INSIDE: HOW TO GENERATE ALL THE ELECTRICITY YOU NEED FROM MAKING LOOM BAND BRACELETS
Daily Mirror

Was one of the 'three bare burglars who burgled beef' a bugler?

Orlando, Florida: Of the three burglars who stole beef from Mama's Burger And Toast whilst wearing just their underpants on Friday, one of them could play the bugle, said a police spokesman contacting this newspaper to give us the story.

The cheeky burglars, wearing only their underpants, made the daring raid which was caught on security cameras. But nobody has managed to identify them yet. Police studying the footage have used latest techniques to suggest that one of the burglars had lips that looked like they recently blew into a bugle.

If you know anybody who steals beef from restaurants in their underpants and is also a bugle player, please contact the editor at our newsroom before you contact police crime stoppers immediately.

The iterative tabloid mystery continues.

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Jolly New York Police Woman Dances: Video' it seems that there were a number of errors: The police woman in the video was a traffic cop and was not the 'stuffy chief of police' as we claimed. The term 'Fouetté rond de jambe en tournant' is a ballet move and not a jam donut popular with New York police as we reported. George Clooney was voted 'sexiest man who isn't a police officer alive' for the ninth year running by New York Police in 2013, and not for the eight year, we are happy to set the record straight. [link]

FAT PEOPLE HAPPIER THAN THIN PEOPLE WHEN HAVING LOOM BAND PING FIGHTS WITH THEIR FAT FRIENDS, SAYS EXPERT
Daily Stir

Most Dinosaurs Were Like 'Gigantic Tweety Pies', Say Scientists

Rather than being vicious looking terrorsome gigantic killing machines, many dinosaurs were so comic they could have got their own HBO hour long special had they lived today, that's according to latest findings.

"If you think of a Tyrannosaurus Rex with feathers and a big goofy beak it starts to look hilarious and not like anything that appeared in Jurassic Park at all," said a scientist, who continued: "When you realise that for all we know they sounded like Tweety Pie when they spoke it looks like dinosaurs were in fact hilarious looking and not dangerous looking at all."

The speculation continues.

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

Sales Of Tunnocks Tea Cakes Soar 62% Reports Waitrose (from 3 packs a week to 5)

John Barrowman's Tongue Applauded For Glasgow Commonwealth Games Opening Ceremony

ANAGRAM SHOCK EXCLUSIVE: 'Calm Hometown', 'A Comment Howl', 'Macho Melt Now', and 'Watch Noel, Mom' are all anagrams of Commonwealth [link]

HOW TO GET A SUPER TONED BEACH BODY IN TIME FOR YOUR HOLIDAY JUST BY BRUSHING YOUR TEETH
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Imagine my surprise when they cancelled a secret cinema near me on Saturday. Thankfully I hadn't been told anything about it so was not flustered at all. But had I been in on the secret my weekends plans could have been ruined.

Yours, Jimmy Holdstein

Dear Sir,

I should imagine that there will be a lot of people ordering Tunnocks Teacakes off the internet to be surprised when they arrive that they are not human size at all. Although beware: You need to dislocate your jaw to bite one fully in the middle if you are a petite little old lady like me.

Yours, Fred Bungee

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Dear Sir,

Am I the only reader to be shocked at your picture of Tom Cruise this week from yesteryear with bad teeth? Americans are always laughing at my yellow wonky teeth but really they are no better than me after all.

Tom Cruise - bad teeth

Yours, Ben Bettyfield [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO GENERATE ALL THE ELECTRICITY YOU NEED FROM PLAYING ROCK PAPER SCISSORS
Daily Mirror

"I Am Not The Fake Sheikh," Claims Shakin' Stevens

British rock and roll superstar Shakin' Stevens has been forced to make a press statement confirming he is not the 'Fake Shake' everyone is talking about after the Tulisa trial collapse.

This, after a twitter troller outted him as the 'Fake Shake' on Monday.

The real Fake Sheikh is difficult to identify because his picture is always blurred to protect his identity. But Shakin Stevens is well known for his popular chart topping hits of years gone by.

Shakin Stevens

Did You Know?: Shakin' Stevens got his name because his dance routine made him look like he was shaking.

The Fake Sheik investigation continues.

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'New Farming Minister Says Pint Of Milk Costs £17.50' it seems that there were a number of errors: She said it was 'about 70p' when in fact there is an Asda in Maidstone that has miss priced a pint of milk on offer at 32p on the morning of the interview. Cows are never yellow as we claimed, that was probably a lion we were thinking about. Pasteurisation is when they boil the milk to get rid of bacteria and is nothing to do with the green pastures on which cows graze in the adverts - we are happy to set the record straight. [link]

FAT PEOPLE HAPPIER THAN THIN PEOPLE WHEN BANGING NAILS INTO A PIECE OF WOOD, SAYS EXPERT
Daily Stir

European Leaders Agree To No New Statues Of Vladimir Putin

Europe today agreed new sanctions against Vladimir Putin, the president of Russia.

They are to include:

1) No new statues of Vladimir Putin

2) Russian hats to be removed from all European gift shops 'forthwith', not 'immediately' as earlier planned

3) A reduction of 10% on any discount given to Russia for buying weapons from a European country per year, to be phased out entirely by 2035

4) Russia to be allowed to keep the World Cup in 2018 as long as they don't shoot down over 10 more passenger airlines between now and 2017 by which time it will be too late to switch it.

Europe meetings continue.

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

Commonwealth Games Set To Open With Bag Pipes 'Symphony Orchestra'

'All Scotland's Bagpipes are in Glasgow For Commonwealth Games Opening Ceremony', Warn Terrorist Group

ANAGRAM SHOCK EXCLUSIVE: 'Gag Owls', 'Gag Slow', 'Gag Lows', 'Gags Low', 'Gags Owl' are all anagrams of Glasgow [link]

HOW TO GET A SUPER TONED BEACH BODY IN TIME FOR YOUR HOLIDAY JUST BY LICKING STAMPS
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Your story 'Beetles Kill Ex-Beatles George Harrison Tree' I couldn't agree more - this 'karma shit' gives me the willies too.

Yours, Celery Morganstern

Dear Sir,

I am absolutely livid at Tesco's, who are selling Chicago Town Mega Cheese Pizzas on offer at two for £3. Well, you know me, I only wanted one, and when I went to purchase one of them they wanted to charge me £2.19 and not £1.50 at all. The bleedin thieves.

Yours, Bugsy Friend

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Dear Sir,

Imagine my surprise when my husband told me he had made me a chocolate milkshake and left it in the kitchen. But when I went into the kitchen the milkshake wasn't there. He later confirmed it was a fake shake. Let that be a warning to others.

Yours, Gertrude Money-Haggard [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO GENERATE ALL THE ELECTRICITY YOU NEED FROM BEETLES
Daily Mirror
Newsblurg Of The Year 2064

Sugar Maker Loses Wrongful Death Case, Plaintiff awarded $23.8bn Punitive Damages

Live From the Courts, 20th July 2064: A wife who sued International Sugar following the death of her sugar addicted husband has been awarded $23.8bn in punitive damages in the latest case brought in the battle against the sugar industry.

Sheila McManus-Davey's husband ate the equivalent of a bag of sugar a day from the age of 3 and was clinically super-super-obese when he died.

"He ate sugar on the day of his death, aged 32," said his newly billionaire-on-paper wife outside the court today. "Without sugar in his diet he would still be around today."

International Sugar say they will appeal the decision.

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'President Of Russia, Vladimir Putin, Is Deeply Misunderstood, Says His Waxworks Sculptor' it seems that there were a number of errors: There are 60 Russian Rubles to the Pound and not 59 as we reported. Putin, 63, who is actually 61, is not a black belt in Ludo as we claimed. In Russia, slapping a woman on the bottom is encouraged when she has done something well, we are happy to set the record straight. [link]

FAT PEOPLE HAPPIER THAN THIN PEOPLE WHEN GARGLING, SAYS MOUTHWASH MAKER
Daily Stir

Here's How To Get An All Over The Body Tan Without Taking All Your Clothes Off

You can now get an even-all-over-the-body tan without taking all your clothes off, according to a new pill manufacturer today.

For a course of 60 tablets, retailing at only $34.99, even your bikini line will get tanned due to some sort of Mysterious Thingie™.

The new tablets, which have not been approved by scientists, come with a guaranteed money back if not entirely tanned.

We phoned the company's spokesman and he sounded drunk and kept firing a gun in the air.

The good weather continues.

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

If Scotland Decides Not To Leave Union They Should Be Slapped About A Bit By England, Says Better Together Campaigner

Bag Pipe Player Comes Out For Better Together Campaign

ANAGRAM SHOCK EXCLUSIVE: We Reshuffled Alex Salmond's Name To Find 'Llama Nod Sex' [link]

HOW TO GET A SUPER TONED BEACH BODY IN TIME FOR YOUR HOLIDAY BY PETTING RABBITS
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Please stop me if someone else has thought of this but I have a solution to all this cyclists-falling-off-their-bicycles problem, like wot we have seen during the Tour de France recently. I am not sure what they are called but you put two smaller wheels at the end of a piece of metal each side of the bigger wheel at the back and it's impossible to fall off sideways.

Yours, Mervin Cedricks

Dear Sir,

I would like to congratulate you for your inevitable headline 'One Is Most Amused At One Being One' for your Prince George first birthday special on Tuesday. You really are going to be hilarious.

Yours, Shelly Grindler

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Dear Sir,

I read in your paper that the excellent singing high schoolers in Glee will have to change their name after a trademark infringement claim was brought by the owners of Glee Club a comedy club company in the UK. Why don't they rename it 'High School Musical'?

Yours, Bunny Hopper-Chiswick [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO GENERATE YOUR OWN ELECTRICITY FROM SNORES
Daily Mirror

Can They Build A Lego Tower To The Moon?

After news broke that someone had built a Lego tower over 32 metres high in Prague, scientists began asking could they build one to the moon?

Building a Lego tower to the moon would allow Lego men to go to the moon cheaply, a spokesman for the manufacturer told this newspaper down the pub last night.

But skeptics standing by the fruit machine asked "What's the point?"

The marketing department of Lego disagreed, saying it was a great idea and they would be happy to sell the bricks to anybody who wanted to try as long as they signed a disclaimer of liability should the thing fall over and hit someone.

The building continues.

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'There's no way on earth Michael Gove is going to be demoted in Cameron's latest Cabinet reshuffle' it seems that there were a number of errors: Michael Gove was demoted in Cameron's reshuffle. The third picture was of Joe 90 and not Michael Gove as we claimed. The fourth picture was of a sloth and not the Number 10 cat as we reported. [link]

FAT PEOPLE HAPPIER THAN THIN PEOPLE WHEN TALKING ABOUT FOOD IN A CAR, SAYS SURVEY
Daily Stir

Was Cameron's Reshuffle An Attempt To Bury Bad News?

David Cameron's more-women-in-the-cabinet-although-the-number-of-men-promoted-was-the-same reshuffle was not intended to divert the news from parliament passing new secrecy laws, Number 10 confirmed last night.

The reshuffle, especially Michael Gove's demolition, was also not to divert news organisations away from news that despite spending a kerjillian dollars on buying the f-35 fighter jet from America it wasn't safe enough to fly one over from America, Number 10 were keen to confirm.

The reshuffle was also not to divert news going on and on about Home Secretary Theresa May's decision to appoint a retired judge who nobody did basic background checks on to see if she wasn't related to someone she might have to investigate, which the media would certainly have been droning on about still had the reshuffle not been as dramatic as it was - William Hague retiring, gasp - Number 10 confirmed.

Meanwhile, Michael Gove shrugged off this £30,000 pay cut with a cursory look over his glasses.

Government meetings continue.

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

Lassie Comes Out Barking For Scotland's Better Together Campaign

ANAGRAM SHOCK EXCLUSIVE: We Reshuffled David Cameron's Name To Find 'Romanced Diva'

ANAGRAM SHOCK EXCLUSIVE AGAIN: We Reshuffled David Cameron's Name Again To Find 'A Candid Mover' [link]

HOW TO GET A SUPER TONED BEACH BODY IN TIME FOR YOUR HOLIDAY BY LIFTING CAKE UP AND DOWN A BIT
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I have just discovered a brilliant new type of shoe I had never seen before. They are called Flip-Flops and every step you take they make a delicious flip flopping sound as they slap against your naked foot. They are simply brilliant.

Yours, Mervin Cedricks

Dear Sir,

I do hope the government bought that f-35 fighter jet from Amazon. They are really good at getting refunds if the thing doesn't arrive on time.

Yours, General Ben Dover

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Dear Sir,

Now there are more women in the cabinet I do hope the BBC will be concentrating more on what they are wearing. It's not being sexist, it's just men always wear stupid boring suits with stupid boring ties. At last we get some variety of fashions and shoes and loom bands.

Yours, Burgar Smith [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO GENERATE YOUR OWN ELECTRICITY FROM COUGHING AND SNEEZING
Daily Mirror

Obese Patients To Be Treated With 'Special Food'

Overweight and obese patients are to be given special food in an attempt to stop them being fat, health insiders told us last night.

Special food such as carrots, potatoes and lentils could be used to feed overweight people instead of popular foods such as cup cakes, cakes with icing, and pasty pie butties washed down with a big bottle of cola.

The obesity epidemic could lead to parts of the country sinking under the weight of fat people, research shows.

A government spokesman said: "News of this special food is an exciting development."

The eating continues.

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Woman with NHS Boobs To Go On Celebrity Big Brother' it seems that there were a number of errors: The caption under the Barbara Windsor Carry on Camping picture should have read "Ooooh No Missus". "Bra pinging" is not a 'popular sport in Ukraine' as we claimed. Uranus is a planet and is not a rude statement, we are happy to set the record straight. [link]

FAT PEOPLE HAPPIER THAN THIN PEOPLE WHEN EATING ICING ON WEDDING CAKES, SAYS SURVEY
Daily Stir

App That Calculates Naked Selfie From Fully Clothed One Slammed

An app that attempts to calculate what a person would look like in a naked selfie using only a fully clothed selfie of them has been slammed by fully clothed experts today.

Speaking at the launch, the inventor of the app says it uses a database of all the nude selfies it has found on the internet and then it makes a best guess based on body type and then takes the face of the fully clothed selfie and puts it on the naked picture.

We tried the app using pictures of World Cup commentators on the BBC and ITV. It was horribly realistic.

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

John F Kennedy Wouldn't Want Scotland to Leave Union, Says Better Together Psychic

Argentina vs Germany: Who Will You Be Supporting Least?

Aussie Housing Commentator To Keep Job after 'Poof' Goof on Roof [link]

HOW TO GET A SUPER TONED BEACH BODY IN TIME FOR YOUR HOLIDAY BY EATING CRISPY BACON FLAVOUR CRISPS
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Imagine my horror to receive a hammer in the post after I ordered a fly-swatter from a popular online retailer. Not wishing to make a fuss I gave it a go but as you can expect it only lead to a number of smashed windows, vases and a toaster. I contacted the company and they were very helpful and explained they had sent the wrong item. But they explained they had no liability for my broken windows, vases and toaster. Does anybody know how I stand legally?

Yours, Babyface Malone

Dear Sir,

Further to your article "Vince Cable: UK to remove takeover 'wiggle room'". This is an unacceptable interference in the popular British pass time of wiggling.

Yours, Brendon Mercy, President of the Royal Society Of Wiggling

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Dear Sir,

Please join me in my campaign to get the term "tittle-tattle" used again in news broadcasts. Once terms like that are lost our language is much the poorer for it.

Yours, Mercedes Benzt [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO GENERATE YOUR OWN ELECTRICITY FROM YOUR PETS
Daily Mirror

Brazilian President Says, 'At Least It Wasn't 8-1'

Brasilia, Brazil: Brazil's president, Dilma Rousseff, held a press conference minutes after Brazil's loss to Germany in the World Cup semi final last night.

Quoting from Positive Thinking by Bernard Hoppledorker, a free Kindle book, she said it could have been worse.

"It could have been 8-1, or 9-1. Just imagine had it been 10-1 I don't think I would be able to stand here talking to you at all had it been that last one," she said.

"But we can hold our heads up high that it wasn't 11-1, that we lost to Germany to."

The World Cup continues, we suppose.

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Why Brazil Is Certain To Beat Germany In The World Cup Semi Final Tonight' it seems that there were a number of errors: Brazil did not win 4-0 as we predicted. Oscar Bratwurst is not Germany's leading goal scorer as we claimed, he is a sausage. Brazil lost 7-1 to Germany. [link]

FAT PEOPLE HAPPIER THAN THIN PEOPLE WHEN PLANNING DRINKING BINGE TRIPS WITH FOOD, SAYS SURVEY
Daily Stir

Airports To Offer Spectacular Controlled Explosions Of All Electronic Devices That Don't Work

Gatwick, Heathrow and Stansted airports have said they will take away electronics from passengers that don't work and explode them in a big drum.

Even electronics that haven't been charged will be exploded, leading to bright orangey balls of flame for about 5 seconds before the charred remains are put in a dustbin.

-+-

In an earlier incident at Stansted, an airplane heading for New York had to be exploded in the big drum after one of the displays in the back of a seat stopped working while the airplane was taxiing. Nobody was injured.

-+-

Airlines have now revealed the procedure security staff have to follow in the event that a passenger's electronic device cannot be started: 1) Throw security blanket over the passenger and the device. 2) Bundle passenger and device onto one of those airport trolley thingies and take them to a secure area. 3) Tell them they cannot fly because they are a terrorist.

The terror continues.

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

Harry Potter wants Scotland To Stay In UK, Says JK Rowling In New Short Story

James Bond Would Beat The Saint In A Fight, Says Roger Moore As He Challenges Himself To A Scrap

Alan Partridge To Be Knighted [link]

HOW TO GET A SUPER TONED BEACH BODY IN TIME FOR YOUR HOLIDAY BY EATING ROAST CHICKEN FLAVOUR CRISPS
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Is it possible please to publish more pictures of any of those Brazil fans with the highly painted faces with tears streaming down their faces? It may sound heartless, intruding on their grief and all, but it looks so lovely, especially if you can get the light to gleam in the falling tear on the colourful painty faces.

Yours, Horace Mustophar

Dear Sir,

Thank heavens the BBC were covering the Brazil vs Germany game. Because there were so many goals sh-itv couldn't possibly have fitted them all in during the half time sum up and also squeeze Adrian Chiles in too.

Yours, Bernard Stopper

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Dear Sir,

Well done to Scotland for a brilliant modern design for their Commonwealth Games opening ceremony uniform.

Scotland Uniform

If there is a power outage then they will be the only people we will be able to see... who'll be laughing then?

Yours, John Johnlee [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO LAUGH AT PEOPLE AT LENGTH WITHOUT GUILT
Daily Mirror

Yeehargh Games Update

Red Neck County, USA: You join me here for the final day of the 2014 Yeehargh Games.

The winner of the Pig Spitting competition (contestants try to spit on the back of a pig as many times in two minutes) was won by Frank McCauley.

The how many tractor tyres can you get round your body competition was won by Naomi Smith with a new World Record of 23 tyres.

And the whole of a pig eating competition, which runs over the two days, is currently a neck and neck heat between last year's champion, James Trucfactor and Joey Essex... but with the tricky trotters and snout still to go it's anybody's contest.

The games continues.

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Woman Goes On Pet Food Diet' it seems that there were a number of errors: Jane Brontahuges' nose has not gone 'visibly wet' as we reported. Ms Brontahuges' hair had gone 10 sheen more shiny and not 7 as we claimed. The third picture was of canary seed and not Swiss Muesli as we claimed. [link]

FAT PEOPLE HAPPIER THAN THIN PEOPLE WHEN PLANNING FOOD SHOPPING TRIPS, SAYS REPORT
Daily Stir

Joey Chestnut Wins Hotdog Eating Competition, Jimmy Hotdog Wins Chestnut Eating Competition

The world of competitive eating was in rapture this morning as two of its own battled to regain their eating crowns.

Chestnut, 30, ate 61 hotdogs, and Hotdog, 68, ate 345 chestnuts in ten minutes, both taking the 2014 title as eating champions in their divisions.

Other results just in:

Sharon Mincemeat won the Mince Pie eating championship with 12 pies in 2 minutes.

Bart Cognac won the Cognac drinking championship with two bottles in 3 minutes.

The vomiting continues.

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

Wimbledon Ball Kids Finally Sign On Dole After Djokovic and Federer Thriller

Home Office Insider Blames Document Loss On Mysterious Cat

Home Office Loses Wine List From 1985 [link]

HOW TO GET A SUPER TONED BEACH BODY IN TIME FOR YOUR HOLIDAY BY EATING JUST WHAT POSH SPICE EATS
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Hooray. Rule Britannia. Well done to Andy Murray for winning Wimbledon this year. I do hope it is the start of a long period at the top.

Yours, Jenny Murray

Dear Sir,

Well done to Luis Suarez for not biting anybody for the last week. It's a small first step but I know you'll get there in the end, my friend.

Yours, Fanny Ginger

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Dear Sir,

Am I the only person to have a problem drinking when those two Wimbledon smashers Novak Djokovic and Roger Federer are playing tennis? I always seem to dribble something down my front.

Yours, Shirlee Brownlee [link]

INSIDE: SHREK SAYS NO TO SCOTTISH INDEPENDENCE
Daily Mirror

Man Dies Of Laughter While Tweeting #AskThicke

George Costalopolus, 67, of Luton, is believed to have died of a heart attack while composing tweets for the #AskThicke strand on Twitter yesterday.

Robin Thicke's #AskThicke received a stream of abuse from Twitter followers and is believed to be the funniest use of the medium since #susanalbum which many read to mean "sus anal bum" and not "susan album" as was intended by Susan Boyle's management.

It is the first tweet related death ever reported.

His final tweet before dying was:

Can I dance with you in the style of Miley Cyrus? I have the floppy hand thingie and the bra and panties #AskThicke

Twitter continues.

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Was Robin Thicke Forced To Take Part In #AskThicke?' it seems that there were a number of errors: Thicke is pronounced Thick, and not Thyque as we claimed. Wanting it even though you don't look like you want it is, in fact, perfectly acceptable as a strategy in poker. [link]

FAT PEOPLE HAPPIER THAN THIN PEOPLE WHEN INSULTING ROBIN THICKE ON TWITTER, SAYS REPORT
Daily Stir

Twiglets Get Twitter Account

Twiglets, the marmitey crunchy snacks that are sometimes so hard they can break your jaw, allegedly, have signed up to twitter, their marketing department emailed us to say.

Tweets such as:

Yum. I taste all marmitey this morning. What gives? #TwigletsTasteGreat

and

Has anybody ever eaten Twiglets with a cup of tea? Yummy

were the first two expected tweets.

The marketing continues.

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

Dolly Parton was not miming at Glastonbury even though it looked like she was when she was singing but it didn't look like she was when she was talking. Discuss without getting trolled on Twitter.

Answers to our 1986 joke writing competition are finally in: "Rolf Harris, Jimmy Saville and Stuart Hall walk into a bar..."

ITV apologise for character in Benidorm singing Two Little Boys [link]

HOW TO GET A SUPER TONED BEACH BODY IN TIME FOR YOUR HOLIDAY BY EATING ROADKILL
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Am I the only person to be disappointed by the Monty Python reunion last night? I simply fail to see, after all these years, how anybody is not expecting the Spanish Inquisition.

Yours, Harry Herbert

Dear Sir,

Well done to Robin Thicke for turning up for the #AskThicke Twitter event. I do hope a number of tweeters will be visited by the police for their more offensive messages, and I hope, when they do that, that Sting will be able to punch a few of them in the mush as an act of musician solidarity.

Yours, Jimmy Grill

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Dear Sir,

Here comes Summer. Enjoy Thursday and Friday everybody, Autumn starts Saturday.

Yours, Cup Halffull [link]

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