HOROSCOPES FOR SEPTEMBER 2017
ARIES Mar 20 - Apr 19

Anvils, molten steel, but not oversized hammers, are moderately starred this month, as are oversized hats and trombones.

Women who inadvertently purr and men who grunt are badly starred particularly in the shower.

Beware the tolling of the bell for which you previously asked whom it tolled. Nothing good will come of it.

Ernest Hemingway tops the charts of dead writers that are enticingly priced reads you should avoid this month, at least until Saturn transects a trajectory of literary significance.

Your faith in corporate governance is about to be tested by an aggressive banker who doesn't know his APR from his elbow. [More horoscopes ==>>]

OUR EXCLUSIVE KEEP BREXITING AND CARRY ON T-SHIRTS SELL OUT
The Thun - The Times spoof

Big Ben's Secret Bongs Discovered

Big Ben bonged yesterday afternoon only days after apparently bonging for the last time before refurbishments inside the tower.

With health and safety concerns thought to be more important than workmen losing their eardrums, Big Ben, now known as Elizabeth, stopped bonging according to official channels for the next 4 years apart from on special occasions.

But yesterday afternoon Big Ben bonged at 3pm, shocking those nearby who heard the bongs and knew that the day was nothing special.

One witness told this newspaper: "I heard the bongs. First I thought it was some kind of recording but then I realised what it was. The bongs were coming from Big Ben!"

We have contacted the Mayor of London for a comment, but at the time of writing have not received a reply.

A scientist told this newspaper: "Technically speaking a bong is the hammer hitting the bell in the Big Ben tower and not the bong sound, but if the bell is not free to bong then nobody at ground level would hear anything. However if an actual bong has been heard then I have no idea what is going on. That would be the seventh craziest thing I have heard all year."

The bonging continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Correction: In yesterday's advertorial: Tourist Burger 'Big Ben Hambongers' Half Price Offer it seems there was an error: The usual price is £22.99 for the Hambonger and not £18.99 as we claimed. We are reluctant to set our advertisers straight. [link]

CONOR MCGREGOR BEATS FLOYD MAYWEATHER T-SHIRTS NOW HALF PRICE
Daily Excrement - Daily Express

Eclipse Proves God Exists, Claims Man In Robes

"The moon is just exactly the right size to fit in front of the Sun which is millions of miles behind it? Give over if you think that is a random occurrence," said a man wearing robes, standing by a river and with angelic music playing behind him, this morning.

Speaking after watching the eclipses this week, many Americans, some as old as 83, declared it was proof that God existed.

They said: "It's the one sign God has given us and science completely ignores it. What are the chances that the moon is just exactly the right size to almost cover the Sun when seen from Earth? Billions to one against. It must be God's work."

A scientist we asked for a comment mumbled incoherently for five minutes before hanging up the phone. He may have been drunk.

The end of the world approaches.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Also In Today's Paper:

10 Things Not To Do During A Total Eclipse

10 Things You Must Do During a Total Eclipse

Numbers Of People Buying Bomb Shelters Explode [link]

KIM JONG-UN DIDN'T PAY FOR CONOR VS MAYWEATHER FIGHT
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Which political party is offering a Smoothie Brexit? That gets my vote. They are delicious, especially the ones with summer fruits in.

Yours, Benny Jones

Dear Sir,

Your article comparing and contrasting Disney's Up to Donald Trump as the old guy and Kim Jong Un as his young male friend made me weep with laughter. Bravo!

Yours, Jerry McEditor

(Video sponsored by linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

If Kim Jong Un becomes a surprise guest on the next series of Celebrity Big Brother is that a good sign or a bad sign as far a nucleararmageddon goes?

Yours, Montgomery Churchill III [link]

OUR EXCLUSIVE KEEP BREXITING AND CARRY ON T-SHIRTS SELL OUT
The Thun - The Times spoof

North Korea Enjoys National Day Of Total Silence

You could literally hear a pin drop in hermit state North Korea today as a National Day of Total Silence was declared.

"A National Day Of Total Silence has never been attempted in a dirty noisy Western country," according to a proud looking North Korean newsreader, his speech silenced with subtitles at the bottom of the screen..

In a day of total silence cars are not allowed on the roads. Bicycles have their bells taken off by the police, and even the snipping sounds of scissors in barber shops are quietened at the risk of being shot.

A National Day Of Total Silence is held annually in North Korea.

If Kim Jong Un was to declare nuclear war today it will be completely unexpected, according to a North Korean expert.

The build up to war continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Correction: In yesterday's story: Ryan Air 'Outside Of Plane Toilets' Is Fake News, Says CEO it seems there was an error: The Donald Trump oversized tennis outfit racket and balls set advertised in the section to the right of the article retails at £56.99, we are happy to set the record straight. [link]

SPECIAL ADVERTISING GIVEAWAY: IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY WITH SPREADABLE PHILLIDELPHIA DANNY DEVITO PASTRY MOLD FOR EVERY READER
Daily Excrement - Daily Express

Donald Trump Is Not Telling Anyone What He Is Doing Next

Donald Trump kept to one of his campaign pledges to not tell foreign countries what he is going to do next, to keep everyone on their toes.

This includes Kim Jong Un, but also includes other world leaders, apart from Theresa May.

"If I tell foreign leaders what I'm going to do next they work out ways of making what I want to do go all wrong," said the President, 71.

"So, for instance, if I am playing golf then they will think that I'm not going to declare a nuclear war. If I am going to declare nuclear war then the last place anybody will expect me to do it is on a golf course. So that is the most likely place I would do it. Or I might not do it there at all because they are expecting it. I'm not telling you until I do it. and I'm not telling you I'm not doing it either, so get that fake news look off your face," said President Trump.

The end of North Korea approaches.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Also In Today's Paper:

Disney's Up is not Kim Jong Un and Donald Trump, confirms executive

Sales of Bomb Shelters Go Through Roof

Numbers Of People Buying Bomb Shelters Explode [link]

IS IT TIME TO RENAME NORTH KOREA ON THE MAPS, ASKS WORLD MAP MAKER FOR 2019 EDITION
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

They criticise Mr Trump for playing too much golf during these times of imminent nuclear war, but I think he is doing the right thing. They say that war is like a game of golf, or so my teachers used to tell me. Oh, hang on a minute, isn't it cricket that is like war? Yes... it's cricket isn't it? Doh! Totally ruins the thrust of my argument. Huh!

Yours, Benny Jones

Dear Sir,

Your article comparing and contrasting Disney's Up to Donald Trump as the old guy and Kim Jong Un as his young male friend made me weep with laughter. Bravo!

Yours, Jerry McEditor

(Video sponsored by linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

If Kim Jong Un becomes a surprise guest on Celebrity Big Brother is that a good sign or a bad sign?

Yours, Montgomery Churchill III [link]

BREXIT NEGOTATIONS PART 26: CHANCES OF A SMOOCHY BREXIT RISE BY 2.5%
The Thun - The Times spoof

UK Government To Offer 40BN In Brexit Divorce Offer

In an attempt to get trade talks going the British government has offered 40 billion to the European Union, but won't say what currency it is.

Talking to this newspaper Theresa May said: "40 billion is a real and sensible offer in a genuine attempt to get trade talks going."

But when asked what currency the 40 billion was May, 61, became unclear.

She said: "40 billion is a lot of money. I mean al-oooooooooo-t of money. And we will give it to them. To get trade talks a going."

But, for example, 40 billion of Bangladesh Taka would be under £400million, according to a website on the internet. 40 billion of Monopoly money would cost about £2.50.

A spokesman for the European Union looked exasperated: "We have got the offer but we need clarification on a number of issues," he said.

The Are We Out Yet Dad continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Correction: In yesterday's story: Is Donald Trump playing too much golf? it seems there was an error: Donald Trump shouted 'Fore' before the ball hit the fellow golfer and not afterwards as we claimed. We are happy to set the record straight. [link]

UK WEATHER WOULD HAVE BEEN MUCH WORSE HAD WE STAYED IN EUROPE, CLAIMS FARAGE
Daily Excrement - Daily Express

White House Making 'Carry On Donald' Movie

Donald Trump is making a Carry On movie in the White House, and this could explain a number of recent events in his new administration, according to a person we met last night.

"Oooh no missus", "Matron! please" and "I'm just keeping a breast of the situation" are just three of the comments heard coming from closed doors in the West Wing in the first six months of the Trump presidency.

Carry On movies were popular British comedies in the 1950s and 60s starring stars such as Barbara Windsor, Sid James and Kenneth Williams.

Kellyanne Conway, a spokesman for the president, is Kenneth Williams. Donald Trump is Sid James. The Mooch is Kenneth Connor. New Chief Of Staff General John Kelly is Hattie Jacques.  

The Ooh no missus continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Also In Today's Paper:

Who Said What? Donald Trump or Kenneth Williams? Take our brilliant Carry On quiz.

Donald Trump Is As Good At Golf As He Says He Is Shocker

Trump Or Cabbage? Take our brilliant picture quiz pages 34-45 [link]

HOW MUCH WOULD YOU PAY TO LEAVE EUROPE? OUR READERS DECIDE
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I read an Enid Blyton book, Five On A Treasure Island, yesterday, for the first time since I was a child. What wholesome fun. There was non binary sexual behaviour, child kidnapping, and use of the word 'queer' throughout. It's good to see things haven't changed much in the last 75 years after all. Bravo!

Yours, Sherry Hearty

Dear Sir,

Thank you for your profile of Donald Trump. I completely agree. If he can hire a man (Steve Bannon) who can perform that act on himself then he can't be all bad.

Yours, Harry Smith

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

I had lunch with Donald Trump once and he ate like a horse. I wondered how much more he could get in his mouth and then he put more in. Even with his mouth full of food he continued to talk as if nothing was in his mouth. A great great man and I am proud to still have the shirt with the food stains on for the future enquiry.

Yours, Harty Mildew II [link]

TAURUS Apr 20 - May 19

Jason Statham should be your role model in any hardware based purchasing activities this month. You may even get a discount if you remove your shirt before lifting heavy supplies of wood to your truck if your BMI is below 24. Ask before your strip to avoid disappointment.

Jupiter and Saturn are in beneficial alliance in any home improvement tasks - apart from that dangerous looking circle sawing thingie that looks like it is begging to remove someone's fingers or hand - no planet in the universe can make that no dang good machine safe and don't believe any horoscope that says they can because they can't...

A large bird, a small furry mammal, or a talkative child, are set to provide moments of danger this month while driving at 10% above or below the speed limit.

This month your destiny is a backseat driver. [MORE]

BREXIT NEGOTATIONS PART 25: WHAT ARE THE CHANCES OF A GENTLE BREXIT?
The Thun - The Times spoof

Donald Trump Gives Sean Spicer 'Beautiful Pardon'

The President of the United States, Donald Trump, has pardoned Sean Spicer in what many believe is practice for a series of further pardons later in the year, according to sources close to the president.

A pardon can be given by the president to excuse people for any federal crime even crimes not committed yet, including when someone has just broken wind, according to a lawyer we read about on the internet.

The chief press officer for President Trump resigned this week claiming he wanted to spend more time with his family. As part of his leaving package the president is said to have drawn a special picture with the words 'I pardon you' on it which is completely legally valid, according to lawyers.

In other pardon news: As speculation grows that Donald Trump will attempt to give himself a pardon, he tweeted this morning that he has actually given himself a pardon even though 'he doesn't need to.' New White House head Anthony Scaramnoucci Scarramoucci will you do the Fandango? told this newspaper: "this shows how generous the president is."

The Russia continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Correction: In yesterday's story: Has Donald Trump Already Pardoned Himself In Secret? it seems there was an error: Naked Shopping is a new craze where women flash their breasts and does not include men with 'large pendulous breasts like Donald Trump' as we reported. We are happy to set the record straight. [link]

BRITAIN SET TO BASK IN WARMEST RAIN IN SUMMER FOR ONE HUNDRED YEARS
Daily Excrement - Daily Express

BBC Women Told: Be More Like Chris Evans If You Want A Rise

The revolting women at the BBC have been told they should be more like Chris Evans if they want a pay rise, in the latest shocking development in the BBC gender pay gap row.

Chris Evans is the highest paid BBC celebrity if you don't include Gary Lineker's other income from BT Sport and Graham Norton's extra £2mn he also gets from So Television which makes his BBC chat show.

Chris Evans came to fame for being an annoying ginger on breakfast television in the 1990s, and today is the most listened to ginger in the world, apart from Ed Sheeran, 24.

Today in Business: Money saving tips for radio producers: Women only radio shows are 40% cheaper to produce than men only radio shows.

The 'Stop the Gap' continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Also In Today's Paper:

Donald Trump Could Pardon Himself Multiple Times, Claims Lawyer

If Donald Trump Just Says 'Pardon', like if he doesn't hear you right and is asking you to repeat what you have just said, Enough? Our Constitutional Lawyer Investigates

Can You Trick Donald Trump To Say Pardon? Take Our Brilliant Quiz [link]

CAN YOU PARDON CORRECTLY? TAKE OUR BRILLIANT QUIZ
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I've been on the London Underground and you are always being told to Mind The Gap. These women at the BBC who are complaining about their wages have only themselves to blame for not listening to this most public of advices.

Yours, Sir Harry Harty

Dear Sir,

I voted 'out' in the Brexit referendum. Then I saw a thing on the telly and decided I wanted to change my mind to 'in'. Then I changed my mind again to 'out'. My friends are calling me Hokie Kokie Stokie, please help.

Yours, Gary Stokie

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

I was not surprised in the slightest to hear that Claudia Winkleman was the top female earner in the recent BBC top earners list. Her surname is very masculine, with both the words 'man' in it, and also the word 'winkle' which I always used to call my penis when I was a young boy.

Yours, Ben McDonald [link]