INSIDE: THE DAD'S ARMY FILM - HOW BAD WILL IT ACTUALLY BE, MR MAINWARING?
Dully Mirror

EXCLUSIVE: Ed Miliband To Change Name To Max Miliband

Ed Miliband, the leader of the Labour Party, is to drastically rebrand his image after spin doctors told him Ed was too lefty, we have discovered.

An expert told this newspaper: "When you are called Ed the tabloids will inevitable go for the Red Ed angle. But they can't do that if your name is Max."

Advertising executives said they applauded the move, saying they expect slogans such as "Labour go to the Max".

Max also polled well in the over 70s demographic who like Nigel Farage because he says things that their children tell them they can't because it isn't politically correct.

Nobody was expelled from UKIP.

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Correction: In yesterday's story: 'Is This Where Kim Jong-Un Has Been Hiding For The Last Three Months?' it seems that there a number of errors: The third picture was of a duck pond in South Mimms, we are happy to set the record straight. Naples does not rhyme with nipples as we claimed. Kim Jong-Un cannot do an 'impressive impersonation of Top Gear's 'Mr Slowly' James May' as we reported [link]

IS HUMMUS A BRILLIANT FACE CREAM? PROBABLY NOT SAY EXPERTS
Daily Stir

EXCLUSIVE POLL: Only 0.5% Know Cheryl's Name Is Now Cheryl Ann Fernandez-Versini

Marketing executives behind Cheryl Ann Fernandez-Versini's recent name change from Cheryl Cole were asking what went wrong last night as only 0.5% of people questioned knew her new name and how to spell it in a poll carried out at the weekend.

89% still referred to the singer as Cheryl Cole.

6% As Cheryl Tweedy

4.2% as Cheryl Baker

The X Factor continues.

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

Topless Nigel Farage look-i-likie slammed after appearance on TOWIE

ITV Be To Launch ITV Be x2 Service So You Can Watch Everything At Twice Normal Speed

American Country Star Too Rich To Sing Like Poor Man Any More [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5679, WALRUS
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

When I was growing up there used to be a comedian who then went on Eastenders called Mike Reid who died and there was also a seemingly very sensible chap called Mike Read on Radio One. Imagine my horror if it had been the dead one who had just brought out a UKIP Calypso this week? I don't remember a Halloween build up ever being this scary, do you?

Yours, Ben Bandy

Dear Sir,

Hello deir. I is so upzet at ze zong UKIP Calypso. It shood be banned innit.

Yours, Sir Michael Frobishier, Duke Of Aplomb

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Dear Sir,

Does anybody know if the term ' Nutty as a fruitcake' is politically correct? Clearly fruitcakes don't have nuts in them or they would be called fruit and nut cakes. You English have a very very strange sense of humour... I don't think you listen to people who tell you that enough.

Yours, Jimmy Um-Bongo [link]

INSIDE: LEFT OR RIGHT? WHICH IS BEST? OUR EXPERTS HAVE THEIR SAY
Dully Mirror

Twitter Troll Applauded For Positive Comments On Judy Murray's 'Strictly' Dance

@HoneyBunny254, the well known troller widely criticised for a number of high profile arrestable Twitter attacks this year, has been warmly applauded by critics after positive comments directed towards the hapless dancer Judy Murray on Strictly Come Dancing, Saturday.

Positive comments, known as anti-trolls by some kids under 45, included: "Nice pirouette, you are doing well Mu", "At this rate you're going to make the finals!!!", "Game, pirouette and match, bub!" and "What the deuce, she can dance!"

Unfortunately after those four positive tweets he then said something arrestable.

The Twitter tourettes continues.

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Correction: In yesterday's story: 'Top Gear's Jeremy Clarkson Gets First Speeding Points In 30 Years, He Claims' it seems that there a number of errors: It was Mel Gibson who called the Police Officer who arrested him, "Sugar Tits", we are happy to set the record straight. The correct height order should have been Jeremy Clarkson, James May, a chest of drawers, Richard Hammond and an aardvark. The third picture was not an Argentinian protester twerking in front of the car Jeremy Clarkson left as he fled to Chile as we reported. [link]

IS IT TIME TO BAN SUNGLASSES WHEN EATING INSIDE? YES SAYS EXPERT
Daily Stir

Twitter Troller Hired By Management Training Agency

Jason Bradstone, 35, one of the most arrested Twitter trollers in history, is to be allowed out of jail early after being given a job in the prestigious management training agency, Finkel, Winkle and Fiddle, someone emailed us to say.

His job will be to say arrestable things to managers who will have to control their anger and their response will be graded.

Being able to deal with Twitter troll levels of abuse is a widely sought skill in board room conflicts today, an insider claimed.

The trolling continues.

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

Should Jeremy Clarkson Be Sacked For Getting Three Points On His License? Yes, Say Experts

Is Jeremy Paxman Already Thinking Up Devilish Questions For The General Election When He Is Set To Host Channel 4's Election Coverage?

Is It Too Early To Start Eating Minced Pies For Christmas? Yes, A Bit, Say Experts [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5678, WHOLE GIRAFFE NECK
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I have always been a fan of Sir Richard Branson and try to smile like him for at least 5 hours a day. Unfortunately a man, who bases his scowl on Sir Alan Sugar, has just joined my office bringing down my joy quotient. Should I increase my smiling hourage to 5 and a half hours to compensate?

Yours, Jimmy Kimmelelel

Dear Sir,

Do ducks quack while they fly really really really high up in the air, or do they get sore throats like I do when I fly on an airplane? I bet David Attenborough will omit to tell us this in his new series starting Thursday. It's another BBC cover-up.

Yours, Marcel Fisherman

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Dear Sir,

Thank you so much for all of your suggestions about which cheese I should serve to my woman friend so that I can break up with her with minimal talking. Philadelphia seemed to do the trick quite nicely. Thank you all so much for your suggestions.

Yours, Gentleman Hubert Dufrey [link]

INSIDE: UP OR DOWN? WHICH IS BEST? OUR EXPERTS HAVE THEIR SAY
Dully Mirror

Stage Pet Psychic Wins Critics Over

Chester, England: Sally Oldwoman, 67, had journalists standing on their feed ovating last night after she delivered messages from family pets from across the great divide, we can now report after her husband untied us and let us out of his van.

From messages from pet rabbits gone from this plain of existence over 5 years ago, to dogs recently departed, the stream of messages made people cry, sob and cry again as messages that they were doing well made their owners and a select group of cynical hard nosed skeptical journalists cry too.

"I've been watching this sort of thing for years and before tonight I thought it was all a sham. But today I just don't know any more," said Marg Maoir from the Daily Moan, author of the classical skeptical piece "Stage Psychics Are All Lying Tossers".

"I stand corrected, the readings from the netherworld were impressive. She knew things that only those pets would have known, it was uncanny" said once arch skeptic George Forrester, author of the book "Stage Psychics They Can Kiss My A***."

The build up to halloween continues.

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Correction: In yesterday's story: 'Judy Finnigan Upsets 100,000 on Twitter On First Loose Women Appearance' it seems that there a number of errors: Madge is not Richard Madeley's nickname as we claimed. A loose woman is also defined as an adulteress, a hussy, slut, strumpet, trollop as well as the other definitions we gave, we are happy to set the record straight. Claims we made that Judy Finnigan was channeling Jeremy Clarkson in her comments on her first appearance on Loose Women were made without foundation and just to fill up the page. [link]

WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF YOU TURNED BACK YOUR CLOCK TWO HOURS WHEN EVERYONE ELSE TURN THEIR CLOCKS BACK AN HOUR?
Daily Stir

theVoiceofReason.co.uk Offers Election Debate To The Jim's Of All Major Party's

Essex, London: theVoiceofReason.co.uk has announced it is to host an election debate between just the Jim's of the six major parties.

Speaking at a drinks party, the editor of theVoiceofReason.co.uk said: "It is time to hear what the Jim's of the major parties think and we will finally give them their opportunity."

Jims from any rank in the party will be allowed to represent their party as long as they can string a sentence together. Women named Jim are also welcome.

The Green Party immediately complained about the ruling as they don't have anyone called Jim in their party.

The pre election debate debate continues.

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

Is It Too Late To Become A Candidate In the Rochester By-Election? No, Say Experts

Where To Get Your Nigel Farage Haircut For Under £3

Which Of The Following Are Popular Boris Phrases Or Words And Which Ones Did We Make Up? Jimmy-jams, Ostraciseation, Heffalump, Airportitis? Have your say [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5677, WHOLE TAIL OF HIPOPOTUMUS
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

It is such a shame that National Stir Fry Day is on a Thursday this year. I was hoping it would fall again on a Friday like it did last year.

Yours, Brenda Howel

Dear Sir,

Tell me, and I'm sorry if you've already covered this elsewhere in your newspaper, but if they do eventually lose Kim Jong-Un in North Korea will the next one be called Kim Jong-Deux? Does anybody know?

Yours, Jenny Friendly

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Dear Sir,

Does anybody know what is the best cheese to serve if you are trying to dump a girlfriend?

Yours, Gentleman Hubert Dufrey [link]

INSIDE: IS IT TIME TO GET A NEW HAIRSTYLE? OUR EXPERTS SET OUT YOUR OPTIONS
Dully Mirror

First Poltergeist To Buy New Stuff From Shop Before Throwing It Found

Chester, England: Poltergeists are famous for throwing objects in homes across the world all-of-a-sudden. But this week the world's first poltergeist who buys throwables from a store, brings them back to the house and throws them has been found, we have discovered.

The shocking discovery happened this week in a house in Chester when victims of a Poltergeisting discovered the things being thrown in the middle of the night were not from their own house.

The owner of the house, James Mardell, told this newspaper: "Bright red and pink cushions were being thrown in the living room late at night scaring the cats. But when we looked at the cushions we had never seen them before and we just wouldn't have bought them. The only explanation is that the poltergeist bought them himself and brought them back and threw them. It's quite scary but we had to laugh about it because they weren't our cushions after all."

Professor Dr James Mardell of The University Of The Paranormal explains: "If nobody in the house bought the cushions and they were thrown during the night, a poltergeist buying its own cushions and bringing them back is the only explanation."

The scariness continues.

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Correction: In yesterday's story: 'Twin Peaks To Return For Third Series' it seems that there was an error: The second series was so awful that nobody has ever seen the end of it and not 'just a few people' as we claimed. [permanent link]

SHOULD YOU TURN YOUR CLOCKS BACK AN HOUR, TWO WEEKS EARLY?
Daily Stir

MP Who Refuses To Do Up His Fly To Step Down At Election

Westminster, London: Westminster politics stooped to a new low today as an MP, who refuses to do up his fly, says he is to step down at the next election.

Malcolm Shoebury, 61, has refused to do up his zip since being elected in 2010, saying he enjoys the feeling of air going into his fly.

Although nobody working with him has ever complained, the MP has caused widespread tittering when walking up to lecterns for local speeches and in schools where he often greeted students and their parents with this fly open.

The UKIP surge continues.

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

Is it time for men to stop doing up their fly? Our experts set out their stall

If UKIP get in will the Empire come back? Yes, says expert

Are the next next three funniest phrases in the Boris vocabulary: sock-it-to-me, kinky boots and over-zippy? Have your say [permanent link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5676, WHOLE LEG OF HIPOPOTUMUS
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Am I the only one to think it would be hilarious if the seat UKIP won in the Clacton by election was actually just a deck chair? Ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaa.

Yours, Hugh Pummel

Dear Sir,

Aaah. The smell of candy floss and it's raining on Clacton Pier. That's my idea of a perfect summer holiday.

Yours, Ben Bungee

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Dear Sir,

All this coverage of Clacton and nobody seems to know how many tickets they need for a ride on the dodgems on Clacton Pier. If this is reporting I don't want to be in Europe any more either.

Yours, Sheila Guffy [permanent link]

INSIDE: HOW GAY IS YOUR PHOTO GALLERY ON YOUR PHONE? OUR MOROCCAN POLICE SPECIALISTS GIVE US THEIR VIEWS
The Boobs

Is This Jumping, Human Head Size Spider, The Scariest Thing In The World?

Chester: A human-head spider, a relation to a mouse spider but the size of a human head, has been reported in Chester after it jumped on a man's head while he slept, we have been told in a frantic phone call this morning.

Head sized spider

Human-head spiders are the size of a human head and can fold their bodies up so they can hide in the smallest of bedrooms only to unfold themselves when the lights go out. They then climb up onto the ceiling and position themselves over a human head and then they jump onto it in the night.

One man who was attacked by a human-head spider says it was actually 'a not unpleasant furry warm light thump'. He said: "It wasn't until I put the light on and saw what had just bounced off my head that I jumped about a bit." The human head spider then disappeared and hasn't been seen since.

But spider experts say that human-head spiders don't mean any harm with their antics and may just want a cuddle. "They are attracted by the relative warmth of a head sticking out of a duvet in bedrooms" claimed one fan. "If you want to stop a human head spider jumping on your head during the night the only solution is to make sure your head isn't sticking out from your duvet at night."

Human-head spiders are very light and generally just bounce off unless their little claws can grab on to hair or a nose in which case they can cling on for a bit, say experts. They don't like noise so hysterical screaming generally scares them away.

Has a human-head sized spider jumped on your head? How did you handle the situation? Have your say.

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Moroccan Police Claim iPhone 6 is Gay' it seems that there were a number of errors: Pictures of cats licking are never gay even in Morocco, we are happy to correct our misreporting. IPhone 4 can be upgraded to IOS 8 even in Morocco although it might take up to 5 weeks to do so as police have to check if there are any gay pictures on your phone before you are allowed to download the upgrade. Videos of Freddy Mercury should not be put on your iPhone if traveling to Morocco, the Foreign Office have said.[link]

YOU TOO CAN DANCE LIKE A PROFESSIONAL DANCER AFTER DRINKING ONLY TWO BOTTLES OF WINE ALL AT ONCE. OUR DRUNK DANCE PROFESSIONALS SHOW YOU HOW
Daily Stir

Should Wonga Change It's Name? Have Your Say

Fears for the future of the wildly profitable British money lending service, Wonga, has been plunged into doubt today after comments from the regulator that they are to be forced to change their name, we have heard from a bloke down the pub.

What name should Wonga change it's name to? Have your say:

Jenny, Manchester: Plonga

Fred Basingstoke: Mongo Money

Shelly, Haringey: Poonanny Payday

Gary, Charlotsville: Money Fizz

Harry, London: Barclays Bank

The lending continues.

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

Does Your Phone Pass the Moroccan Police Gay Test? Ten Things To Look For

Will I get arrested if I order sorbet in Morocco? Our travel experts set out their advice

Are the next next three funniest words in the Boris vocabulary: Flibbertigibbet, dillydally and chicken-licken? Have your say [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5675, WHOLE LOBSTER
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Does anybody know if British Bake Off's excellent Mary Berry is related to the delicious Berry Fruits they sell in the supermarkets? They are both delicious with ice cream.

Yours, Duck Guilderstein

Dear Sir,

How disappointing that Greg Wallace has been evicted from the Strictly house. It's another blow to bald dancers across the country.

Yours, Jim Fontleroy

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Dear Sir,

I think I have gone down with flu, but I have read online that the symptoms of Ebola are similar to flu in the early stages. When I phone up work ill would it be better to tell them I have flu or Ebola? I want to make absolutely sure to get the next five days off but I don't want the police to come round. What do you think?

Yours, Charles Bonny [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO SAY GOODBYE WITH PIZZAZZ
The Thun

Human Rights Act Should Not Apply To People Over 6ft 5in, Says Tory

Birminam', England: The Conservative Party has said it will repeal the Human Rights Act if it comes to power next year, because it was 'causing a lot more paperwork than it is worth'.

Claiming that the Human Rights Act was forcing parliament to give some prisoners cake, and made the busy Home Secretary have to listen to waffly judges, they also went a step further and included people over 6ft 5inches tall for the first time.

Claiming that people over 6ft 5inches are 'big enough to look after themselves', the Conservative party said over £5billion could be saved every year if height proofing of legislation which stopped really tall people bumping their heads on things could be avoided.

It is estimated that hardly any people over 6ft 5in ever vote because they cannot fit into the polling booths.

The electioneering continues

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Corrections: In yesterday's story: ''We Are All Effing Tories Now', Jokes Cameron At Conservative Party Conference' it seems that there were a number of errors: Boo's did not intersperse the standing ovation at the end of Cameron's speech as we reported. David Cameron did not say 'We Are All Effing Tories Now' as we claimed. We are not allowed to report what Effing actually means because this is a family newspaper. [linkie]

HOW TO DANCE WITH JOY WHILE HOLDING A GLASS FULL OF CHAMPAGNE BY THE CAST OF MADE IN CHELSEA
Daily Stir

Offensive Top Gear Car Left In Argentina

Argentina: The BBC revealed they were forced to leave the car with the car registration number FU82 FKL as the Top Gear team were forced to skeedaddle like Scooby Doo and Shaggy to the Benny Hill music, from a rioting group of rioters last night.

The famously fiery tempered Argentinians threw rocks and stones at Jeremy Clarkson after someone noticed his car registration number seemed to mock and humiliate them.

But questions were raised as to how a British number plated car got to Argentina as there is no direct route to drive it there.

An expert said: 'The car must have been flown specially in to Argentina because if you tried to drive to Argentina from Britain you would have to drive underwater all James Bond in The Spy Who Loved Me like.

Jeremy Clarkson continues.

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

People With 'Yes Scotland' Referendum Tattoos Urged To Come Forward For Channel 4 Documentary

'I Have Eaten Chicken Nuggets', Says Prime Minister

Are the next three funniest words in the Boris vocabulary: Shilly, Shally and Whojamaflip? Have your say [linkie]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5674, A WHOLE ROAST CHICKEN
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Jeremy Clarkson's life just seems to be one exciting scrape after the other. It must be so exciting to be him. Does anybody know where he buys his trousers from?

Yours, Bob Bernard

Dear Sir,

I had a car with a registration number that included FKL once. I was always getting into fights with Argentinians about it.

Yours, Gary Jackson

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Dear Sir,

I have just started a UKIP diet. I am only eating from fast food outlets in Clacton. So far I have lost over £67. Is this a record?

Yours, Charles Bonny [linkie]

INSIDE: WHITE RACIST TO SUE SUNBED MANUFACTURER AFTER HE GETS UNEXPECTEDLY DEEP TAN
The Thun

Intruder Jumps Over White House Fence And Redecorates A Room Before Being Arrested

Washington, USA: Earlier reports that a man jumped over the White House fence and was quickly arrested have been revised again, today, as further details emerge.

It now appears that a 35 year old ex-Marine managed to jump over the fence, run into the White House and redecorate a room in the style of his own choosing. Experts close to the situation explain that he made a number of trips over the fence to get paint, chip boarding and furnishings including a new sofa, each time evading perimeter security.

The head of White House fences apologised for the lapse of security and said new procedures have been put in place to stop this happening again.

White House perimeter security had last been upgraded in 2011, replacing the 10 year old kid with a pop gun with a grown adult. But it wasn't until 2013 that the adult had a proper gun, it has finally been revealed in a statement to Congress.

Did You Know: The last country to set fire to the White House was Great Britain in 1982.

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'If Boris Johnson Becomes Prime Minister I Am Going To Leave The Country Again, Says Piers Morgan' it seems that there were a number of errors: Piers Morgan has already left the country after promising to leave if Scotland voted No in the recent referendum. Piers Morgan has become the Daily Mail Online's US Editor in Chief, a number of readers noticed that we incorrectly typed Chef. Piers Morgan has a BMI of just under 28 which means he is nearly obese but not obese yet, we are happy to set the record straight. [link]

HOW TO EXPLAIN YOUR FEELINGS TO THE TAX MAN USING EXPRESSIVE DANCE
Daily Stir

Microsoft Scraps Windows 9, Launches Windows 10 Instead

Microsoft, USA: Microsoft has scrapped Windows 9.

Insiders working on Windows 9 were given the news two weeks ago.

Features in the Windows 9 operating system that will never be released include:

* Using the camera to track eye movements to see if you want to get the charms bar up or not.

* Musical tring sound when the charms bar comes up.

* A talking paper clip with messages direct from the CIA when they are watching activity on your computer.

* A sparkly Start button which randomly goes to the furthest corner of the screen to where your mouse currently is

The company continues.

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

Boris Johnson Criticised For Repeating Entire Frankie Howerd Monologue At Conservative Party Conference

David Cameron's Face Grows 5 Centimetres Wider During Conference, Scientists Prove

Are the three funniest words in the Boris vocabulary: Wiffle, Waffle and Willy-Nilly? Have your say [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5673, A WHOLE PINEAPPLE
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

That Tory who sent a picture of his hoohah on WhatsApp is missing the whole point of the internet. Who in their right mind these days would send a picture of their own hoohah? I have about 50 pictures of hoohahs and I send them randomly depending on how attractive I find the person I am sending it to. Word to the wise ;)

Yours, Jenny Windsor

Dear Sir,

I do hope they do a Christmas special of Gogglebox where our favourite telly watchers watch Gogglebox on the telly.

Yours, Sheila Bunctious

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Dear Sir,

I know it's too late this year, but is it too much to ask that at least one UKIP/Conservative defector is on Strictly Come Dancing next year?

Yours, Nigel Farage [link]

INSIDE: WALKERS 10 TIMES MORE LIKELY TO INJURE THEMSELVES WHILE WALKING THAN THOSE WHO DON'T, SAYS SURVEY
The Thun

Two Out Of Control White Guys Shock Tories

England: David Cameron was clinging on to the stair banister to stop himself falling all the way down the stairs this morning as the prospects of a whole stream of resignations seemed likely when two occurred in a matter of a few hours, cluster experts explained last night.

The double whammy was dealt to the Conservative leadership when, soon after one Tory quit, another one did too, shocking Tories across the country already reeling from earlier resignations.

If the number of resignations continues at this rate there won't be any Tory Party members left in parliament in 152 days.

The government continues.

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'World Waiting For First All Female Top Gun Topless Volleyball Scene' it seems that there were a number of errors: In France bombs are called bombs and not bauwmbs as our expert, Inspector Clouseau, claimed. Topless female volleyball is not an Olympic sport as we reported. Topless volleyball is defined as volleyball played without anything on the top half of the body but does not include a hat, we are happy to set the record straight. [link]

HOW TO COUGH YOUR WAY
TO PERFECT ABS
Daily Stir

SWOONEY CLOONEY NO LONGER ALONEY

Venice, Europe: Hollywood superstar heart throb George Clooney risked having to get out of the sea in a wet shirt all Mr Darcy like if he fell in, as he was whisked through the Venice waters in a speed boat on his way to getting married, yesterday.

Married in Italy's waterily romantic Venice, the Hollywood superstar hung up his bachelor shoes once and for all and got married.

Clooney, married for the first time, then ate lunch before retiring to bed.

Meanwhile in London: A George Clooney smoking jacket and matching pipe is sold for £5000, a record.

The marriage continues.

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

On The Positive Side: 56 Year Old Tory Knows How To Use A Camera Phone - Have Your Say

Ed Miliband Forgets Deficit Once Again While Out Shopping With Wife, Says Bloke On Fish Counter

Man Bends iPhone 6 Plus Into Snoopy Shape [link]

WHAT IS THE BEST WAY FOR BALD GUYS TO SHAMPOO THEIR HEAD? TOP TEN TIPS
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Imagine my horror to see the link on your website 'Second Tory Defecates To UKIP'. Surely you meant defects? The errors on your website continue to grow by the day. It's a disgrace!

Yours, Bobby Whotsits

Dear Sir,

Imagine my horror to see the explicit image sent by that Tory unpixellated but next to a picture of Pixie Lott on your increasingly error ridden website. Was there some sort of editorial breakdown? Did you tell your staff to pixellate the image a lot and they misunderstood you? Because I got an eyeful and so did my dog.

Yours, Benny Fridge

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Dear Sir,

With prospects of a warm October I am wondering if the term Indian Summer is racist? I can just imagine a nice dinner party ending in a haranguing match after I say such a thing if it is in any way offensive as I live in Essex and everybody acts like they are on Jeremy Kyle these days.

Yours, Brendan Halogen [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO BUILD AN ENGLISH PARLIAMENT FOR UNDER £450 MILLION
The Thun

Queen Did Not 'Purr Like An Actual Cat', Admits Cameron

New York: David Cameron, speaking to the mayor of New York, today, was overheard claiming the Queen 'purred like a cat' when she was told that Scotland had voted to stay in the Union, it is being reported in the media.

But when pressed in questioning later it transpired that the Queen did not actually purr like an actual cat, and just sounded happy.

Cameron, 6ft 1in, made the name droppy comments at a drinks party at which only Americans were impressed with his story.

Our Royal expert said he was surprised by the comments. "The Queen is more of a dogs person. Had Cameron said she yapped like a corgi it would have sounded more believable. Although I wouldn't have believed that either."

The government continues.

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Andrew Marr's Gordon Brown Impression Makes Ed Miliband Titter' it seems that there were a number of errors: Marr, 53, did not say to Miliband 'Titter ye not' as we claimed. David Miliband was not 3 inches taller than his younger brother Ed Miliband as we reported. The advert to the left of the story claimed that Lidl champagne was £16.99, but it should have read £15.99, we are happy to set the record straight. [link]

IS YOUR PARTNER TRYING TO KILL YOU? TEN TELL TALE SIGNS
Daily Stir

Has David Beckham's New iPhone 6 Plus Bended?

Somewhere, America: Media across the world were scrambling last night to find out if David Beckham has bought an iPhone 6 Plus and then put it in his pocket and it bended, it was revealed last night.

Late night chat show hosts in America were said to be on standby for the news with a bundle of jokes at the ex England captain's expense.

There was a movie called Bend It Like Beckham once, a tribute to the star footballer who could make footballs go into the goal as if they were rolling along an invisible banana in the air.

"David Beckham's new iPhone 6 Plus would bend if he put it in his pocket and he wears skinny type or tight type jeans", an expert confirmed last night.

The sales fever pitch continues.

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

David Cameron: 'I barked like a moose when I heard Scotland had voted No"

What animal impressions did you make when Scotland voted No? Have Your Say

Can You Bend Your iPhone 6 Plus into a Right Angle? Our Experts Give It A Try [link]

HOW TO PURR LIKE A CAT
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Tescos seems to have lost £250million. That's almost £3.50 for every person in the country. £3.50 is the price of a pack of 6 finest sausages. How on earth can you possibly lose 65 million packs of sausages? It's just crazy.

Yours, Jimmy Rat

Dear Sir,

David Cameron ought to be ashamed of himself when he said the Queen 'purred like a cat' when she was told that Scotland had voted no. I often make animal noises when telesales people ring me. Maybe The Queen does the same thing?

Yours, Johnny Fridge

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Dear Sir,

Did I get your story right that Ed Sheenan went into a toilet in Copenhagen and wrote 'Little Things' for One Direction? It's the funniest thing I have ever heard. Give yourselves a comedy award at once!

Yours, Harry Shock [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO MAKE A SCOTCH EGG USING JUST INGREDIENTS FROM ENGLAND
The Thun

Westminster Leaders Confirm Scotland Will Get 'Devo Mad Max' As Promised

Referendum - Glasgow, Still In Scotland: Scotland will get the Devo Mad Max they were promised at the last minute before the referendum by the Westminister Three, it was confirmed on the telly this morning.

Scotland's new Devo Mad Max should not be confused with the movie Mad Max because it starred Mel Gibson, who also starred in the movie Braveheart, according to an expert.

Mad Max included a series of exciting explosions and cinematically attractive incidents, according to one movie goer.

Meanwhile in London: Ed Miliband struggles to eat a bacon sandwich without spitting.

The argie bargie begins.

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'List Of Things Scotland Will Get After Referendum' it seems that there were a number of errors: The first three things should be deleted. The next four things are not possible within the next 15 years. The final 5 things are completely impossible and it is amazing nobody noticed at the time. We are happy to set the record straight. [link]

SCOTLAND INDEPENDENCE: WHAT DOES THE RESULT MEAN TO THESE TOPLESS HOTTIES?
Daily Stir

SCOTLAND GETS MOTHER OF ALL HANGOVERS

Scotland, Still Near England: Scotland awoke this morning not knowing what the hell it had done last week, as it was revealed that over 2 million people voted to keep them ensconced in the cosy onesie that is the United Kingdom.

The continuation of the kangaroo shaped onesie of warmness that is the UK was widely applauded by some rioting in the streets of Glasgow, the only major city to say "Yes" to independence, along with Andy Murray.

UK - Kangaroo

The shafting of Scotland begins.

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

English Devolution Tipped To Be 2015 Edinburgh Fringe Best Joke Of The Year, Says Dave

Calls For Glasgow To Get Independence After Vote

Questions Nobody Asked Last Week: What Does Gordon Brown Look Like In A Kilt Anyway? [link]

SCOTLAND POLL SHOCK LATEST: ENGLAND WINS
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I live in the south of England. I owe a person in Glasgow £10. Since England won the referendum, does this now mean I don't have to pay him back?

Yours, Hamish McEnglish

Dear Sir,

In an alternative universe Scotland has just voted for independence and have been told by the European Union they can be fast tracked to join the European union in three months. Just thought you would like to know that.

Yours, Harry Darling

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Dear Sir,

Here's my last call to any American who would like to take my 'How To Speak Geordie English' course. Ooorry oop mun, toime's a chuggin!

Yours, Jimmy Nailer [link]