The Real Scandal Here Is That William Hague Is Wearing Caps Again

William Hague is at it again!!!

He's wearing baseball caps during what could be the biggest gay sex scandal of this government since the one in the first ten days.

Yes, after the last time!

William, don'cha listen to us girls here at the Moan?

No foreign secretary should wear a baseball cap, and a tight fitting shirt and sunglasses if they want to get away with a story like that, babe. [Link]

X Factor Louis - 'I Almost Walked Again'

X Factor's Louis Walsh threatened to walk today after his car didn't turn up.

The car, sent by producers to the X Factor judge's dressing room to take him the 400 yards to the studio, was delayed after it was accidentally sent to a garage for a tune up.

This follows news that X-Factor contestants' voices had been put through some sort of computer thingie called auto tune to make them sound right.

How ironic is that?

Louis Walsh would have taken 5 minutes to walk the 400 yards to the studio, say scientists.

In other X Factor news: Pictures of Cheryl Still-Cole dribbling when she collapses from malaria is due to be shown on this weeks show.

It's a disgrace.

For more desperate X Factor tie in stories you'll just have to buy the paper. [Link]

David Beckham Will Be Able To Bend It Until He's 62, Say Doctors

Doctors came to the aid of a rapidly aging David Beckham today, saying he will be able to bend it until he is 62.

Claiming that they had carried out tests on his ankles, knees and elbows, doctors said Beckham's kicking power will not start to deteriorate for at least another 20 years.

And that's assuming no new medical procedure isn't invented in the next 15 years that could come to the assistance of England's greatest living footballing son to extend his footballing life well into his 70s.

The operation for the procedure that has yet to be invented could take over 13 hours it is thought.

-x-x-x-

DID YOU KNOW? When David Beckham is eventually knighted his wife will be called Lady Posh, according to a royal expert standing outside Buckingham Palace last night. [Link]

Well, Has He Or Hasn't He Married, Huh?

Nut case Robbie Williams perhaps got married yesterday for all he could be bothered to tell us.

The former fat boy band member had a private ceremony out of the gaze of paparazzi who had sociably gone to take picture of the event, but were turned away at the door.

Is this the way to treat readers of the Daily Moan who have bought his records, CDs and mp7's and made him one of the most successful artists in this country since that awful Welsh singer with the wobbly knees?

Eee Nads. [Link]

We Said Barbeque Summer, Not Barbeques Summer, Say Weather Experts

Weather experts who had promised us a barbeque summer told us to stop moaning, we had it on the 17th July last month.

The weather expert who told us to expect a barbeque summer said:

"I never said there would be a barbeques summer, just a barbeque summer. If you didn't bother to have a barbeque on the one nice day this year it's your own stupid bloody fault."

August could go down as the moaniest in history if it keeps raining like this.

Gaaad. Bloody bleedin typical. [Link]

Ghosts Of Dead Media Careers Haunting Big Brother Set

A number of strange goings on in the Big Brother house is being blamed on dead media careers haunting the set.

Jugs flying through the air, farts but there's nobody there, air conditioning going haywire, people not having sex and yet the beds squeak like they are, are all signs that the Big Brother house is haunted.

But this isn't a ploy to get people to watch Big Brother just to see the ghosts, claimed one media consultant who appeared in series three of the show.

"The Big Brother set really is being haunted and those in the other world are determined to give the show a spooky send off."

As a tribute to the most successful Big Brother star in history, housemates will pick on a dignified accomplished Indian lady and call her snooty on Saturday. [Link]