ARIES Mar 20 - Apr 19

Mistletoe, but not the berries, are well starred in any lip, tongue or nose touching endeavours this month. (The optimal hanging height in any kissing based festive intrigue is 6ft 9in unless your aunt is still seeing that professional basketball player in which the height is 3 ft higher.)

Talking, jabbering, telling laugh-out-loud jokes, homely anecdotes involving fish, baking, or trips to any of Disney's theme parks, are erratically starred up to the 9th, and then spectacularly well starred for the rest of the month, as Jupiter diverts its attention away from you and starts to plan general mayhem for the new year.

Your favoured television routine is set to be decimated by the Christmas schedules once again, from the 23rd onwards, and any complaints will automatically be disregarded by anyone who hears you as a typically Bah Humbuggy Arisean complaint.

This month your destiny is angry for most of the time. [more]

FREE BREXIT PEPPER POT FOR EVERY READER
Daily Armstretchograph

Prime Minister Outlines Her Ideal BREXIT Surprise Negotiating Position

The prime minister explained, today, why she wants to keep her Brexit negotiating position secret after triggering Article 50, in the first interview on the subject.

Theresa May told this newspaper: "When I start my negotiating pitch I want to be able to surprise them all, possibly even make some of them fall off their chairs. If I tell parliament what I am going to say it won't have the same impact when I tell the Europeans for the first time - especially the Spanish team who have been trained for years from primary school after being caught out so unexpectedly by the Spanish Inquisition."

She continued: "Do you remember that Marilyn Monroe bit when she stood over the hot air vent in the street and her dress goes up over her head? Well, I suppose what I really want is for the European negotiators to be like that when I tell them my demands but it's water coming up and they all go flying all over the place. That'll certainly get my negotiations off on a good footing. The element of surprise is very important."

We asked her if this strategy was likely to work, because although she would have the element of surprise when she started talking, her position would be leaked probably to the media within the hour. She looked thoughtful and said: "Hmmm. yes, you've got a point. Yes it's really because I haven't a clue what my strategy is. You really are good at your job aren't you."

The English Breakfast continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Correction: In yesterday's story: Nigel Farage Should Be King, Says Donald Trump it seems there was an error: Piers Morgan was the odd one out. We are happy to set the record straight. [link]

DANNY DYER SHOULD BE KING, SAYS EXPERT
Daily Moan

EU leaders 'not bluffing' over Brexit terms, warns Malta's PM

Malta's Prime Minister, Joseph Muscat, said that Europe is not bluffing over it's Brexit terms, although admitted that if he was bluffing he would be saying pretty much what he is now, in an exclusive interview given to this newsmoany.

The European Union has told Britain that it could not be in the Single Market if it did not include free movement of people. And that remains their position, although conceded that if they were bluffing that might not be the case, although they are not bluffing, the prime minister said.

The history of bluffing in Europe goes back centuries with double bluffing popular in the 19th century. Once a negotiating strategy carried out by Bismark got so complicated that many historians believe he actually managed a quadruple bluff which even now historians have difficulty in understanding.

If Europe were bluffing over single market access and Britain were allowed to stop free movement of people it would be a first.

One Number 10 insider told this newspaper: "They are bluffing and we will be able to remain in the single market and stop free movement of people, just you wait and see."

The expensive wine with lunch continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Also In Today's Paper:

Jenny Clarkson: "I am not related To Jeremy Clarkson"

Clarkson's Grand Tour 'You Can Knock My House Down If I Lose This Speed Test' Comment Was A Set Up, Says Telegraph Reader Who Saw The Story He Had Demolished His Home In The Paper in September

Pringle's Crisps Criticised For S(Pr)ingle Market Ad [link]

MIKE PENCE APPLAUDED BY AUDIENCE IN BROADWAY'S KKK THE MUSICAL
Daily Moan

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I have invented a toilet brush that looks exactly like Donald Trump's head and upper body. Does anybody know if I need permission from the President-Elect to use his head and upper body as a toilet brush, or can I just do it and hope nobody tries to drone me to death for doing it?

Yours, Dunald Tromp

Dear Sir,

I am an Elvis impersonator but the money has declined recently. I am thinking of changing into a Donald Trump impersonator as the money is much better. Does anybody know how to get the brillo pads into the golden brown for his hair? I've got the pouty lips down, which is a bit like a cocked-lip-in-the-corner Elvis mouth but all over, and his body is pretty similar too if you put on a suit.

Yours, Shirt Cufflinks

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

I pout my lips after I've said something, comb my hair forwards and say bigly who am I?

Yours, Donald Trump in a mask [link]

FREE BREXIT GROPE FOR EVERY READER
Daily Armstretchograph

de Pfeffel's Piffle: Boris Johnson's New Column

Boris Johnson real name

Now, look here, chaps and chappesses, I mean, look, crikey. A lot of people have been saying this week that I change my mind with the wind. This is quite clearly libelous.

Me defending brilliant Londoners against mad Donald Trump when I was mayor:

Me saying Donald Trump is brilliant.

Where's the story here? I say move on, me old China.

The Johnson continues.

Correction: In yesterday's story: Boris Urges Calm Amidst 'Hair Hurricane' it seems there was an error: The Hurricane that hit Aberystwyth this week was not named Donald as we claimed. We are happy to set the record straight. [link]

DONALD TRUMP BANNED FOR FIFTH TIME IN FIVE WEEKS BY BRIGHTON COUNCIL
Daily Moan

First Episode Of The Grand Tour Applauded By Carol Vorderman Fans Before They've Seen It

Amazon's billion dollar reboot of Top Gear was applauded today by the Carol Vorderman Fan Club. Bringing to two the number of programme's currently on the telly that the maths genius is in. The other is I'm A Celebrity Get My Breasts Out In Here.

One Vorderfan excitedly wrote on Twitter on Wednesday: "Carol is brilliant. I am so glad that she is one of the first guests on the brand spanking new Amazon show. She is a tribute to all working women with a brain."

Another excitedly wrote before the show was released on Friday: "This is the big break Carol Vorderman needs for her career to go stratospheric as she deserves. With all those new fans watching in America she will undoubtedly do well."

One member of the Carol Vorderman Fan Club on Facebook wrote on Tuesday: "I have just heard that Carol Vorderman is a guest on The Grand Tour, Amazon's new trillion dollar car show. Well, Amazon, you have never disappointed me in the past and so I have just decided to join Amazon Prime for the first time. I can't wait to see what you have Carol Vorderman doing in the first episode when I watch it Friday."

(Spoiler: It is with great sadness that we report Carol Vorderman died during the making of the show.)

The vrooming continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Also In Today's Paper:

Jeremy Clarkson, The Great Dane Of Broadcasting, On To Another Winner With 'The Grand Tour'

Clarkson, May And Hammond Win First Award For Amazon's Brilliant New Gazillion Dollar 'The Grand Tour'

Jeremy Clarkson 'Better Than Harry Potter', Says JK Rowling [link]

MIKE PENCE APPLAUDED BY AUDIENCE IN BROADWAY'S GESTAPO BLUES
Daily Moan

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

As a member of the Carol Vorderman Fan Club I must complain about me paying for Amazon Prime so that I can watch my favourite telly maths chanteuse only to find they killed her in a joke prank. Is there a phone number at Amazon I can complain to?

Yours, Mike Pincer

Dear Sir,

I read online that Ed Balls and Honey G are to bring out a single for Christmas. Say it ain' t so? But on the positive side it would be a perfect end to such a stupid year.

Yours, Ben Treefeld

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

Lucky for VP-Elect Mike Pence he didn't go to Custard Pie The Musical on Broadway.

Yours, Charlie Chaplinesque [link]

Video of the Day 15th November

(Video sponsored on linksdump.com)

FREE BREXIT SNUFF BOX FOR EVERY READER
Daily Armstretchograph

Donald Trump: 'New Mexico Border Wall Could Be Part Gaps'

Donald Trump, the president elect, has told CBS in his first interview that the new wall with Mexico could be 'part gaps'.

Building a wall between Mexico and the United States was one of Trump's most popular promises.

"The gaps could be in the really desserty places, there's no problem with that. The dessert is the wall. There's no need to build a big uppy in the air wall, the dessert is the wall," he told CBS in the interview to be shown tonight.

The gap building begins.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Correction: In yesterday's story: Nigel Farage Meets The Donald it seems there was an error: The Donald did not knock Nigel Farage out in the second round at 3:04 to become the first UFC champion at two weights at the same time, that was Conor McGregor. We are happy to set the record straight. [link]

DONALD TRUMP BANNED FOR FOURTH TIME IN FOUR WEEKS BY BRIGHTON COUNCIL
Daily Moan

HILLARY CLINTON BECOMES FIRST FEMALE US PRESIDENT

Hillary Clinton swept to the White House theoretically this week with a popular vote 2 million ahead of Donald Trump, the glitzy property developer with funny hair and orange skin.

Although she lost because of the Electoral College System, originally set up to stop interfering women, and others, becoming president, Hillary Clinton supporters were celebrating on the streets. The celebrations including looting, setting cars on fire and chants about Donald Trump.

Claims that a new cancer is to be named after Donald Trump were denied last night.

The rioting continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Also In Today's Paper:

Man In Nigel Farage Mask Meets Man In Donald Trump Mask

I Tried This Anti Aging Cream Once And Instantly Looked 5 Years Older, Can I Get My Money Back?

Is This Man Just One Jammie Dodger Away From Being Fattest Man In Slough? [link]

WIN A DONALD TRUMP COMEDY WIG (REAL CAMEL HAIR)
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Imagine my delight when I went into a paintshop yesterday to find they make a Donald Trump orange now. That's my bathroom right there.

Yours, Gary Bungee

Dear Sir,

I read in some other newspaper that Lego are refusing to let you give their stuff away in offers any more. Pure Liberal lefty rubbish if you ask me. Lego has never been inclusive itself. Have you ever tried to click a real brick into a Lego brick? No way of doing that. Inclusive my arse.

Yours, Nigel P'tard

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

Toblerone with extra spaces in the bar? What a perfect treat for us people trying to cut down on our calories but still wanting to spend the same amount of money. Have they thought about marketing the new bar as a diet aid, those brilliant Mondelez people.

Yours, Fred Cadbury [link]

Video of the Day 9th November

(Video found on linksdump.com)

FREE BREXIT PEPPER POT FOR EVERY READER
Daily Armstretchograph

'BREXIT Judges' Advised Not To Wear Their Wigs In Public Or They 'Could Get Recognised'

The three Brexit judges who controversially said Parliament had to decide when to trigger Article 50 and not Theresa May with her own Queenly-type fingers this week, have been advised not to wear their wigs in public or else a Daily Moan reader could recognise them, according to a wig maker speaking to us earlier today.

Speaking on the Andrew Marr Show this morning a prominent Brexiteer said: "If one of the Brexit judges was to wear their judge wig in public they are just asking for it. I would expect jeering is the least that could be expected and possibly more if Brexit is delayed or halted. Personally if I was them I'd just put a hat on in this cold snap, and preferably only put the hat on over the wig as a last resort."

The wigs smell of old talcum powdered pants if you were wondering, according to an insider.

Have you seen these wigs?

Brexit Judges

The second civil war begins.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Correction: In yesterday's story: Why is nobody talking about Theresa May's funny-mouth-when-she-laughs-thing when they used to talk about Gordon Brown's 'goldfish mouth' thing all the while? it seems there was an error: The odd one out was Nigel Farage, all the others have been on Strictly Come Dancing, we are happy to set the record straight. [link]

DONALD TRUMP BANNED FOR THIRD TIME IN THREE WEEKS BY BRIGHTON COUNCIL
Daily Moan

MAN WEARING JUDGE WIG ASSAULTED IN IPSWICH

Public unrest increased again today with reports across the country of people wearing judge wigs being assaulted in town centres, the latest outside the Corn Exchange in Ipswich.

A police spokesman has urged calm and advised people who are planning to go out into town centres in judge wigs to think again 'at least for the next few weeks as public tension is high'.

A fashion designer, who had judge wigs as their hottest fashion accessory this autumn, criticised the advice and told people wearing the wigs to arm themselves with a gavel and shout the term 'silence in court' if verbally assaulted on the streets.

The wigginess continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Also In Today's Paper:

Man Wearing Judge Wig And Borat Mankini Attacked In Newcastle

How To Guarantee To Get Into A Fight On A Saturday Night: Tip 786 - Wear A Judge Wig

British Wrestling Company To Introduce New Characters Wearing Judge Wigs Following Brexit Vote [link]

WIN A JUDGE WIG
Daily Moan

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Who do these judges think they are, wearing those stupid wigs? I suppose they think they are better than us.

Yours, Brendan Smith, inmate Wormwood Scrubs

Dear Sir,

Where would we be without the Daily Moan now the judges have gone rogue? Thank you for your brilliant public service.

Yours, Sally Gumption

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

I have an old bed that I am perfectly happy to be used as a barricade against those pesky judges. Just give me the word and I'll be out on the streets with you, brilliant Daily Moan.

Yours, Brenda Michelson [link]