Stand Up it seems there was an error: Japan is made up of 6,852 islands and not 'two big ones' as we claimed. We are happy to set the record straight. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRANDCHILDREN, PART 166: AM I SATOSHI YAKAMOTO?
O!Hell Magazine

"I Am Satoshi Yakamoto" Claims Satoshi Nakamoto

The creator of Bitcoin, Satoshi Nakamoto, has changed his name to Satoshi Yakamoto according to a post on his website today, just five days after an Australian claimed to be him.

The change of name has surprised Bitcoin watchers around the world but evidence that Yakamoto is Nakamoto is still awaited.

"As part of my plan to be left alone I have changed my name so nobody can find me any more. I just want to be left alone. That's just what Satoshi Nakamoto would do."

The whoishe continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Also In Today's Paper:

Are Elephants Better Than Lions? We Have Our Say

Are Ostrich's Better Than Starlings? Yes, Says Our Brilliant Commentator

Is Overweight The New Underweight? Yes, Says Our Obese Doctor [link]

WILL BREXIT LEAD TO HIGHER CHOCOLATE PRICES?
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Has anybody thought to ask what Zac Goldsmith's views on muslin is? A light cotton suit is wonderfully cool this weather.

Yours, Harry Smith

Dear Sir,

I read that George Galloway is to stand in a by-election in Tooting. Is Tooting an actual place? Wouldn't it be funny if Donald Trump, well known as a trumpet player, was taken to Tooting when he pays a visit next time. Trump Toots His Trumpet During Tooting Visit would be my choice of headline.

Yours, Ben Bendy

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

Katie Hopkins promised to run naked with a sausage up her bottom if Sadiq Khan became mayor of London. What am I missing here? Can she just say she did it when nobody is looking or must it be filmed?

Yours, Jenny Frenchkiss [link]

AM I IN OUTER SPACE? TEN TELL TALE SIGNS
The Thun (spoof of The Times)

Overweight Activists Campaign To Rename Comedy Act To Hardy And Laurel

Overweight activists in the United States are campaigning to rename Laurel and Hardy to Hardy and Laurel, as the old name is sizeist as it isn't alphabetical, it is claimed.

"H comes before L in the alphabet, although Laurel has always been first. The only possible explanation is that they are picking on the fat guy," said Mona Sturgeon, 320lbs. "I bet he didn't get paid as much too."

Oliver Hardy, who ate seven roast chickens a day to keep his since much copied rounded physique, died 60 years ago, at a time when fat people were rare.

Overweight campaigners claim that had he lived today he would have had top billing, putting the slim Stan Laurel in second place.

The buffet continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Correction: In yesterday's story: President Obama In Prince George Bathrobe Outburst it seems there was an error: The bathrobe cost £59.98 from our online store and not £59.99 as we accidentally claimed. We still have them on sale by the way and they are a bargain. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRANDCHILDREN, PART 165: IS MY COMPUTER DIGITAL?
O!Hell Magazine

Ladbrokes To Offer 5000-1 For Leicester City To Do It Again

Ladbrokes, the bookies that offered 5000-1 to punters choosing Leicester City to win the Premier League in 2016 in 2015, have said they are going to do it again this year because 'there's no way they can do it again'.

Despite screams from shareholders on Twitter, the company said it was a sure thing this time and it is expected to be a money spinner for bookmakers as long as Leicester don't do it again.

5000-1 is the same odds as Kim Kardashian becoming vice president to Donald Trump.

The football continue.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Also In Today's Paper:

How Much Would I Have Won Had I Put 50p On Leicester City To Win At 5000-1 (£2,500)

How Much Would I Have Won Had I Put £5 On Leicester City To Win At 5000-1 (£25,000)

How Much Would I Have Won Had I Put £100 On Leicester City To Win At 5000-1 (£500,000) [link]

ARE YOU RELATED TO HILLARY CLINTON? TAKE OUR BREXIT QUIZ
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Oh lordy I do hope the bookmaker who decided on the odds of 5000-1 for Leicester City to win the Premier League is OK.

Yours, Judd Nelson

Dear Sir,

There are only 20 teams in the Premier League and Ladbrokes decided to give odds of 5000-1? You never see odds like that in a 20 horse race. I think bookmakers have gone mad. That's another sign of the impending apocalypse I've been noticing lately, on top of all the celebrity deaths.

Yours, Guru John Smith

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

Does anybody know if there is a yodeling competition in the country? If there isn't I'm thinking I will just turn up in Colchester on Saturday and do it against the loud preacher bloke who normally turns up.

Yours, Harry Gump [link]

AM I ON SHORE OR OFF SHORE? TEN TELL TALE SIGNS
The Thun (spoof of The Times)

90 Things You Already Know About The Queen, Part 1

In our brilliant new series today we list the 90 things you already know about the Queen to mark her historic 90th birthday.

90) The Queen is famous for wearing hats

89) The Queen can drive

88) The Queen owns corgis

87) The Queen once ate a slice of cake in America

86) The Queen regularly wears a big hat under which she can hide a sandwich if she gets hungry later

85) The Queen didn't jump from a helicopter to start the Olympics in 2012, a body double was used

84) The Queen once saw a woman curtsey in front of her and then the woman fell backwards

83) The Queen signs her name Elizabeth Windsor on cheque's, not The Queen

82) The Queen has eaten 54,792 mini cucumber sandwiches

81) The Queen always records her Christmas broadcast because she likes to watch herself on the telly at 3 o'clock and if she hadn't recorded it there wouldn't be anybody there.

The 90 years continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Correction: In yesterday's story: Brexit: Cake Comes Out In Favour Of Remain Camp it seems that there was an error: Mr Kipling is not set to be knighted by the Queen in her Birthday honours as we claimed. [link]

TEN WAYS HOW TO VOTE FOR BREXIT
Daily Stir

Man In Gorilla Suit Wins London Marathon

Harry Smith of Tottenham is the first man in a fancy dress gorilla suit to win the London Marathon, according to a person at the scene.

Running the marathon in under 2 hours the father of four said he is proud to be the first marathon runner to win without showing off his knees.

Marathon organisers were amazed at his time and have said it is the first time a novelty runner, who started in the middle of the crowd, managed to win it.

Harry Smith told reporters: "It is a dream come true."

Police say after initial investigations that there are no suspicious circumstances.

The search for how he did it continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Also In Today's Paper:

My Darth Vader Hell In London Marathon

Who Was That Marathon Runner In Pink And Was He Supposed To Be A Character From Alice in Wonderland? Asks TVs Phil

"I'm A Dragon Not A Bloody Green Giraffe," Marathon Runner Gaffe Explained In Full [link]

ESSEX COULD ENGLAND NEXT, CLAIMERS BREXITER
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I've just invented a slogan for the leave campaign: "Feck It, I'm for Brexit." Do I win a prize?

Yours, Harry Nelson

Dear Sir,

I'm not interested in a trade deal with the USA after Brexit, I want to become the 51st state. Anybody with me?

Yours, Slim Biggins

(Video found on linksdump.com) NSFW

Dear Sir,

Has anybody else tried putting jam on toast? That's a fruit jam. I'm using Strawberry jam but I can't see a problem with using any other jam... on toast? It sounds funny I know but in fact it tastes delicious,

Yours, Ben Diddly [link]

AM I ONSHORE OR NOT? TEN TELL TALE SIGNS
The Thun (spoof of The Times)

Brexit Means End Of KitKats, Warns Cameron

David Cameron warned today that KitKats could be a thing of the past if the country votes to leave Europe.

Kitkats, some with as many as 4 wafers per bar, have been a British treat since the last Millenium and are regularly enjoyed with a cup of tea on a rainy afternoon.

One Brexit campaigner told this newspaper: "This is another scare story from the Bremainers. Nestle will still want to sell us Kitkats even after we leave Europe, although we will insist on pronouncing their name 'Nessles' again."

An increasingly tossle haird Boris Johnston had endearing Kitkat chocolate stains around his mouth when we asked him for a comment.

The chocolate continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Correction: In yesterday's story: How To Make A Tuna Sandwich it seems there was an error: The main ingredient of a tuna sandwich is tuna and not 'mulch' as we typed. We are happy to set the record straight. [link]

In other news: Victoria Wood died this week. Here are some of her funniest lines on our funniest jokes in the world feature.

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRANDCHILDREN, PART 164: HOW TO EAT A KITKAT WHILE USING KITKAT ON ANDROID
FT spoof

Oil Price Slithers Downwards

The oil price slithered down the charts today like it had just been poured over computer screens across London.

Oil analysts watched as the price slid down the charts after a four week period of glugging upwards as all eyes turned towards the Iranians who shook their fists and refused to reduce oil production after years of being in the wilderness.

An oil expert, Oily McOilson from Goldman Oils, told this newspaper: "The price is especially oily on the downside right now with any attempt by investors to grab hold of it seeing it slip through their fingers like goo."

An increasingly tossle haird Boris Johnston was unavailable for comment when we asked.

The oil continue.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Also In Today's Paper:

Oily McOilface Wins Poll For Oil Analyst's Yacht

Fishy McFishface Is Named As New Fishing Boat

AnGela McMerkelface Boat Named After German Chancellor [link]

ARE YOU RELATED TO BORIS JOHNSTON? TAKE OUR BREXIT QUIZ
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Somebody told me the celebrity threesome person was Simon Cowell. But I suppose if I am reading this now it can't be. That's the last time I listen to my mate David.

Yours, Harry Nelson

Dear Sir,

I've got this tune in my head that I just can't figure out what it is. It goes something like this: yum dar di dar dar yum, yarrr dum did dum dum dum di doo doo oooo iii ya ya di deee deem dar... Does anybody know what this is, it's driving me insane?

Yours, Harry Guntotin-Hill

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

Does anybody know where Boris Johnson gets his hair done? I absolutely love the style and am thinking of voting for Brexit just so that I can see the hair more often.

Yours, Sherry Gohomely [link]

AM I OFFSHORE OR NOT? TEN TELL TALE SIGNS
The Thun (spoof of The Times)

David Cameron Must Explain What Items Marked 'Other Sinister Stuff' in Tax Return Is

Jeremy Corbyn has called for further details of the prime minster's tax return after items marked 'other sinister stuff' of £70,000 were marked with no other details in his return for 2010.

A spokesman from Downing Street breathed heavily down the line when we asked what the item was before slamming the phone down.

Last week the prime minister seemed to be engulfed in a Watergate type conspiracy but it turned out to be just a bit of a palaver over nothing.

The tax returns continue.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Correction: In yesterday's story: I Used My Offshore Profits To Get A Breast Enlargement Says Samantha Cameron it seems there was an error: Samantha Cameron did not say the quote attributed to her, we are happy to set the record straight. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRANDCHILDREN, PART 163: CAN I USE WINDOWS 10 TO MANAGE MY OFFSHORE ACCOUNTS?
The New Dire (The New Day Spoof)

Get Your Offshore T-Shirts Here

Exclusive for our 25,000 and falling daily readers. T-shirts only £25.99 with free postage and packing.

Keep calm and put all your money offshore

Ireland isn't offshore

Property of mossack fonseca

The dividends continue.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Also In Today's Paper:

Lax Tax Facts

Panama Dreaming

If You Were A Panama Hat What Would You Look Like? [link]

ARE YOU RELATED TO TOP CAT? TAKE OUR GGRRRREAT QUIZ
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Imagine my surprise to discover what a threesome meant? I assumed it was anything that three people did together. Live and learn.

Yours, Harry Nelson, 87

Dear Sir,

I've just discovered that my father left me £50 million in an offshore account in Panama. Well done to wikileaks.

Yours, Harry Gumption

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

I have been using common or garden lard as part of my anti aging regime for the last 40 years. People tell me I look 21 years of age, when in fact I am over 80.

Yours, Sherry Golightly [link]