HOW TO DEHUMIDIFY AN IPAD WITH A DAMP CLOTH AND PARACETAMOL FOR ABSOLUTE BEGINNERS
The Thun

NHS A&E system in 'intensive care', warns senior MP

Just when it was thought that the crisis in the NHS couldn't get any worse, it got worse today, after an MP said A&E units in many hospitals are being moved into intensive care.

This means that anybody who goes to an A&E will need to get a condition word for whatever is wrong with them such as "serious", "critical", "bubbly", "could try harder" or "doesn't know why he is here".

Critics of the coalition said it was a false economy to move A&E to intensive care, as the departments are normally nowhere near each other.

The machine that goes BING! continues.

(Video found in our new website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Corrections: In yesterday's story: '10 More Things To Be Revealed In The Latest Sony Hack' it seems that there were a number of errors: The compromising pictures of two Sony executives were released in the 2010 and 2011 Sony hacks and not the 2014 hack as we reported. The 2014 Sony hack should probably be referred to as the 2014-2018 Sony hack, we will have to wait and see. Sony would play the Rick Moranis character in a Ghostbusters remake, and not the librarian who passes out, we are happy to set the record straight. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRAND CHILDREN, PART 48: TWO TO FIVE FINGER MINECRAFT CHEAT JESTURES
Daily Stir

Seth Rogen Invited To North Korea

Seth Rogen has been invited to North Korea for a peace meeting, a seventy-five star general from North Korea announced last night.

This is believed to be the first sign that North Korea are trying to build bridges with the Americans after the FBI claimed the country was behind a hack of Sony Pictures over the film The Interview which satirised North Korea's leader, co-written by Rogen.

But experts on the secretive state said that it was highly unlikely that a peace meeting was the main reason for the meeting, and that the real reason for the meeting could be 'just about anything else'.

BREAKING: Carrie Mathison from Homeland isn't being sent to North Korea in the next series even though the White House admitted last night it would have been a proportional response.

Seth Rogen and Dave Franco are the American Ant and Dec.

The next hack nears.

(Video found in our new website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

Twerking And Christmas Pudding - Do They Go Together?

Someone Wins Strictly Come Dancing Again, Says Expert

Prince George Style Soldier Christmas Jumper Made For A Man And Modeled By Pro Wrestler Is Slammed [link]

HOW TO UNWRAP ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS THIS CHRISTMAS: NUMBER 5694, EDIBLE UNDERWEAR
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Further to your excellent article "Exploding Chestnut Surprise: Is This The Most Dangerous Christmas Recipe Ever?" I just cannot wait to see how fast I can clear the kitchen either. The banging starts at 12:03 as you suggested. Kudos.

Yours, Mary Berry-Chops

Dear Sir,

Yes, I completely agree with your recipe "Exploding Chestnut Surprise: Is This The Most Dangerous Christmas Recipe Ever?" There is probably a very good reason why Jamie Oliver didn't have this in his television special and I'm not surprised it has been banned in Germany for blinding reindeer. Anti-Kudos.

Yours, Jimmy Claus

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Dear Sir,

Oh please,"Exploding Chestnut Surprise: Is This The Most Dangerous Christmas Recipe Ever?"? I would have thought heating up a can of chestnuts until they burst was obviously so dangerous that nobody in their right mind, even those of us danger seekers who like a few drinks on Christmas Day would try even if to avoid the endless tedium.

Yours, Graham Buckingham [link]

HOW TO SWITCH OFF AN IPAD FOR ABSOLUTE BEGINNERS
The Thun

How Do You Say These Russian Banks? Have Your Say, Festive Special

The Russian rouble is in trouble, so to celebrate we thought it would be fun to find out how our readers pronounced some of Russia's biggest banks

1) сберегательный банк

"Caka perahata sixahnk" - Ben, London

"see6epweraswuasxcbklink bankski" - Cheryl, X Factor

"Pour me another ten glasses of pink Champagne and I'll give it a go" - Steph, Channel 4

2) Центральный банк Российской Федерации

"Shazza zaa plink pckying osterich. But I'm only guessing!" - Jenny, Aberystwyth

3) Газпромбанк

"Right angle three pi pommy bank" - Putin, Moscow

The rouble continues.

(Video found in our new website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Did Steph And Dom Get Faraged, Or Did Farage Get Steph And Dommed On Channel 4 Last Night?' it seems that there were a number of errors: Hitler has only got one ball, the other is in the Albert Hall, we are happy to set the record straight. Farage, 49, in fact looked like a toad sitting on a nail. It was, in fact, like Terry and June meets Fawlty Towers, are are happy to set the record straight again. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRANDCHILDREN, PART 46: SHOULD I BUY A NOKIA TABLET AS THEY ARE THE ONLY MAKE I'VE HEARD OF?
Daily Stir

Poundland Christmas Lights Wishes Customers 'Merry Shitmas'

Poundland is getting into all sorts of scrapes this year after it was discovered that the foreigners who make their stuff and who can't speak any English can't seem to spell Merry Christmas either.

Merry shitmas - Poundland

But if spelling Merry Christmas was too much for our favourite cheap and cheerful shop on the High Street, Poundland went a step further by spelling it even wronger than that...

Marry Christmas...?

The pound continues.

(Video found in our new website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

How To Give Granny A Russell Brand Hair Do While She Takes A Nap After Lunch This Christmas

Poundland To Start Selling Litres Of Petrol By March, Predicts Expert

Grumpy Cat Cooks Christmas Dinner, Part 3 [link]

HOW TO UNWRAP ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS THIS CHRISTMAS: NUMBER 5693, SLADE'S MERRY CHRISTMAS CD
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

My favourite way of eating a mince pie is to put it between two slices of buttered toast. I bet nobody has ever done that before.

Yours, Posh John

Dear Sir,

I love eating mince pie sandwiches - that's a mince pie in between two other mince pies. My dad joked once that it was a bit like a Big Mac but just mince pies. We laughed.

Yours, John Fresh

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Dear Sir,

Did you know that Christmas pudding makes a very good festive substitute for putty? If one of your windows falls out, use Christmas pudding to put it back in and have a constant reminder of the spirit of Christmas.

Yours, Max Tubber [link]

HOW TO SWITCH OFF AN IPAD WITH JUST YOUR FINGERS FOR ABSOLUTE BEGINNERS
The Thun

Is This The Line Of Code That Grounded Flights Last Week?

The line of code that stopped flights from flying last week, knocking out and delaying flights for a further three days, has been found, we can report.

The single line of code in 4 million lines of code was blamed for the downage.

The line of code, which has since been modified, is,

 

stop;

 

The code was written in the early 1990s and hadn't been called since then, speculated an insider.

A spokesman for computers told this newspaper: "It was a delay waiting to happen."

The delays continue.

(Video found in our new website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Corrections: In yesterday's story: '10 Things To Do When Your Flight Is Delayed' it seems that there were a number of errors: Number 5 has since been redacted by the security services - if you still have a copy of this article you must by law colour in the part 5 with a black felt tipped pen until you can read it no more. Torturing airport staff with your constant questions is now illegal, we are happy to set the record straight. The correct airport announcement to delayed passengers should, of course, have been, "bing bong Passengers are asked to keep all items of personal luggage with them at all times bing bong", and not bong bing as we typed. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR CHILDREN, PART 46: PLAYING A GAME ON A TABLET WITH ONE HAND WHILE HOLDING A GLASS OF PROSSECO IN THE OTHER
Daily Stir

First Draft Screenplay Of Next James Bond Movie Appears Online

Spectre, the next James Bond movie, has been hacked and the first draft of the screenplay is available online, we discovered shortly after we read it.

The third act of the movie includes a scene where a live tarantula the size of that pickle shaped building in London is unleashed and attacks MI6, has been slammed by everyone in Sony who has an email account, including a number of producers, executives and wanderers.

The punctuation is regarded as some of the worst ever seen in Hollywood, with some of the scenes not being punctuated with a single comma, full stop or question mark.

The next Bond crisis nears.

(Video found in our new website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

How to eat 10 mince pies in a day and not pile on the pounds

Is it a myth that French people crush chestnuts with their own bare feet for use in their Christmas stuffing? We investigate.

Prince George's Christmas Jumper Sells Out In Five Minutes [link]

HOW TO UNWRAP ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS THIS CHRISTMAS: NUMBER 5693, NODDY AND BIG EARS IN A RED CAR
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Further to your excellent article "Leaked Sony Emails Reveal How Much Movie Studios Hate Custard" I completely agree. Custard is wildly overrated in the panoply of sweet sauces.

Yours, Mary Bourbon

Dear Sir,

Yes, I completely agree with your missive "Leaked Sony Emails Reveal How Much Movie Studios Hate Custard". If made too sweet it can easily destroy a pleasant slice of pie and make it taste like a stick of juicy fruit chewed for under two minutes by a person with dirty teeth. Yuck.

Yours, Jenny Frogsporn

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Dear Sir,

Oh please, "Leaked Sony Emails Reveal How Much Movie Studios Hate Custard"? Who can possibly hate custard, the king of all sweet sauces? These movie types are completely out of touch with the common people.

Yours, Frank Brayson [link]

HOW TO SWITCH ON AN IPAD FOR ABSOLUTE BEGINNERS
The Thun

Government To Allow Jam Donuts To Be Included In 5-A-Day

Fearing it will miss its 5-a-day target for 2015, the government today announced that the raspberry jam in jam donuts is to be included in its 5-a-day target, as well as pizzas, bars of chocolate with fruit in them and tomato ketchup.

Experts advising the government told our reporter: "The government will also scrap the only one fruit counts per day rule so it means you can now get your whole 5-a-day if you buy a pack of 5 jam donuts."

An obesity expert slammed the government: "I can't immediately put my finger on what's wrong here. What are they up to?"

The Christmas continues.

(Video found in our new website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'America Acted Like One Of The Baddies In One Of Their Movies' it seems that there were a number of errors: The quote from the irct.org website defining torture was "torture is the intentional infliction of severe mental or physical pain or suffering by or with the consent of the state authorities for a specific purpose", so if there is no official state at the time, such as was the case of in Iraq and Afghanistan, then nothing can ever be defined as torture, we are happy to set the record straight. Water Bedding is not a torture, it is Water Boarding, we apologise for running our 1999 spelling checker on the article. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR CHILDREN, PART 45: WHICH WAY UP SHOULD YOU HOLD A TABLET?
Daily Stir

Chris Rea Having Family Round His This Year

Chris Rea won't be driving home for Christmas this year, despite what he sings in his song on the radio.

That's the shocking revelation this week as it was revealed that the singer has invited the family round his this year.

In a recorded statement, the gravely voiced songmeistro sang to this newspaper: "I can't wait to see those faces."

The Christmas nears.

(Video found in our new website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

Why Doctors Are Prescribing Booze This Christmas

50% Of People Rattle From the Drugs They Are Taking, Says Report

If Tesco's Were To Run Out Of Turkeys This Week It Will Be Worst Possible End To The Year For Embattled Supermarket Group, Claim Experts [link]

HOW TO UNWRAP ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS THIS CHRISTMAS: NUMBER 5692, WAXED FRUITS FROM 1934
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I love it when Christmas falls on a Thursday because we then have Friday off then the weekend and then I can usually work out an illness to get me off work until the New Year.

Yours, Barry German, Editor of the Daily Moan

Dear Sir,

Has anybody ever seen a partridge in a pear tree outside of the image you get when you sing the song? I bet it never happened.

Yours, Freddi Practical

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Dear Sir,

BEHIND YOU! I have often thought that the pantomime season is ill represented in your letters page. I hope this letter goes some way of correcting this long standing omission. Oh yes it does.

Yours, Dame Gurtie Twintub [link]

WHICH WINES GO BEST WITH WHICH TELEVISION PROGRAMMES THIS CHRISTMAS? OUR EXCLUSIVE GUIDE STARTS TODAY
The Thun

Pub Karaoke Singers 'Must Pass Breathalyser Test'

After a number of complaints following a surge in out of tune renditions of popular tunes, pubs have been told to tighten up their security controlling who can grab the microphone and sing in karaokes across the country, it was revealed this morning.

An expert told this newspaper: "The writing is finally on the walls for karaoke singers who believe they are good enough to sing even though they wouldn't dream of getting behind the wheel to drive home afterwards."

The number of murdered tunes is believed to have hit over 4000 last year, an all time high.

A spokesman for the music industry explained: "The karaoke free for all has benefited only a few heavy drinkers. At last sanity is restored."

The most popular out of tunes songs so far this year are: 1) Budapest by George Ezra, 2) All About That Bass by Meghan Trainor and 3) Goldfinger by Shirley Basey.

The warbling continues.

(Video found in our new website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Correction: In yesterday's story: 'Teachers are like The Blob and I'm like Steve McQueen says Michael Gove' it seems that there were a number of errors: The Blob, starring Steve McQueen, has a 95 minute running time, and not 3 years, we are happy to set the record straight. Steve McQueen's character in The Blob did not defeat the Blob by being sacked as we claimed. Steve McQueen did not wear spectacles to defeat The Blob as we reported. [link]

INSIDE: THE BEST FREE CHRISTMAS TELLY GUIDE ALL IN RED PAGES 4-15
Daily Stir

People Who Eat With Their Mouths In Restaurants Should Do It In The Corner Out Of Sight, Says Farage

People who eat with their mouths should sit in the corner out of the sight of people who might be offended, said Jimmy Farage speaking on the radio today.

He said: "Spaghetti is a particularly upsetting thing to watch people try to eat in public especially when the napkins are dirty or the person eating the spaghetti doesn't know how to roll the pasta around their forks like what really cool Italians can do."

"Accidental spitting and dribbling are particularly horrible things to have to watch people do when they eat in restaurants but this could be avoided by making them sit in a corner eating out of sight of others," he continued.

The election year nears.

(Video found in our new website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

Why Are Handstands Easier After a Couple Of Pints? Our Experts Explain

VIDEO: Man accidentally swallows empty bottle of wine in latest online dare

Fat or Fake Fat? Can you tell who is really fat or who is only wearing a fat suit? [link]

HOW TO UNWRAP ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS THIS CHRISTMAS: NUMBER 5691, CHRISTMAS JUMPERS
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Imagine my horror when I received a Christmas card from Tony and Cherie Blair. Does anybody know how I can find out how high up on the terrorist danger list I am?

Yours, Ben Denmark

Dear Sir,

Thank you so much for your excellent article 15 sprouts per Christmas dinner is optimum amount, says scientist. At last someone has said it out loud. I couldn't agree more.

Yours, Harry Stiles

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Dear Sir,

I do hope the X Factor 8 band members in Stereo Kicks are soon asked onto the Jonathan Ross show. I just can't wait to see all the other guests fall off the end of the sofa when they sit down. I'm laughing about it already.

Yours, Charlie Chaplin-Dooley [link]

FREE INSIDE: OUR CHRISTMAS FAIRY SETS OUT TEN TIPS FOR THE PERFECT DAY
The Thun

Murderer's Brain Goes Missing

Texas, USA: The brain of a man who shot 16 people dead, which was saved in a jar in a Texas University, has gone missing, surprised staff in the University revealed last night.

The brain was sent to the University for safe keeping but fears were growing, last night, that it was one of the worst places to have been sent now that it has gone missing.

The University is not believed to have sent out a search party as there was bad weather with heavy lightening and it had gone all creepily black and white.

Brains are soft to the touch and if squeezed make a squeaky sound.

The terror continues

(Video found in our new website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Correction: In yesterday's story: 'PMQs: Cameron in Ed Balls 'political maso-sadism' jibe' it seems that there were a number of errors: It seems that early editions of the paper had the headline 'PMQs: Cameron 'political maso-sadism' to Balls'. Sado Masochism is not a Czech cartoon character as we thought. #CameronMustBringSexyBack is not trending on Twitter as we claimed.[link]

INSIDE: TEN NEW PLACES TO HANG YOUR CHRISTMAS BAUBLES
Daily Stir

2014 Set To Be Fastest Ever

Unless December slows down, 2014 is predicted to be the fastest year since records began.

This according to the United Nations.

The zippyness continues.

(Video found in our new website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

Is This Our Most Brilliant Autumn Statement Poem Yet?

Is This The Cutest Dog In A Teddy Bear Costume Ever?

Cold Weather Snap Expected At Weekend Could Turn Out Well, Says Expert [link]

HOW TO UNWRAP ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS THIS CHRISTMAS: NUMBER 5690, SOCKS
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Imagine my horror when my husband decided we would have our own English version of the Bushtucker trial after tea last night? He brought in a live chicken and told us we would all have to eat it live. Thankfully he is a practical joker and luckily the chicken managed to peck his eyes out before he could eat it. Watch our video on youTube. I can assure you we haven't gone too far this time.

Yours, Sherry Attwood

Dear Sir,

Well done to Philip Scofield for his 24 hours long programme on ITV3. I only found out by chance when I tuned in to watch Miss Marple. What a delight that itv3 have decided to not show repeats for a day. I cannot think of anyone better to replace Miss Marple than Philip Scofield. ITV have another sluthing winner on their hands, how do they do it?

Yours, June Muggeridge

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Dear Sir,

Has Penny Mordaunt started something in Westminster? David Cameron talking about 'sticking it up Ed Balls'? Has he gone too far this time? It can only get worse when the festive drinks start flowing later in the month.

Yours, Benny Hill [link]

FREE INSIDE: HIGH STREET BAKER TO LAUNCH FIRST EVER SAUINCE PIE - A FESTIVE FUSION OF A SAUSAGE ROLL AND A MINCE PIE
The Thun

Black Friday: Fat People Get 75% More Bargains Than Thin People

People with a BMI over 35 were the big winners in the Black Friday riot sales, supermarket receipts seen by this newspaper confirmed this morning.

Thin people, with a healthy BMI of under 25, were completely overwhelmed in the stampedes, and had difficulty lifting boxes with wide screen televisions in them because the big people grabbed hold of the boxes stopping them being lifted.

"I saw it. It was like thin humans vs elephant size humans," explained a zoologist in Asda in a David Attenborough style voice on Friday, "the thin humans didn't stand a chance and were quickly pushed aside or sat on in the stampede."

One expert on human sizes told this newspaper: "The really fat people have explosive power which is useful in an intense shopping trip experience. They imagine losing a bargain is the same as missing a meal and they translate this anger into grabby type sitty violence that is no match for their smaller sized human shopping equivalents."

The clear up continues

(Video found in our new website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Correction: In yesterday's story: 'I Will Personally Arrest Unemployed European Immigrants If They Are Still Here After 6 Months, Says David Cameron' it seems that there were a number of errors: Arresting someone just because they are European with no job is not allowed by Europe. David Cameron is not as posh as David Mellor as we claimed. Europe is a continent, we accidentally wrote incontinent. [link]

INSIDE: UKIP MEMBERS DRINK MORE PER HEAD THAN ANY OTHER POLITICAL PARTY CLAIMS PROFESSOR
Daily Stir

MP Says C*ck In Speech And Nobody Notices For 17 Months

Tory MP Penny Mordaunt, named after a frigate, decided to ruffle feathers in the Westminster hen house with a speech strewn with naughty words if taken out of context, it was discovered last June after she admitted it last week.

Saying c*ck six times, lay, laid or laying 5 times and country 4 times, the MP was left facing claims she was trivialising parliament with her egg-regious word play.

Potty mouthed Mordaunt was promoted to Parliamentary Under-Secretary of State, Department for Communities and Local Government in July 2014, 13 months after her c*ck filled Parliamentary speech.

The anarchy continues.

(Video found in our new website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

How many times can you say c*ck in a conversation before someone asks you to stop?

Plans For Buy Nothing Day Shelved After It Accidentally Fell On Black Friday This Year

37 Stone Man Biggest Winner In Black Friday Television Bargains [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5689, GRUEL
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Am I the only reader to be pleased that at last the Parliamentary Under-Secretary of State, Department for Communities and Local Government, Penny Mordaunt, is making the headlines? I live in a small village called Titty Ho in Northamptonshire. I wonder if she is interested in helping us get our name out?

Yours, Harry Window

Dear Sir,

Penny Mordaunt is getting into trouble for saying rude words in a spoof address to parliament the other year. I wonder if she could give my local hill a mention in her next address? It's Pennycomequick Hill.

Yours, Jane Cocksmith

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Dear Sir,

I live near a place called Wetwang and I would very much like the Parliamentary Under-Secretary of State, Department for Communities and Local Government, Penny Mordaunt, to give us all a mention in her next address to parliament.

Yours, Fred Frog [link]

FREE INSIDE: HOW TO SWEAR AT A LONDON TAXI DRIVER BUT STILL GET TO WHERE YOU ASKED TO GO
The Thun

Lord Snooty Takes A Taxi Ride Trips 1 And 2

Just days after David Mellor's infamous rant at a London cabbie, we sent our very own Lord Snooty out for various cab rides in London to see what scrapes he could get into.

Trip 1:

Lord Snooty: Take me to Buckingham Palace you pucking funt

Taxi Driver: Don't clucking talk to me like that you prucking ponce. I'll have none of it in my cab. None of it I tell you.

Lord Snooty: Don't tell me you'll have nothing of it in your guffing cab. You horseface. Do you know who I am? I own my own car and can drive it better than you. Now, drive where I've told you or I will harangue you some more.

Taxi Driver: Get out of my car.

Trip 2:

Lord Snooty: Cruck a duck! You drive like you are pissed. How dare you drive me when you are drunk.

Taxi Driver: Who are you saying is drunk? I'm not drunk it's you who is drunk [inaudible]

Lord Snooty: I'll have you know I have sat in cabs drunk with much more distinguished people than you. I sat once with a man with a degree in Piracy, I would very much doubt you have a degree in Piracy on the High Seas. So don't blucking ruck with me you old quack. He taught me a thing or two about sword fighting which I can assure you are very deadly.

Taxi Driver. And you've brought your sword have you sir?

Loord Snooty: How dare you talk back at me like that. I don't need a sword to cruck up a duck like you. I could use this suitcase, it's pretty much the same thing it's all about stance and swinging your arm right.

The ranting continues

(Video found in our new website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Correction: In yesterday's story: 'Calls For Save The Children To Amend Award Given To Tony Blair To 'Global Legacy Award (Not Iraq)' it seems that there were a number of errors: Tony Blair was once known as Bambi because he looked so sweet when he first became prime minister. The odd one out is the mushy peas, all the others originate from the South of England. Tony Blair never said "ee bye gum", that was Angelina Jolie, we are happy to set the record straight. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO SWEAR LIKE A TORY BIG WIG
The Thun

Lord Snooty Takes A Taxi Ride: Trips 3 and 4

More scrapes from Lord Snooty out to make trouble in taxi land...

Trip 3:

Lord Snooty: I'll simply not tolerate your abuse.

Taxi Driver: I said it'll be 20 nicker. 20 pounds. What did you think I said?

Lord Snooty: Don't clucking ask me what I think. I'll have you know I drove a car during the first Iraq War. Not in Iraq, in London, but I've been driving much longer than you have.

Taxi Driver: So are you going to pay me then?

Lord Snooty: Don't talk over me while I'm talking. I notice you rounded it up to 20 pound-quids - does that mean you are including your tip in there? I'll not be paying a greasy old toad like you a tip.

Taxi Driver: No, the tip would be optional...

Trip 4:

Lord Snooty: Top of the day to you, Mr Cabbie. Ha ha. Are you David Mellor's Taxi Driver from the other day my good man?

Taxi Driver: What of it?

Lord Snooty: There's no need to plucking take that funting tone with me you blunt. Keep a civil tongue in your shucking mouth. I simply asked you a simple blunting question. Are you too stupid to answer a simple ducking question?

Taxi Driver: No.

Lord Snooty: Oh. [pause] So is that No you're not David Mellor's Taxi Driver or No you're too stupid to answer the flunting question?

Taxi Driver: [Sigh] Where do you want to go to?

Lord Snooty: Don't hucking change the ka-qwunting question. I asked you a question. Do you know who I am? I own a cabinet. I've won awards from people pleased to see me leave a radio station and my hair is all my own, you sweaty bint...

The ranting continues.

(Video found in our new website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

Is It Time To Erect The First Statue Of Lewis Hamilton?

How To Tell If Your MP Is Out Of Touch

OK Chris is a Pratt, But He Isn't Stupid: Why 2014 Is Chris Pratt's Year [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5689, CHRISTMAS PUDDING AND CUSTARD
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

If anybody has ever met David Mellor could they tell me: does he smell of gin? I have a £50 bet riding on it.

Yours, Harry Batholemew

Dear Sir,

It should be a national pastime winding David Mellor up. When he bites he really bites.

Yours, Barry Gullible

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Dear Sir,

I took part in your No Diet Diet last week and so far I have gained 3 stone. What am I doing wrong?

Yours, Magnus Palava [link]

FREE INSIDE: THE ART OF SNEERING IN UNDER 140 CHARACTERS
The Thun

Ed Miliband 'Sort Of Like A Geeky Incredible Hulk When Angry', Claims Source

A source close to Labour leader Ed Miliband said he had never seen him as angry as he was this week.

Miliband, 45, was said to have ripped his shirt off and swung it around his head. His trousers looked like they were going to burst apart as he screamed in anger at the top of his voice, the source told this newspaper.

An election strategist has already suggested Miliband uses the catchphrase "Don't make me angry you wouldn't like me when I'm angry," to help him connect to voters.

The tweeting continues

(Video found in our new website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Correction: In yesterday's story: 'Ed Miliband Does A Mean RKO when Angry, Says Source' it seems that there were a number of errors: An RKO is, in fact, a professional wrestling move by Randy Orton and involves running up behind someone grabbing them around the neck and slamming their face into the ground knocking them completely out, we are happy to set the record straight. Slapping someone hard in the face is in fact a criminal offense. The third quote should have read: "Anyone who thought England would do well in the World Cup this year and put three flags up and didn't tear them down in embarrassment when we didn't get through the group stages, isn't to be messed with". [Link]

INSIDE: COULD UKIP AND SNP HOLD THE BALANCE OF POWER AFTER ELECTION? SALIVATING POLITICAL COMMENTATOR DRIBBLES OPENLY AND AT LENGTH
Daily Stir

Rochester Kitchen Sink Thwacks Cameron In Mush Like Boomerang

Prime Minister, David Cameron, 35, was smashed in the kisser with the returning kitchen sink he threw at Rochester last week.

Only weeks before, the very same kitchen sink was thrown successfully at Scotland to keep them in the United Kingdom.

A spokesman for the Conservative Party told this newspaper: "Throwing the kitchen sink is one of those great British country pursuits we believe in in the Conservative Party. It's like rolling cheeses down hills or throwing wellington boots as far as you can in muddy fields."

The plumbing continues.

(Video found in our new website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

Are Labour Close To Signing Scooby Doo For Election?

How To Look Good Naked With Fruit Placed Strategically In Pictures

Could UKIP Win The Next Election? Our Experts Eventually Say No After Waffling For Three Pages [Link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5688, A MINCE PIE THE SIZE OF A SMALL YAPPY TYPE DOG
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Nobody ever seems to hang flags straight any more. I resign.

Yours, Harry Window, President Of The Flag Hangers Guild Of Rochester

England flags - Emily Thornberry tweet

Dear Sir,

Just a note to say that I am wearing my England flag underpants if anybody from your newspaper would like to come round to take a photograph of me.

Yours In Expectation, Jim Galigapos

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Dear Sir,

I took part in your No Diet Diet last week and so far I have not lost any weight. What am I doing wrong?

Yours, Magnus Palava [Link]