INSIDE: HOW TO GENERATE ALL THE ELECTRICITY YOU NEED BY 'DANCE FARTING'
Daily Mirror

Emergency Reality Star Alert System Finds Star Alive

London/Essexy way: A popular member of the TOWIE reality television show was the first to trigger the new Reality Star Alert System nationwide last night.

News broadcasts on various media gave the alert that the reality star had last been seen alive at 3am Friday morning.

Arg

Known as Arg to his fans, James Argent, 29, had apparently gone to the wrong airport and then did something else and then something else after that and hadn't told his mother about it.

A spokesman for the Reality Star Alert System declared victory for saving the star's life: "As you can imagine we are cock-a-hoop that the system has saved its first life and we expect it to save many more in the future."

Nobody in the Celebrity Big Brother house has gone missing, again.

The reality continues.

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'David Cameron Tempted To Put His Holiday Shorts On Again' it seems that there were a number of errors: David Cameron uses sun factor 15 and not 75 as we claimed. The Foreign Office predict all out war in Ukraine any time after Cameron, 46, gets his shorts dry cleaned next Wednesday. We have been asked to point out that there is nothing funny about David Cameron's shorts - we are happy to set the record straight or we won't be getting that interview with him they promised us later in the year. [link]

SIMON COWELL EXPLAINS WHY X FACTOR SHOULD GO ON FOR ANOTHER 5000 YEARS
Daily Stir

Obama's Tan Suit To Get Own TV Series

Comedy Centrale, the French cable channel, has signed President Obama's tan suit for a new show, it has been revealed.

Obama tan suit

But there was media news confusion last night when a White House spokesman denied the reports, and said the suit was still in the US President's closet.

There was widespread shock when Obama, 53, wore the tan suit, above, with a number of prominent commentators claiming his dress sense had been adversely affected by the amount of golf he has been playing recently. One tweeted: "You play golf more than four times in a week and the weird clothing gets progressively worse. The Western World should be thankful he isn't at the pink jumper with yellow trousers and green shoes stage. I give it 5 months."

The golfing continues.

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

Calls For More Topless Women To Do Ice Bucket Challenge

Is This The First Squirrel And Dog Team To Do The Ice Bucket Challenge?

Simon Cowell: 'Why I Screamed At Cheryl's Hairdresser' [link]

HOW TO GET A SUPER TONED BEACH BODY IN TIME FOR YOUR HOLIDAY BY SNUGGLING
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Imagine my surprise when I discovered that the picture I thought was for a recipe for Prunes In Semolina turned out to be a shot of a number of columnists from the Daily Moan on the beach. You lot really are all getting past it.

Yours, Fred Crinkley-Bottom

Dear Sir,

I read with interest your story "Growing number of British celebrities using warm water in ice bucket challenge and only pretend it is cold." I just can't see the cast of TOWIE or Made In Chelsea being able to act that well. Another desperate story from the Daily Moan I think.

Yours, Harry Firefly

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Dear Sir,

Imagine my disappointment that I am not a contestant in the next season of Strictly Come Dancing. I have been advised that I am still under retained contract with ITV for their Good Morning Britain breakfast show in case the ratings fall again and they wouldn't release me for the show. Yeeeaaahhh.

Roland Rat

Yours, Sir Roland Rat [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO GENERATE ALL THE ELECTRICITY YOU NEED BY TAKING THE ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE
Daily Mirror

Manchester United Lose Ice Bucket Challenge

Manchester, South Of Scotland: Just when it looked like Manchester United's season couldn't start any worse, it got worse last night.

Only hours after losing 4-0 to MK Dons, United, £750mn, attempted to do an ice bucket challenge but could not find the bucket.

A spokesman for the team, John Grayson, explained that they eventually found the bucket but then found the water in the bucket had been stolen.

Then soon after they found the water from a tap, the ice had melted.

Speaking at a press conference, the new team manager Louis van Gaal, said he is taking some positives from the events. "It was surprising to a number of people that the ice had melted in the weather we've been having. You just couldn't plan for that one."

The losing continues.

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Teen Gets Ice Bucket Stuck On Head As Ice Bucket Challenge Goes Wrong' it seems that there were a number of errors: The two year old said f**** h****-***, and not "Oooh no, Daddy, that was cold" as we claimed. More than three ice cubes are required to be added to the bucket of water to make it qualify as an ice bucket, we are happy to point that out to a number of people doing the ice bucket challenge all wrong. The chemical components of water is H2O and not H2O2H2O22HO2 as we claimed. [link]

CAN YOU LOSE WEIGHT ON OUR PROVEN EFFECTIVE INDECISION DIET - CAN'T DECIDE TO EAT SOMETHING? DON'T EAT IT AT ALL! DETAILS INSIDE
Daily Stir

Jeremy Clarkson Calls Own Children, M** ***kers

Jeremy Clarkson is at the centre of another saying naughty words controversy today when he told his own children that they were "m**r ********-****ers" in a YouTube video posted online.

The video, which may have been banned by British police under terriblism laws for all they tell us, sees the presenter, 6ft 14in, laying apparently asleep until he is challenged by a person with a camera who mentions the ice bucket challenge. A person from behind the presenter, 76, then pours a small container of liquid over the presenter that didn't appear to contain ice.

The presenter then launches into a foul mouthed volley of abuse including expletives banned before the watershed.

A spokesman from the BBC said: " We are looking into this latest breach of our code. Looking at the sunshine it would seem that he said these words before the watershed, which is 9pm. However the wording of our code is very wooly and as there was a bucket of water involved and he swore after the water was thrown there is a case to argue that he actually swore after the water and so he is safe again even though he said it before 9pm."

A lawyer working at the BBC confirmed this to be the case: "The swearing clearly occurred after the water was thrown so he is perfectly alright this time again. Phew."

The Clarkson continues.

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

Scotland At Risk Of Drowning If It Votes Yes, Says Expert

Scotland Could Run Out Of Mars Bars In Under 7 Years If They Vote For Independence, Fear Business Leaders

Scotland Could Be Forced To Do Ice Bucket Challenge If It Votes Yes, Says Professor [link]

HOW TO GET A SUPER TONED BEACH BODY IN TIME FOR YOUR HOLIDAY BY SNORING
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I think it was wise of Kate Bush to wait until both George H Bush and George W Bush had finished their terms as US president before returning to the stage. Any danger of being thought to be related to them would have made me take to the hills too.

Yours, Jimmy Clinton

Dear Sir,

Has anybody else noticed if you put too much tomato in a BLT sandwich it is almost impossible to pick up to eat it in once piece if the bread is too thin? You would need bread about an inch thick to stop it happening with particularly lumpy tomatoes. Does anybody else know of a better way?

Yours, Maurice Lively

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Dear Sir,

Kudos to that little girl who swore when she took part in the ice bucket challenge. Anybody who wets my bow tie by throwing a bucket of water over me will be hearing something similar but in a slightly more manly voice.

Yours, Sir Jules Murgatroid [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO GENERATE ALL THE ELECTRICITY YOU NEED BY SHOUTING
Daily Mirror

How To Attract The Man Of Your Dreams: Wear Red And Be Hot, Says Expert

London, South Of Scotland: Hot women who wear red are more likely to attract the attention of would be suitors, beating hot women who wear any other colour by up to 5 times, that's according to a new study undertaken by mature student dropouts from London University, it has been reported on the slowest news day in history.

"Red is believed to make men turn into bulls, some being drawn to the hot woman wearing red like a bull to a bull fighter but without the pointy horns, but with the tongue-hangy-out-drooling" reckoned one of the ex-students.

The drinking continues.

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'August Bank Holiday Monday Weather Set To Be Rainiest In History' it seems that there were a number of errors: England could not collectively take part in the ice bucket challenge on Monday just by standing outside because it isn't snowing, as we claimed. Snorkeling isn't an 'effective solution to Bank Holiday plans' as we claimed because the rain would go down the pipe, we are happy to set the record straight. The correct dress strategy for the beach is both an umbrella and wellington boots and not just wellington boots as we typed. [link]

CAN YOU LOSE WEIGHT ON OUR 100% JUNK DIET? OUR EXPERTS SAY YES
Daily Stir

Kindle Readers At Risk Of Finger Amputations, Claims Traditional Book Seller

Jacob Jongleurs, owner of The Book Shop in east London, has claimed that people who read books on a Kindle will have to have their page swiping finger amputated in 10 years if they don't ditch their electronic devices and read real paper books instead.

Readers who use electronic devices usually have a single finger they use to swipe the pages and it is this finger that could need to be amputated, an expert and long term drinking buddy of Mr Jongleurs confirmed.

"Paper based books are inherently safer to read and the worst injury you can sustain is paper cuts and wrist ache which have never needed a finger amputation," said Jongleurs, 76.

The finger swiping continues.

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

Alex Salmond Criticised For Lack Of Ice In His Ice Bucket Challenge Video

Riot Police In Ferguson Say Water Canon 'Just Like Ice Bucket Challenge'

Ice Bucket Challenge Gives Celebrity 'Bit Of A Chill' [link]

HOW TO GET A SUPER TONED BEACH BODY IN TIME FOR YOUR HOLIDAY BY PRAYING
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Imagine my shock to see that spin doctor extraordinare Malcolm Tucker was a timelord after all.

Yours, James Jelly

Dear Sir,

Imagine how proud I was to recognise one of this years celebrities in Celebrity Big Brother. How on earth did they manage to get Mickey Rooney, I thought he was dead?

Yours, Harry Gilded

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Dear Sir,

So, Julian Assange is about to leave the Ecuadorian embassy is he? He seemed certain he was about to leave last week, where did he get that information from?

Yours, Jim Harry-Styles [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO GENERATE ALL THE ELECTRICITY YOU NEED BY SHOUTING
Daily Mirror

Greggs: 'Our Customers Are Not Scum'

Google, Wrong Logo, Intrawebs: Greggs has reacted swiftly to the wrong logo appearing allofasudden on it's Googley page, reports their PR experts last night.

Greggs - Blooper

A spokesman for the bakery chain told this newspaper: "Our customers are not scum, let me make that perfectly clear. They are discerning individuals who enjoy some of the best priced delicacies such as pasties with pre-digested filling (and the occasional bonus whole pea), innovative cake-hybrids you can't get anywhere else and stuff in bread."

"Take our brilliant almost liquid on the inside pasty for instance. A few years back we couldn't stop politicians buying one to eat in front of the cameras."

The mushing up of the tomorrow's pasty filling continues.

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'David Cameron Returns Off 15th Holiday Of His Premiership Early As 15th Crisis Erupts' it seems that there were a number of errors: David Cameron is the unluckiest holiday prime minister in history, we are happy to set the record straight. David Cameron's nickname is not Saucerface as we claimed. Eating a whole roast chicken without using your hands is not an initiation ceremony for the Bullingdon Club as we claimed. [link]

FAT PEOPLE HAPPIER THAN THIN PEOPLE WHEN DRAWING GLASSES AND MUSTACHES ON PHOTOS IN THE PAPER, SAYS SURVEY
Daily Stir

"It's Far Too Ruddy Cold For The Ice Bucket Challenge In This Country" Claims British Reality Stars

British reality stars criticised the Ice Bucket Challenge this morning, claiming they couldn't do it in England because it is too cold.

Stars, some as young as 19, said they would be happy to throw a bucket of cold icy water over their lithe topless bodies if it was warmer but they would catch a cold if they did so today.

"It's great for Americans or people in hot countries. Unfortunately in England even though it's August it's turned chilly, autumnal even," said the posh one with the long hair.

The deaths from the Ice Bucket Challenge have now stabilised at 5, a scandal.

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

Man Electrocuted When Ice Bucket Challenge Goes Wrong

Man Sets Himself On Fire As Ice Bucket Challenge Goes Wrong

Man Drowns After Ice Bucket Challenge Goes Out Of Control [link]

HOW TO GET A SUPER TONED BEACH BODY IN TIME FOR YOUR HOLIDAY BY CHITTY CHAT
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

So, Ian Botham's penis went viral on Twitter this week. I know nothing about social media diseases but I do hope there is an ointment for that.

Yours, Jimmy Buffin

Dear Sir,

Thank you for your excellent story 'Could The Cravat Make A Come Back?' I do hope so. If it's ever going to happen, the hopes of the Western World rest on the cast of Made In Chelsea. Tally ho. Anyone for tennis?

Yours, Harry Gilded

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Dear Sir,

Thank you for my prize for winning your excellent 'How should Julian Assange leave the Ecuadorian Embassy?' competition. I was surprised nobody else had suggested he dress up in a black turtle neck and absail down the outside of the building into a waiting car, like me.

Yours, Percy Cruncher [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO GENERATE ALL THE ELECTRICITY YOU NEED BY STROKING CATS
Daily Mirror

Student Proves Why Chicken Crossed The Road

Oxford, Londinium: A student has finally proved why the chicken crossed the road.

And 'to get to the other side' is only part of the story, the student says:

"There are various factors such as which side of the road has a Kentucky Fried Chicken shop on it, neighbourhood obesity rates, if the local MP knows the price of eggs, and if there is an existential or implied threat on one side or the other of the road (R) to the power of what is on the road, it's really quite complicated," said the brainbox, summarising his formula stretching 1776 pages.

The discovery has lead to merriment in student circles with some students drinking so hard they have forgotten their own names.

The mathematics continues.

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Australian Premier Says Scotland Leaving UK Does Not Deserve A Special Barby' it seems that there were a number of errors: Sausages and beef burgers are in fact the most popular barbeque thingie in Australia and not shrimps which fall through the grill too easily, we are happy to set the record straight. Parsnips are, in fact, never put on the barby in Australia because they look like marsupial penises. The odd one out was the goat and not Alex Salmond as we reported. [link]

FAT PEOPLE HAPPIER THAN THIN PEOPLE WHEN DOING IMPERSONATIONS OF HITLER, SAYS SURVEY
Daily Stir

Joan Rivers Face Explodes Again

Surgeons operating on Joan Rivers face say they have been unable to stop the comedian's face exploding for a second time. This only days after it exploded while the comedian, 103, was at some Hollywood party or other, below and here.

Joan Rivers

A spokesman for the star told us 'Ms Rivers has suffered some secondary shocks but doctors are confident they will be able to bring it under control with wet towels repeatedly being slapped hard over her mouth and face whenever it looks like she is about to say something.'

The slapping continues.

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

Owner Of Australian Themed Pub In Glasgow Says He Supports 'No Mate' Campaign

Grandson Of Inventor of Hokie Kokie Says He Would Vote In - Out in Scotland Referendum

Cliff Richard Impersonator Kills Himself [link]

HOW TO GET A SUPER TONED BEACH BODY IN TIME FOR YOUR HOLIDAY BY LAUGHING
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Does anybody know what will happen if, heaven forbid, Michael Parkinson gets Parkinson's Disease? He will be such a tragic showoff.

Yours, Benny Fredship

Dear Sir,

Thank you for your excellent story 'Robbie Williams: I Am Still Alive!' I completely agree: Take That's next album should be in the shops by Christmas to maximise sales.

Yours, Harry Cowell

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Dear Sir,

Further to your story: The Blame Of Wayne Falls Mainly On The Plain. I couldn't agree more: Sky Sports subscriptions could treble in price and still be a bargain

Yours, Rupert Murdoch [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO GENERATE ALL THE ELECTRICITY YOU NEED BY CRYING
Daily Mirror

Scotland: Yes Campaign Flip-Flops On Trident

Scottish Independence Vote: The Yes campaign came unstuck once again last night after a senior representative said he didn't want to see the end to Trident after all. This despite it clearly being listed as an aim following independence.

Speaking about the popular brand of chewing gum, the politician said Trident will stay in the event of a yes vote and will not be sent down to England 'forth with'.

Trident chewing gum

"This just shows the yes campaign are in complete disarray, once again," said an expert.

The chewing continues.

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'There Is No Way These Tits Are Real' it seems that there were a number of errors: An ornithologist is also known as a birdwatcher. Great Tits, Bull Tits and Blue Tits are all birds and not famous Burlesque stripper troupes of the 1890s as we reported. The odd one out was the 'tit caught in the ringer', we are happy to set the record straight. [link]

FAT PEOPLE HAPPIER THAN THIN PEOPLE WHEN CRYING HYSTERICALLY, SAYS SURVEY
Daily Stir

Joan Rivers Face Explodes

Fears for Joan Rivers face seemed well founded last night when the stuffing underneath seemed to pop out all of a sudden.

Joan Rivers

While the outspoken comedian attended some sort of party or other, her face was thought to have snapped, showering those nearby with foam and stuffing. Nobody was injured.

A spokesman for the star told us 'Ms Rivers is going to her car'.

The surgery continues.

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

How To Ice Your Cake Just Like Joan Rivers Face

How To Dance Like A Twitter Troll

Man Who Ate Cheese Sandwich In Chelsea Was Not Street Performer, Just Hungry, He Says, Thanking Passers By For The Tips [link]

HOW TO GET A SUPER TONED BEACH BODY IN TIME FOR YOUR HOLIDAY BY DRINKING WINE
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Imagine my surprise to discover that they do bacon flavour lip gloss these days. Now I can enjoy the taste of breakfast throughout the day. Yummy.

Yours, Stephen Miliboned

Dear Sir,

Please, don't mention Robbie Williams. It's just all too sad.

Yours, Jim Bungler

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Dear Robin,

Yours, The World [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO GENERATE ALL THE ELECTRICITY YOU NEED BY WATCHING YOUR SOAPS AND EATING CHOCOLATES
The Thun (the Times)

Scientists Create First Ever Invisible Dog

Scientists, some as young as 34, revealed they have finally managed to create a fully invisible dog after 10 years of trying, it has been reported.

"This is the first time a whole dog is completely invisible. It looks great when you call to it to fetch a stick you have thrown and he brings it back all floating in the air and stuff."

An expert, who was part of the project Invisible Fido told this newspaper: "I can't wait to see the reaction of my Dad sitting in his armchair when he gets an invisible nose rammed in his groin without any warning. It's a sure fire Youtube sensation in the making."

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Chris Pratt Works Hard To Keep His Impressive Guardians Of The Galaxy Physique' it seems that there were a number of errors: The article should have been marked as a sponsored article for the Guardians Of The Galaxy movie and not 'a couple of random muscly photos of him coming out of the gym' as we claimed. Vin Diesel also says 'We Are Groot' and 'not just' 'I Am Groot' in Guardians of the Galaxy, we are happy to set the record straight. Chris Pratt, 35, only takes his shirt off once in the movie and not 'a lot of the time' as we reported. [link]

FAT PEOPLE HAPPIER THAN THIN PEOPLE WHEN TAKING NAPS ON PUBLIC TRANSPORT, ACCORDING TO SURVEY
treehuggian (the Guardian)

UKIP Member Tells Candidates To Copy Hitler Impersonator's Style

A member of UKIP, Michael Mastarbatoir, has told supporters to 'copy popular Hitler impersonators' at events, it has been revealed.

Popular impersonators, such as Freddie Starr, were praised by the UKIP member in Surrey, for effectively delivering his message while wearing a funny mustache and walking goose-steppy without falling over.

Speaking off the record Mastarbatoir, 68, also claimed that if you can find a women who can goose step in high heels she's 'a keeper', it was reported.

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

Politicians In the Kitchen Special: Alex Salmond Cooks Salmon

Famous People Who Played Trees in the Movies: Number 45, Vin Diesel as Groot

Our Readers Suggest Plan B's For Alex Salmond's Hairstyle [link]

HOW TO GET A SUPER TONED BEACH BODY IN TIME FOR YOUR HOLIDAY BY EATING SALAD
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Does anybody know what Joan Rivers is up to these days? She was big in the 1970s but I haven't heard a word about her in years. Is she still alive?

Yours, Jerry Mossfield

Dear Sir,

I couldn't agree more with that UKIP guy who reckoned all personal trainers should be renamed Fitler. I had my free session with one when I cut out a coupon in your paper and I found them completely unreasonable in their demands. I know how Chamberlain must have felt now.

Yours, Mike Goberry

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Dear Sir,

Has anybody else noticed the similarity between the surname of the judge on British Bake Off, Paul Hollywood, and the name of the Scottish Parliament 'Hollyrood House'? I wonder if they are related?

Yours, Harry Belashortfly [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO GENERATE ALL THE ELECTRICITY YOU NEED BY FRACKING IN YOUR BACKYARD
The Thun (the Times)

Alex Salmond To Set Out Plan B

Scotland Independence Debate: Alex Salmond is to set out his currency Plan B following what was seen as a debate slip-up this week with super cross looking Alistair Darling.

One insider told this newspaper: "A currency exchange based on Mars Bars is being developed but I can say no more."

But the rush is on to get other Plan B's ready for the next debate:

The other options are thought to include:

1) Scotland to be the first country in the world to adopt BitCoin as its official currency

2) Something to do with that pop group called Plan B.

The next debate nears.

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Alex Salmond Eats Deep Fried Mars Bar Even Though He's Full' it seems that there were a number of errors: Alex Salmond was in the chippy at the time of the incident, and not outside as we claimed - we are happy to make that clear. Deep fried Mars bars have over 1900 calories if eaten with chips. Mars is also a planet and rhymes with cars, jars and spars even in Scotland. [link]

FAT PEOPLE HAPPIER THAN THIN PEOPLE WHEN FALLING ON SANDCASTLES, SAYS SURVEY
treehuggian (the Guardian)

Kent Council Dismisses Israeli Tunnel Demolition Contractor

A senior member of Kent Council has said he has cancelled a contract with an Israeli tunnel demolition company just days before blowing up of a tunnel was due to start.

The tunnel is believed to be within 5 miles of a school and hospital.

A spokesman for the Israeli contractor said he was going to blow everything up anyway as the contract had already been signed.

The stand-off begins.

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

Alex Salmond Concedes Plan B Comes After Plan A

Alex Salmond Accepts Plan C Would Come After Plan B, In Debate

I Couldn't Sleep After Watching Alistair Darling Look Stern Like That, Says Jan Moir [link]

HOW TO GET A SUPER TONED BEACH BODY IN TIME FOR YOUR HOLIDAY WITH A VIGOROUS SHOWERING ROUTINE
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I have never heard a Scottish person say Yes to anything. They always say Aye for the affirmative. Is this going to be a problem when they have to vote yes or no in the referendum next month? or hasn't anybody thought of that yet?

Yours, Benny Jet

Dear Sir,

Oh twiddly dee!!! All this controversy over what currency Scotland is going to have if they vote for independence!!! Has anybody through of asking Braveheart himself Mel Gibson what he thinks?

Yours, Gary Thingstuff

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Dear Sir,

Am I the only person to spot the uncanny similarity between delicious Charlies Angels supremo Bosley with a slightly fatter Alex Salmond? What do your readers think?

Bosley or Salmond?

Yours, Sheila Burton-Stroud [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO GENERATE ALL THE ELECTRICITY YOU NEED BY TELLING YOUR DOG HE IS GOING FOR WALKIES
Daily Mirror

As Commonwealth Games Ends, The Everyone Else Games Begin

People with no innate talent and can't be bothered to train are to have their own games starting this week, experts told this newspaper last night.

Using all the stuff still in place after the Glasgow Commonwealth Games ends, members of the Commonwealth will be able to participate in a number of sports, such as jumping into water, competitive selfie taking, and punching each other in the face.

Sports such as gently poking a person with a stick to stop them falling asleep, whatever they call that thing when someone downs a pint of beer in one go and then puts their forehead on a baseball bat standing up and then runs round in circles three times and then tries to walk in a straight line afterwards, and singing Mull Of Kintyre with none of the real words, can be enjoyed by everyone who didn't make it to the Commonwealth Games, an organiser told this newspaper.

Coverage of the best of The Everyone Else Games will be on youTube, it is claimed.

The sport continues.

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Man Pushes Sprout Up Snowdon Using Just His Nose' it seems that there were a number of errors: Snowdon is a mountain and not a famous photographer as we claimed. Nobody has ever pushed a small yappy type dog up Snowdon using their nose as we claimed. Under European rules it seems to be OK to call all sprouts from anywhere Brussels Sprouts and they don't have to come just from Brussels, go figure. [link]

FAT PEOPLE HAPPIER THAN THIN PEOPLE WHEN DRESSING UP AS HARRY POTTER, SAYS SURVEY
Daily Stir

Midlands Woman Disappointed With 50 Shades Of Grey Trailer

The long awaited trailer for the long awaited movie of the 50 Shades Of Grey book has disappointed a woman in the Midlands, it can be confirmed.

Claiming the trailer, which lasts over 2 minutes, had none of the good stuff in the book in it, she said she won't now be bothering with the movie.

While many criticise movie makers for putting too much in trailers these days, the Midlands woman said there wasn't enough information in the trailer to allow her to decide how little to wear when she goes to see the movie.

Just like many people who like to dress up in costumes for special sing-a-long showings of Sound of Music, it is expected that movie goers will be encouraged to dress up like certain moments in the film when they go to see it so that the movie gets some free publicity when people are banned from the cinema for dressing inappropriately.

The certificate of the film is expected to be 28, a first.

The naughtiness continues.

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

How To Peel Sprouts With Your Toes

How To Get All Your Clothes Taken Off By A Complete Stranger In Magaluf

Slowest Man In The World Says Usain Bolt Is 'Too Fast' [link]

HOW TO GET A SUPER TONED BEACH BODY IN TIME FOR YOUR HOLIDAY JUST BY FLIPPING PANCAKES
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

May I please be added to your list of people who didn't say the Glasgow Commonwealth Games were 'a bit shit' last week.

Yours, Harry Crevices

Dear Sir,

Maybe it's just me but I would have had Lulu to start the Commonwealth Games off and Susan Boyle to close them down. But in fact the organisers decided to do it the other way round. Are they crazy?

Yours, Fred Bungee

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Dear Sir,

Even though I wasn't deemed Scottish enough to do anything in the Glasgow Commonwealth Games, I am please to see that one of my hits, Mull of Kintyre, was used in the opening ceremony. All together now: "Mull of Kintyre yum dum dum di dum dargh oh Mull of Yee dar."

Yours, Paul McCartney [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO GENERATE ALL THE ELECTRICITY YOU NEED FROM SUNBATHING
Daily Mirror

Drinking And Driving To Be Made Legal By 2015, Says Government

London, United Kingdom: The government today announced a plan to allow drunk people to be driven in driverless cars they own by the end of 2015, it has been revealed.

Drivers who own the driverless vehicle can then drink until they are almost unconscious and still be driven home in their own driverless car, it is believed government measures will allow.

But road safety experts have criticised the move. 'Drunk people can still program the car to drive into a fence', they say.

The drinking continues.

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Incredible Hulk To Become A Woman' it seems that there were a number of errors: The superhero who is to become a woman is Thor and not the Incredible Hulk as we claimed. Female bodybuilders do not 'eat more chips than men', we are happy to set the record straight. It was in fact Batman who was the first superhero to swear, but he isn't really a superhero more like a rich bloke with a lot of expensive gadgets. [link]

FAT PEOPLE HAPPIER THAN THIN PEOPLE WHEN EATING CAKE PRETENTIOUSLY WITH A FORK, SAYS EXPERT
Daily Stir

Advertising Agencies Who Create Erotic Advertising Campaigns Could Be Placed On Sex Register

Police have confirmed that they will track down advertising agencies responsible for erotic imagery and place them on the sex register, it was revealed last night.

This comes just days after youngsters found skinny dipping were put on the sex register.

The nakedness continues.

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

Baby Rhino's Will Eat Human Baby's Feet If Left Unattended, Holiday Makers Warned

Holiday makers planning a trip to Gaza told to check with their travel agent that Gaza is still there before setting out

Top Ten Best Ways To Eat A Cornetto, In Our Brilliant Sponsored Feature [link]

HOW TO GET A SUPER TONED BEACH BODY IN TIME FOR YOUR HOLIDAY BY SINGING IN A HIGH VOICE
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Thank you for taking the time to write your excellent expose 'Human poo pong from fields grips Tring residents'. Yes, I completely agree, if human poo ever did fight back we would be ill prepared to deal with it, after all these years of neglect.

Yours, Karen Muckleswaith

Dear Sir,

Could someone please tell me why Israel is bombing Gazza back to the stone age? Hasn't Paul Gascoigne had enough problems? LEAVE HIM ALONE!

Yours, Fred Bungee

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Dear Sir,

Thank you for your excellent story 'Human poo pong from fields grips Tring residents'. Your headline however made it sound like a game of Poo Ping Pong was going on in Tring. Please be more careful in future.

Yours, Harry Hall [link]