INSIDE: HOW TO BAKE THE PERFECT MINCE PIE IN UNDER 5 MINUTES
Daily Excrement

What If The Jogger Who Bumped Into Cameron Had Been Wearing A Velcro Suit?

Security surrounding the prime minister is to be reviewed after a jogger bumped into him in Leeds, we have been told by a muscular looking man wearing sunglasses inside.

Fears that joggers are experimenting with a new type of velcro that can attach itself to wool suits, similar to that worn by the prime minister, could have lead to a much more seriously sticky incident with the two men being stuck together to such an extent that the prime minister would have had to take off all this clothes to get away, we have been told.

Velcro was designed to fasten to a certain surface, but technical advances now mean velcro can be made to stick to other materials as well.

The terror is almost unbelievable.

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Correction: In yesterday's story: 'As One Gets Closest Yet To Tripping The Prime Minister Over, Are Joggers The New Terrorists?' it seems that there were a number of errors: Bruce Wayne never wore leg warmers in Batman, I think we were thinking of Leroy in Kids From Fame. The third graph over-simplified the relationship between annoying cyclists and annoying joggers and we should have made it clearer that joggers were only as annoying as cyclists to motorists if the joggers ran in the middle of road and then went in and out when they were being overtaken, we are happy to set the record straight. All men who jog shirtless are posers and not 'most men' as we reported. [link]

INSIDE: IS IT NOW TOO DARK TO SALSA IN THE EVENING? OUR STRICTLY WINTER TIME SPECIAL
Daily Stir

Dougie Watson 'Suspended' From 'Essex Wild Boys' For Being Too Wild

Popular reality star Dougie Watson has been told not to turn up for filming on next week's episode of the popular ITV Be show 'Essex Wild Boys' after he partied like it was 1999 times 15, it was claimed last night.

Watson, 25, has already received 2 warnings and is now on his last chance, a bit like Jeremy Clarkson but wilder, a spokesman for the production company told this newspaper last night.

The reality continues.

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

Pet Plastic Surgeon To Offer Pet Owners Look-i-likee pets

It's Still £1.7bn Says Europe Negotiator

Should Terror Laws Include Bad Acting? Our Experts Set Out Their Stall [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5681, WASPS
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Imagine my happiness that my road has decided that pensioners can go trick or treating this year. I should be able to get enough chocolate so I don't have to buy any for Christmas. It's a win win for me because I will be out when those greedy scrounger kids turn up so its all mine.

Yours, Fred Flatstone

Dear Sir,

I have stocked up on sweets I know children today don't like. Does anybody know what the legal position is if the children get sweets they don't like and do the trick anyway because the treat is not to their liking? I don't want to have to clear up the toilet rolls over my erotic statues in my front garden again this year.

Yours, Cyril Fletcher

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Dear Sir,

So, David Cameron is refusing to wear a 'This is what a feminist looks like' t-shirt ? He should have turned up to PMQs wearing it and then be kicked out because he wasn't suitably attired. That would have shown them.

Yours, Fuchsia Busby [link]

INSIDE: WHAT IS THE BEST TIME TO DRINK HOT CHOCOLATE BEFORE GOING TO BED?
Daily Excrement

Angela Merkel's Dog Tears Apart Gift David Cameron Gave Her

A doggie chew given to the German Chancellor as a gift of friendship to her and her dog in a recent trip by the prime minister has been ripped apart by her dog, a spokesman from Europe confirmed last night, showing, once again, Europe's complete contempt for the British way of gifting.

The German dog's teeth bit down hard and chewed until the chew was unrecognisable according to images we have seen but have decided they are too shocking to re-print here.

A spokesman for the Conservative Party said: "This is an affront to British decency. A thoughtful gift was given to the German Chancellor's pet and all it did was to chew it up."

A spokesman for the European Union said: "In Europe we give doggie chews to dogs to chew on. You must have seen that one coming."

The election build-up continues.

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Correction: In yesterday's story: 'Google Executive Breaks 'Weee-eeeeee-eeeeeeee-eeeeeee-ee-eeeee-eeeeeeeee-eeeee-eeeeee-eeeee-e-ee-ee' Jumping Record' it seems that there were a number of errors: The Google Executive, Alan Eustance, who jumped from the stratosphere, did not "squeal Weee-eeeeee-eeeeeeee-eeeeeee-ee-eeeee-eeeeeeeee-eeeee-eeeeee-eeeee-e-ee-ee all the way down" as we reported. The previous holder of the Weee-eeeeee-eeeeeeee-eeeeeee-ee-eeeee-eeeeeeeee-eeeee-eeeeee-eeeee-e-ee-ee jumping record was Felix Baumgartner. A Baumgartner is not an item of German clothing worn around a man or boy's ankle as we claimed, we are happy to set the record straight.[link]

INSIDE: IS BREAD AN APHRODISIAC? NO SAY EXPERTS
Daily Stir

UKIP To Endorse Fawlty Towers Hotel Chain

A Fawlty Towers themed hotel chain, in which actors relive classic sketches from the show in the dining room every night, including the 'Don't mention the war' one, is to receive UKIPs official recommendation, we have been told.

UKIP members will get preferential room rates for their stay until after the next election and discounts on lessons on how to walk like John Cleese, how to comedically mention the war to Germans in any conversation and why a mustache sets a man apart from a women.

UKIP members, some of which remember the war, said John Cleese's 'Don't mention the war' sketch was one of the funniest sketches about the war ever written and performed in a Torquay hotel.

The UKIP funny walks continue.

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

Banker On Deal Or No Deal 'Not An Actual Banker', Court Papers Reveal

Health And Safety Expected To Ban Lycra From Pro Wrestling Circuit By 2017

Cyclist Terrorising Road In Midlands Dies Repeated Multi Collision Death [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5680, A HUMMING BIRD
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Further to your excellent diatribe about Renee Zellweger's new look last week. The only possible explanation is that she has been slapping her face with those hot towels they give you on long flights.

Yours, Shandy Grunstone

Dear Sir,

Further to your excellent article about Renee Zellweger's new look last week. The only possible explanation is that she has been sleeping in an oxygen tent and has been eating nothing but popcorn.

Yours, Terry Bobsleigh

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Dear Sir,

Renee Zellweger looks absolutely fantastic. My sources tell me her secret is eating a Terry's Chocolate Orange every day. Just tap it and unwrap it.

Yours, Jimmy Taylor, President Of Sales For A Popular Chocolate Company [link]

INSIDE: THE DAD'S ARMY FILM - HOW BAD WILL IT ACTUALLY BE, MR MAINWARING?
Dully Mirror

EXCLUSIVE: Ed Miliband To Change Name To Max Miliband

Ed Miliband, the leader of the Labour Party, is to drastically rebrand his image after spin doctors told him Ed was too lefty, we have discovered.

An expert told this newspaper: "When you are called Ed the tabloids will inevitable go for the Red Ed angle. But they can't do that if your name is Max."

Advertising executives said they applauded the move, saying they expect slogans such as "Labour go to the Max".

Max also polled well in the over 70s demographic who like Nigel Farage because he says things that their children tell them they can't because it isn't politically correct.

Nobody was expelled from UKIP.

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Correction: In yesterday's story: 'Is This Where Kim Jong-Un Has Been Hiding For The Last Three Months?' it seems that there a number of errors: The third picture was of a duck pond in South Mimms, we are happy to set the record straight. Naples does not rhyme with nipples as we claimed. Kim Jong-Un cannot do an 'impressive impersonation of Top Gear's 'Mr Slowly' James May' as we reported [link]

IS HUMMUS A BRILLIANT FACE CREAM? PROBABLY NOT SAY EXPERTS
Daily Stir

EXCLUSIVE POLL: Only 0.5% Know Cheryl's Name Is Now Cheryl Ann Fernandez-Versini

Marketing executives behind Cheryl Ann Fernandez-Versini's recent name change from Cheryl Cole were asking what went wrong last night as only 0.5% of people questioned knew her new name and how to spell it in a poll carried out at the weekend.

89% still referred to the singer as Cheryl Cole.

6% As Cheryl Tweedy

4.2% as Cheryl Baker

The X Factor continues.

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

Topless Nigel Farage look-i-likie slammed after appearance on TOWIE

ITV Be To Launch ITV Be x2 Service So You Can Watch Everything At Twice Normal Speed

American Country Star Too Rich To Sing Like Poor Man Any More [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5679, WALRUS
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

When I was growing up there used to be a comedian who then went on Eastenders called Mike Reid who died and there was also a seemingly very sensible chap called Mike Read on Radio One. Imagine my horror if it had been the dead one who had just brought out a UKIP Calypso this week? I don't remember a Halloween build up ever being this scary, do you?

Yours, Ben Bandy

Dear Sir,

Hello deir. I is so upzet at ze zong UKIP Calypso. It shood be banned innit.

Yours, Sir Michael Frobishier, Duke Of Aplomb

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Dear Sir,

Does anybody know if the term ' Nutty as a fruitcake' is politically correct? Clearly fruitcakes don't have nuts in them or they would be called fruit and nut cakes. You English have a very very strange sense of humour... I don't think you listen to people who tell you that enough.

Yours, Jimmy Um-Bongo [link]

INSIDE: LEFT OR RIGHT? WHICH IS BEST? OUR EXPERTS HAVE THEIR SAY
Dully Mirror

Twitter Troll Applauded For Positive Comments On Judy Murray's 'Strictly' Dance

@HoneyBunny254, the well known troller widely criticised for a number of high profile arrestable Twitter attacks this year, has been warmly applauded by critics after positive comments directed towards the hapless dancer Judy Murray on Strictly Come Dancing, Saturday.

Positive comments, known as anti-trolls by some kids under 45, included: "Nice pirouette, you are doing well Mu", "At this rate you're going to make the finals!!!", "Game, pirouette and match, bub!" and "What the deuce, she can dance!"

Unfortunately after those four positive tweets he then said something arrestable.

The Twitter tourettes continues.

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Correction: In yesterday's story: 'Top Gear's Jeremy Clarkson Gets First Speeding Points In 30 Years, He Claims' it seems that there a number of errors: It was Mel Gibson who called the Police Officer who arrested him, "Sugar Tits", we are happy to set the record straight. The correct height order should have been Jeremy Clarkson, James May, a chest of drawers, Richard Hammond and an aardvark. The third picture was not an Argentinian protester twerking in front of the car Jeremy Clarkson left as he fled to Chile as we reported. [link]

IS IT TIME TO BAN SUNGLASSES WHEN EATING INSIDE? YES SAYS EXPERT
Daily Stir

Twitter Troller Hired By Management Training Agency

Jason Bradstone, 35, one of the most arrested Twitter trollers in history, is to be allowed out of jail early after being given a job in the prestigious management training agency, Finkel, Winkle and Fiddle, someone emailed us to say.

His job will be to say arrestable things to managers who will have to control their anger and their response will be graded.

Being able to deal with Twitter troll levels of abuse is a widely sought skill in board room conflicts today, an insider claimed.

The trolling continues.

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

Should Jeremy Clarkson Be Sacked For Getting Three Points On His License? Yes, Say Experts

Is Jeremy Paxman Already Thinking Up Devilish Questions For The General Election When He Is Set To Host Channel 4's Election Coverage?

Is It Too Early To Start Eating Minced Pies For Christmas? Yes, A Bit, Say Experts [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5678, WHOLE GIRAFFE NECK
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I have always been a fan of Sir Richard Branson and try to smile like him for at least 5 hours a day. Unfortunately a man, who bases his scowl on Sir Alan Sugar, has just joined my office bringing down my joy quotient. Should I increase my smiling hourage to 5 and a half hours to compensate?

Yours, Jimmy Kimmelelel

Dear Sir,

Do ducks quack while they fly really really really high up in the air, or do they get sore throats like I do when I fly on an airplane? I bet David Attenborough will omit to tell us this in his new series starting Thursday. It's another BBC cover-up.

Yours, Marcel Fisherman

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Dear Sir,

Thank you so much for all of your suggestions about which cheese I should serve to my woman friend so that I can break up with her with minimal talking. Philadelphia seemed to do the trick quite nicely. Thank you all so much for your suggestions.

Yours, Gentleman Hubert Dufrey [link]

INSIDE: UP OR DOWN? WHICH IS BEST? OUR EXPERTS HAVE THEIR SAY
Dully Mirror

Stage Pet Psychic Wins Critics Over

Chester, England: Sally Oldwoman, 67, had journalists standing on their feed ovating last night after she delivered messages from family pets from across the great divide, we can now report after her husband untied us and let us out of his van.

From messages from pet rabbits gone from this plain of existence over 5 years ago, to dogs recently departed, the stream of messages made people cry, sob and cry again as messages that they were doing well made their owners and a select group of cynical hard nosed skeptical journalists cry too.

"I've been watching this sort of thing for years and before tonight I thought it was all a sham. But today I just don't know any more," said Marg Maoir from the Daily Moan, author of the classical skeptical piece "Stage Psychics Are All Lying Tossers".

"I stand corrected, the readings from the netherworld were impressive. She knew things that only those pets would have known, it was uncanny" said once arch skeptic George Forrester, author of the book "Stage Psychics They Can Kiss My A***."

The build up to halloween continues.

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Correction: In yesterday's story: 'Judy Finnigan Upsets 100,000 on Twitter On First Loose Women Appearance' it seems that there a number of errors: Madge is not Richard Madeley's nickname as we claimed. A loose woman is also defined as an adulteress, a hussy, slut, strumpet, trollop as well as the other definitions we gave, we are happy to set the record straight. Claims we made that Judy Finnigan was channeling Jeremy Clarkson in her comments on her first appearance on Loose Women were made without foundation and just to fill up the page. [link]

WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF YOU TURNED BACK YOUR CLOCK TWO HOURS WHEN EVERYONE ELSE TURN THEIR CLOCKS BACK AN HOUR?
Daily Stir

theVoiceofReason.co.uk Offers Election Debate To The Jim's Of All Major Party's

Essex, London: theVoiceofReason.co.uk has announced it is to host an election debate between just the Jim's of the six major parties.

Speaking at a drinks party, the editor of theVoiceofReason.co.uk said: "It is time to hear what the Jim's of the major parties think and we will finally give them their opportunity."

Jims from any rank in the party will be allowed to represent their party as long as they can string a sentence together. Women named Jim are also welcome.

The Green Party immediately complained about the ruling as they don't have anyone called Jim in their party.

The pre election debate debate continues.

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

Is It Too Late To Become A Candidate In the Rochester By-Election? No, Say Experts

Where To Get Your Nigel Farage Haircut For Under £3

Which Of The Following Are Popular Boris Phrases Or Words And Which Ones Did We Make Up? Jimmy-jams, Ostraciseation, Heffalump, Airportitis? Have your say [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5677, WHOLE TAIL OF HIPOPOTUMUS
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

It is such a shame that National Stir Fry Day is on a Thursday this year. I was hoping it would fall again on a Friday like it did last year.

Yours, Brenda Howel

Dear Sir,

Tell me, and I'm sorry if you've already covered this elsewhere in your newspaper, but if they do eventually lose Kim Jong-Un in North Korea will the next one be called Kim Jong-Deux? Does anybody know?

Yours, Jenny Friendly

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Dear Sir,

Does anybody know what is the best cheese to serve if you are trying to dump a girlfriend?

Yours, Gentleman Hubert Dufrey [link]

INSIDE: IS IT TIME TO GET A NEW HAIRSTYLE? OUR EXPERTS SET OUT YOUR OPTIONS
Dully Mirror

First Poltergeist To Buy New Stuff From Shop Before Throwing It Found

Chester, England: Poltergeists are famous for throwing objects in homes across the world all-of-a-sudden. But this week the world's first poltergeist who buys throwables from a store, brings them back to the house and throws them has been found, we have discovered.

The shocking discovery happened this week in a house in Chester when victims of a Poltergeisting discovered the things being thrown in the middle of the night were not from their own house.

The owner of the house, James Mardell, told this newspaper: "Bright red and pink cushions were being thrown in the living room late at night scaring the cats. But when we looked at the cushions we had never seen them before and we just wouldn't have bought them. The only explanation is that the poltergeist bought them himself and brought them back and threw them. It's quite scary but we had to laugh about it because they weren't our cushions after all."

Professor Dr James Mardell of The University Of The Paranormal explains: "If nobody in the house bought the cushions and they were thrown during the night, a poltergeist buying its own cushions and bringing them back is the only explanation."

The scariness continues.

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Correction: In yesterday's story: 'Twin Peaks To Return For Third Series' it seems that there was an error: The second series was so awful that nobody has ever seen the end of it and not 'just a few people' as we claimed. [permanent link]

SHOULD YOU TURN YOUR CLOCKS BACK AN HOUR, TWO WEEKS EARLY?
Daily Stir

MP Who Refuses To Do Up His Fly To Step Down At Election

Westminster, London: Westminster politics stooped to a new low today as an MP, who refuses to do up his fly, says he is to step down at the next election.

Malcolm Shoebury, 61, has refused to do up his zip since being elected in 2010, saying he enjoys the feeling of air going into his fly.

Although nobody working with him has ever complained, the MP has caused widespread tittering when walking up to lecterns for local speeches and in schools where he often greeted students and their parents with this fly open.

The UKIP surge continues.

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

Is it time for men to stop doing up their fly? Our experts set out their stall

If UKIP get in will the Empire come back? Yes, says expert

Are the next next three funniest phrases in the Boris vocabulary: sock-it-to-me, kinky boots and over-zippy? Have your say [permanent link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5676, WHOLE LEG OF HIPOPOTUMUS
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Am I the only one to think it would be hilarious if the seat UKIP won in the Clacton by election was actually just a deck chair? Ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaa.

Yours, Hugh Pummel

Dear Sir,

Aaah. The smell of candy floss and it's raining on Clacton Pier. That's my idea of a perfect summer holiday.

Yours, Ben Bungee

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Dear Sir,

All this coverage of Clacton and nobody seems to know how many tickets they need for a ride on the dodgems on Clacton Pier. If this is reporting I don't want to be in Europe any more either.

Yours, Sheila Guffy [permanent link]

INSIDE: HOW GAY IS YOUR PHOTO GALLERY ON YOUR PHONE? OUR MOROCCAN POLICE SPECIALISTS GIVE US THEIR VIEWS
The Boobs

Is This Jumping, Human Head Size Spider, The Scariest Thing In The World?

Chester: A human-head spider, a relation to a mouse spider but the size of a human head, has been reported in Chester after it jumped on a man's head while he slept, we have been told in a frantic phone call this morning.

Head sized spider

Human-head spiders are the size of a human head and can fold their bodies up so they can hide in the smallest of bedrooms only to unfold themselves when the lights go out. They then climb up onto the ceiling and position themselves over a human head and then they jump onto it in the night.

One man who was attacked by a human-head spider says it was actually 'a not unpleasant furry warm light thump'. He said: "It wasn't until I put the light on and saw what had just bounced off my head that I jumped about a bit." The human head spider then disappeared and hasn't been seen since.

But spider experts say that human-head spiders don't mean any harm with their antics and may just want a cuddle. "They are attracted by the relative warmth of a head sticking out of a duvet in bedrooms" claimed one fan. "If you want to stop a human head spider jumping on your head during the night the only solution is to make sure your head isn't sticking out from your duvet at night."

Human-head spiders are very light and generally just bounce off unless their little claws can grab on to hair or a nose in which case they can cling on for a bit, say experts. They don't like noise so hysterical screaming generally scares them away.

Has a human-head sized spider jumped on your head? How did you handle the situation? Have your say.

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Moroccan Police Claim iPhone 6 is Gay' it seems that there were a number of errors: Pictures of cats licking are never gay even in Morocco, we are happy to correct our misreporting. IPhone 4 can be upgraded to IOS 8 even in Morocco although it might take up to 5 weeks to do so as police have to check if there are any gay pictures on your phone before you are allowed to download the upgrade. Videos of Freddy Mercury should not be put on your iPhone if traveling to Morocco, the Foreign Office have said.[link]

YOU TOO CAN DANCE LIKE A PROFESSIONAL DANCER AFTER DRINKING ONLY TWO BOTTLES OF WINE ALL AT ONCE. OUR DRUNK DANCE PROFESSIONALS SHOW YOU HOW
Daily Stir

Should Wonga Change It's Name? Have Your Say

Fears for the future of the wildly profitable British money lending service, Wonga, has been plunged into doubt today after comments from the regulator that they are to be forced to change their name, we have heard from a bloke down the pub.

What name should Wonga change it's name to? Have your say:

Jenny, Manchester: Plonga

Fred Basingstoke: Mongo Money

Shelly, Haringey: Poonanny Payday

Gary, Charlotsville: Money Fizz

Harry, London: Barclays Bank

The lending continues.

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

Does Your Phone Pass the Moroccan Police Gay Test? Ten Things To Look For

Will I get arrested if I order sorbet in Morocco? Our travel experts set out their advice

Are the next next three funniest words in the Boris vocabulary: Flibbertigibbet, dillydally and chicken-licken? Have your say [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5675, WHOLE LOBSTER
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Does anybody know if British Bake Off's excellent Mary Berry is related to the delicious Berry Fruits they sell in the supermarkets? They are both delicious with ice cream.

Yours, Duck Guilderstein

Dear Sir,

How disappointing that Greg Wallace has been evicted from the Strictly house. It's another blow to bald dancers across the country.

Yours, Jim Fontleroy

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Dear Sir,

I think I have gone down with flu, but I have read online that the symptoms of Ebola are similar to flu in the early stages. When I phone up work ill would it be better to tell them I have flu or Ebola? I want to make absolutely sure to get the next five days off but I don't want the police to come round. What do you think?

Yours, Charles Bonny [link]