WHICH MEMBER OF CORONATION STREET DO YOU EAT LIKE? TAKE OUR BRILLIANT QUIZ
Daily Stir (Daily Star)

Man Gets Tattoo Of Donald Trump On His Bottom

A Donald Trump supporter is proudly showing off his new tattoo of the Republican front runner in tabloids across the globe, it appeared when we looked in other tabloids as we don't have it in ours.

The man, 32, when asked why he put Donald Trump on his bottom and not,say, his arm said: "I have Donald Duck on my right arm, Donald Sutherland on my left arm and Donald Rumsfeld on my other bottom cheek. It was a cheek waiting to be filled."

The posterior continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Corrections: In yesterday's story: Woman Gets Tattoo Of Donald Trump On Her Bottom it seems there was an error: When Magan Duchoveney, the woman who had the tattoo of Donald Trump on her bottom said: "All I can feel is a small prick on my behind." She was of course referring to the pricking sensation of the tattooists needle and we accidentally made it sound like she was referring to the tattoo itself of Donald Trump. We are horrified by our mistake and haven't slept since we made it. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRANDCHILDREN, PART 151: IS IT TIME TO UPGRADE FROM WINDOWS MILLENIUM, IT'S CRASHING ABOUT EVERY 5 MINUTES THESE DAYS?
Daily Express - spoof (Daily Excrement)

Ten Mile Deep Snow Storm On The Way

A snow storm that could lead to snow falls ten miles deep could cause a two feet traffic jam on the M6, threatened the extreme weather prediction people at the Daily Express today.

The crisis would shut parts of the country down for days while people climb their way out of their houses and trees to find their cars which they couldn't drive because there is too much snow on the ground.

Speaking to our reporter, Fred McGuiver, a weather man said: "This could be the worst snow fall in the history of the Metrological Office."

The snow continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Also In Today's Paper:

Top 10 Songs To Sing In the Shower

10 More Songs To Sing In the Shower

10 Songs You Should Never Sing in the Shower [link]

FOLLOWING CBB SUCCESS, IS GEMMA COLLINS ABOUT TO MEET KIM KARDASHIAN'S PUBLICIST'S HAIRDRESSER'S DOG?
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Further to your excellent expose 'New BBC Top Gear Lineup Ticks All the Politically Correct Boxes' I am upset to see that there is no Asian looking member of the team. Oh, if you ignore of course The Stig who I always think looks like he has slitty eyes behind those sunglasses.

Yours, Duke Of Glasgow

Dear Sir,

Further to your excellent expose 'New BBC Top Gear Lineup Ticks All the Politically Correct Boxes', well, not really, there are six men and one woman. Try again bastard BBC.

Yours, Helen Nuvven

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

Further to your excellent expose 'New BBC Top Gear Lineup Ticks All the Politically Correct Boxes' but there are no cyclists, walkers or joggers on the team. It's just a load of petrol heads. Rubbish.

Yours, Shebhhagn Dfrgstch [link]

Crime watch latest
WHICH MEMBER OF FRIENDS DO YOU EAT LIKE? TAKE OUR BRILLIANT QUIZ
Daily Stir (Daily Star)

United Nations: Pet Rabbits Being 'Arbitrarily Detained'

Pet rabbits around the the world are being arbitrarily detained and can claim compensation from their owners. That's the shocking verdict delivered today from the United Nations.

This only days after Julian Assange was judged by the UN to be being arbitrarily detained in the Ecuador embassy in London. But it was also revealed this week that he had taken his pet rabbit into the embassy with him for the first time exclusively to a handful of newspapers including ours.

Experts in compensation with an 0898 number told this newspaper: "It is not clear whether his rabbit can claim compensation directly from Julian Assange, or Sweden and the UK governments."

Speaking inside the Ecuador Embassy, Assange, 76, told this newspaper: "The British government owes me £17million for arbitrarily detaining me, and I will give £45 to my rabbit in compensation as required by the United Nations."

A British government spokesman said: "OK it's a fair cop, Julian here's the £17mn."

The 'detention' continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Corrections: In yesterday's story: Scotty T Wins Celebrity Big Brother it seems there was an error: It was Tiffany who confused David Gest with David Bowie, we are happy to set the record straight again. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRANDCHILDREN, PART 150: CAN I CHARGE MY IPHONE UP WHEN RIDING MY BIKE?
Daily Express - spoof (Daily Excrement)

CompensationLawyers 4U.ouch 'Proud Sponsors' Of Channel 4's The Jump

Internet compensation website CompensationLawyers4U.ouch have said their sponsorship of the Channel 4 programme The Jump is a 'sponsorship opportunity of a lifetime', according to lawyers.

So far 9 celebrities have broken bones with only Superman of the 1990s Dean Cain not being, according to doctors specialising in ice injuries.

A spokesman for CompensationLawyers4U say they have already received 5 'groggy' phone calls from celebrities injured on the show.

A spokesman for Channel 4 told this newspaper: "Viewers told us they wanted to see celebrities being seriously injured. This format was the only one we could get through the health and safety people."

The breaking continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Also In Today's Paper:

10 Things Europe Did For Us

10 Things Europe Doesn't Do For Us

10 Things Europe Hates About Us [link]

FOLLOWING CBB SUCCESS, IS GEMMA COLLINS ABOUT TO MEET KIM KARDASHIAN'S PUBLICIST'S HAIRDRESSER?
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Thank you for your Naked Celebrity Bottoms Special. It made my day.

Yours, John Smith

Dear Sir,

Am I the only reader to think that your Naked Celebrity Bottoms Special went too far? It's put me off peaches for life.

Yours, Jenny James

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

Thank you for your cut out and keep Naked Celebrity Bottoms Special. It will make an excellent quiz down the pub for later in the year.

Yours, Harry Publican [link]

WHICH MEMBER OF FRIENDS DO YOU DRIVE LIKE? TAKE OUR BRILLIANT QUIZ
Daily Stir (Daily Star)

Matt Le Blanc To Star As Richard Hammond In New Top Gear

Matt le Blanc, a popular member of the aging Friends cast, is set to play a taller and more muscular version of Richard Hammond, the BBC announced yesterday.

Speaking hours after it was revealed that Chris Evans has finally finished his first piece to camera while driving on an actual road, producers at the BBC said they were now looking for James May's replacement.

Possible James May replacements include: Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson, Mark Wahlberg and Jay Leno, according to Twitter.

The driving continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Corrections: In yesterday's story: Tiffany Set To Win Celebrity Big Brother it seems there was an error: It was Tiffany who confused David Gest with David Bowie, we are happy to set the record straight. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRANDCHILDREN, PART 149: CAN I PROD SOMETHING WITH MY SCREWDRIVER TO MAKE WINDOWS VISTA KEEP WORKING AFTER MICROSOFT PULL THE PLUG IN APRIL 2017?
Daily Express - spoof (Daily Excrement)

David Cameron Sorts That Europe Thing Out

David Cameron, still the prime minister, has sorted that Europe thing out he said he would, according to David Cameron today.

Speaking to the House of Commons, Cameron, 49, said he was still sweating because of all the hard work he had done to sort Europe out but he wasn't scared of a bit of graft and now it is all done and dusted and he was pleased with the outcome.

Speaking in a press conference, later, he continued to be happy with what he had got agreed, which was a massive achievement, insisted a smiling Cameron.

Asked what he was going to do next he told the press, it would probably be a nice bubble bath unless Samantha has got something else planned.

The happiness continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Also In Today's Paper:

10 Things David Cameron Got From Europe This Week

10 Things David Cameron Can Now Buy Using His Air Miles He Earned Flying All Over Europe Last Year

Calls Growing For Kelsey 'Frasier' Grammar To Be Third Presenter On BBC's New Top Gear [link]

FOLLOWING CBB SUCCESS, IS DARREN DAY ABOUT TO CONTINUE HIS CAREER AS THE NEW CLIFF RICHARD AGAIN?
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

The news that Matt Le Blanc is to be one of the co presenters on Top Gear is simply a paradigm shift in what I was expecting this new Top Gear to be like. I will now happily give it a test drive (geddit?). After all, we have Chris Evans who can't talk to camera and drive at the same time, Matt Le Blanc who presumably has limited experience driving on the left and a third presenter they haven't agreed a contract with yet and there's only three months until the show starts. What could possibly go wrong next?

Yours, Sir Malcolm Right

Dear Sir,

Further to your shocking expose 'Donald Trump: I will ban frog kissing when I Am POTUS" I suppose he has a point. You don't want a load of handsome princes popping up all over the place when you're president do you?

Yours, Mercedes Bentz

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

All this fuss and nonsense about us leaving Europe. I am sure the European Court of Human Rights would never let us leave.

Yours, Jim James [link]

ARE YOU RELATED TO CECIL PARKINSON? TAKE OUR BRILLIANT STOOL SAMPLE TEST
Daily Stir (Daily Star)

Hopes Grow For Extensive Eurovision 'Respectful' Silence Following Legend Wogan Passing

Hopes that the Eurovision Song Contest will have a three hour silence in place of it's entire show as a sign of respect for one of Britain's greatest broadcasters was growing today only hours after the announcement of the death of Sir Terry Wogan.

Terry Wogan, who came to fame as one of the first sarcastic commentators of the contest at the BBC, changed what could have been a dull and monotonous foreign thing that nobody understood into a show of wit and hilarity enjoyed by millions who were baffled by what was going on.

But an insider at Eurovision dismissed the hopes and said: "The best way to pay tribute to Wogan's genius is to put on a show so outrageous and weird everyone will be laughing without the need for a commentator."

The Jimmy Young continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Corrections: In yesterday's story: CBB Contestants Told To Poop In A Bag In Latest Task it seems there was an error: This is not the lowest low point in Celebrity Big Brother history as we claimed, for legal reasons we are not allowed to say what that is or whether there is an injunction in place preventing you from knowing what it is, we are happy to set the record straight. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRANDCHILDREN, PART 148: HOW TO USE A COMPUTER FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE MORE THAN JUST DUMMIES
Daily Express - spoof (Daily Excrement)

Doomsday Clock Falls Off The Wall

The Doomsday clock run by the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists, has fallen off the wall for the first time since the Cuban Missile Crisis, according to an insider.

In 1963 the clock was a cardboard cut out. The last time it fell off the wall was due to insufficient sticky tape holding it up, one of the Nobel winners who consult on the clock told this newspaper.

But the clock has been ticking away stoppidly for years, until last week when it fell off the wall again, signifying a period of great peril.

Speaking at a press conference, a Nobel laureate explained: "The computer video screen on which the stopped Doomsday clock is shown fell off the wall after a screw came loose. It had been hanging for a couple of months and it finally fell off the wall last week and we had to call tech support to fix it. We are still waiting for them to turn up."

The doom continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Also In Today's Paper:

10 Things Your Stool Sample Can Tell About You

10 Things Your Stool Sample Can't Tell About You

Can You Guess Who These Stool Samples Came From? [link]

WILL TIFFANY WIN CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER? YES, SCREAM TIFFANY FANS LOUDLY
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Am I missing something but what is the point of having a Doomsday clock if it isn't ticking? It sounds to me like it's a picture of a clock with a very grumpy name.

Yours, Sir Hubert Humphries

Dear Sir,

My bedside Doomsday clock goes through midnight every night and it never causes armageddon. I think these Nobel laureates are over thinking it.

Yours, Jeremy Duncan

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

Rather than an old fashioned Doomsday clock why don't they have a picture of armageddon two minutes walk away? That would be much more scary than a friendly clock which has been giving midnight a bad name for years.

Yours, Stephen Hawkiner [link]

ARE YOU RELATED TO SARAH PALIN? TAKE OUR BRILLIANT QUIZ
Daily Stir (Daily Star)

#USAEastCoastSoWhite Tag Trending

Twitter was criticised today after some smart alec parodied the #OscarsSoWhite Twitter trend last week, following record snow falls in eastern US states.

White snow, some as deep as 50 feet, have fallen in little less than 30 minutes in some parts, ensuring that those affected may never see their cars again.

Meanwhile on page 4: Some bloke off Geordie Shore was seen inhaling a snow like substance.

The snow continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Corrections: In yesterday's story: Three Big Fat Lumps Spotted On Skegness Beach it seems there was an error: A BMI of over 1000 would also be obese. In yesterday's story: MOD Drops Investigation Of 57 British Soldiers After Intervention Of Prime Minister it seems there was an error: There are still over 1500 claims outstanding against UK military personnel, we are keen to set the record straight. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRANDCHILDREN, PART 147: COMPUTER VIRUSES CAN BE FUN
Daily Express - spoof (Daily Excrement)

Woman Who Washed Winning Lottery Ticket In Jeans Claims They Are Still 'My Lucky Pair'

The woman who washed a £33 million lottery ticket in her jeans told reporters today that they are still her lucky pair of jeans, it has been revealed.

"They are tight but comfortable, and I bought a £33mn lottery winning ticket in them. I have also won many local charity raffles in them, saved the life of my dog when he chewed on the toaster and I was wearing them when Jeremy Clarkson was sacked from the BBC."

The waiting for it to come out in the wash continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Also In Today's Paper:

Ten Things You Can Buy For £33 million

Ten Things You Can't Buy For £33 million

How Much Are Lottery Winner's Jeans Now Worth, Following £33 million Lottery Ticket Washing Horror? [link]

IS GEMMA COLLINS THE FATEST CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER CONTESTANT IN HISTORY?
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I am writing in to publicise our annual calendar from The Naked Cucumber Growers Club Of Nottingham. It is only £5.99 and proceeds go to a good cause.

Yours, Bennedict Cucumberpatch

Dear Sir,

Further to your world exclusive story that Chris Evans has quit Top Gear. I say it was only a matter of time.

Yours, Harry Hemingway

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

With Amazon chief Jeff Bezos getting cocky now with his rocket that goes up and down again. Why doesn't Amazon save money and scrap the drones idea and go straight to the rockets? They would be much faster.

Yours, James 'Technology' Bums [link]

ARE YOU RELATED TO DONALD TRUMP? TAKE OUR BRILLIANT QUIZ
The Thun

Sarah Palin Applauds Trump For His 'Fireding Ability'

Sarah Palin threw her considerable oratorical skills behind Donald Trump today in a rabble rousing speech that roused a specially invited rabble, according to a man writing on Twitter.

Promising that Trump, 96, would, when he became president, "de terrorise the terrorising and leave them without a paddle up the chute", Sarah Palin said Trump would be the best bet for president even though she 'wasn't a betting Mom'.

Palin, who once ran for Vice President in an increasingly Spanish speaking country, clinched it with a number of supporters when she said: "Who knew whatever they didn't underestimate on him was the strength that Donald Trump did on the firing people. Firing people is what he's good at." A reference to the US version of The Apprentice to which Donald Trump smiled and placed his thumbs in the air.

Palin's intervention looks set to bolster Donald Trump's position at the head of the GOP to ensure he will lose to Hillary Clinton in the presidential race.

The Palinsanity continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Corrections: In yesterday's story: Bare Market Leads To Slap Happy Stock Market Traders it seems there were a number of errors: It isn't a 'bare market' it's a 'bear market', our stock market expert has been told not to drink at his desk any more. With this in mind all of the jokes in the piece make absolutely no sense whatsoever, we are happy to apologise to all readers who took the time to berate us on social media. A bear market is when everyone growls a lot because shares keep falling, we are happy to set the record straight. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRANDCHILDREN, PART 146: HOW TO SURVIVE WATCHING THE REVENANT ON YOUR COMPUTER
Daily Express - spoof (Daily Excrement)

World Stock Markets Loop The Loop

Stock markets around the world collectively did aerial acrobatics while the world's investors watched on with wide open mouths and arms agape, according to a man holding the FT, today.

Our stock market expert explains:: "The markets are currently in the down of the loop-the-loop stage right now but soon they will bottom out and go upwards again if they haven't underestimated how low off the ground they are and crash to the ground killing everybody underneath."

The shock stocks continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Also In Today's Paper:

Am I Panicking Right As Stocks Plunge? Our Brilliant Columnist Nancy Peston Gives Her Views

If You Were A Crashing Share Which Share Would You Be? Take Our Brilliant Stock Market Crisis Quiz

Are Fish And Chips Up Or Down? Our Local Chippie Gives Us His Tuppenceworth In Stock Market Daily Today [link]

STOCK TIPS: IS IT TIME TO GO INTO THE BANKS? YES, SAY OUR EXPERTS (STORY FIRST PUBLISHED IN 2007)
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I have been adding some well needed camp into my day. Imagine the delight of my fellow construction workers when I keep screaming in the campest voice I can muster: "What a grey day!" (For all of you who don't appreciate the BBC's light entertainment genius of the 1980's it's clearly a brilliant satire on Larry Grayson, and the currently grey clouds of winter.) I'm feeling good with the world, and I am happy to report that I have won my first three fights because of it.

Yours, Jock Smith

Dear Sir,

Has anybody ever eaten using bread sticks instead of chopsticks at the Chinese restaurant? It's a brilliant idea because you end up eating the bread sticks so don't leave any washing up afterwards, although you have to eat the big prawns quickly or they keep falling off.

Yours, Harry Overweight

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

Imagine my disappointment when I found out that a bear market isn't anything to do with bears in the heavily set gay sense.

Yours, James Mason [link]

DO YOU LOOK YOUR AGE? TAKE OUR BRILLIANT TEST
The Thun

More Top Gear Problems As Chris Evans Vomits Over The Stig

Chris Evans, the wildly ginger presenter of the new look Top Gear, was seen vomiting violently last week during filming the series, it has been claimed.

Evans, 49, who it was earlier reported was delaying production of the series because he couldn't do right hand turns while talking to the camera, has said he is confident that the series will still make it to air in May as planned.

But insiders now claim a May deadline is out of the question, "unless we show Evans vomiting, to fill in the gaps" according to the Daily Moped.

The Stig cleaning continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Corrections: In yesterday's story: BBC Insider Claims Chris Evans vomiting over the Stig was a planned part of the show it seems there were a number of errors: Chris Evans is not the American movie star who plays Captain America as we claimed. Three dogs have not been knocked over by Chris Evans while he was filming Top Gear, we are happy to set the record straight. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRANDCHILDREN, PART 147: TEN TWITTER TEMPLATES TO HELP YOU GET SOCIAL WITH THE KIDS
National Enquirerer

9 Out Of 10 Cinema Goers Consider Putting On A Coat While Watching The Revenant

Shocking new statistics discovered by this newspaper show that 9 out of 10 people considered walking out of screenings of The Revenant simply to warm up, it has been claimed.

Leonardo Di Caprio plays some bloke almost killed by a bear and for the rest of the movie he recovers slowly in snow making the two and a half hour running time seem more like 6 hours, according to someone who has seen it. "I was sort of hoping David Attenborough would pop up for a bit and give us a natural history of the area at what felt like hour 5 but he didn't."

Dee Caprio, currently in the UK promoting the movie, has been widely tipped for Oscar greatness for playing the guy, mainly because it looked really cold and arduous, according to people who have seen the movie. A caterer on the film told this newspaper: "I have never heated up as much really expensive soup in my life."

A campaign on Twitter to get all audience members who sit through the film in normal inside clothing an Oscar has received over 55,000 votes so far.

The 'Oh God will something nice please happen next' continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Also In Today's Paper:

Ten apps to play while watching The Revenant to make time go faster

Ten signs you are actually going to die while watching The Revenant

Cinemas applauded for lowering room temperature during The Revenant 'for greater realism' [link]

HOW TO REACT TO DAVID BOWIE'S DEATH IF YOU WEREN'T REALLY MUCH OF A FAN
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I'm sitting here in the cinema with icicles growing from my nostrils. Well done to the makers of The Revenant for one of the most realistic grindingly freezingly agonistic movies I have seen in a long while. Or has the manager of the cinema turned off the heating?

Yours, Ben Done

Dear Sir,

The Revenant is one of the funniest movies I've seen in ages. Well done Leonardo Di Caprio, an Oscar well deserved.

Yours, Gary De'ath

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

Further to your picture, today, of three MPs debating something or other in the Westminster Hall with two people watching at the back, below. Three MPs? Was one of the debating MPs the picture taker or do they have a whole staff watching on?

MPs Debating - Westminster Hall - BBC

Yours, Chichi Gonzalez-Jones [link]

ARE YOU ALIVE? TAKE OUR BRILLIANT TEST
The Thun

OFCOM Receive 500 Complaints After Heart Radio 'David Cameron Dead' Announcement

OFCOM has received a number of complaints after a Heart Radio news reader heartlessly announced that prime minister David Cameron had died, according to the news.

The mix up is believed to have happened because the prime minister's first name is the same as David Bowie's, who also died at the same time.

If David Cameron were to die in office not only would he not have been the youngest prime minister to die in office at 49, he will be the first one to do so since 1865, according to wikideathia.

A listener told this newspaper : "It came as a bit of a shock. Out of the two of him and Jeremy Corbyn I expected the old gipper to go first. But as it turned out the woman was wrong all along. Although David Bowie was still dead which was still a bit of a downer."

A spokesman for Heart Radio told this newspaper: "The day when David Cameron actually does die I hope you remember that we had the story first."

The whoops continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Corrections: In yesterday's story: Celebrity Big Brother Tiffany Thinks David Gest Is Dead it seems there were a number of errors: David Gest is not dead, but David Bowie is. David Cameron is also not dead. Other David's not dead include David Attenborough, David Coulthard and David Davis. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRANDCHILDREN, PART 146: EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW IF YOUR GRANDCHILD WANTS TO ENROL ON GRINDER
National Enquirerer

David Cameron Death Denied By Number 10

David Cameron is not dead, despite him being reported dead this week on a Heart Radio broadcast, we have been assured.

But a conspiracy expert is not convinced: "If there is a cover up, and I'm not saying there is, and he has died, which I'm not saying he has, this is exactly what I would expect them to say if he had died and they were covering it up."

David Cameron, who took part in Prime Ministers questions shortly after the announcement that he had died, looked red cheeked and perky and spoke confidently on a number of points.

The breathing continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Also In Today's Paper:

Ten Mascaras You Never Knew David Bowie Wore

Ten Flowers That Best Signify The Creative Spirit Of David Bowie

Is David Bowie Really Dead? Clues Found In His Last Video That This Might All Be A Stunt [link]

CAN DAVID BOWIE RECOVER FROM HIS LATEST DEATH? OUR EXPERTS SET OUT THEIR STALL
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

So long then David Bowie. Hunky Dory was your best album. Sorry, I bet you aren't feeling so Hunky Dory now.

Yours, Jane Koobrik

Dear Sir,

Has anybody noticed how nearly the same the names TOWIE and BOWIE are? I wonder if they are related?

Yours, John Johns

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

Eeek I just saw a ghost. Unfortunately the picture didn't come out but I kept some of the air in a bottle. Would someone like to send a reporter over for an Exclusive?

Yours, Samantha Cameron [link]

ARE YOU A CAMERON CRONIE? TAKE OUR BRILLIANT HAIR TEST
The Thun

Twitter Set To Increase Letters Allowed From 140 To 'However Long War And Peace Is'

Twitter is set to join in the BBC's War And Peace l'excellence de l'année à ce jour this week by increasing the number of characters to over 140 for the first time, to whatever the number of characters in War And Peace is, according to a Russian..

From now on people will be able to type long messages without having to be pithy, something that critics of the site have complained about for years.

We asked a number of people on the streets what they thought:

Duncan, 34: "I wanted to write a tweet 141 characters long once and it wouldn't let me. Being able to write more will be liberating."

Fred, 67: "Does that mean I will be able to put my entire photo library of dogs into one tweet?"

Gemma, 32: "Brilliant. I have always wanted to be verbose."

The mega blog continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Corrections: In yesterday's story: BBCDailyPoliticsResignationGate is longest gate so far it seems there were a number of errors: The Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco is in fact longer, we are happy to set the record straight. Watergate was an office/residential building and not just a public convenience as we claimed. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRANDCHILDREN, PART 145:EL CAPITAN - A HOLIDAY DESTINATION OR YOUR NEXT MAC OP SYS? DON'T LOOK AT US, WE HAVEN'T A CLUE EITHER
National Enquirerer

Kyrgyzstan Sausages Comment Could Have Lead To War With Scotland

Kyrgyzstan could have declared war on Scotland last week after a man from Edinburgh compared Kyrgyzstan's national sausage to a horse penis.

The horse penis shaped sausage is widely eaten in Kyrgyzstan, say sausage sages.

If Kyrgyzstan had declared war on Scotland it is unclear what England would have done about it, considering their national sausage is much smaller and is definitely nowhere near as big as a horse's penis.

Had Kyrgyzstan declared war on Scotland over comments about their sausage it would have been known as The War Of The Sausages, according to sources close to headline writers at The Sun newspaper.

The sausage sizing continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Also In Today's Paper:

Ten More Penises Sausages Look Like

Walls Sausages Slam Comparison with Small Dog Penises

Pepperoni Sausage Or Rock Star Penis? Take Part In Our Brilliant Picture Quiz [link]

DO ALL SAUSAGES LOOK LIKE PENISES? YES, SAY OUR EXPERTS
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I have been eating sausages and chips for tea on a Friday since back when Ed 'Stewpot' Stewart, RIP, was doing Crackerjack on the telly. Imagine my horror when this Scottish bloke starts comparing sausages with penises? I couldn't finish my meal. This is a step too far for the Great British Banger.

Yours, Mick McManus

Dear Sir,

Imagine my horror when that bloke from Scotland compared a sausage to a penis on the telly last night. I was about to eat a hot dog and I sat there looking at it and thinking how much like a penis in a bread roll it looked.

Yours, Ben McMurphy

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

I have often thought that sausages look like penises. Thank heavens my fellow Edinburgher sees it the same way.

Yours, Harold McMurphy [link]