FREE INSIDE: HOW TO SWEAR AT A LONDON TAXI DRIVER BUT STILL GET TO WHERE YOU ASKED TO GO
The Thun

Lord Snooty Takes A Taxi Ride Trips 1 And 2

Just days after David Mellor's infamous rant at a London cabbie, we sent our very own Lord Snooty out for various cab rides in London to see what scrapes he could get into.

Trip 1:

Lord Snooty: Take me to Buckingham Palace you pucking funt

Taxi Driver: Don't clucking talk to me like that you prucking ponce. I'll have none of it in my cab. None of it I tell you.

Lord Snooty: Don't tell me you'll have nothing of it in your guffing cab. You horseface. Do you know who I am? I own my own car and can drive it better than you. Now, drive where I've told you or I will harangue you some more.

Taxi Driver: Get out of my car.

Trip 2:

Lord Snooty: Cruck a duck! You drive like you are pissed. How dare you drive me when you are drunk.

Taxi Driver: Who are you saying is drunk? I'm not drunk it's you who is drunk [inaudible]

Lord Snooty: I'll have you know I have sat in cabs drunk with much more distinguished people than you. I sat once with a man with a degree in Piracy, I would very much doubt you have a degree in Piracy on the High Seas. So don't blucking ruck with me you old quack. He taught me a thing or two about sword fighting which I can assure you are very deadly.

Taxi Driver. And you've brought your sword have you sir?

Loord Snooty: How dare you talk back at me like that. I don't need a sword to cruck up a duck like you. I could use this suitcase, it's pretty much the same thing it's all about stance and swinging your arm right.

The ranting continues

(Video found in our new website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Correction: In yesterday's story: 'Calls For Save The Children To Amend Award Given To Tony Blair To 'Global Legacy Award (Not Iraq)' it seems that there were a number of errors: Tony Blair was once known as Bambi because he looked so sweet when he first became prime minister. The odd one out is the mushy peas, all the others originate from the South of England. Tony Blair never said "ee bye gum", that was Angelina Jolie, we are happy to set the record straight. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO SWEAR LIKE A TORY BIG WIG
The Thun

Lord Snooty Takes A Taxi Ride: Trips 3 and 4

More scrapes from Lord Snooty out to make trouble in taxi land...

Trip 3:

Lord Snooty: I'll simply not tolerate your abuse.

Taxi Driver: I said it'll be 20 nicker. 20 pounds. What did you think I said?

Lord Snooty: Don't clucking ask me what I think. I'll have you know I drove a car during the first Iraq War. Not in Iraq, in London, but I've been driving much longer than you have.

Taxi Driver: So are you going to pay me then?

Lord Snooty: Don't talk over me while I'm talking. I notice you rounded it up to 20 pound-quids - does that mean you are including your tip in there? I'll not be paying a greasy old toad like you a tip.

Taxi Driver: No, the tip would be optional...

Trip 4:

Lord Snooty: Top of the day to you, Mr Cabbie. Ha ha. Are you David Mellor's Taxi Driver from the other day my good man?

Taxi Driver: What of it?

Lord Snooty: There's no need to plucking take that funting tone with me you blunt. Keep a civil tongue in your shucking mouth. I simply asked you a simple blunting question. Are you too stupid to answer a simple ducking question?

Taxi Driver: No.

Lord Snooty: Oh. [pause] So is that No you're not David Mellor's Taxi Driver or No you're too stupid to answer the flunting question?

Taxi Driver: [Sigh] Where do you want to go to?

Lord Snooty: Don't hucking change the ka-qwunting question. I asked you a question. Do you know who I am? I own a cabinet. I've won awards from people pleased to see me leave a radio station and my hair is all my own, you sweaty bint...

The ranting continues.

(Video found in our new website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

Is It Time To Erect The First Statue Of Lewis Hamilton?

How To Tell If Your MP Is Out Of Touch

OK Chris is a Pratt, But He Isn't Stupid: Why 2014 Is Chris Pratt's Year [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5689, CHRISTMAS PUDDING AND CUSTARD
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

If anybody has ever met David Mellor could they tell me: does he smell of gin? I have a £50 bet riding on it.

Yours, Harry Batholemew

Dear Sir,

It should be a national pastime winding David Mellor up. When he bites he really bites.

Yours, Barry Gullible

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Dear Sir,

I took part in your No Diet Diet last week and so far I have gained 3 stone. What am I doing wrong?

Yours, Magnus Palava [link]

FREE INSIDE: THE ART OF SNEERING IN UNDER 140 CHARACTERS
The Thun

Ed Miliband 'Sort Of Like A Geeky Incredible Hulk When Angry', Claims Source

A source close to Labour leader Ed Miliband said he had never seen him as angry as he was this week.

Miliband, 45, was said to have ripped his shirt off and swung it around his head. His trousers looked like they were going to burst apart as he screamed in anger at the top of this voice, the source told this newspaper.

An election strategist has already suggested Miliband uses the catchphrase "Don't make me angry you wouldn't like me when I'm angry," to help him connect to voters.

The tweeting continues

(Video found in our new website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Correction: In yesterday's story: 'Ed Miliband Does A Mean RKO when Angry, Says Source' it seems that there were a number of errors: An RKO is, in fact, a professional wrestling move by Randy Orton and involves running up behind someone grabbing them around the neck and slamming their face into the ground knocking them completely out, we are happy to set the record straight. Slapping someone hard in the face is in fact a criminal offense. The third quote should have read: "Anyone who thought England would do well in the World Cup this year and put three flags up and didn't tear them down in embarrassment when we didn't get through the group stages, isn't to be messed with". [Link]

INSIDE: COULD UKIP AND SNP HOLD THE BALANCE OF POWER AFTER ELECTION? SALIVATING POLITICAL COMMENTATOR DRIBBLES OPENLY AND AT LENGTH
Daily Stir

Rochester Kitchen Sink Thwacks Cameron In Mush Like Boomerang

Prime Minister, David Cameron, 35, was smashed in the kisser with the returning kitchen sink he threw at Rochester last week.

Only weeks before, the very same kitchen sink was thrown successfully at Scotland to keep them in the United Kingdom.

A spokesman for the Conservative Party told this newspaper: "Throwing the kitchen sink is one of those great British country pursuits we believe in in the Conservative Party. It's like rolling cheeses down hills or throwing wellington boots as far as you can in muddy fields."

The plumbing continues.

(Video found in our new website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

Are Labour Close To Signing Scooby Doo For Election?

How To Look Good Naked With Fruit Placed Strategically In Pictures

Could UKIP Win The Next Election? Our Experts Eventually Say No After Waffling For Three Pages [Link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5688, A MINCE PIE THE SIZE OF A SMALL YAPPY TYPE DOG
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Nobody ever seems to hang flags straight any more. I resign.

Yours, Harry Window, President Of The Flag Hangers Guild Of Rochester

England flags - Emily Thornberry tweet

Dear Sir,

Just a note to say that I am wearing my England flag underpants if anybody from your newspaper would like to come round to take a photograph of me.

Yours In Expectation, Jim Galigapos

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Dear Sir,

I took part in your No Diet Diet last week and so far I have not lost any weight. What am I doing wrong?

Yours, Magnus Palava [Link]

FREE INSIDE: IS THERE GOING TO BE ANYTHING GOOD ON THE TELLY THIS CHRISTMAS NOW THAT MORCAMBE AND WISE DIED OVER 20 YEARS AGO?
The Thun

Witchetty Bug Quits I'm A Celebrity

Bruce McAfertay, a witchetty bug with over 500,000 followers on Twitter, has said he is to leave this years I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here early after the amount of food offered contestants fell short of expectations.

This leaves producers in a quandary as McAfertay, 8 centimetres, was one of the fattest witchity bugs in the world and had been signed up for the duration of this series.

The jungle continues

(Video found in our new website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Correction: In yesterday's story: 'Is Rochester Reckless For Electing UKIP's Reckless?' it seems that there were a number of errors: The third diagram of Charles Dickens had an error: It has been pointed out to us that Charles Dickens would have pooed and ate breakfast the exact same number of times in the town if he went to the toilet once a day and ate breakfast once a day, we are happy to set the record straight. Charles Dickens didn't write the Origin Of Species as we claimed. UKIP spelt backwards is in fact PIKU. [link]

INSIDE: NESSIE WOULD MAKE BETTER PM THAN ED MILIBAND SAYS SURVEY
Daily Stir

Did Hotel In Blackpool Anticipated Making More Money Out Of TripAdvisor Fines Than Rooms?

Had a hotel in Blackpool not been foiled in its plans, it could have been the first hotel in the country to earn more money from its guests in fines than from the amount it charged for rooms, it is slowly emerging on t'internet today.

One couple paid £36 for a room for a night and when they wrote a critical review they were charged £100. The terms and conditions of staying in the room seems to suggest that if they left a critical review they would be liable for the £100 fine.

An expert in new media explained: "It's the perfect business plan for hotels if you can get it to work. The worse the hotel is the more complaints they get on TripAdvisor so they can charge more fines. It's a vicious circle that keeps on giving to hard working hoteliers who can't be bothered to fix things when they break. I am sure there are bankers out there kicking themselves that they didn't think of it first."

The hotel continues.

(Video found in our new website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

Reckless Is Safe Pair Of Hands, Says Man

10 Things Telegraph Journalist Harry Wallop Has Walloped

Men Who Look Awful Shirtless But Don't Seem To Know It [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5687, A BACON SANDWICH WITH ED MILIBAND'S TEETH MARKS STILL IN IT
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Thank you for your excellent article "Eating Junk Food Leads To Memory Loss, Says Survey." That explains why every time I eat a Big Mac I have absolutely no idea what they taste like, although I do remember a sort of bouncy chewyness.

Yours, Harry Window

Dear Sir,

Further to your article "Eating Junk Food Leads To Memory Loss, Says Survey."I wonder if it includes Jello Pudding Pops?

Bill Cosbvy - Jello Pudding Pops

Yours, Jim Galigapos

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Dear Sir,

Thank you so much for the Entertainment Company Of America emailing me to tell me they have made me the Sexiest Man Alive again this year. I am delighted.

Yours, Magnus Palava [link]

FREE INSIDE: IS IT TIME TO START PUTTING ON THE POUNDS IN TIME TO PLAY FATHER CHRISTMAS?
The Thun

Was The Tiger 'On Loose' In Paris Just A Man In A Tigger Suit?

Police have scaled back the search for a tiger near Disneyland Paris today after it was believed the person who saw the tiger could have mistaken it for a Tigger with a new movie to sell, security staff running from the Disneyland park suggested last night.

Tiggers are similar to tigers in a number of respects, although they rarely bite and their singing voice has been criticised by many.

A spokesman for the police searching for the tiger walked past us when we asked him questions with our microphone as we stood on the street outside his office.

A new Tigger movie is probably coming out soon said an advertising expert.

The screaming continues

(Video found in our new website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Correction: In yesterday's story: 'Ed Miliband Clings On For Another Week' it seems that there were a number of errors: Labour is spelt Labor in the USA not Laboor as we claimed. 27% of people questioned in a poll thought Rowan Atkinson should play Ed Miliband in the style of Mr Bean, we are happy to set the record straight. The correct phrase should have been 'between a rock and a hard place' and not 'The Rock and a hard place' as we accidentally wrote, we are happy to pay an amount in compensation to The Rock's chosen charity. [link]

INSIDE: IS IT TOO EARLY TO BE PUTTING UP THE CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS? YES IT'S A BIT EARLY BUT NOT TOO EARLY SAYS EXPERT
Daily Stir

Kim Kardashian's Bottom Ignored In Band Aid 30 Recording

Bob Geldoff has been slammed for not asking world famous Kim Kardashian's bottom to sing on the Band Aid 30 single out Monday, we have decided.

The humanitarian rocker, 66, who once swore on BBC coverage of the original Band Aid concert, was unavailable to swear at us when we tried to contact him last night.

But friends of Geldof said Kardashian's bottom, 35, was never on the table.

The Christmas build-up continues.

(Video found in our new website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

Rochester Switches To UKIP, Predicts Man In Cardigan

Putin Leaves G20 Early Following Koala Bear Photo Op Mix Up

Dapper Laughs Christmas Card Set Someone Bought Last Year Slammed [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5686: A CAKE IN THE SHAPE OF KIM KARDASHIAN'S BOTTOM
Daily Mail

T-Shirt Special

This t-shirt stops above my bottom...

Picture of Kim Kardashian's bottom goes here...

I got this body by workout out three times a year [link]

(Video found in our new website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

FREE INSIDE: HOW TO GET YOUR OWN SHOW ON ITV2
The Thun

Banks told to pay for own dry cleaning following custard pie attack by regulators

Banks, some as old as 250 years, were hit in the face in the biggest custard pie-ing of banks in regulatory history, according to a regulator who phoned to tell us last night.

The pie attack is believed to be the first of its kind since the Great Depression in 1927.

Banks have been told they will have to pay for their own dry cleaning bills after the pie-ing, which could be as high as £2bn.

The 2007 continues.

(Video found in our new website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Correction: In yesterday's story: 'Dapper Laughs Confirmed For Next Series Of Celebrity Big Brother' it seems that there were a number of errors: A gash can also be defined as 'a wound, or cut', we are happy to set the record straight. It was Emily Maitlis who swore in the interview and not Dapper Laughs, we are happy to correct our typing. If you were to write a letter to Dapper Laughs the correct salutation would be Dear Mr Laughs followed by a comma. [link]

INSIDE: IS IT TOO EARLY TO BE PUTTING UP THE CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS? NO IT'S TOO EARLY SAYS EXPERT
Daily Stir

Poll: Ed Miliband Less Popular Than Hitler

Only 13% of the British public think Ed Miliband is ready to become prime minister, that's lower than Adolf Hitler who got 15% in the same poll in 1937 before the second world war broke out, shocking new polls printed in today's paper show.

No leader of a party who polled less than Adolf Hitler has ever become prime minster.

The election build up continues.

(Video found in our new website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

Lad Sensation 'Dapper Laughs' Explodes

Sexist Pig Dapper Laughs Makes Newsnight Host Swear

Dapper Laughs Tipped For UKIP Women's Rights Spokesman, Claims Source [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5685: A TOILET ROLL MADE OUT OF RICE PAPER
Daily Mail

T-Shirt Special

XXXXXXXL Proper Moose

I've already started drinking for Christmas

This is what a person who doesn;t know what a feminist looks like [link]

(Video found in our new website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

FREE INSIDE: HOW TO HALVE ANY BILL, THE GEORGE OSBORNE WAY
The Thun

Osborne Halves Bill Again In Angry Phone Call After Europe Phones Up To Double It Again

George Osborne says he has saved the country even more money after someone from Europe phoned up to double their bill again, according to Eurosources.

In what was described as angry exchanges with someone from Europe on the telephone last night, Osborne, the Chancellor, succeeded in halving the bill back again after the caller said he had doubled it back again.

Speaking outside following the conversation, Osborne, 443, said: "I have managed to negotiate another reduction, again, after someone in Europe phoned me up just now. The person on the phone said the bill was £1.7bn again and I said stick it where the sun don't shine and reduced it to £850mn again which is a bargain, again. So far I have saved this country £1.7bn this week with my negotiating hard work. Europe will have to learn I am a brilliant negotiator and if they double it again I will keep on halving it and saving even more money in the process. They will never win."

Claims that the call was a prank were dismissed last night by an Australian radio station.

The prank calls continue.

(Video found in our new website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Correction: In yesterday's story: 'A Guide To Not Spots, Hot Spots And Flop Spots' it seems that there were a number of errors: A spot where wifi sometimes is hot and sometimes is not is not called a flop spot as our quoted expert who we made up explained. Wifi may stand for Wireless Fidelity but certainly does not stand for Wireless F***** Incredible as we claimed. Dogs cannot pick up wifi just by using their ears, we are happy to set the record straight. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO BE AN EXPERT NEGOTIATOR LIKE GEORGE OSBORNE WITHOUT HAVING TO GO THROUGH THE HAZING IN PUBLIC SCHOOL
Daily Stir

Bacon Sandwich Alliance Calls For Ed Miliband To Go

Fearing another setback in the build up to the election, the Bacon Sandwich Alliance called for Ed Miliband to go today.

Photographs from the day Miliband, 43, tried to eat a bacon sandwich in front of the world's media, is now regarded as Black Monday for bacon sandwiches after which the number of bacon sandwiches eaten collapsed and are still to recover to levels eaten before the incident.

****

In a new poll Alan Johnson was believed to be the best eater of a bacon sandwich, with Yvette Cooper judged to be the best maker of a bacon sandwich.

The bacon sandwich continues.

(Video found in our new website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

500 Members Of Shadow Cabinet Say Ed Miliband Should Go

George Osborne To Reveal Tips On How To Halve Your Electricity Bill

George Osborne To Reveal How To Say Anything with A Straight Face [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5684: A CAKE SHAPED LIKE A PENGUIN
Daily Mail

George Osborne EU Bill 'Negotiation' T-Shirt Special

George Osborne negotiated a half price deal on this t-shirt

Keep Calm and George Osborne on

This is what George Osborne would look like if he wore this t-shirt [link]

(Video found in our new website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

FREE INSIDE: ALUMINIUM FOIL HAT TO STOP GOVERNMENTS FROM READING YOUR MIND
Daily Excrement

Are Western Governments Secretly Force-Feeding People To Make Them Obese?

Western governments are force-feeding fat people food making them even fatter. That is the shocking claim from a new report leaked on the internet last night.

"I always knew it wasn't just a matter of eating the right thing. I went to bed slim one night and in the morning I was obese. The only possible explanation is that the government force fed me while I was sleeping," said Jonas Kimberly, 23, from Burgersville, Alabama.

For many years conspiracy experts have had suspicions that the obesity epidemic was part of a government conspiracy but until now had no concrete proof.

Up to 56% of UFO encounters could be explained by the government force feeding its people, it is estimated.

People over 200 pounds have been asked to make a diary of their whereabouts so that experts looking into the phenomena can see if there is a pattern.

The eating continues.

(Video found in our new website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Correction: In yesterday's story: 'Russell Brand #Parklife videos go viral' it seems that there were a number of errors: The odd one out between James Bond, Russell Brand and Eric Pickles was Eric Pickles as he has never used the word indubitably in a sentence without laughing afterwards. Russell Brand does not eat a whole dictionary everyday for breakfast as we claimed. Russell Brand has actually been disallowed from growing a mustache during Movember because he already has one - we are happy to set the record straight. [link]

INSIDE: THE ART OF PROCRASTINATION PAGES 40-567
Daily Stir

Is Russell Brand About To Say FLOCCINAUCIN-IHILIPILIFICATION?

Russell Brand is set to say the longest non technical word in the English dictionary tomorrow night, if something someone told us can be believed.

FLOCCINAUCINIHILIPILIFICATION means having little or no value.

Russell Brand, 35, likes talking like a professor and then saying innit, mate and gercher.

Blur are set to make millions from a new craze in which one of their songs, Parklife, is put into YouTube videos of Russell Brand after he's said a long sentence that nobody understands.

The Russell Brand chitty chat continues.

(Video found in our new website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

Russell Brand Could Be Completely Unintelligible By 2021, Warn Linguistics Expert

Is It Important For People To Understand What Revolutionary Leaders Are Saying? Our Experts Set Out Their Stall

54 Chocolate Bars Are Too Many. Our Trick Or Treaters Explain Why [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5683: A CAKE SHAPED LIKE A CARROT
Daily Mail

Russell Brand Blue T-Shirts Special

I can understand every word Russell Brand is saying

Then revolution will not be unintelligible

I'm with this physics professor [link]

(Video found in our new website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

INSIDE: IS IT TIME TO TAKE OFF OUR HALLOWEEN COSTUME?
Daily Excrement

Man In Scary Halloween Costume Rescues Swimmer

A man wearing a murderous looking Halloween suit and mask set was seen rescuing a scared looking swimmer last night in scenes reminiscent of one of the Friday the 13th movies, blurry pictures seen by this office would seem to suggest.

But instead of slashing the drowning swimmer repeatedly in the water as expected, the man, also called Jason, 34, rescued the swimmer and pulled her safe but 'all screamed out' to the beach.

Bystanders then overpowered the scary looking man just to be on the safe side.

The Halloween clear up continues.

(Video found in our new website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Correction: In yesterday's story: 'Ed Miliband Team Already Drafting Apology For Wearing That Feminist T-Shirt' it seems that there were a number of errors: In the odd one out picture competition the odd one out was, of course, the feminist not wearing the feminist t-shirt. The third picture should have been a labrador wearing a 'This is what a feminist looks like' t-shirt. No feminist made the coffee during the writing of this article, we are happy to set the record straight.. [link]

INSIDE: MAN WHO FORGOT TO PUT HIS CLOCK BACK LAST WEEK FINALLY PUTS HIS CLOCK BACK
Daily Stir

Man In Full Scary Halloween Suit Makes Baby Laugh

A four month old baby laughed hysterically at a man in a Halloween costume Friday, worrying his parents so much that police officers were called to look for the 666 behind the baby's ear, it was revealed last night.

The mother of the baby told this newspaper: "I was scared to look for the 666 myself. Damian has always been a bit of a handful. This is the fourth baby sitter we are on so far, all the others have killed themselves in mysteriously theatrical ways."

The police officer attending the call said he checked for 666 behind the baby's ear but then was unable to tell us any more as his throat seemed to fill with green custard.

The Halloween scariness continues.

(Video found in our new website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

How To Make Your Own 'This Is What A Feminist Looks Like' T-shirt For Under £2

Lidl's To Sell 'This Is What A Feminist Looks Like' T-shirt For £4

Where Can I Buy A 'This Is What A Feminist Looks Like' T-shirt For The Full £45 Asking Price? [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5682: A HALLOWEEN HAT
Daily Mail

T Shirts Special

This is what a feminist

Keep Calm and pay £45 for this t-shirt

T-shirt [link]

(Video found in our new website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

INSIDE: HOW TO BAKE THE PERFECT MINCE PIE IN UNDER 5 MINUTES
Daily Excrement

What If The Jogger Who Bumped Into Cameron Had Been Wearing A Velcro Suit?

Security surrounding the prime minister is to be reviewed after a jogger bumped into him in Leeds, we have been told by a muscular looking man wearing sunglasses inside.

Fears that joggers are experimenting with a new type of velcro that can attach itself to wool suits, similar to that worn by the prime minister, could have lead to a much more seriously sticky incident with the two men being stuck together to such an extent that the prime minister would have had to take off all this clothes to get away, we have been told.

Velcro was designed to fasten to a certain surface, but technical advances now mean velcro can be made to stick to other materials as well.

The terror is almost unbelievable.

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Correction: In yesterday's story: 'As One Gets Closest Yet To Tripping The Prime Minister Over, Are Joggers The New Terrorists?' it seems that there were a number of errors: Bruce Wayne never wore leg warmers in Batman, I think we were thinking of Leroy in Kids From Fame. The third graph over-simplified the relationship between annoying cyclists and annoying joggers and we should have made it clearer that joggers were only as annoying as cyclists to motorists if the joggers ran in the middle of road and then went in and out when they were being overtaken, we are happy to set the record straight. All men who jog shirtless are posers and not 'most men' as we reported. [link]

INSIDE: IS IT NOW TOO DARK TO SALSA IN THE EVENING? OUR STRICTLY WINTER TIME SPECIAL
Daily Stir

Dougie Watson 'Suspended' From 'Essex Wild Boys' For Being Too Wild

Popular reality star Dougie Watson has been told not to turn up for filming on next week's episode of the popular ITV Be show 'Essex Wild Boys' after he partied like it was 1999 times 15, it was claimed last night.

Watson, 25, has already received 2 warnings and is now on his last chance, a bit like Jeremy Clarkson but wilder, a spokesman for the production company told this newspaper last night.

The reality continues.

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

Pet Plastic Surgeon To Offer Pet Owners Look-i-likee pets

It's Still £1.7bn Says Europe Negotiator

Should Terror Laws Include Bad Acting? Our Experts Set Out Their Stall [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5681, WASPS
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Imagine my happiness that my road has decided that pensioners can go trick or treating this year. I should be able to get enough chocolate so I don't have to buy any for Christmas. It's a win win for me because I will be out when those greedy scrounger kids turn up so its all mine.

Yours, Fred Flatstone

Dear Sir,

I have stocked up on sweets I know children today don't like. Does anybody know what the legal position is if the children get sweets they don't like and do the trick anyway because the treat is not to their liking? I don't want to have to clear up the toilet rolls over my erotic statues in my front garden again this year.

Yours, Cyril Fletcher

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Dear Sir,

So, David Cameron is refusing to wear a 'This is what a feminist looks like' t-shirt ? He should have turned up to PMQs wearing it and then be kicked out because he wasn't suitably attired. That would have shown them.

Yours, Fuchsia Busby [link]

INSIDE: WHAT IS THE BEST TIME TO DRINK HOT CHOCOLATE BEFORE GOING TO BED?
Daily Excrement

Angela Merkel's Dog Tears Apart Gift David Cameron Gave Her

A doggie chew given to the German Chancellor as a gift of friendship to her and her dog in a recent trip by the prime minister has been ripped apart by her dog, a spokesman from Europe confirmed last night, showing, once again, Europe's complete contempt for the British way of gifting.

The German dog's teeth bit down hard and chewed until the chew was unrecognisable according to images we have seen but have decided they are too shocking to re-print here.

A spokesman for the Conservative Party said: "This is an affront to British decency. A thoughtful gift was given to the German Chancellor's pet and all it did was to chew it up."

A spokesman for the European Union said: "In Europe we give doggie chews to dogs to chew on. You must have seen that one coming."

The election build-up continues.

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Correction: In yesterday's story: 'Google Executive Breaks 'Weee-eeeeee-eeeeeeee-eeeeeee-ee-eeeee-eeeeeeeee-eeeee-eeeeee-eeeee-e-ee-ee' Jumping Record' it seems that there were a number of errors: The Google Executive, Alan Eustance, who jumped from the stratosphere, did not "squeal Weee-eeeeee-eeeeeeee-eeeeeee-ee-eeeee-eeeeeeeee-eeeee-eeeeee-eeeee-e-ee-ee all the way down" as we reported. The previous holder of the Weee-eeeeee-eeeeeeee-eeeeeee-ee-eeeee-eeeeeeeee-eeeee-eeeeee-eeeee-e-ee-ee jumping record was Felix Baumgartner. A Baumgartner is not an item of German clothing worn around a man or boy's ankle as we claimed, we are happy to set the record straight.[link]

INSIDE: IS BREAD AN APHRODISIAC? NO SAY EXPERTS
Daily Stir

UKIP To Endorse Fawlty Towers Hotel Chain

A Fawlty Towers themed hotel chain, in which actors relive classic sketches from the show in the dining room every night, including the 'Don't mention the war' one, is to receive UKIPs official recommendation, we have been told.

UKIP members will get preferential room rates for their stay until after the next election and discounts on lessons on how to walk like John Cleese, how to comedically mention the war to Germans in any conversation and why a mustache sets a man apart from a women.

UKIP members, some of which remember the war, said John Cleese's 'Don't mention the war' sketch was one of the funniest sketches about the war ever written and performed in a Torquay hotel.

The UKIP funny walks continue.

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

Banker On Deal Or No Deal 'Not An Actual Banker', Court Papers Reveal

Health And Safety Expected To Ban Lycra From Pro Wrestling Circuit By 2017

Cyclist Terrorising Road In Midlands Dies Repeated Multi Collision Death [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5680, A HUMMING BIRD
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Further to your excellent diatribe about Renee Zellweger's new look last week. The only possible explanation is that she has been slapping her face with those hot towels they give you on long flights.

Yours, Shandy Grunstone

Dear Sir,

Further to your excellent article about Renee Zellweger's new look last week. The only possible explanation is that she has been sleeping in an oxygen tent and has been eating nothing but popcorn.

Yours, Terry Bobsleigh

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Dear Sir,

Renee Zellweger looks absolutely fantastic. My sources tell me her secret is eating a Terry's Chocolate Orange every day. Just tap it and unwrap it.

Yours, Jimmy Taylor, President Of Sales For A Popular Chocolate Company [link]