AM I IN OUTER SPACE? TEN TELL TALE SIGNS
The Thun (spoof of The Times)

Overweight Activists Campaign To Rename Comedy Act To Hardy And Laurel

Overweight activists in the United States are campaigning to rename Laurel and Hardy to Hardy and Laurel, as the old name is sizeist as it isn't alphabetical, it is claimed.

"H comes before L in the alphabet, although Laurel has always been first. The only possible explanation is that they are picking on the fat guy," said Mona Sturgeon, 320lbs. "I bet he didn't get paid as much too."

Oliver Hardy, who ate seven roast chickens a day to keep his since much copied rounded physique, died 60 years ago, at a time when fat people were rare.

Overweight campaigners claim that had he lived today he would have had top billing, putting the slim Stan Laurel in second place.

The buffet continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Correction: In yesterday's story: President Obama In Prince George Bathrobe Outburst it seems there was an error: The bathrobe cost £59.98 from our online store and not £59.99 as we accidentally claimed. We still have them on sale by the way and they are a bargain. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRANDCHILDREN, PART 165: IS MY COMPUTER DIGITAL?
O!Hell Magazine

Ladbrokes To Offer 5000-1 For Leicester City To Do It Again

Ladbrokes, the bookies that offered 5000-1 to punters choosing Leicester City to win the Premier League in 2016 in 2015, have said they are going to do it again this year because 'there's no way they can do it again'.

Despite screams from shareholders on Twitter, the company said it was a sure thing this time and it is expected to be a money spinner for bookmakers as long as Leicester don't do it again.

5000-1 is the same odds as Kim Kardashian becoming vice president to Donald Trump.

The football continue.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Also In Today's Paper:

How Much Would I Have Won Had I Put 50p On Leicester City To Win At 5000-1 (£2,500)

How Much Would I Have Won Had I Put £5 On Leicester City To Win At 5000-1 (£25,000)

How Much Would I Have Won Had I Put £100 On Leicester City To Win At 5000-1 (£500,000) [link]

ARE YOU RELATED TO HILLARY CLINTON? TAKE OUR BREXIT QUIZ
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Oh lordy I do hope the bookmaker who decided on the odds of 5000-1 for Leicester City to win the Premier League is OK.

Yours, Judd Nelson

Dear Sir,

There are only 20 teams in the Premier League and Ladbrokes decided to give odds of 5000-1? You never see odds like that in a 20 horse race. I think bookmakers have gone mad. That's another sign of the impending apocalypse I've been noticing lately, on top of all the celebrity deaths.

Yours, Guru John Smith

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

Does anybody know if there is a yodeling competition in the country? If there isn't I'm thinking I will just turn up in Colchester on Saturday and do it against the loud preacher bloke who normally turns up.

Yours, Harry Gump [link]

AM I ON SHORE OR OFF SHORE? TEN TELL TALE SIGNS
The Thun (spoof of The Times)

90 Things You Already Know About The Queen, Part 1

In our brilliant new series today we list the 90 things you already know about the Queen to mark her historic 90th birthday.

90) The Queen is famous for wearing hats

89) The Queen can drive

88) The Queen owns corgis

87) The Queen once ate a slice of cake in America

86) The Queen regularly wears a big hat under which she can hide a sandwich if she gets hungry later

85) The Queen didn't jump from a helicopter to start the Olympics in 2012, a body double was used

84) The Queen once saw a woman curtsey in front of her and then the woman fell backwards

83) The Queen signs her name Elizabeth Windsor on cheque's, not The Queen

82) The Queen has eaten 54,792 mini cucumber sandwiches

81) The Queen always records her Christmas broadcast because she likes to watch herself on the telly at 3 o'clock and if she hadn't recorded it there wouldn't be anybody there.

The 90 years continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Correction: In yesterday's story: Brexit: Cake Comes Out In Favour Of Remain Camp it seems that there was an error: Mr Kipling is not set to be knighted by the Queen in her Birthday honours as we claimed. [link]

TEN WAYS HOW TO VOTE FOR BREXIT
Daily Stir

Man In Gorilla Suit Wins London Marathon

Harry Smith of Tottenham is the first man in a fancy dress gorilla suit to win the London Marathon, according to a person at the scene.

Running the marathon in under 2 hours the father of four said he is proud to be the first marathon runner to win without showing off his knees.

Marathon organisers were amazed at his time and have said it is the first time a novelty runner, who started in the middle of the crowd, managed to win it.

Harry Smith told reporters: "It is a dream come true."

Police say after initial investigations that there are no suspicious circumstances.

The search for how he did it continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Also In Today's Paper:

My Darth Vader Hell In London Marathon

Who Was That Marathon Runner In Pink And Was He Supposed To Be A Character From Alice in Wonderland? Asks TVs Phil

"I'm A Dragon Not A Bloody Green Giraffe," Marathon Runner Gaffe Explained In Full [link]

ESSEX COULD ENGLAND NEXT, CLAIMERS BREXITER
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I've just invented a slogan for the leave campaign: "Feck It, I'm for Brexit." Do I win a prize?

Yours, Harry Nelson

Dear Sir,

I'm not interested in a trade deal with the USA after Brexit, I want to become the 51st state. Anybody with me?

Yours, Slim Biggins

(Video found on linksdump.com) NSFW

Dear Sir,

Has anybody else tried putting jam on toast? That's a fruit jam. I'm using Strawberry jam but I can't see a problem with using any other jam... on toast? It sounds funny I know but in fact it tastes delicious,

Yours, Ben Diddly [link]

AM I ONSHORE OR NOT? TEN TELL TALE SIGNS
The Thun (spoof of The Times)

Brexit Means End Of KitKats, Warns Cameron

David Cameron warned today that KitKats could be a thing of the past if the country votes to leave Europe.

Kitkats, some with as many as 4 wafers per bar, have been a British treat since the last Millenium and are regularly enjoyed with a cup of tea on a rainy afternoon.

One Brexit campaigner told this newspaper: "This is another scare story from the Bremainers. Nestle will still want to sell us Kitkats even after we leave Europe, although we will insist on pronouncing their name 'Nessles' again."

An increasingly tossle haird Boris Johnston had endearing Kitkat chocolate stains around his mouth when we asked him for a comment.

The chocolate continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Correction: In yesterday's story: How To Make A Tuna Sandwich it seems there was an error: The main ingredient of a tuna sandwich is tuna and not 'mulch' as we typed. We are happy to set the record straight. [link]

In other news: Victoria Wood died this week. Here are some of her funniest lines on our funniest jokes in the world feature.

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRANDCHILDREN, PART 164: HOW TO EAT A KITKAT WHILE USING KITKAT ON ANDROID
FT spoof

Oil Price Slithers Downwards

The oil price slithered down the charts today like it had just been poured over computer screens across London.

Oil analysts watched as the price slid down the charts after a four week period of glugging upwards as all eyes turned towards the Iranians who shook their fists and refused to reduce oil production after years of being in the wilderness.

An oil expert, Oily McOilson from Goldman Oils, told this newspaper: "The price is especially oily on the downside right now with any attempt by investors to grab hold of it seeing it slip through their fingers like goo."

An increasingly tossle haird Boris Johnston was unavailable for comment when we asked.

The oil continue.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Also In Today's Paper:

Oily McOilface Wins Poll For Oil Analyst's Yacht

Fishy McFishface Is Named As New Fishing Boat

AnGela McMerkelface Boat Named After German Chancellor [link]

ARE YOU RELATED TO BORIS JOHNSTON? TAKE OUR BREXIT QUIZ
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Somebody told me the celebrity threesome person was Simon Cowell. But I suppose if I am reading this now it can't be. That's the last time I listen to my mate David.

Yours, Harry Nelson

Dear Sir,

I've got this tune in my head that I just can't figure out what it is. It goes something like this: yum dar di dar dar yum, yarrr dum did dum dum dum di doo doo oooo iii ya ya di deee deem dar... Does anybody know what this is, it's driving me insane?

Yours, Harry Guntotin-Hill

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

Does anybody know where Boris Johnson gets his hair done? I absolutely love the style and am thinking of voting for Brexit just so that I can see the hair more often.

Yours, Sherry Gohomely [link]

AM I OFFSHORE OR NOT? TEN TELL TALE SIGNS
The Thun (spoof of The Times)

David Cameron Must Explain What Items Marked 'Other Sinister Stuff' in Tax Return Is

Jeremy Corbyn has called for further details of the prime minster's tax return after items marked 'other sinister stuff' of £70,000 were marked with no other details in his return for 2010.

A spokesman from Downing Street breathed heavily down the line when we asked what the item was before slamming the phone down.

Last week the prime minister seemed to be engulfed in a Watergate type conspiracy but it turned out to be just a bit of a palaver over nothing.

The tax returns continue.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Correction: In yesterday's story: I Used My Offshore Profits To Get A Breast Enlargement Says Samantha Cameron it seems there was an error: Samantha Cameron did not say the quote attributed to her, we are happy to set the record straight. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRANDCHILDREN, PART 163: CAN I USE WINDOWS 10 TO MANAGE MY OFFSHORE ACCOUNTS?
The New Dire (The New Day Spoof)

Get Your Offshore T-Shirts Here

Exclusive for our 25,000 and falling daily readers. T-shirts only £25.99 with free postage and packing.

Keep calm and put all your money offshore

Ireland isn't offshore

Property of mossack fonseca

The dividends continue.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Also In Today's Paper:

Lax Tax Facts

Panama Dreaming

If You Were A Panama Hat What Would You Look Like? [link]

ARE YOU RELATED TO TOP CAT? TAKE OUR GGRRRREAT QUIZ
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Imagine my surprise to discover what a threesome meant? I assumed it was anything that three people did together. Live and learn.

Yours, Harry Nelson, 87

Dear Sir,

I've just discovered that my father left me £50 million in an offshore account in Panama. Well done to wikileaks.

Yours, Harry Gumption

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

I have been using common or garden lard as part of my anti aging regime for the last 40 years. People tell me I look 21 years of age, when in fact I am over 80.

Yours, Sherry Golightly [link]

FREE PANAMA HAT FOR EVERY READER (ONLY £75.99 POSTAGE AND PACKING)
The Thun (spoof of The Times)

EXCLUSIVE: David Cameron - "I Don't Own A Panama Hat"

David Cameron denied owning a Panama Hat today, just days after returning from holiday.

Downing Street initially told enquiring journalists that the prime minister's hats were a private matter, but when journalists eventually got to ask the prime minster he replied: "I am not wearing a Panama Hat right now."

But picture editors were adamant they had seen him in a Panama Hat at one point, but as yet nothing has come up.

Panama Hat

The looking cool in the early spring British sun continues.

Corrections: In yesterday's story: Does My Head Look Big In This? TV Celebrities Try On A Panama Hat it seems there was an error: The odd one out was the pork pie hat because it is the only hat that is named after a chilled food. We are happy to set the record straight, and, no, there wasn't a reward for spotting the error. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRANDCHILDREN, PART 162: IS WINDOWS VISTA GAY?
The New Dire (The New Day Spoof)

Panama Hats Set To Be 'Hat Of Summer'

Panama Hats are set to be the hat of summer, according to a salesman who works for a Panama Hat company.

A Panama Hat not only has the cachet that it clearly shows you have an enormous amount of money stashed away in an offshore account, but it also keeps your head cool on a hot sunny day, and can warm your head if it gets a bit chilly later.

Fat people can also wear Panama Hats, as can people with large ears.

One person who read Vogue once told this newspaper: "A panama hat has always been my favourite head attire. Today, what with all the stuff in the papers, they add a worldliness than no other hat can offer."

The good cheer continues.

Also In Today's Paper:

How To Wear A Panama Hat

Should I Wear A Scarf With My Panama Hat?

Help, My Panama Hat Is Trying To Kill Me [link]

ARE YOU RELATED TO TONY THE TIGER? TAKE OUR GGRRRREAT QUIZ
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I went on holiday to Panama once and I can certainly vouch for their hats. Trouble is, get them drunk in the internet cafe and their security is rubbish. This was a disaster waiting to happen.

Yours, Jimmy Cameron

Dear Sir,

Imagine my surprise, this week, when, opening my mouth wide to eat a nice big mouthful of birthday cake, that my jaw locked open wide in the about to eat a big mouthful of birthday cake position. I now know how gargoyles feel.

Yours, Harry Gumption

Dear Sir,

Thank heavens David Cameron can say he never received any money from one of his father's off shore funds. How embarrassing it would be if he had.

Yours, Shaun Xman (Tuesday) [link]

ALL THIS FOR ONLY 50p?
The Thun (spoof of The Times)

EXCLUSIVE INVESTIGATION: Premier League Players Are Dopes

A two year investigation of premier league footballers has revealed that they are thicker than the general population by a sizeable margin, according to the Sunday Thun.

The investigation saw a selection of colouring books and crayons placed in changing rooms in premier league clubs across the country and then the drawings and colourings in were judged by a team of psychologists.

"The drawings were little better than a five year old," said one doctor.

A spokesman for Arsenal said: "This proves nothing."

The colouring-in continues.

All the videos are a tribute to Garry Shandling who died this week. Garry Shandling was the star of possibly the best sitcom ever made and one of the most influential television shows of the last twenty years: The Larry Sanders Show.

Corrections: In yesterday's story: Rabbits Have An IQ of 145, Claims Investigator it seems there was an error: A rabbit 'twitches' it's nose - we are happy to set the record straight. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRANDCHILDREN, PART 160: HOW DID BILL GATES GET SO RICH WHEN I HAVE NEVER PAID FOR WINDOWS IN MY WHOLE LIFE?
The New Dire (The New Day Spoof)

Britain Leaving Europe Would Shock The World Like London Did In The Sixties, Claims George Osborne

The growing prospects of a Brexit from Europe would shock the world in the same way it did when everyone started wearing miniskirts in the 1960's, according to Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne, who wants to remain in Europe.

Miniskirts are small skirts that are only just larger than underpants but are shorter than a towel.

A spokesman for the leave campaign said: "If the world can't stand the look of a good solid pair of British thighs in a short skirt then they have three months to get used to the idea."

The Brexit or the Bremain continues.

Also In Today's Paper:

Prince Harry Shops At Kensington Waitrose, Exclusive Pictures Show

What Did Prince Harry Buy At Kensington Waitrose?

How Did Prince Harry Cook His Waitrose Eggs? Our Experts Explain [link]

ARE YOU RELATED TO COLONEL SANDERS? TAKE OUR BRILLIANT CHICKEN QUIZ
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I find it ironic that a company called Tata bought British Steel and is now saying 'ta ta'. Surely the government saw this one coming?

Yours, Benny Cameron

Dear Sir,

Rather than nationalise British Steel, why not ask Goldman Sachs to come up with a plan to hedge the deal so that nobody has to pay anything for it? What exactly was the point of saving these banks if we aren't going to use them now?

Yours, Burt Bikerace

Dear Sir,

Imagine my surprise when reading the internet this morning when I came across the following:

Tommy Cooper: "I said to the Gym instructor, 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can’t make Tuesdays'."

How on earth is this even remotely funny?

Yours, Shaun Xman [link]

A DONALD TRUMP MASK FOR EVERY READER
The New Dire (The New Day Spoof)

Sheffield Woman In Induced Coma After Easter Egg Binge

Jackie Duncan, 34 stone, called the ambulance Easter Sunday evening after a four day Easter egg binge complaining of stomach cramps and heart palpitations and a weird sugar buzzing in her front brain.

Little did she know how serious her situation was, although the colourful circularly cut cardboard waiting for the recycling box was a give away to paramedics attending the stricken chocoholic.

Arriving at hospital, clutching four uneaten eggs under each arm, doctors made the heartbreaking decision to place Jackie into a coma to stop her eating them.

A spokesman for the hospital told this newspaper: "Had she eaten one more Easter egg she would have died."

Jackie has since been left in a coma and has lost 2 stones. An expert in extreme dieting applauded the move and has already posted a video about it on youtube.

The Egginess continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Corrections: In yesterday's story: How To Lose 12 Stones On Our Brilliant Easter Egg Diet it seems there was an error: It should have said How To Lose 12 Ounces On Our Brilliant Easter Egg Diet, we apologise for the error. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRANDCHILDREN, PART 161: IS MY LAPTOP MORE INTELLIGENT THAN ME?
The New Dire (The New Day Spoof)

Sheffield Woman Hospitalised After Eating 'Good To Be Queen' Cushion

Just hours after ITV's screening of a controversial new documentary on the Queen, who this year is celebrating her 90th birthday, a woman in Sheffield has been admitted to hospital after trying to eat an entire It's Good To Be Queen cushion apparently after being told it was made out of chocolate.

Good To be Queen cushion

The cushion, which starred in the documentary on the Queen's biggest fawning sycophants ITV could find before going to air, has the same feeling of marshmallow when touched but in fact is made of cushion material, according to an interior decorator..

A spokesman for Cadbury's said it was an accident waiting to happen as the cushion is almost exactly the same colour as the wrapping on a number of chocolate bars and eggs this time of year and only 50% more chewy than a Double Decker.

The cushion continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Also In Today's Paper:

Which is healthier? An apple or an Easter Egg? The answer may surprise you

Which is healthier? A plum or an Gummy Bear? The answer may surprise you

Which is healthier? A glass of whisky or a tub of lard? The answer may surprise you [link]

HOW TO BREAK INTO YOUR IPHONE
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

All this fuss about speed eating chocolate Easter eggs. Oh grow up! I speed ate a Fredo bar once. Hiccupped like a frog for an hour but still didn't need the hospital.

Yours, Shelly Sharzon

Dear Sir,

All this fuss about that Egyptian airline that diverted to Cyprus when a man on board with a fake bomb said he had a real bomb. My iPhone looks like a bomb too if I Duct Tape it to my stomach. I rarely do it but if I am desperate for the bathroom at home it seems to get the kids out of there quicker than usual.

Yours, Hugo Frustration

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

I tell everyone my iPhone is a bomb when I am in a long queue. It mostly terrifies them. I was expecting people to get used to it but over time if anything the same people just keep getting more hysterically scared.

Yours, Ben Dover [link]