HOW TO DELEGATE IN THE STYLE OF A RUGBY TRY - EXCLUSIVE BUSINESS COURSE
Daily Armstretchograph

The Greek Crisis In A Nutshell For Dummies

Greece needs more Euros.

The banks have eaten all the Euros.

With no new Euros to eat the banks will die.

The Euro will probably continue.

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Glastonbury Crowd Invited Round Mrs Mistelthropes For Tea' it seems that there were a number of errors: Mrs Mistelthrope only offered this the first year when there were only 50 people at the festival and although she has never formally withdrawn her offer she has admitted to friends that she cannot really cope with 175,000 people coming round her cottage for tea, we apologise for printing her full address in the article. Kanye West drinks tea like anybody else, and not with a pretentious straw as we claimed. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRANDCHILDREN, PART 98: IS IT TIME TO UPGRADE MY WINDOWS 95 COMPUTER?
Daily Moan

Is Now The Best Time To Go On Holiday To Greece?

No.

The financial crisis continues.

Also In Today's Paper:

Do Dragons Exist? Former Dragons Den Investor Investigates

Would The Women's Team Beat The Men's England Football Team?

Are You A Sitter Or A Walker? Take Our Brilliant Exercise Quiz [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5745 - GREEK GYROS
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

OK I'm texting you on holiday on one of the Greek Islands. What the hell do I do now? Sit here and look at this beautiful bloody scenery?

Yours, Jimmy Buxton-White

Dear Sir,

I am texting you from Athens as I queue up for my 60 euros for the day. Do you think the people behind me will mind if I look up the balances on ten of my other accounts while I'm there?

Yours, Fred Nimby

Dear Sir,

I've kept some drachmas from a holiday in Greece years ago. Should I take them with me on holiday just to be on the safe side?

Yours, Kevin Dugg [link]

HOW TO DELEGATE WITHOUT EVEN TRYING - EXCLUSIVE BUSINESS COURSE
Daily Armstretchograph

Barack Obama Won White House Charity Quiz On French Presidents In 2014

Barack Obama, the president of the United States of America, a former colony of Great Britain, won a quiz about French Presidents in October 2014, a White House spokesmom admitted last night.

This is the first acknowledgement from the White House that the Commander in Chief was receiving special information about French presidents from intelligence sources, as revealed by Wikileaks this week.

Witnesses have since come forward to confirm that they applauded sycophantically when Obama, 53, adeptly answered questions about shoe sizes, birthdays and what French presidents thought about various US fast food chains.

The spying continues.

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'BBC Apologises For 'Greece's Bastard Trenching' Comments' it seems that there were a number of errors: Bastard Trenching is an old name for Double Digging an activity the Greek government is currently doing with their creditors, we are happy to set the record straight. Greece has lots of islands all of which are surrounded by sea, not just 'some of them', we are happy to correct our reporting. Forever and Ever was a song by Greek singer Demis Rousos and is also how long it will take the Greeks to pay off their debts. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRANDCHILDREN, PART 97: HOW CAN I STOP BEING CHARGED £1MILLION FOR USING APPS?
Daily Moan

Eastern European Workers Set To Force Queen Out Of Buckingham Palace

Workers from Poland, Rumania and other eastern european countries are set to force the Queen to leave Buckingham Palace, her home for the last 1000 years, as they come over here to show off their builders bottoms, critics revealed last night.

The workers, some as young as 21, will be employed to do things like knocking walls down, building walls up again, doing the electrics and even plumbings, according to experts.

Buckingham Palace needs to be renovated or it will fall over, according to a gardener at the BBC.

The Monarchy continues.

Also In Today's Paper:

How To Train Your Dog To Make A Cup Of Tea

How To Train Your Pet Mouse To Do The Dusting In The Hard To Reach Parts Of Your House

How To Train Your Goldfish To Do Your Tax Returns [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5744 - CHEESE ON TOAST WITH WIMBLEDON STRAWBERRIES ON TOP
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

If I go down to Greece it is just my luck that they fall out of the European Union when I'm on holiday there. If they do, will I be able to get home again?

Yours, Jack Bunny

Dear Sir,

I have been saying 'it's all Greek to me' for years. It made me laugh when I discovered the financial trouble Greece is in these days. It's like I knew all along.

Yours, Fred First

Dear Sir,

Imagine my horror when I discovered that Greece is spelled Ελλάδα in Greek. I should imagine with a character set like that on computer keyboards there wouldn't be any room left for the numbers which probably goes to show why they are in the financial mess they are in.

Yours, Harry Horror [link]

HOW TO GET ANYBODY TO MAKE YOU A CUP OF TEA BY SCRATCHING YOUR NOSE - EXCLUSIVE BUSINESS COURSE
Daily Armstretchograph

Fears That Glastonbury Crowd Might Try To Urinate On Kanye West

Fears were growing last night that Glastonbury festival goers will try to give Kanye West a taste of his own medicine by urinating on him as he performs, according to at least one message on Twitter last night.

Glastonbury organisers have already received from police details of people at the festival with extraordinary urine reaching skills that have already been reported to police. But fears were also growing last night that some audience members might put urine in a plastic containers and throw it at the performer.

Kanye West was once described by popular chat show host Jimmy Kimmel as a 'really nice guy', but many disagree.

"Urination is the only way," said one festival goer who emailed in to this newspaper. He reported that he has been keeping his urine in bottles for the last month ready to throw during West's performance.

The weeing continues.

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Red Devils Hero Catches Parachuting Mate Plummeting To His Death' it seems that there were a number of errors: The two of them only clashed in the air with their parachutes getting entangled, there was no plummeting as we reported. A parachute is not made out of cow leather as we claimed. Shouting "Geronimo!" is not a mandatory requirement by the Parachute Regiment when jumping out of a plane as we claimed. [Link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRAND CHILDREN, PART 96: HOW TO USE AN ATM MACHINE
Daily Moan

How To Fight A Jelly Fish

British holiday coasts and beaches are set for a jelly fish invasion, so what happens if you are walking home to your apartment at night after a nights drinking with your woman and a jelly fish picks a fight with you or your partner? Our experts give their invaluable advice.

Whilst British jelly fish are not poisonous they do like to jump up allofasudden and suck on to your face and suffocate you until you die. Grabbing their squishy behind with a firm grasp is normally all you have to do, but some jelly fishes will cling on even after your have taken a handful of their body away. Keep pulling bits off until it's all gone and allow dogs to eat the remains. Try not to scream because it will upset your woman. If the jelly fish does this to your woman take pictures for your mates and then pull the jelly fish off as described earlier.

If you are stung by a jelly fish, urinating on the wound is an old wives tale and doesn't work. The best thing to do is not get stung by one in the first place.

The sunshine continues.

Also In Today's Paper:

10 Things To Do If Your Card Is Chewed Up By Your ATM

10 Things To Do If Your Card Is Chewed Up By A Greek Bank ATM After Monday

Is Greece Really The Word? John Travolta Still Says Yes [Link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5743 - WIMBLEDON STRAWBERRYS AND CREAM
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I am texting this from Stonehenge at the Summer Solstice. I am so emotional there isn't even an Emoji for this. Kudos to The Sun.

Yours, Brian Leviticus

Dear Sir,

I am texting this from Stonehenge where I am in the middle of a Summer Solstice dance. My, this is thirsty work dancing like this. I do hope the Gods have decided that I've brought enough water with me otherwise I will be parched.

Yours, Marcia Hugobris

Dear Sir,

I am texting this from Stonehenge. The stones look much more lumpy from this close up. I really was expecting them to be much less lumpy.

Yours, Harry Livingstone [Link]

HOW TO GET ANYBODY TO MAKE YOU A CUP OF TEA BY SCRATCHING YOUR NOSE - EXCLUSIVE BUSINESS COURSE
Daily Armstretchograph

Chris Evans Is New Jeremy Clarkson On Renamed Ginger Top Gear

After weeks of denying it, Chris Evans has finally agreed to grow a large stomach and die his hair brown in one of the biggest U-turns in broadcasting history since Channel 5 took over Big Brother.

Earlier claims that Evans, 6:30am, was not interested in the role were quashed when it was revealed he was interested in the role.

Chris Evans is the most successful broadcaster in the country, second only to Eamonn Holmes, Clare Balding, Philip Scofield and Terry Wogan.

The Ginger continues.

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'If I Become The New Jeremy Clarkson I Will Eat My Poshest Car, Says Chris Evans (May 2015)' it seems that there were a number of errors: Chris Evans did not say the quote attributed to him in the headline. Nobody has ever eaten a whole car and lived as we claimed. We have absolutely no idea where we got the statement 'Over 57 dwarfs in a mini is the current world record' from. Oops. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRAND CHILDREN, PART 95: HOW TO TELL IF THE APP YOU ARE ABOUT TO BUY IS FREE OR NOT IN THE APP STORE
Daily Moan

Jeremy Clarkson Rules Himself Out As New Host Of TFI Friday

Jeremy Clarkson, the former producer punching presenter at the BBC, has ruled himself out as the new host of TFI Friday, just weeks before it is expected that he will accept the role, it has been agreed last night.

Media pundits, who are paid for each opinion they have, have all agreed that Clarkson, 165 inch waist, is set to do the revamped new show even though he has said he will not do it.

Clarkson, 58, has said he is too old for the job, which brought Chris Evans to stardom back in the 1930s.

The media navel gazing continues.

Also In Today's Paper:

10 Things Chris Evans Isn't Going To Do Next

10 More Things Chris Evans Isn't Going To Do Next

Even 10 More Things Chris Evans Isn't Going To Do Next [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5742 - SHREDDED WHEAT WITH MORE SHREDDED WHEAT
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I am texting this from Ascot. I have just seen a woman in a large hat take a shit on the lawn. This is not what I expected at all.

Yours, Sarah Longleat

Dear Sir,

I am texting this from Ascot. Why is it that women get to wear the hats and men don't? It's sexist.

Yours, Barry Bunion

Dear Sir,

I am texting this from Ascot. I've drunk so much champagne I think I'm going to have to take a whizz. I just hope I can find a toilet shaped hat around here. Is there an app?

Yours, Gideon Fauntleroy [link]

HOW TO GET ANYBODY TO MAKE YOU A CUP OF TEA BY JUST USING YOUR EYES - EXCLUSIVE BUSINESS COURSE
Daily Armstretchograph

Crayyyziest Reality Star Who Has Ever Lived Returns To Big Brother House

The reality star with the crayyyziest eyes in the world returned to the Big Brother house last night in a desperate attempt to get ratings up, critics claimed last night.

BB Legend Nikki 'Grimacing' Grahame pulled faces, emoted, and slagged people off in the first hour of entering the Big Brother house. The last time she was on the show in 2006 she won awards, a record.

The latest plot twist came as media pundits claimed BB contestant and stripping student Marc O'Neill is set to become the most famous Irishman behind Bono in the UK. O'Neill, 5ft 2in, is described as a winning smushing of Terry Wogan and Eamonn Holmes in the body of a YouTube fitness blogger.

The who is she continues.

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Was This The Malaysian Topless Woman Who Actually Caused The Earthquake Our Gap Year Student Was Blamed For?' it seems that there were a number of errors: Gods don't care if men are topless and no Malaysian God has ever caused an earthquake if a man is topless, we are happy to set the record straight. All Malaysian Gods are men, we are happy to type. Malaysian Gods think that woman are OK per se as long as she is wearing a t-shirt or something. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRAND CHILDREN, PART 94: WHAT'S A GEORGE EZRA AND IS HE A BIT LIKE PERRY COMO?
Daily Moan

The Sun Risks Second Earthquake with Page Three Invite To Woman With 'Mountain Rocker Knockers'

The woman who's toplessness rocked a mountain range in Malaysia is being approached by The Sun to get them out again on page three, only months after page three was set to be axed and only days after she caused an earthquake in Malaysia.

Publishers of The Sun defended fears for a second earthquake because they had a brilliant headline for the picture, which is 'Student With The Mountain Rocker Knockers.'

The gap year student who spent three days in a Malaysian jail for angering Malaysia's Gods who made an earthquake happen, accordng to court documents, is now home again.

The topless students continue.

Also In Today's Paper:

Have You Ever Knocked Anything Over While Topless?

Have You Ever Caused An Earthquake While Topless?

Is It Safe To Go Topless In The Park? [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5741 - SHREDDED WHEAT WITH CHOCOLATE BLANCMANGE
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I read your article 'Does Custard Go With Everything?' with concern. I cannot disagree with you more. Custard and cabbage is horrible.

Yours, Fred Pimplewhite

Dear Sir,

Further to your partially excellent article 'Does Custard Go With Everything?' Custard with squashed fruits pie is my favourite, particularly fruits road kill this time of year.

Yours, Benny Smith

Dear Sir,

Oh, shut up: 'Does Custard Go With Everything?' of course it does. It's also a fantastic way of hanging paintings to walls if you have no nails. Just a dollop of custard dried over two days will hold a painting up for ages.

Yours, Percy Fredstone [link]

HOW TO DELEGATE USING OBSCENE FINGER SIGNS - EXCLUSIVE BUSINESS COURSE
Daily Armstretchograph

Magaluf's New Drinking Laws: How Much Does It Cost To Urinate In The Street Now?

A number of our readers have written in to ask how much it costs now to urinate in the streets in Magaluf following the recent law changes.

The new drinking laws have come into force which aim to stop rowdy urinating drunks being rowdy and drunk and urinating.

But what does it mean to the everyday British drinker who saves up all his urine all year for his annual trip to the Spanish resort?

Experts analysed the new laws to find out the various permutations and found that you can even urinate and not pay a penny for spending a penny!

Our lawyers have come up with a number of urination options to suit any holiday makers pocket:

1) Drinking naked and urinating on a pot plant by the curbside £250

2) Drinking naked, urinating on a pot plant by the curbside and when told to stop by a policeman you turn around still urinating and end up urinating on the policeman's shoe. £2200 and a night in jail.

3) Going to the toilet and being too drunk to realise you have forgotten to put your trousers back on but remaining inside the pub £0. Walking out on the streets while drunk and naked £7500 and a 'wei ei' from tourists from Newcastle who see you.

The oi oi mate continues.

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Ant And Dec Earn £23,000 A Day' it seems that there were a number of errors: Ant And Dec have never appeared as nude bare knuckle fighters on Emmerdale as we claimed. There is also a porn team called Ant And Dec in America, we are happy to set the record straight. Ant and Dec were inducted into The Cheeky Chappy Hall Of Fame in 2008 and not 2006 as we reported. [Link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRAND CHILDREN, PART 93: WHAT'S AN ED SHEERAN?
Daily Moan

Russia Striped Of 2058 World Cup

Russia has been stripped of the 2058 World Cup it had secretly been awarded in secret deals revealed last night.

It appears that Russia, 98, had paid for a package of World Cups and not just the one in 2018, insiders claimed last night.

The FIFA faffing continues.

Also In Today's Paper:

Are You Fitter Than Your Dog?

Are You Fatter Than Your Cat?

Are You Fatter Than Your Mice? [Link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5740 - SHREDDED WHEAT WITH RASPBERRY BLANCMANGE
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I read your article 'David Cameron Continues His EU Diplomat Push' with concern. Is the prime minister literally pushing the diplomats about? That's can't be a good sign.

Yours, Gary Drugs

Dear Sir,

Why all this fuss about leaving Europe? Why can we just sneak out the back when nobody's looking?

Yours, Harry Farage

Dear Sir,

Does anybody else fancy dumplings and stew this hot sunny weather, or is it just me?

Yours, Fred Gumption [Link]

HOW TO DELEGATE USING TRIBAL AFRICAN CLICK LANGUAGE - EXCLUSIVE BUSINESS COURSE
Daily Armstretchograph

Supermarkets Recall 'Peanut And Butter Free Peanut Butter' After Peanuts And Butter Found In It

In what has been described as one of the biggest oversights in food marketing history since horse was labeled as cheese four years ago, the major supermarkets are recalling a popular brand of peanut and butter free peanut butter from the shelves.

This after it was discovered that not only did the peanut and butter free peanut butter have peanuts in it, it also had butter too.

The Peanut And Butter Free Peanut Butter had been advertised as the 'most peanuttery and buttery spread without real peanuts and butter in it' in expensive national tv and radio ads, but the product has now been withdrawn now that both peanuts and butter have been found to have been ingredients all the time.

A spokesman for the company said he was sorry for the confusion.

The peanuts continue.

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Cameron Tells Critics in Cabinet On EU Reforms: Buck Me Or I Will Suck You' it seems that there were a number of errors: The headline should have read Cameron Tells Critics in Cabinet On EU Reforms: Back Me Or I Will Sack You we are happy to set the record straight. Angela Merkel should have been spelled AnGela MerKel, we apologise to all Germans reading our newspaper. We would like to apologise for the last apology - this newspaper has never apologised to Germans before and we are not starting now, we are happy to correct our apology. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRAND CHILDREN, PART 92: HOW TO SWEAR LIKE A YOUNGSTER WHEN YOU GET SOMETHING WRONG
Daily Moan

People Who Make Your Sandwiches Can Touch Their Noses With Their Hands While Making Them Shocker

An investigation by this newspaper carried out by looking at a photograph of a factory someplace, shows that workers use the very hands they use to touch their noses when making your sandwiches.

Spreads, some of which look like mucus anyway, could even contain actual mucus if the person making it had a runny nose.

People touch their noses up to 5000 times a day which means that if only one person making your sandwich touches their nose 5000 times a day while making your sandwich that's about a quarter of a touch of the nose per sandwich, according to our calculators...

The sneeze sandwiches continues.

Also In Today's Paper:

Should Making Sandwiches While Topless Be Taboo?

Big Brother Special: Cooking Topless - The Do's And Don'ts

How To Cook Cheese On Toast While Topless [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5739 - SHREDDED WHEAT WITH RED CURRANTS
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

After watching Big Brother I have decided to do all my cooking while topless from now on. My family tell me to put a shirt on when I sit down to eat with them, which I have agreed to, but they all say it tastes so much better when cooked with my boobies out in the fresh air. I would recommend to anybody.

Yours, Sheila Funt

Dear Sir,

I read your article about topless women cooking, however I say it is just not practical for anything more complicated than boiled eggs. Call me old fashioned.

Yours, Jamelia Grayson

Dear Sir,

I always cook on the barbeque topless. My children tell me the burned chest hairs make the sausages taste more rustic. Who am I to argue?

Yours, Betty Smith [link]