WIN YOUR OWN EUROVISION SONG CONTESTANT DRESS - EXCLUSIVE INSIDE TODAY'S PAPER
Daily Armstretchograph

Shock As Man Dressed As A Man Down The Pub Wins Eurovision Song Contest

A man dressed as a man down the pub has won the Eurovision Song Contest for the first time in 60 years, it was revealed last night.

The last time a man dressed as a man down the pub won was in 1955. At the time all the men were expected to wear a suit and a tie, and women had to wear ball gowns like they were out on a posh night out.

Since 1955 the Eurovision Song Contest has seen a number of changes, the most important of which was the allowing of homosexuals to sing from 1956 onwards, even though they were illegal in a number of countries at the time. The Eurovision Song Contest never looked back, and since that time all sorts of clothing has been used by men including feminine hats, bright green glossy dungarees and pink wellington boots.

The Europops continue.

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Ireland First Country In the World To Do Something Extraordinary' it seems that there were a number of errors: An Irish jig is like a Scottish jig but after drinking Guinness, we are happy to set the record straight. Father Jack Hackett is also Irish. The odd one out was the ginger in the tree and not the ginger in the car as we claimed. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRAND CHILDREN, PART 89: IF MY IPAD BREAKS WHEN I'M ON HOLIDAY IN GREECE AND GREECE GOES BANKRUPT WILL I BE ABLE TO GET HOME AGAIN?
Daily Moan

Apprenticeships 'Work Better For Those Over 60 Years Of Age' Experts Claim

The government's apprenticeships policy was thrown into chaos this morning after it was discovered that young people are useless at them.

Older workers, some as old as 87, are much better at apprenticeships due to their facial wrinkles, according to face experts.

Wrinkly people are better at absorbing new information, it has been claimed. With fresh faced youngsters lacking any 'memory wrinkles' the information just 'slips off their faces like water off a child's face', according to experts.

But there is hope for fresh faced youngsters, some as young as 17. A simple procedure to give them crows feet, bags under their eyes and wrinkly cheeks can help them remember much more, according to new experts.

The youth continues.

Also In Today's Paper:

Eurovision Song Contest Organisers Criticised For Man On Fire On Piano

Eurovision Song Contest Organisers Criticised For Delay In Rescuing Woman On Fire During French Song

Eurovision Song Contest Organisers Criticised For Accidental Discharge Of Fire Extinguishers During Song Contest [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5736 - ROAST GREAT TIT (BIRD)
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Why oh why oh why do the BBC insist on squeezing the Big Radio 1 Weekend into just two days? It's a disgrace.

Yours, Jenny Doolally

Dear Sir,

Did someone say Australia were in Eurovision this year? Huh? I got so drunk I fell to sleep after the first Graham Norton song.

Yours, Harry Bedfellows

Dear Sir,

Thank you to everyone who wrote in to tell me that people in Europe eat normal food like sausages, egg and chips all the while. They really are just like us aren't they?

Yours, James French [link]

WRITE YOUR OWN FUNNY HEADLINES FOR TODAY'S PAPER
Daily Armstretchograph

Google says sorry over fattist Google Maps Downing Street search results

Google has apologised after someone noticed that searches for the term 'fat wally with a saucer shaped face' lead to pictures of prime minister David Cameron standing outside Number 10 Downing Street appearing in Google Maps.

Technicians have been working over night to stop it doing that.

The average weight of the British cabinet has fallen for the first time in five years, after a number of slim fit looking women wearing nice clothes were included for the first time.

Boris Johnson is heavier than the median cabinet weight, according to sources close to the coffee machine.

The new government continue.

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Is This Another New Low For Big Brother?' it seems that there were a number of errors: Eggs come out of a chicken's bottom and not its neck as was reported. The odd one out was Rylan Clarke's teeth, all the rest were teeth from the Jeremy Kyle show. Eggs can be poached, fried or scrambled we are happy to set the record straight. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRAND CHILDREN, PART 88: IS MY IPAD BROKEN IF IT MAKES A BUZZING SOUND FOR FIVE MINUTES AFTER I SWITCH IT OFF?
Daily Moan

Do Panda's Poop Too Much?

Fears were growing last night that pandas, some as old as 5, were pooping too much from all the bamboo they eat, according to scientists.

Pandas, 300 pounds, only digest 17% of the bamboo they eat which means that whatever that is taken away from 100 is the percent of the poop they poop from all the bamboo they eat.

Pandas have been doing this for 2 million years, according to people who know these things, and it doesn't look like they are about to change doing it soon.

The eating of bamboo continues.

Also In Today's Paper:

Next Series Of X Factor Could Have Large Dunking Pool, Hints Supremo Cowell

Next Series Of X Factor Could Have Comedy Hats, Claims Insider

Is It Time To Ditch Clocks? Our Experts Set Out Their Stall [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5735 - CHOPPED ARGENTINIAN CHILLI SAUSAGE
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I'm trying to arrange a Eurovision party but I don't have enough Belgian waffles. There is a Polish shop nearby but I'm not sure if Polish waffles count as Belgian ones. Does anybody know?

Yours, Hillary Clinton-Smith

Dear Sir,

Does anybody know what they eat in Luxembourg? I'm having a Eurovision Party down my street and I just haven't a clue what they eat there. I'm going to risk some crisps with a tomatoey garlic dip. Someone tell me if I've made a terrible faux pas.

Yours, Johnny Rotten

Dear Sir,

I'm having a Eurovision party on Saturday but I only have English food. Does anybody know if they eat sausages, egg and chips in Europe? It would be very helpful if they did.

Yours, James French [link]

WRITE YOUR OWN HEADLINES - MONEY SAVING SPECIAL
Daily Armstretchograph

Chuka Umunna Look-A-Like Arrested for Punching Man Eating Hot Dog In The Face

Duncan Flintstone, 33, from Paverly Somerset, has been arrested after punching a man eating a hotdog, it has been reported by the Somerset and Taunton Examiner.

Flintstone, 12stone 5lbs, came to prominence at a local fete when he came third in a Chuka Umanna look-i-likie competition. But the result has since been revised so that he won after one of the judges was revealed to have been drunk.

Politicians with lookilikies are a constant threat and it is wondered if Uhura, 36, resigned from running for the Labour leadership because he expected this story, and others like it, to come out.

Look-i-likies who break the law have been a constant thorn in the sides of celebrities all over the world, with magazines devoted to the exploits of some of the most popular lookilikies in the world. Some of the most popular search keywords are Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie but not Eamonn Holmes.

The lookilikies continue.

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Is This A New Low For Big Brother?' it seems that there were a number of errors: The most shocking event is still, in fact, the wine bottle incident, we are happy to set the record straight. Bouncing on a bed is not a banned activity in the Big Brother house as we reported. The horror beauty queen was the odd one in in our odd one out round, we are happy to clarify our report. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRAND CHILDREN, PART 87: CAN I READ MY KINDLE IN THE BATH?
Daily Armstretchograph

Video Emerges That Finally Explains Everything

A video has emerged on YouTube that is said to finally explain the differences between the Scottish and the English for the first time.

The 21 second video is of a man explaining to his friend how it is not possible for him to balance on a roof without holding on to another roof. And his friend helpfully discusses various suggestions for him while he is there.

Professor Michael Duggenstein III of Harrow-Upon-Stroud University II explained the crux of the dispute: "The young man has a problem. Should he put his weight onto the roof as his friend is suggesting - it is possible that his weight could lead to some sort of incident. But were the young gentleman to place his weight elsewhere there could be another incident of equal or greater proport."

The Scottishness continues.

Also In Today's Paper:

Eeny Meeny Miny Moe? What it means if you always pick meeny

Eeny Meeny Miny Moe? What it means if you always pick eeny

Eeny Meeny Miny Moe? Is it politically correct today to pick none of them? [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5734 - CHOPPED LIVER SAUSAGE
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Has anybody else been approached by a man who looks like Moses asking about Ed Miliband's stone of pledges the other day? He was saying something about copyright. I told him to contact the Labour Party. I hope they haven't got in more trouble than they are in already.

Yours, Harry Selfstein

Dear Sir,

So, they have discovered a warm blooded fish. You mark my words, its only a matter of time until they discover one that can sing and it wins the Eurovision Song Contest.

Yours, David Attenporough

Dear Sir,

All this fuss about turning the clocks forward a couple of weeks ago, and now everybody has forgotten all about it. Load of fuss and nonsense.

Yours, Shady Grimstripes [link]

WRITE YOUR OWN HOROSCOPES - MONEY SAVING SPECIAL
Daily Armstretchograph

Channel 5 Announces First Dog To Enter Big Brother House As Contestant

Patch the dog is set to become the first all dog contestant on Big Brother, it was revealed by Channel 5 last night.

No dog has ever been a fully votable to win contestant on Big Brother anywhere in the world before.

The dog will sleep in the main bedroom, shower with other housemates and eat with the other housemates and even use the toilet and shower facilities.

It's a first for Big Brother UK and a number of dog lovers have applauded the move: "Dogs have been underrepresented in the Big Brother house for too long. It will be a great day when a dog finally wins Big Brother," said someone.

The brothering continues.

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Ed Miliband and Nick Clegg Tipped For Celebrity Big Brother' it seems that there were a number of errors: Nick Legg was in fact Nick Clegg, we are happy to set the record straight. Bacon sandwiches will be served every breakfast for the entire three week run or until Ed Miliband is evicted, we are happy to remove any doubt. Dressing up like a cat is mandatory this year for the first time. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRAND CHILDREN, PART 86: HOW CAN I DELETE THE BIG BROTHER APP OFF MY IPAD?
Daily Armstretchograph

British Degree Educated Women Best At Falling Over When Drunk, Says Survey

British degree educated women are leading the world at getting drunk and falling over while they try to compete with their drunk male degree educated colleagues falling over, it was revealed last night.

British men, some as old as 55, are some of the heaviest drinkers in the world and their drinking is seen as the single reason why women they work with drink so much and then fall over afterwards too.

Women, some as old as 23, drink far too much and fall over other women and drunk men in pubs after work at nights, according to CCTV evidence.

An expert explained: "If you don't go out for a drink and fall over like the men you are competing with everyone thinks there's something wrong with you."

The women continues.

Also In Today's Paper:

Mushy Peas Link To Car Crashes, Says Report

Dolphins Desert Shores Following Conservative Party Win

Which Dried Fruit Are You Most Like? Take Our Brilliant Quiz [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5733 - TOMATO SOUP
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Is there a prize for being the most out of touch person in the country? I thought Tony Blair was still prime minister until yesterday. I'm from Essex.

Yours, Bobby Essex

Dear Sir,

How is it that it took a whole country a whole month to elect a government, but only an hour and a half for the whole country to evict the first person on Big Brother last night? Well done to Channel 5 for showing us democracy in action.

Yours, Harry Fredish

Dear Sir,

So I'm not the only one to get these long rambling letters from Prince Charles? I normally write back as sycophantically as I can and it seems to shut him up. I suggest government ministers do the same. He's a nice chap but I wouldn't want to rile him.

Yours, Brady Klein [link]

WRITE YOUR OWN CROSSWORD - MONEY SAVING SPECIAL
Daily Armstretchograph

Smiley Moonfaced Man Wins In Unexplained Election Victory

A smiley moonfaced man has won the general election by surprise last night as fears grew he managed to hypnotise an entire nation with his eyes, it was thought last night.

Only hours before an exit poll, believed to have already choked five Liberal Democrats on wooly hats, political commentators, some of whom have since quit, said the shiny moonfaced man had little chance of winning.

But despite experts predicting his demise he won, throwing into doubt election predictions for years to come.

Bacon Sandwich Man, Student Fees Man and Immigration Man all quit.

Ed Balls was kicked so hard by the electorate he was left gasping for breath in a heap in front of his family.

The harumphing continues.

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Election Divining Fish Eaten With Chips After Saying Labour Would Win' it seems that there were a number of errors: Newspapers are often used as chip paper, toilet paper and earrings by children and the very drunk, we are happy to set the record straight. M&Ms are a sweet and not two brothers who competed to become leader of the Labour Party. Nobody expected the Spanish Inquisition, we are happy to set the record straight. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRAND CHILDREN, PART 85: ANDROID, IOS OR WINDOWS? ARE THEY ALL THE SAME?
Daily Armstretchograph

Everyone Resigns As Strange Power Envelops Politicians

The country descended into a darkened state last night a bit like the last two films in the Harry Potter franchise.

Politicians, some as young as 45, felt themselves resigning like their bodies had been taken over by a strange evil power from above.

Conservatives, some as young as 89, watered their pot plants and hummed hymns absentmindedly as the full horror of what was unfolding unfolded in Westminister.

The only glimmer of hope is the boost to business in pubs expected when the Scottish Nationalists start drinking on Monday in Westminster bars.

The drinky-resigning continues.

Also In Today's Paper:

David Cameron Slaps George Osborne In Face With Fresh Haddock In Elaborate Post Election Welcome Back Ceremony

David Blaine Mysteriously Loses Powers Following UK Election Result

Which Nut Are You Most Like? Take Our Brilliant Quiz [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5732 - OXTAIL SOUP
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I told you David Cameron would get a majority and you all told me I was an idiot. Do I win a prize?

Yours, Percy Dugston

Dear Sir,

Did anybody else see that UFO hovering over the country on Thursday? Everyone was like a zombie in these parts for most of the day. Thank heavens the only ill effect I have noticed from this event so far is a Conservative majority of 12.

Yours, Burdon Garfield

Dear Sir,

Has anybody noticed how much like a smiley extraterrestrial David Cameron looks? It looks like they have finally taken us over. I will bet that's the last time we ever see Nick Clegg too, I bet they have eaten him already.

Yours, Jilly Angst [link]

HOW TO WRITE A CROSS FOR BEGINNERS - ELECTION SPECIAL
Daily Armstretchograph

Political Correspondents To Face 56% Cuts After Election

The media is set to cull over 1 in 2 political correspondents following the general election on Thursday, according to insiders.

Political correspondents, some as young as 23, are set to be thrown to the wayside as politics melts into a form of melted plastic following what is predicted to be one of the most indecisive elections in modern history.

General Elections traditionally returned a government to parliament, but with politics so up the shoot these days nobody can tell what will actually be returned any more.

An expert in politics told this newspaper: "The days when governments were returned after a general election are long gone. Friday we will be lucky if we get anything more substantial than a political goo."

The waiting continues.

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Alex Salmond Works On English Accent' it seems that there were a number of errors: 'Acoo the nu' does not mean 'How's you father' in Cockney as we claimed. 'Its a moonlicht nicht' does not mean 'I'm feeling chuffed about the weather, good man' as we claimed. 'Stich you Jimmy' does not mean 'Nice weather for the time of year' as we reported. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRAND CHILDREN, PART 84: CAN MY SKYPE CALL MY TWITTER ACCOUNT?
Daily Armstretchograph

Your Guide To Tactile Voting

For many, general election day is just a day to nip round to a fusty old place you never go to normally, have a chat'n'a'smile with the couple behind the desk who you tell who you are to and they give you a ballot paper and tell you where to go and how many crosses to write.

But for a growing number of tactile voters, general election day is a day of hugs, cuddling and gentle upper body massages with strangers in polling stations.

An expert in tactile voting explained: "Tactile voting is a connection with other voters, and officials, through the use of hugging, hand shaking and upper arm massaging."

How to tactile vote:

1) Offer a hug to anybody you see in the electoral station by standing in front of them with your arms wide open

2) Shaking hands must be accompanied with a massaging of the other persons upper arm to count as tactile voting.

3) It is illegal to hug a person who is in a voting booth, or to walk to the booth whilst hugging

The voting continues.

Also In Today's Paper:

Joey Essex Tipped To Replace Nick Robinson As BBC Cuts Bite

Joey Essex Said Ed Miliband Is Like Justin Bieber. But Can Ed Sing? Our Panel Of Experts Set Out Their Stall

Picture Special: Is This The Most Artistic Spoiling Of The Ballot In History? [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5731 - VICTORIA SPONGE (STRAWBERRY JAM FILLING)
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Oh Heck. Apparently there is a Looney Party as well as a Labour Party. I am dyslexic. Is it safer for me to vote Conservative?

Yours, Brendan Horse

Dear Sir,

I'm really enjoying this general election campaign. Tell me, if it is a draw do they go to extra time? How exciting.

Yours, Shelly Smith

Dear Sir,

I am absolutely furious. Ggggrrrrrrrr. Phew! I feel much better now, thank you.

Yours, James French [link]

CAN HEADSTANDS CURE YOUR BAD BACK OR MAKE IT WORSE? OUR EXPERTS REVEAL ALL FOR 45% OF THE POPULATION
Daily Armstretchograph

Royal Baby Election Crisis: What Happens If They Name The Baby On General Election Day?

Fears for a constitutional crisis were growing last night after it was feared that the name of the new Royal baby will be announced on General Election day, Thursday.

Special plans have been drawn up by the BBC which will mean the analysis of what the name means will be put as rolling coverage on BBC2, while the General Election will be covered on BBC1.

A Royal baby has never before been named on a General Election day.

Names such as Alice, Charlotte and Maud have all been employed by the BBC.

The sleeping continues.

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'If Royal Baby Called Maud I'll Make A Million Says Builder' it seems that there were a number of errors: Maud was 100-1. Anastasia was 500-1. Jim-Bob was 2000-1 but only if the baby was a boy, and it was of course a girl, we are happy to set the record straight. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRAND CHILDREN, PART 83: HOW TO SUCCEED IN JELLY JUMP WHEN YOU HAVE ADVANCED PARKINSON'S DISEASE
Daily Armstretchograph

Could Royal Baby Be About To Be Named Same As Another Member Of Royal Family?

Fears for a constitutional crisis were growing last night after suggestions that the new Royal baby was about to be named the same as someone else in the Royal Family.

Naming a Royal baby the same as another member of the Royal Family has happened occasionally before, but not since the war.

It is feared that were the new baby girl to be named the same as another member of the Royal Family people will confuse her with the other one, and if the other one then does something daft or silly then it will reflect poorly on who will effectively become the fourth in line to the throne.

Brenda, Pamela and Zelda are all considered possible Royal baby names by bookies

The naming continues.

Also In Today's Paper:

David Cameron Eats Pomegranates As General Election Nears

Ed Miliband To Tackle Bacon Sandwich Again In Last Ditch Election Stunt

Ten Things That Can Happen In The Last Days Of The General Election Campaign Nobody Is Expecting [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5730 - CRESS
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I have been making papier machie busts of all the political leaders but due to unforeseen circumstances I won't get them finished for Thursday the day of the general election. Does anybody have any tips on how I can speed up the process to get them done in time? I'm Welsh.

Yours, Elvis Smith

Dear Sir,

Does anybody know what the capital of London is? I'm having a drunk argument with my mate in the pub and he's telling me I'm a twit.

Yours, Pete Frendier

Dear Sir,

I remember in my childhood all drinks in pubs came with a straw. Why did they change that? I bet its those politically correct idiots scared of people poking their eyes out with the straws.

Yours, Jim 'One Eye' Peters [link]

CAN FRUIT MAKE YOU MORE WITTY? SURPRISING NEW EVIDENCE REVEALED
Daily Armstretchograph

Ed Miliband Canvases Votes From Leader Of People Who Don't Vote

Ed Miliband, the Labour Party leader, has drawn criticism from his party after canvassing the votes of people who don't vote, it emerged last night.

Russell Brand, 6ft 2, the leader of the Don't Vote For Anyone Party, greeted the Labour leader into his bedroom studio on YouTube last week as the Labour leader attempted to get people who don't vote to vote for him.

An expert in voting told this newspaper: "This is a desperate measure to gain more votes. But as the people he's asking to vote for him don't vote it is difficult to see what he has to gain. Perhaps Brand, 39, offered him some fashion tips."

The desperation continues.

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'How Fat Can You Get?' it seems that there were a number of errors: Eggs come from lady birds, we are happy to set the record straight. The picture we incorrectly used was in fact the fattest person in the world with cushions wrapped around her body and was not the fattest person in the world if you removed the cushions that she had tied to herself, we are happy to report that we have sacked our picture editor for what was just the latest in a long line of errors. The answer to the main question was 110 stones, we didn't have enough space to fit that in, we apologise. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRAND CHILDREN, PART 82: THE DANGERS OF CAMMING WHILE YOU ARE ON THE TOILET
Daily Armstretchograph

CAN THE PARANORMAL MAKE YOU VOTE CONSERVATIVE?

The Conservative party has for a long time benefited from posh people in posh houses being haunted by Conservative voting ghosts, a survey published on line said last night.

Houses, some as old as 400 years, are being haunted by inhabitants of other times, according to experts.

The votes of up to 56% of posh people can be directly attributed to Conservative haunting ghosts of people who lived many years ago. One such voter, who asked not to be named, said: "I tried voting LibDem last time and there was hell to pay when I got home. It's only been the last few weeks that I can shut the front door properly."

The haunting continues.

Also In Today's Paper:

Would Russell Brand Be As Funny If He Was Bald? Our Political Experts Debate

Is Ed Miliband About To Start Wearing Michael Foots Old Macintoshes? Yes, Hopes George Osborne

Could Electric Cars Kill You With An Electric Shock Up Your Bottom? It's Possible Says Expert [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5729 - BOIL IN THE BAG PUDDING
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I'm writing this as I've just finished running the London marathon. Does anybody know where I go when I've finished? It looks like they've all packed up and gone home.

Yours, Jimmy Drank

Dear Sir,

I'm trying to think of a place to take my parents for a trip this week but I don't want to be harassed by politicians asking for me to vote for them. Does anybody know where I can go?

Yours, Duncan Friend

Dear Sir,

I think I've discovered the cure to the common cold. Does anybody know what I do next? Do I have to fill out some forms or something?

Yours, Ben Grayson [link]

I'M LINING UP TO BE THE FIRST TO BE PUNCHED BY CLARKSON, CLAIMS HOPEFUL NEW ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
Daily Armstretchograph

SNP Will 'Unleash Loch Ness Monster On England' If Elected, Claims Expert

The SNP have plans to let the Loch Ness Monster out of Loch Ness and swim down to London to cause havoc down the Thames, according to insiders last night.

Fears are growing that an SNP victory in the general election could lead to the monster being released to England as soon as 1st June with traffic chaos expected and property prices expected to plummet around the area the monster decides to make a new home.

A spokesman for Labour said that the Loch Ness Monster is not expected to be part of any coalition deal with the SNP if any coalition deal is needed following the polls.

The election continues.

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'SNP Set To Ask For Free Custard As Condition Of Labour Coalition' it seems that there were a number of errors: Custard is eggs milk and corn flour, we are happy to set the record straight. Pouring custard over pie is not called smushing in Scotland as we claimed. Haggis is not served with custard and does not have custard in it, unless the stomach the haggis has been cooked in was eaten by the animal owning the stomach and it wasn't washed properly before it was filled with the Haggis ingredients as is traditional in some parts of Scotland, we are happy to set the record straight. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRAND CHILDREN, PART 81: HOW TO GET EVERY SINGLE WORD WRONG WHEN USING AUTO CORRECT WHEN YOU TYPE IN TEXT
Daily Armstretchograph

How Easy Is It To Fail A Dementia Test If You Are Really Trying?

Investigation: How easy is it to fail a dementia test if you are really trying? The ease with which a person can intentionally fail a dementia test should concern us all.

Dementia tests are split into two types, multiple choice written tests and machine reasoning tests.

To fail a multiple choice dementia test if you are really trying all you have to do is to sit there as still as you can for the entire time of the test.

To fail a machine reasoning test all you have to do is press the same button over and over again. If someone tells you to press a different button press the same button again until the test is over.

The dementia testing continues.

Also In Today's Paper:

Which Party Leader Can Do The Best Shadow Animal Images? The Answer May Surprise You.

Nigel Farage Has A Pain In The Neck, Claims Doctor

Which Party Leader Would Win A Topless Car Wash Contest? Have Your Say [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5728 - NUCLEAR WASTE
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I am writing this letter while running the London Marathon. Phooo. I'm all puffed. I bet you wouldn't want to smell my socks right now!

Yours, Jimmy Staple

Dear Sir,

Not only am I writing this while running the London Marathon, but I'm also dressed as a cow. Do I win an award?

Yours, Shirley Gupta

Dear Sir,

Hello. I am writing this letter while running the London Marathon. Nice day for it! Weeee....

Yours, Sharon Frog [link]