Rating Agencies Upgrade Sarcasm To AAA

Once considered to be the lowest form of wit, sarcasm benefited from an upgrade from two of the world's leading rating agencies, last night.

Moodypants upgraded sarcasm from A+ to AA+ and Hey-Fitch from AA to AAA.

The last time sarcasm was rated so highly was during the economic crisis of the 1970s.

Sarcasm futures rose only 0.2% on the news, as the market had been expecting the upgrade for the last month.

Correction: In our article, yesterday, ' I Heard Senior Tory Say 'Swiveled-Eyed Loons', it seems that a number of errors crept in. Dental Floss was not invented by a relation of David Cameron; Jeremy Paxman's uncle did not invent Paxo Stuffing, and Cor Blimey should have read 'Chuffed To Bits'. [link]

'Mad-Swivel-Eyed-Loongate' Is Longest Gate So Far

In what is being celebrated as the longest name for a scandal ending with 'gate' so far this year, a senior member of the Conservative Party linked to the comments we heard with our own ears, was adamant he didn't say it while talking all off the cuff, like.

An angry spokesloon from the Conservative Association told our reporter:

"I would join UKIP right now if they'd have me."

Another Conservative Party activist told this newspaper:

"I tried to join UKIP but they said I was too much of a loon."

BREAKING: Person who gambled everything on this year's UK Eurovision Song Contest entry in naked drunken dancing in the street arrest.

Did You Know? If Scotland leaves the UK in the referendum in 2014 their first song as an individual country in the Eurovision Song Contest will include bag pipes.

Correction: In our article entitled: Who Is The Person Who Said "Mad, Swivel-Eyed Loons"?, it seems that we incorrectly linked Lord Fruttock-upon-Thames, David Cameron's ball boy since Oxford in 1987, who has denied all knowledge of the incident. [link]

Backbench Revolt: Pressure Grows To Pull Out Of Eurovision Song Contest Before Saturday

The government was in a state of disarray this morning while the prime minister was out of the country.

A group of Conservative backbench MPs said they intended to table a motion to bring forward a vote in the Commons tonight to remove the UK from the Eurovision Song Contest before Saturday.

There are current plans for a referendum which could see the country withdraw from the contest in 2017.

The UK hasn't won the contest in over 10 years and regularly comes in the bottom 10, a clear sign of a conspiracy against the UK.

Dicky Boner, MP from Tophatshire, said: "Enough is enough. We pay all this money for an event and we get nothing out of it, it's time to withdrawn and the rest of Europe be damned."

BREAKING: Ireland's Justin Bieber look-i-likie entry to the Eurovision Song Contest relieves himself in official Eurovision toilets.

Did You Know? A Belieber is a person who believes in Justin Bieber. Justin Bieber's initials, JB, are only one letter away from JC, Jesus Christ.

Correction: In our article entitled: When Harry Met Sally Meg Ryan's Restaurant Scene Voted Most Naughty In Movie History, it seems that we made a number of errors. Meg Ryan is not related to Ryanair. Meg Ryan starred as Goose's wife in the movie Top Gun. Nutmeg is not related to Meg Ryan as we claimed. [link]

'One More Arrest On Corrie And We'll Have To Shorten It By 15 Minutes', Says Bloke

Senior placed sources in Granada TV have told the Dully Mirror that only one more arrest of a major character from Coronation Street would mean the show has to be cut back by 15 minutes each night.

"We can only write out so many people while their case comes to court. One more arrest and we'll have to make severe cutbacks, like we did during the three day week in 1974."

Crisis meetings were held in itv last week, thought to be a sign another star is about to be arrested.

The emergency options they have considered include:

The cat on the roof in the opening credits to get it's own ten minute nightly segment

A new 16 minute advert break between two 7 minute parts

A nightly ten minute sing-song in the Rovers Return sponsored by Cillit Bang

BREAKING: Coronation Street cat held over 'lewd' acts

Did You Know? 1789: The first person to say f*** meant to say duck but accidentally said it with an f. The parents of the two year old were so horrified that they immediately called the police.

Correction: In our article entitled: Sir Richard Branson Dresses Up Like Sharon Osbourne After Losing Bet, it seems that we made a number of errors. Sir Richard Branson did not intend to look as much like Sharon Osborne as it turned out he did; Maltesers are not people who live in Malta as we claimed; rubbing a lemon in it's nose is not the recommended method of fighting off a shark attack, and there is no such place as Londonberry despite what Google claims. [link]

FERGIE TO GO

Stacy Ann Ferguson, stage name Fergie, is rumoured to be about to retire.

Her publicity people said there was a press conference called for Sunday in which a major announcement was to be made.

Social media has been abuzz for hours after a message on Fergie's Twitter feed said: "Don't miss my twitters on Sunday!"

BREAKING: Puppy eats ice cream for the first time, page 15, 16, 17 and 18

Did You Know? A Numpty was originally a term of endearment for crinkly old people who fell over while carrying a bunch of flowers in the 16th century.

Correction: In our article entitled: Helen Mirren Shouts At Drummers Dressed As Queen, it seems that we made a number of errors. It was Helen Mirren dressed as The Queen and not the drummers. We claimed that the drummers were 'banging' outside The Gielgud Theatre, we should have said drumming. We also said that Helen Mirren is to make a surprise appearance at the As One In The Park event the drummers were promoting - this may or may not be true, we just made that up. [link]

CLOWNGATE: Senior Tories Were Warned Over Picking On Clowns

Secret emails sent to senior Conservative Party members, leaked to the Circus Weekly newspaper, show of concern in Conservative high command about picking on clowns and fruitcakes weeks before the recent local elections in which they became a very public issue.

BOING!

The breakdown in discipline in the Conservative Party, which saw a torrent of insults against hardworking, tax paying, clowns, not seen since during the miners strike in 1982, led to a humiliating climb down by David Cameron, £75million, who now accepts that he underestimated how many people still adore brilliant clowns in the country.

BEHIND YOU!

Surveys carried out by Circus Weekly show that 87% of all British people who want to leave Europe like clowns and go to the circus at least once every thirty years.

PIE IN THE KISSER!

"This just shows how out of touch David Cameron is with clown loving British people who want to leave Europe and go to the circus," said Berny 'On Me Bonce' Mullivan.

BREAKING: Circus cafes report a surge in demand for fruitcake.

Did You Know? Tory clown caller Ken Clarke was named after Superman's human namesake but with the names reversed. Superman's real name is Clark Kent.

Did You Know? In the 15th Century, it was the highest possible compliment to call a chef a clown for cooking a meal you enjoyed.

Correction: In our article entitled: Clown Of The Week: Niall Ferguson - "I'm Sorry For Calling John Maynard Keynes Gay", it seems that we made a number of errors. John Maynard Keynes was not a trained clown, he was an economist of international renowned; M0 is a measure of the money supply and not a motorway near Birmingham, and Coronation Street began in 1960 and not at 19:30 as we claimed. [link]

Nigel Farage: "My 10,000 Nigel Farages Coming From Bulgaria Fear"

UKIP leader Nigel Farage says he fears a wave of Nigel Farages coming in from Bulgaria when immigration restrictions are taken down next year.

"My worst fear is that up to ten thousand Bulgarian Nigel Farages will turn up on our doorsteps next January," it is thought he said.

Only 500 Bulgarian Nigel Farage immigrants could mean the end to custard creams, a British favourite under Margaret Thatcher, a biscuitologist warned this paper.

Did You Know? If Nigel Farage becomes Prime Minister it will be the first time a prime minister has an f in his name since Arthur Balfour in 1902-5.

Did You Know? Iain Duncan Smith is 59 which means he qualifies for a free bus pass next year.

Correction: In our article, yesterday, entitled: Omar Borken - The Best Looking Man In Saudi Arabia, it seems that our 3am Girls over-phfwored on page 12. We have been advised to apologise to the Saudi Embassy and promise not to complement him on his pertness for the next 6 months. [link]

Biting Not Specifically Banned In Football Laws

A quick search of the football laws by this newspaper shows that biting is not specifically banned in the laws of the game.

This could be good news for any football player who bites another player, according to some guy on the sports desk.

Other offenses not specifically banned include:

Putting makeup on to make yourself look like the other player's girlfriend to put him off playing as long as the ref doesn't see it

Pulling another player's shorts down to his ankles, as long as the ref doesn't see it

Pulling the corner flag down to thwack a player up the bottom as long as the ref doesn't see it

Did You Know? Dominika Baranovsky, the Russian Joan Rivers, says Adele would look better if she put on a few pounds.

Correction: In our article, yesterday, entitled: The Voice vs BGT, it seems that we mistook BGT with BLT, the bacon lettuce and tomato sandwich. We would specifically like to apologise to Paul Hollywood who we accused of making the bread. [link]