IS IT SAFE TO USE YOUR IPAD AS AN EARRING? OUR EXPERTS GIVE THEIR ADVICE
The Indigestion

Greece Offers To Settle All Debts With Ouzo

Just days after coming to power, the new governing party in Greece has kicked off debt restructuring negotiations by offering to pay all of Greece's debts off in Ouzo, the aniseed alcoholic drink that tastes of aniseed.

The boost to the Greek Ouzo industry would be significant but at the same time Ouzo could be used by western governments to give to heavy drinkers to make them stop because the taste is so horrible.

An expert in alcohol told this newspaper: "Ouzo is an acquired taste. It's a bit like combining the taste of a licorice allsort with a punch up the nose with a cotton bud."

The Euro crisis is about to continue.

(Video found in our website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Ed Miliband Set To Weaponise MOD Next, Claims Cameron' it seems that there were a number of errors: David Cameron does not wear a wig that he doesn't want his wife to know about as we claimed. Weaponise is spelt with a z in America, we are happy to set the record straight [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRAND CHILDREN, PART 57: HOW TO REPAIR YOUR IPAD WITH A SAW AND DRILL
Daily Mail

Stranger Gives Young Man £50 For His 'Polite' Rottweiler

A passenger on a train gave a young man £50 after a dog was polite to him, it was claimed today.

The money was given to the young man with a letter that said:

"Thank you so much for letting me out of the carriage without your dog biting me. Here is the £50 I agreed to pay which I think was a reasonable compromise for your dog's politeness."

The politeness continues.

(Video found in our website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

Michelle Obama Goes Head-Topless In Saudi Arabia Shocker

Elton John Tells Us He Owns 250,000 Pairs Of Glasses - Is He Joking?

CBB Katie Price: Sponger Or Sponge Eater? [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5703 - PINEAPPLE RINGS FROM A TIN
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Further to your mostly excellent diatribe: "S&P Downgrade Russian Debt To Junkski" will you please stop putting ski at the end of words to Russianise them although you can keep doing it for Chelski because I like that one.

Yours, Pike Mainwaring

Dear Sir,

I have been doing your no diet diet for the last three months and I must complain that I haven't lost a single pound in weight. Will you please tell me what I am doing wrong, I haven't been on a diet for the entire time and it doesn't seem to be working?

Yours, Hilary Paxman

(Video found in our website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Dear Sir,

I have been doing your no diet diet for the last three months and I have lost over 4 stones. I just don't understand how everybody who isn't on a diet can't lose weight just like me.

Yours, Jimmy Douglas [link]

IS IT SAFE TO USE YOUR IPAD AS AN OVEN MIT? OUR EXPERTS GIVE THEIR ADVICE
The Indigestion

Election 2015 Shock Poll: Monster Raving Loony Party Support Surges

With 100 days to go in what could be the most fraught election in living memory a shock poll puts the Monster Raving Loony Party at 34%, the party's highest ever vote. The other parties: UKIP 26%, Conservative Party 22% and Labour 21%, Liberal Democrats lost their deposit.

If this poll is reflected at the general election this means that the Monster Raving Loony Party will have over 240 seats at the next election.

Nick Bobinson of the BBQ said "This is the most unexpected development in the upcoming election to date. It will finally unite the Westminister pundits and cynics of politics in a unique and emphatic way."

Pressure is growing for the Monster Raving Loony Party to be included in the television debates, but its leader has said he will be busy down the pub both nights so told them not to bother.

The election crisis continues.

(Video found in our website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Brian Harvey Explains His YouTube Rant At Radio One' it seems that there were a number of errors: *ankers was neither bankers, tankers, flankers, shankers or hankers as our commentary implied. The song was incorrectly spelled Stain Another Day. It seems that in some editions of the paper we incorrectly redacted the quote in the wrong places and the fourth, twenty-fourth, seventy-third and ninety-fourth **** were clearly visible - we apologise for sounding like Celebrity Big Brother. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRAND CHILDREN, PART 56: WHAT TO DO WITH YOUR NEW IPAD IF YOU HAVEN'T GOT WIFI OR A COMPUTER
Daily Mail

Only Unfunny Picture Of Ed Miliband Sells For £30,000 On Ebay

The only known unfunny picture of Ed Miliband has just sold on Ebay for a record £30,000, according to sources.

By Department of Energy (This file was derived from: Ed Miliband.jpg) [OGL (http://www.nationalarchives.gov.uk/doc/open-government-licence/version/1/)], via Wikimedia Commons

The picture is believed to have been bought by the Conservative Party and will be destroyed as the election nears.

An insider at Conservative Central Office told this newspaper: "We had a budget of up to £3mn to destroy the only unfunny picture of Ed Miliband. This was an unexpected bargain."

The election continues.

(Video found in our website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

Celebrity Big Brother Set To Add Katie Price's Ex-Best Friend Who Cheated On Her With Her Husband, And Her Husband, In Best CBB Twist Yet, Claims Insider

How To Say 'Tell It To The Hand, Sister' In the Style Of Cami-Li Off Big Brother

If It's Armageddon Next Week Should I Give Up On My Diet Plans For 2015? Our Experts Set Out their Stall [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5702 - PINEAPPLE CHUNKS FROM A TIN
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Imagine how disappointed my six year old daughter was when Mickey Dolenz came to open the local monkey sanctuary. We had been reliably informed that he was a real life monkey but when he turned up he was quite clearly a person. How on earth did he ever get away with it in the 1960s? I suppose everyone was off their head on drugs then and nobody noticed. It's a disgrace.

Yours, Michelle Juniper

Dear Sir,

I was listening to the radio the other day and imagine my surprise when I discovered a song sung by a group named Dave Dee, Dozey, Beaky, Mick And Tich and then soon after someone mentioned them on tv's popular Pointless quiz show. Can anybody tell me if I'm living in some sort of Truman Show reality tv series? It is starting to feel like the most likely explanation.

Yours, Fred Happy-Camper

(Video found in our website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Dear Sir,

Chelsea, 2, Bradford City, 4. Chelsea 2. Bradford City 4? Bradford City? 4? Chelsea? 2? I thought that's what you wrote. Hmm.

Yours, Barry Mourhino [link]

IS IT SAFE TO USE YOUR IPAD AS A FRISBEE? OUR EXPERTS GIVE THEIR ADVICE
The Indigestion

Chilcot Report Not Due Out 'Before Third Series Of Broadchurch'

The Chilcot Report is not now expected to be released before the third series of Broadchurch, the once popular itv drama, it was revealed last night.

The long delayed report was believed to be imminent, but its imminence was called into doubt again last night after further delays were noticed including some respondents asking why they hadn't been sent a stamped addressed envelope for their replies.

A spokesman for itv seemed to yelp a little when we asked about a third series of Broadchurch, the second series of which has descended into a confusing mush of shouty lawyering, according to some viewers who are still watching it.

Bookmakers Paddy Punt has said the chances of a third series of Broadchurch were currently 780-1.

The itv continues.

(Video found in our website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Celebrity Big Brother Up For Volume Award' it seems that there were a number of errors: The limit for an airplane coming in to land at Heathrow in the daytime is 94 decibels, there is in fact no limit on Katie Hopkins as we claimed. Callum Best is George Best's son and not Fred West as we reported. Keith Chegwin is also known as Cheggers, we are happy to set the record straight. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRAND CHILDREN, PART 55: DOES YOUR IPAD HAVE A WIFI?
Daily Mail

BBC Losing Money Everytime Someone Clicks On A Website Link

The profligate BBC were forced to admit last night that they were losing money the more people used their expensive internet services, such as iPlayer and the news website.

This is because the BBC refuses to allow advertising on its internety things.

If the BBC added in advertising rather than go for expensive lunches with glasses of wine served at precisely room temperature, it could make millions as peoples eyes are drawn to adverts to make them buy things.

A BBC insider told us it was illegal for them to put advertising on web pages when we phoned for a comment and then made us pay for the call in a typically tightfisted BBC way.

The BBC continues to spend our money.

(Video found in our website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

Man Set To Win £50,000 If Katie Hopkins Wins Big Brother

Is SpaceX's Secret Mission For X Rated Movies In Space? Emails Show Secret Plans

Does Gary Lineaker Look Like Colonel Sanders? These Pictures Will Shock You [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5701- PEACH HALVES FROM A TIN
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I myself am not a fan of The Sun's page three, however I always liked page 4. What will happen to page 4 which we all know is on the back of page three when they stop page 3 as reported in The Times this week? I think we should be told.

Yours, Ken Dumpty

Dear Sir,

The Chilcot Report is taking too long to come out. I suggest if it goes on much longer they launch a judge led inquiry to get to the bottom of it.

Yours, Sir Longjohn Benjamin

(Video found in our website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Dear Sir,

Cadbury's Creme Eggs never tasted better than they did in 1992 when they had an actual hens yolk in them. Yum.

Yours, Preston Garfunkel [link]

IS IT SAFE TO USE YOUR IPAD AS A DRINKS COASTER? OUR EXPERTS GIVE THEIR ADVICE
National Enquirerer

Paparazzi Offered $2.5mn For First Picture Of Pope Punching Someone

Just days after Pope Francis said that if anybody insulted his mother they should expect to get a punch, we, here at The National Enquirerer, have offered $2.5mn to the first paparazzi to picture the Pope punching somebody.

Armed with insults about the Pope's mother, photo takers will be encouraged to shout insults about his mother as he passes by, expecting the Pope to punch somebody and, when he does, the picture could be one of the most valuable Pope pictures in history.

An expert of images on t-shirts told this newspaper: "The image rights of the Pope punching someone, if put on a t-shirt, could out sell all the Keep Calm t-shirts and a new one with the slogan Keep Calm and Punch Like The Pope could be the best selling t-shirt in the shortest time in history."

David Cameron, who said people have a right to insult the Pope's mother, is believed to be the most popular choice for the papal biffing.

The forgiveness continues.

(Video found in our website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Dog Who Looks More Like John Travolta Than John Travolta Does, Needs A Good Home' it seems that there were a number of errors: Boof, the dog, looks like a dog and not 'exactly like John Travolta' as we claimed. John Travolta was known as playing a murderous foul swearing thug in the movie Pulp Fiction and not in Grease as we reported. Wigs-For-You, an online catalogue company, does not offer John Travolta accredited hair pieces as we claimed. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRAND CHILDREN, PART 54: DOES THAT APP THAT SAYS IT MAKES YOUR IPAD WATERPROOF REALLY WORK?
FT

Al Murray Supporters Blamed For Euro Tunnel Closure

Just days after Al Murray announced that one of his comedy pledges at the next election was to brick up the Euro Tunnel, service on the popular under water crossing closed in suspicious circumstances, yesterday.

The police gave a cover story that a fire was to blame for the closure, but skeptics have commented that bricks were seen at the scene. A number of Polish bricklayers are helping police with their enquiries, according to a person who says he intends to vote UKIP.

The Channel Crossing reopened Sunday morning.

(Video found in our website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

Katie Price Ready To 'Confront Her Knockers' In Celebrity Big Brother House, Says Manager

Is The World Ready For A Katie Price And Alexander O'Neal Duet Because That's What's Gonna Happen, Says Music Critic

Is The World Ready For A Katie Hopkins And Katie Price Duet Because That's What's Going To Happen, Says CBB critic [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5700 - PEACH SLICES (NOT THE HALVES) FROM A TIN
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I am driven to complain about an advertising link on one of your web'ternet pages last week on which I clicked: "23 Embarrassing Photos You Won't Believe Actually Happened" I actually could believe numbers 5, 8 and number 10 actually happens to me all the time. I want the time I wasted clicking on the link back please.

Yours, Jemmima Playschool

Dear Sir,

David Cameron is back on telly defending everyone's right to insult people. This would be a vote winner in my opinion if he would be prepared to turn up and let people insult him in the debates but he is running away like a ***& %&&* £$$£ chicken. I do hope you don't censor my insults, I am sure he would approve.

Yours, Barry Chicken

(Video found in our website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Dear Sir,

Now David Cameron has said that everyone has a right to insult him does this mean we can now insult him and his wife and family? I suppose it does. Silly egg headed fool. Ha! Did you see what I just did?

Yours, Dartford Hilton [link]

IS IT SAFE TO GO INTO THE SAUNA WITH YOUR IPAD? OUR EXPERTS GIVE THEIR ADVICE
Cameron Hebdo

I Forgive You All

By Willwal.Willwal at en.wikipedia [GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html)], from Wikimedia Commons

The jokes about lawful things continues.

(Video found in our website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Corrections: In yesterday's story: '£40,000 Bid For Charlie Hebdo On Ebay' it seems that there were a number of errors: Hebdo means Weekly and not Hebdo as we claimed. Paris is the capital city of France. David Cameron was in the Paris march but he was at the far left of the front line, about 8 people away from Angela Merkel who is at the centre of Europe, our picture wasn't wide enough to have him in but he was definitely there, we are happy to set the record straight. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRAND CHILDREN, PART 53: ANGRY BIRDS - IS THERE A STRATEGY OR IS IT JUST RANDOMLY PINGING STUFF?
Cameron Hebdo

My Week

Hello, yours truly here.

Well, what a week? What a week. What-A-WEEK.

As you may have seen on the television I am fresh back from marching for freedom in Paris.

I was here

It made me consider how precious our freedom is in this country.

Freedom to say things and to not say things.

So, for instance, if people want me to do something and I don't want to do something and even though they are bullying me to do something I say freedom means I am free to not do it.

There, I'm glad I've got that off my chest.

Toodle pip, Car x

(Video found in our website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

Will Al Murray Beat Nigel Farage? Our Experts Dribble Incoherently

Celebrity Big Brother's Racist Granddad Has His Say

'Al Murray Sounds A Bit Like Al Qaeda' Says Nigel Farage in What Could Be The Most Bitter Election In History [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5699 - PICKLES FROM A JAR
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Well done to Al Murray for his attempt to defeat Nigel Farage in the general election. But what happens if Murray actually wins? I don't think the country is ready for a comedian in Parliament.

Yours, Jenny Duncan-Smith

Dear Sir,

Does anybody else still have any turkey left over from Christmas? I am getting fed up with turkey sandwiches every day for lunch.

Yours, Ben Hislop

(Video found in our website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Dear Sir,

Well done to Al Murray for having the nerve to offer a policy us ordinary Brits actually understand rather than the gobbledygook economic policies of the other party's. Making each pound worth £1.10 would give us all a 10% pay increase over night. Why haven't the other parties thought of this before, it's sheer genius!

Yours, John Maynard Keynes [link]

IS IT SAFE TO GO SWIMMING WITH YOUR IPAD? OUR EXPERTS GIVE THEIR ADVICE
The Thun

Fears Growing That YouTube Is 'Almost Full Up'

Fears were growing last night that Youtube, the popular video sharing site, is close to getting completely full up.

An expert explained: "If you think of YouTube as like this big video cabinet where you put your VHS tapes, or DVDs, the time will come when you need a bigger cabinet and that time is fast approaching."

YouTube, who employ over 10,000 people to put the VHS tapes and DVDs in when people click play, said they were working on the problem and have asked video watchers to be patient while the tapes are wound back if the site is running a bit slow.

The technological revolution continues.

(Video found in our website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Some Cartoonists Can Be Unfunny Twits, Says Poet' it seems that there were a number of errors: There is no evidence that cartoonists are any more twittish than poets as we claimed. There is no special word for a poet who draws pictures to illustrate their poems, we are happy to set the record straight. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRAND CHILDREN, PART 52: MINECRAFT: HOW TO GET A MORTGAGE ON YOUR HOUSE
Daily Stir

#Je Suis Harry Hill

The entertainment industry was in mourning today following the death of Harry Hill on tv last night during the new series of Stars In Their Eyes.

Twitter erupted with #JeSuisHarryHill in support of the bald comedian with the big collar.

Stars In Their Eyes will continue with him as host again next week.

The itv channel continues.

(Video found in our website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

Should Harry Hill Apologise For Saturday Nights Show? Have Your Say

Katie Hopkins: Hot Or Not?

Self Censorship - Is It Just Being Polite? Our Experts Have Their Say As They Discuss Safe Topics [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5698 - HAM AND CHEESE SANDWICH
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I must complain about your snide comment piece about the marvelous body of water called 'Loch Lochy'. You seemed to imply that the great august naming powers in Scotland must have run out of names.

Yours, Percy Duncan

Dear Sir,

I must complain about Amazon's Fred Mr Tea Infuser, Grey, as advertised on one of your web pages this week:

Mr Grey tea infuser - Amazon

You put the tea in his shorts and then put water in the mug and the tea infuses, making a cup of tea. The problem is when you drink the tea below his waist line it looks like he's taking a pee.

Yours, Murray Char

(Video found in our website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Dear Sir,

David Cameron said with his own mouth that he thought it was a good idea to have these debates in the itv debate in 2010 - why has he changed his mind? Is he self censoring? [Link to the video here]

Yours, Charlie Jesuis [link]

IS IT TIME TO GET A NEW COVER FOR YOUR IPAD? OUR EXPERTS GIVE THEIR ADVICE
The Thun

LibDems Doing Just As Badly On Newly Discovered Earth

Nasa's Keplar telescope has discovered that the LibDems are doing just as badly on a newly discovered Earth like planet it was announced this week, reports our political astrophysicist.

This brings to two the number of planets on which the LibDems look like being annihilated at the next election.

A spokesman for the LibDems on the second earth like planet did not return our calls when we contacted them last night.

The election nears.

(Video found in our website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Weatherman Criticised For 'Wet And Windy' Joke' it seems that there were a number of errors: Wet and windy is defined as raining and winds of over 15mph, we are happy to set the record straight. Rita Ora has apologised for her top that appeared on the telly before the 8pm. A cake modeled on Rita Ora's top on the One Show has now been eaten by cake eaters in Wimbledon. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRAND CHILDREN, PART 51: HOW TO CLICK ON AN APP
Daily Stir

Sainsburys Shares Collapse After Christmas Jumpers Revealed As Biggest Seller Of Christmas

Sainsburys shares collapsed 3% today, wiping over £14 million from its share price, or 56 million pints of milk if you buy the 4 pint bottle for £1.

This after Christmas jumpers were revealed to be the biggest seller, some costing as much as £12.99.

Analysts said they feared returns of the jumpers after Christmas could exceed the number bought, which could spell ruin for the supermarket which announced its results today.

Christmas Jumper

The Black Friday of returns continues.

(Video found in our website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

Stockbroker Given Raise After Running Over Cyclist

Celebrity Big Brother 'May Last Forever This Year', Says Producer

How Many Eggs Can You Fit In A Mini? We Investigate [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5697 - A CHEESE SANDWICH
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

After all these years looking up at the sky, I have known for years that there must be another earth like planet up there. So, thank you to the Kepla telescope people for proving me right all along.

Yours, George History

Dear Sir,

I am a pancake-a-phobic and you can just imagine my horror, as we enter the New Year, to discover that pancake day is once again around the corner.

Yours, Jerry Minefield

(Video found in our website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Dear Sir,

Imagine my horror when playing tongue twisters with my deeply religious grandmother when 'I'm not a chicken plucker I'm a chicken pluckers mate' went horribly wrong. Tongue twisters should have a warning attached to them.

Yours, Shelly Jupiter [link]

SHOULD YOU CLEAN YOUR NEW IPAD WITH SOAP AND A FLANNEL? OUR EXPERTS GIVE THEIR ADVICE
The Thun

Five Things You Should Do In A Job Interview

As millions of people get ready to look for a new job, our employment agency experts give you tips that will ensure your success.

1) If your interviewer is Japanese it is important to get the bow in before the hand shake. Watch to see if your interviewer starts bowing first. Nobody ever bows after sticking their hand out to shake. If you hit heads the interview should be ended there and then even though they are polite about it - klutz.

2) If your interviewer has a Kim Jong-Un hairstyle make up an excuse and leave the building by the nearest exit.

3) The best interests to have are: chess player, violin player, rugby captain, and plate on pole swiveler (but only if it is for a job in a circus).

4) Avoid Jedi mind tricks unless you are a grand master

5) Drink as much coffee as they offer you - it shows you are sociable

The New Year continues.

(Video found in our website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Correction: In yesterday's story: '[Put Celeb Name Here] Has Magical Christmas And Posts These Delightful Snaps' it seems that there was an error: '[Put Celeb Name Here]' should not have been in the headline as we claimed, we should have written Katie Price. [Link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRAND CHILDREN, PART 50: IS A VIDEO LIKE A TELEVISION PROGRAMME?
Daily Stir

Five Things You Shouldn't Do In A Job Interview

As millions of people get ready to look for a new job in the new year, our employment agency suggests things to not do in an interview:

1) Never take a camping stove to an interview to cook breakfast even if you have brought enough eggs for the whole office

2) Never ask a receptionist if you can borrow her make-up even if she asks you if there is anything she can get you

3) High heels that are impossible to walk in should be avoided or else you run the risk of falling over, or at best look like you have a walking impediment

4) Never go to the cloakroom and try on your interviewers coat

5) When asked if you would like a drink never ask for anything usually served with either a little sparkler or an umbrella

The tips continue.

(Video found in our website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

New Year New You: Is It Time To Get A New Cat?

New Year New You: Lose A Stone Or Gain A Stone? Listen To This Advice From Our Astrologer

How To Lay In Bed All Day Just Like A Teenager [Link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5696, FISH SOUP
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Further to your excellent paper filler "10 Things Not To Do During A Bear Attack" I completely agree, I tried texting the emergency services for advice and it took them over 20 minutes to respond.

Yours, Benny Jet

Dear Sir,

Further to your excellent paper filler "10 Things Not To Do During A Phone Conversation" I am living testament to the dangers of flipping pancakes while talking on the phone. The batter never really comes out of the phone if you drop it in the mixture, but the frying pan burns on your fingers do eventually disappear over time.

Yours, Sherry Dubois

(Video found in our website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Dear Sir,

Further to your excellent paper filler "10 Things Not To Ride During A Journey To South America" I completely agree - never try to ride a wild Llama they are really spitty bucky creatures.

Yours, Ben Benjiness [Link]

HOW TO TUNE UP AN IPAD WITH JUST A FLANNEL AND SOAP AND WATER FOR ABSOLUTE BEGINNERS
The Thun

UKIP Member Bought "Jaw-Dropping" Christmas Gifts

Mike Percolator, 28, a UKIP member from Essex, has been expelled from the party after buying "jaw dropping" Christmas gifts for his family.

The BBC have not revealed what the jaw dropping gifts were, but they were mentioned in an interview set to be broadcast in the new year.

The party continues.

(Video found in our new website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Boxing Day Sales Not As Violent As Black Friday' it seems that there were a number of errors: 5% off is not a sale it is just a small reduction. A 28 inch television for under £150 is just too good to miss, according to our shopping martial arts expert. £149.99 is, in fact, cheaper than £150 we are happy to set the record straight. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRAND CHILDREN, PART 49: HOW TO TURN EBOOK PAGES WITH YOUR NOSE
Daily Stir

Baldness breakthrough: Researchers find skin signals that sparks hair growth in mice

Researchers today announce a potential breakthrough in a baldness cure for humans after bald mice started growing hair on their body.

However the new hair grew on the back and shoulders of the mouse and not on the head.

An expert in marketing explained: "There is no money in the hair on the back and shoulders of humans market."

The filling up of this newspaper on a slow news week continues.

(Video found in our new website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

When Ho Ho Ho Isn't Enough

Christmas Leftovers - Which Television Chef Has The Answer?

Is This Nigel Farage's Secret Yuletide Sauce? Our Chefs Investigate [link]

HOW TO UNWRAP ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS THIS CHRISTMAS: NUMBER 5695, BOTTLE OF WATER
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Further to your excellent paper filler "Man Finds £10,000 In Tesco Mince Pie" I just cannot believe that anybody managed to get £10,000 in used notes into a single mince pie. Did you make that up when you were drunk or did Tesco sponsor that story?

Yours, Charlie Bogstandard

Dear Sir,

I understand that Eminem comes out as gay in The Interview, the North Korea bating comedy half released by Sony last week. I feel so relieved that the news is out as I have known this for years.

Yours, Jimmy Christie

(Video found in our new website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Dear Sir,

I understand that Rob Lowe comes out as bald in The Interview, the North Korea bating comedy hacked by North Korea. Thank heavens this is out I have known this for years as I am his wig maker.

Yours, Ben Benjiness [link]