BBC TOP GEAR DEATH THREATS: 1.5 MILLION PEOPLE HELPING POLICE WITH THEIR ENQUIRIES
Daily Armstretchograph

Nervous, Stuttering, David Cameron Predicted To Accidentally Ask Queen For Divorce

Computer software designed by private contractors for the intelligence agencies and leaked to this newspaper can tell what people in closed rooms are going to say according to Jimmy our IT guy who has pressed a few keys.

Behind Closed Doors

Behind Closed Doors, v3.4, has predicted that David Cameron, 45, will be so nervous that he will stutter his comments to the Queen when he arrives at the Palace to dissolve parliament this week.

Printouts from the software said: "Cameron will look sheepishly at the walls and, when asked kindly what he wants by the Queen, will spit out "I want a divorce"", according to readouts from the secret software. "The prime minister will then fall slightly backwards into a chair and take a sip out of a cup of tea which he will slightly dribble down his tie."

The writers of the software are being sought by Interpol.

(Video found in our website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Right Wing Plans To Make Jeremy Clarkson National Treasure Put On Hold' it seems that there were a number of errors: A statue made out of stone of Jeremy Clarkson would weight over 3 tonnes, we are happy to set the records straight. Clarkson, 54, is set to host Have I Got News For You and not Have I Got Bruise For You as we claimed. The third quote was in fact taken from When Harry Met Sally, the film, and not Top Gear as we typed. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRAND CHILDREN, PART 73: DO YOU PRONOUNCE SKYPE, SKIP?
Daily Armstretchograph

Jeremy Paxman Polls Record 0 In TV Debates

Jeremy Paxman, the interviewing rottweiler who picked on both David Cameron and Ed Miliband like he was looking for a fight in a library, received the lowest poll rating for an interviewer in election debates history last night.

0 is the lowest poll rating for an interviewer ever seen because someone always jokingly says the host when asked who did best in this sort of debate in the telephone polls afterwards because they are angry about being stopped from going to bed.

One spokesman from a polling company explained to this newspaper: "The interviews ended at 10:30 and so by the time the pollers had phoned up it must have been 11:30 for some. People must have been really unhappy with Paxman's performance to not mention him once when they were that knarked."

(Video found in our website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

How to fly like a butterfly and sting like a bee using only household chemicals

Could James Bond Be Played By An Actor With A Bad Stutter Next?

Conservative Party May Not Turn Up To Release Their Manifesto At All, Preferring To Delay Revealing What They Want To Do Until After The Election [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5720 - A HAT
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Well done for your excellent feature Politicians Debate Dressed As Fruit. David Cameron debating in that pear suit made my day.

Yours, Harry Gruntfuttock

Dear Sir,

Oh, Daily Moan you hilarious idiots, your Politicians Debate Dressed As Fruit made my day. Ed Miliband in a pineapple suit was sweet.

Yours, Major John Frederick

(Video found in our website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Dear Sir,

No, stop right now Politicians Debate Dressed As Fruit was just not on. The general election is a serious business and not one to watch Nigel Farage dressed as a fat orange.

Yours, Bob Hopper [link]

PICTURE SPECIAL: IS THIS THE MOMENT CHRIS EVANS REALISED HE WAS DOOMED TO REPLACE JEREMY CLARKSON ON TOP GEAR?
Daily Armstretchograph

Kitchens Now 'Most Dangerous Place' For Politicians

Politicians, some as young as 31, have been advised to avoid kitchens for the rest of the election after a number of incidents that may suggest kitchens have become toxic, according to terrorism experts.

Kitchens have been the friend of politicians for many years, some providing cooked breakfasts, lunch or a quick tea time snack. But following a number of incidents in the media this week the reliability of kitchens have been called into question, with many believing kitchens have started to openly bork politicians and their partners.

Ed Miliband is believed to be most at risk in the coming election season as his own house famously has two kitchens. David Cameron's house on the other hand only has one kitchen but it is the size of a small block of flats.

One expert in kitchens we spoke to for this article has advised politicians to move all their kitchen equipment into a spare bedroom for the rest of the election campaign.

But a critic of our expert said that was a stupid suggestion because if you move all the kitchen equipment from the kitchen to a new room the new room becomes the kitchen.

The spiral into oblivion continues.

(Video found in our website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Politician Dies After Cooking Himself Bacon And Egg In Breakfast Kitchen Photoshoot' it seems that there were a number of errors: The odd breakfast out was liver and cheese. The caption under the third picture should have read 'David Cameron poaches egg'. Nick Clegg does not have three kitchens as we claimed. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRAND CHILDREN, PART 72: IS IT TIME TO DITCH WINDOWS IN FAVOUR OF LINUX?
Daily Stir

Fans In Steak Dinner Vigils As Jeremy Clarkson Sacked

Fans of Jeremy Clarkson are to congregate in restaurants around the country tonight in a rowdy steak supper vigil after the star was sacked from the BBC after he fat lipped a producer.

One steak diner told our reporter, who was working undercover as a waiter, "I'm eating fondant potatoes with my 8oz sirloin steak in tribute to one of the all time greats who is no more. He shall be missed and fondant potatoes are like mashed potatoes in little dollops, right?"

Jeremy Clarkson's last supper on BBC expenses was a £21.95 8oz sirloin steak with fondant potatoes, pan fried wild mushrooms, grilled cherry tomatoes and green peppercorn sauce. It tasted yummy.

The Clarkson continues.

(Video found in our website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

Dapper Laughs Rules Out Replacement Of Jeremy Clarkson On Top Gear

Chris Evans Set To Replace Clarkson, Or Is He?

Top Gear Can Go On Without Clarkson But We Will Need New Cars, Claims Producer [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5719 - ELECTRICITY BILLS
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

So has Jeremy Clarkson just been sacked or have they just not renewed his contract? Or is that the same thing? I really wish I'd listened when my mother told me about employment contract law now - all I remember her telling me was to wear new underpants every day.

Yours, Jenny Smackteeth

Dear Sir,

Top Gear without Jeremy Clarkson will be like the news without Richard Baker, it just can't go on.

Yours, Richard Whitmore

(Video found in our website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Dear Sir,

Speaking as a producer at the BBC I would like to say it is a sad day that Jeremy Clarkson is no longer at the BBC. Everyone who worked on Top Gear were hoping for generous danger money payments to work with Clarkson after steakgate and now we all fear our salaries will fall back to the minimum wage again.

Yours, [Name And Address Supplied] [link]

IS THIS THE BUNNY RABBIT TIPPED TO REPLACE JEREMY CLARKSON ON TOP GEAR?
Daily Armstretchograph

International Day Of Happiness Was One Of Happiest Days On Record

Organisers of the International Day Of Happiness have said they are overjoyed by how happy Friday 20th March 2015 was, sources close to the good cheer told this newspaper.

With news that the Happiness Index hit Disney levels (17%) in certain parts of London at 5pm on Friday, organisers say the International Day Of Happiness is set to be repeated next year.

Happiness in England has rarely been higher than 12.5% since 1967, although famously went up to 56% in 1981 and to this day nobody knows why.

An organiser from Belgium, who still had whipped cream in her hair, said she has plans to make International Day Of Happiness better still in 2016.

The happiness continues.

(Video found in our website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'BBC Misses Opportunity To Announce That Jeremy Clarkson Is Set To Stay At Top Gear On International Day Of Happiness' it seems that there were a number of errors: The third sentence of the fourth paragraph should have read 'Laughter is the best medicine.' The odd one out was in fact Piers Morgan because Jeremy Clarkson has punched him in the face. The Eclipse is a car as well as a Moon-ey/Sun-ny type thingie, we are happy to set the record straight. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRAND CHILDREN, PART 71: IS SOAP AND WATER AND A SPONGE THE BEST WAY TO CLEAN MY COMPUTER SCREEN?
Daily Stir

Top Eight Things SNP Expected To Ask Labour For In Coalition Talks

1) English National Anthem To Be Sung In A Glasgow Accent

2) Pronunciation Of World Wide Web To Be Changed To Wuddled Wide Web

3) Football: Scottish Premier League Results To Be Read Before Championship Results

4) ITV's Good Morning Britain To Be Renamed The Lorraine Kelly Good Morning Britain Warm Up Show

5) Ant And Dec To Be Replaced With Bag Pipes

6) Trident (The Chewing Gum) To Be Renamed The Big Chew

7) Scotch whiskey to be the answer twice a week on Eggheads but never on Pointless

8) Scottish mineral water to be placed higher on the supermarket shelves than French water

(Video found in our website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

Blank Space Where You Can Write Your Own Stories

Have You Fully Recovered From Friday's Eclipse? Our Brilliant Columnist Kate Burr Hasn't

999 Calls During Eclipse Friday At Record High [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5718 - BUMBLE BEES
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Thank you so much for your enlightening series, Politicians In Animal Suits. I cannot believe how handsome David Cameron was in his duck suit. He gets my vote for sure!

Yours, Ben Gumption

Dear Sir,

Oh, Politicians In Animal Suits was simply the best way of getting over fraClarksonsteakegate# last week. Ed Miliband as a human size millipede was simply at David Attenborough levels of genius.

Yours, Bob Monkhouse

(Video found in our website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Dear Sir,

Are you serious? Why is an erstwhile paper of record, the Daily Moan, bothering it's readers with features such as 'Politicians In Animal Suits', although having said that, Nick Clegg as a camel made my day.

Yours, Brenda Done [link]

IS THIS THE BUNNY RABBIT TIPPED TO REPLACE JEREMY CLARKSON ON TOP GEAR?
Daily Armstretchograph

George Osborne 'I Wore Wrong Trousers'

Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne, did the traditional photo call with the red box wearing the wrong trousers, a spokesman from Number 10 finally admitted last night.

George Osborne budget 2015

500 people watching the budget on the telly phoned in to the BBC to complain that Osborne's trousers looked an inch too short, ending above his shoes.

It is not known if Osborne, 45, changed his trousers before walking in to the Commons to give his speech.

George Osborne Trousers too short

A spokesman for suits told this newspaper: "He should have pulled the trousers down about the waist to allow the trousers to rest like a puppy on his shoes. It looks to me like he pulled his trousers to be tight up to his balls, which is a common mistake"

The budget fallout continues.

(Video found in our website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Sunbathers In Southern England Warned Of Eclipse Friday Morning' it seems that there were a number of errors: Nobody will be sunbathing outside between 8:30 and 10 o'clock Friday morning in England because it will be too cold, we are happy to set the record straight. Watching the eclipse on the BBC will not cause blindness even if you look straight at the television picture. People sunbathing outside on Friday morning are not to be messed with as they will be pretty hard, we are happy to be corrected. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRAND CHILDREN, PART 70: IS GIGABYTING A THING?
Daily Stir

ITNs Budget Budgie Chokes And Dies Live On Air

Cyril The Budgie, the popular ITN budget budgie, used to show how the budget affects real people and their pets, choked on a mouthful of grain and died during this years budget. He was 8.

Cyril the budget budgie

Speaking after the short funeral, the ITN director of on-screen animals told reporters: "Cyril the Budgie has departed today. We are sad."

The budget analysis continues.

(Video found in our website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

Friday's Eclipse Could Scare Dogs, Claims Vet

What To Do If The Moon Gets Stuck In Front Of The Sun During Friday's Eclipse

Police Fear Mooning During Eclipse On Friday [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5717 - CHIA SEEDS
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Hell fire! They say the sun is going out on Friday morning? Is this another election stunt?

Yours, Harry Smith

Dear Sir,

Last time the moon obstructed the sun I prayed to God asking him to let the sun come back again and it worked then and we were all saved. So I say let's all pray together. If the moon gets stuck we'll be in trouble. My prayer is: "Dear Lord, Please don't let the Moon get stuck in front of the Sun. Thank you, Amen."

Yours, Rev Frederick Darbyshire

(Video found in our website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Dear Sir,

All this talk in your newspaper about the length of George Osborne's suit trousers and nothing about the possible end of the world on Friday morning. You call this journalism?

Yours, Jenny Wayne [link]

TRANSEXUAL IRANIAN TIPPED TO REPLACE JEREMY CLARKSON ON TOP GEAR, INSIDER CLAIMS
Daily Armstretchograph

Top Gear Set To Merge With Last Of The Summer Wine

Following years of speculation, BBC bosses are set to reveal the merger of two of telly's most popular shows Top Gear and Last Of The Summer Wine, next week.

High level talks are to take place at the beginning of the week which may see if Jeremy Clarkson, one of the main stars of Top Gear, is prepared to make the changes.

Rumours of the merger have been on the t'internet for years, but this is the first time that a BBC insider has confirmed the rumours for real.

Other suggestions for a revised post steakgate Top Gear include: A blue triangle with the term 'Not PC' in the top left corner; presenters riding mobility scooters between features; more flat caps, and stuff about a colliery.

The end of Top Gear continues.

(Video found in our website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Corrections: In yesterday's story: '100,000 Stigs Sign Petition To Keep Clarkson At BBC' it seems that there were a number of errors: All Top Gear producers will be offered Stig full-face helmets if they have to work with Jeremy Clarkson again. A pound of oil weighs the same as a pound of water, as does £1 worth of oil cost the same as £1 worth of water, we are happy to set the record straight. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRAND CHILDREN, PART 69: SHOULD I NAME MY COMPUTER?
Daily Stir

Man Killed When Sack Of Health Food Falls On His Head

A man, 56, has died after a sack of quinoa, a health food, fell on his head, it has been reported.

Quinoa is widely regarded as a health food, providing healthy plant based protein, but the amount involved in the death is believed to have been excessive, according to health experts.

Quinoa, popular in some countries for centuries, looks a bit like rice but is softer like cake when cooked, according to experts. The recommended amount of quinoa in a meal is thought to be about 2/3rds of a cup.

Witnesses to the death have said they were surprised by the death. One said: "You try and eat healthily and this happens."

The eating continues.

(Video found in our website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

Make Or Break Top Gear Meeting Expected To [put what is expected to happen here]

Dame Edna To Come Out Of Retirement To Interview Party Leaders In Election, Broadcasters Say

Which Party Leader Is The Best At Singing In The Shower? The Answer May Surprise You [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5716 - DOGGIE CHEW
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Further to your excellent coverage of the Jeremy Clarkson Steakgate crisis. Am I the only one to hope that one day Jeremy Clarkson and the team will be able to host Top Gear straight after a three hour drinking session down the pub? It would be hilarious.

Yours, Jenny Bator

Dear Sir,

I hope Jeremy Clarkson stays at the BBC but is demoted to their customer complaints department. Who'll sign my petition?

Yours, Shelly Gumbells

(Video found in our website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Dear Sir,

Further to your story 'Justin Bieber Survives Celebrity Roast' I don't think it was that kind of roast. In America it is more like an insult-a-thon by comedians.

Yours, Wayne Looney [link]

POLITE FRENCH BLOKE WITH A MUSTACHE TIPPED TO REPLACE JEREMY CLARKSON ON TOP GEAR, INSIDER CLAIMS
Daily Armstretchograph

Car Companies Hire Boxers To Review Jeremy Clarkson's 'Punch' Part 1

Just hours after Jeremy Clarkson was suspended for 'punching' a producer, car companies, many of whom have suffered at the hands of his at times withering critiques, hired professional boxers to review his 'punch', we can now report.

Speaking late last night, the sales department of Nissan said they had hired boxer Jim 'Banger' Maurice to critique Clarkson's 'punch'. He said:

"Jeremy Clarkson is a big man and definitely has the weight for a successful punch, but it looks like he was too hungry to punch successfully. Punching on an empty stomach is not advised especially at the end of a long drive when your shoulders are stiff. A successful punch comes from the shoulder, Clarkson's 'punch' seemed to have come from his belly. All in all an unsatisfactory 'punch'. Don't give up the day job, Jeremy."

Audi, still smarting from some review or other, said they have hired heavy hitter Mike Tyson to review Clarkson's 'punch':

"When you throw a punch you have to mean it. Clarkson has got to where he is today by his firm, blunt, critiques, and so one would presume that his punch would be similar in stature. Disappointingly, however, the 'punch' failed to live up to the hype. If you were to ask me to rate the 'punch' I would politely decline, but if you pressed me I would give it two sandwiches out of ten."

The end of Top Gear nears.

(Video found in our website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Tape Emerges of Jeremy Clarkson Hitting Producer' it seems that there were a number of errors: We didn't manage to get a video of the 'punch' in time for publication, the clip we showed was from Harry Hill's TV Burp in which an actor wearing a Jeremy Clarkson face mask hits a squirrel, we are happy to set the record straight. The video should have been labeled 'No producer was hurt during the making of this video", we are sorry for the omission. 'fracas' does not rhyme with 'maracas' as we claimed. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRAND CHILDREN, PART 68: HOW MANY FILES CAN I HOLD ON MY LAPTOP BEFORE IT GETS TOO HEAVY I CAN'T PICK IT UP?
Daily Armstretchograph

Car Companies Hire Boxers To Review Jeremy Clarkson's 'Punch' Part 2

Ford quickly hired Chris Shoebank to critique Jeremy Clarkson's punch, who wrote:

"Food fights need to be ended quickly and thus a jab isn't really what is required. I would have gone for a haymaker. Presenters of Clarkson's caliber need an out of the blue smash to knock the producer clean out, not just on his backside. Ultimately the best punch in such a situation is to punch deftly from the right into the cerebellum knocking the producer out instantly and making him forget what happened so that he can't report you to senior producers at the BBC. Unfortunately, if the producer can remember what happened, the punch was ultimately unsuccessful."

Car company Peugeot, often the butt of Jeremy Clarkson's jokes, hired well known French boxer Jacques Montabalon for their critique:

"Merde. It was the Citroen CV of punches. He might as well have kissed him. It was the most environmentally friendly punch I have ever seen. He deserves to lose his job."

The boxing continues.

(Video found in our website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

Jereome Clarkson, Producer, Has Not Been Suspended, Says BBC

Seven Leaders In TV Debates Are What Widescreen TVs Were Invented For, Claims Politico

Petition To Change Law To Allow BBC Producers To Be Punched In The Face Reaches 400,000 [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5715 - WHATEVER JEREMY CLARKSON HAS ORDERED
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

All this controversy over Jeremy Clarkson 'punching' a producer and nobody is talking about our Eurovision Song Contest entry. Now Jeremy Clarkson is free how about asking him to sing it this year?

Yours, Barry Goolie

Dear Sir,

I say well done to Jeremy Clarkson, BBC producers are really sniffy and deserve someone to put one up them.

Yours, Major John Frederick

(Video found in our website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Dear Sir,

Oh cock.

Yours, James May [link]

DAVID CAMERON WILL BE ALLOWED TO ACT LIKE ROYALTY DURING TV DEBATES AND JUST WAVE, SAY BROADCASTERS
Daily Armstretchograph

Harrison Ford's Plane Crash More Like Him In Indiana Jones Than Him In Star Wars, Agrees Twitter

Twitter, the popular micro blogging site, reacted in more or less agreement today after Harrison Ford successfully crash landed his ickly Indiana Jones type plane on a golf course just like he would have done had he still been playing Indiana Jones in the movies, which he is.

Ford, the most commercially successful actor in movie history, became the most successful plane crash surviving actor last night, even putting himself above Indiana Jones on some chart or other we drew up in our coffee room.

Tweets, some as long as the full 140 characters allowed, applauded the actor, 72, for crash landing his plane, missing people standing watching, just like Indiana Jones would have done but without the hat and the music.

Over 85% of tweets said he was a tribute to Indiana Jones, and 15% that he was a tribute to Han Solo, the character he played in the Star Wars whatever they call a movie franchise which will soon have 7 in them, a sevenillogy probably.

However Ford himself has starred in only 4 of the Stars Wars films if you include the new one coming out soon. He has also starred in 4 Indiana Jones films, something that numerologists claim is significant and predicts a crash.

The Force continues.

(Video found in our website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Harrison Ford invited to special round of golf on actual golf course he crash landed on' it seems that there were a number of errors: Nobody shouted 'Ford' as he came down to land, it was 'fore'. Crazy Golf is not actual golf but is a sort of puzzle based activity using baby golf clubs, we are happy to set the record straight. The Indiana Jones theme goes like 'da da-da-daa, daaaa daaa da daa... dum di dum dum dum de dumdum doo' and not 'doobie do do doobie dooo, dooobby do do, doooby do, do, do..." as we claimed. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRAND CHILDREN, PART 67: COULD MY ANDROID PHONE TAKE OVER MY GARAGE? 10 DANGER SIGNS
Daily Mail

Broadcasters Start Suffering Inexplicable Bad Luck Hours After Agreeing To 'Empty Chair' PM In Debates

Broadcasters, some as old as 51, who were behind the decision to empty chair the PM if he refuses to take part in the election debates later in the year, have started suffering from heightened levels of bad luck, reports from those close to the broadcasters appeared to reveal last night.

Broadcasters who found taking a shower to be quite easy on the Tuesday, all reported finding the shower gel push button thingie sticking on Wednesday after making their decision to empty chair the PM. Many had mysterious coughing fits, toasters burning toast even though they were on the same setting as the day before and little rat heads appearing in the marmalade which disappeared when they did a double take at breakfast.

Men of mystery confirmed that broadcasters should be prepared for a period of mild peril after making the decision to exclude who is in effect the most royal person in the country after the monarchy.

A BBC insider told this newspaper: "Everyone is now praying that Ed Miliband becomes Prime Minister, we are having special prayer meetings."

A media insider confirmed to this newspaper that the church has given advice to the media companies involved in the crisis: "The church has advised broadcasters affected to chant "the power of Miliband compels you" if something seems to be going skew-if.'

The broadcasting continues.

(Video found in our website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

Man Arrested After Sitting On Parliament All Night

David Cameron Sets Out What He'll Be Doing Instead Of The Debates He's Refusing To Take Part In

David Cameron Set To Make Election Debates Illegal After Election [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5714 - GRUELL ON TOAST
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

If Katie Hopkins is so convinced that Kelly Clarkson has eaten her backing vocalists then she should be calling the police and not writing about it on her Twitter account.

Yours, James Junky

Dear Sir,

Further to the story 'I'm not chickening out of the debates I'll be working for a children's charity at the time, says Cameron'. You can see his point. I'd much rather the prime minister did something useful rather than explain what he's up to.

Yours, Grant Shapps

(Video found in our website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Dear Sir,

Can anybody recommend a cake I can eat to get a six pack? I've read in your paper that Lemon Madeira is good, and Ginger cake too has its benefits. Is there a more chocolaty one I could try?

Yours, Jim Jones [link]

WILL DAVID CAMERON TURN UP FOR THE LEADER ELECTION DEBATES? LATEST ODDS REVEALED
Daily Armstretchograph

Poundland Told To Change Name To Poundishland

Poundland must change its name to Poundishland after repeatedly selling things for more than a pound, it has been reported.

Poundland came to fame for selling everything for £1, but due to unforeseen errors in its accounting sometimes prices can theoretically be as high as £45,567, according to scientists.

Poundland's CEO, who earns £1 a year, told this newspaper: "£45,567 was in fact an error and nobody paid that amount. We strive to make sure that everything is £1 but sometimes we forget, or sometimes something happens or sometimes we put up the value of the store's latest delivery on an item by mistake. Running a shop can be crazy."

The pound continue.

(Video found in our website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Imagine My Horror When I Took £10 Into Poundland And Spent It All But Only Got Two Things, Says Customer' it seems that there were a number of errors: A bar of chocolate is £1 at Poundland and not £3.59 as we reported. A tube of toothpaste is £1 at Poundland and not £1.23 as we claimed. A David Beckham eau de cologne is £8 and not £1 as we reported, we are happy to set the records straight.[link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRAND CHILDREN, PART 66: WHERE IS THE MOUSE ON MY WINDOWS TABLET?
Daily Mail

Income Of People With Fake Tans 'Back To Pre Crisis' Levels

People with fake tans have seen their incomes rise to 2009 levels for the first time since then, the Association Of Fake Tan Sprayers said last night.

Shirley Tanfriend of the Association Of Fake Tan Sprayers told this newspaper: "Employees with an impressive fake tan are in demand in people facing positions as both a talking point and because their productivity has increased. A well tanned employee is a happy employee and exudes optimism to others. As we say in the office, they are worth their weight in tanning solution."

The tannings continues.

(Video found in our website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

Weasel Thanks Woodpecker For 'Ride Of His Lifetime'

Man With Six-Pack Eats Donuts

Does This Pickled Onion Look Like Simon Cowell? Have Your Say [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5713 - MINI MOUSE BLUEBERRY MUFFIN
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

How lovely that a little weasel was given a brief flight by a woodpecker in that lovely picture you printed in your chip paper yesterday. I do hope the woodpecker gave the obligatory safety notice before takeoff required by all passenger airlines in Europe.

Yours, Eric Viking, Association Of In Flight Servants

Dear Sir,

Thank heavens that ickle weasel was just an ordinary size and didn't need two seats or the poor woodpecker might have crashed. Fat people: yes I'm talking about you.

Yours, Harry Hopkins

(Video found in our website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Dear Sir,

Has anybody noticed how horrible some people's feet are? Ew. Yuck. Yuckity yuck. etc

Yours, Karen Gumption [link]

ARE THE GREEN PARTY TRYING TO HIDE THEIR LEADER FROM THE MEDIA?
Daily Armstretchograph

"I Didn't Say I Was As Fit As A Fiddle," Stresses Nigel Farage

Nigel Farage was forced to deny he had said he was 'as fit as a fiddle' last night, stressing he said he was 'as fit as a flea.'

"Nigel Farage MEP 1, Strasbourg - Diliff" by Diliff - Own work. Licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0 via Wikimedia Commons - http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Nigel_Farage_MEP_1,_Strasbourg_-_Diliff.jpg#mediaviewer/File:Nigel_Farage_MEP_1,_Strasbourg_-_Diliff.jpg

MPs and MP wannabes, such as Farage, 93, have been trying to distance themselves from fiddles for the last 4 years and had he said he was 'as fit as a fiddle' it would have set alarm bells off in the media across the country.

But in the event he said flea and not fiddle after all.

The fleas continue.

(Video found in our website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Sales Of Capes Collapse After Madonna's Brits Backflop Performance' it seems that there were a number of errors: Madonna is 57 years of age and not 2057 as we accidentally printed. The quote 'the Madonna with the big boobies' was in fact a quote from the BBC's Allo Allo, a sitcom, we are happy to set the record straight. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRAND CHILDREN, PART 65: HOW DO I KNOW IF MY TABLET IS MADE BY APPLE?
Daily Mail

Madonna Set To Copyright 'Backwards Cape Slam' Before WWE Does

Management for Madonna immediately set in motion a copyright claim on the backwards cape slam performed by the star for the first time at the Brit Awards on Wednesday.

WWE, the professional wrestling conglomerate, is known to have been developing a similar move before Madonna perfected it in a performance seen by millions this week.

A spokesman for WWE growled at this newspaper: "Madonna has perfected something we have been working on in our labs. An effective backwards slam by being pulled by a cape but without being choked is something we have failed to achieve so far."

Professional wrestling is like half naked dancing and is not like fighting at all, an expert explained to this newspaper.

Madonna was fully clothed during the incident.

The wrestling continues.

(Video found in our website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

53 Year Old Football Fan Forced To Face Fact He Will Be 60 By World Cup In 2022

Green Party Move To Recycle Their Leader

How To Laugh Every Day Up Until the Election [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5712 - GUAVA FRUIT FLAN
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Further to your excellent exclusive expose '50 Shades Of Grey To Be Made Into Musical' I couldn't agree more, the song 'Come to my bedroom, in the red room, where I'm fed room' has a sick beat, at least on paper.

Yours, Sherry Dobson

Dear Sir,

Oh lardy, what a terrible idea that 50 Shades Of Grey is to be made into a musical. If I have learned one thing in my life it is that sex and singing rarely go well when done together.

Yours, Jerry Jetison

(Video found in our website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Dear Sir,

Iz it really true dat 50 Shades of Grey is bein made into a musical, like wot your story is reporting like bro? Sheeze, dat news aint good.

Yours, Chet Mercury [link]