HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN NAKED DONALD TRUMP STATUE
The Thun (spoof of The Times)

Man Ties Dog To Donald Trump Statue's Unmentionables

A man has been criticised for using one of the Donald Trump naked statues to tie his dog to while out on a walk this morning.

Donald Trump naked statue

The man, 27 year old Nebraskan Toby Gonzales, says it was only for a short while and the dog is now fine.

Gonzales, a Trump supporter, welcomed the statue of who he hopes will be the next president of the United States.

"I tied Patch, my dog, to the statue thinking nothing about it until I got home afterwards. I like it when art can serve a useful purpose."

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Correction: In today's story: Donald Trump Naked Statue Attracts Seagulls it seems there was an error: The woman said "Quick get me a piece of paper that seagull has just pooped on my head." And the husband replied: "Don't be silly, love, the bird will be miles away by now." We are happy to set the record straight. [link]

WHO IS THE HEAVIEST TORY MP? THE RESULT MAY SURPRISE YOU
East Angrian Times

GB To Finish Second In Olympic Medals Table, Unless You Use The One Where It's Ordered By Number Of Medals Won Like The Americans Use

Great Britain is to beat China in the Olympic medals table for the first time since Empire if you order it with gold's first, silver second and bronze third. But if you do it like the Americans do we were third, according to experts last night.

Britain uses the one which makes it look higher in the table, as does most American media which said they topped the medals table in Beijing in 2008 when in fact they ended second to China if you order the gold's first.

An analyst of medals tables told this newspaper: "Great Britain has done remarkably well this year, although it's still not as good as the 1908 Olympics in which Great Britain came top."

The National Pat On The Back Week begins.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Also In Today's Paper:

Justin Bieber Sings A Song And Doesn't Fall Off The Stage

Is Justin Bieber This Generation's Val Doonican?

Justin Bieber Voted Most Songful Person In Gateshead For Third Consecutive Year [link]

NUDE DONALD TRUMP STATUE BLAMED FOR CAR CRASH
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Second in the Olympic medals chart if you order it with gold's first, silver second and bronze third? What a remarkable achievement. A little bit less so if you use the one where you order it by the number of medals won but hey, third isn't bad either. Well done Team GB, just more kudos if you use the first table.

Yours, Harry Guffsfthick

Dear Sir,

Well done to the brilliant Team GB, second in the Olympic Tables! Watch this Europe - don't you feel ashamed that you ignored us in Eurovision all these years?

Yours, Mary Johnston

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

What a disappointment, after last week's flesh show to rival Celebrity Big Brother, that Gary Lineker decides to go back to his boring old shirt and trousers on Match Of The Day?

Yours, Ben Dunmow [link]

EXCLUSIVE: JOIN OUR WORKOUT CLASS FLEXIT FOR BREXIT
The Thun (spoof of The Times)

Donald Trump: "My Ron Burgundy Fear Were I To Grow A Moustache"

In one of his most emotional interviews to date, Donald Trump revealed today his fears that people would mistaken him for Ron Burgundy if he grew a mustache.

"I'm not going to do it. They offered me loads of money to do it. I said no. I wouldn't even take $10 million to do it. [Wipes nose with his hand]"

Donald Trump with moustache

If Trump were to grow a mustache and won in November he would be the first US president with a mustache since William Howard Taft, also a Republican.

The Stay Classy America continues

The waiting for Donald Trump's tax return continues

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Correction: In today's story: Donald Trump: "My Ron Burgundy Fear Were I To Grow A Moustache" it seems there was not an error: The Ron Burgundy moustache looks fake too, we are happy to set a number of Twitter trolls straight. [link]

IS THERESA MAY MORE MARGARET THATCHER THAN MARGARET THATCHER WAS?
East Angrian Times

Twitter Celebrated 'World Day Before Yesterday Day' On Wrong Day Claims Organiser

Twitter was blamed for the World Day Before Yesterday Day being celebrated on the wrong day.

The world celebrated the Day Before Yesterday Day on 12th August when in fact it should have been celebrated on 10th August.

The number of world days has increased to 12,366 a new record.

The World Don't Panic Day continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Also In Today's Paper:

Britain Third in Olympics Medal Table

Britain Only Just Behind Most Populous Country in the World In Olympics Medals Table

If You Ignore USA And China, Britain Would Be Top Of Olympics Medals Table [link]

CATS IN SURPRISE MOVE TO ENDORSE TRUMP
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Just imagine how well Mo Farah could have done had he not fallen over during the 10,000 km race? There is a valuable personal achievement lesson to this, but it completely escapes me what it is right now.

Yours, Johnny Gurrutastic

Dear Sir,

I have been having baths all my life and never once has the water gone the shade of green that the Olympic diving pool went. I told you the Brazilians would muck up the Olympics and I was right all along.

Yours, Shelly Stochastic

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

Well done to Gary Lineker for doing Match of the Day in his underpants; although are boxer shorts underpants? I was expecting to be able to criticise the BBC for another Helen Skelton type issue. But alas his baggy shorts covered everything up.

Yours, Gary Tremelo [link]

EXCLUSIVE: BREXIT T-SHIRT FOR EVERY READER
The Thun (spoof of The Times)

Flossing To Be Made Illegal In England

Flossing is to be made illegal in England in one of the first acts of parliament following Brexit, according to the English Anti Flossing League.

Flossing was once regarded as the holy grail of tooth decay prevention, before experts realised it wasn't last week.

One third of people who have never flossed were said to feel vindicated today, but the two thirds who have flossed are set to face possible jail sentences of up to 7 days if they cannot curtail their ways in time for the new act to take effect, expected to be in place by 2032.

10,000 people die a year from flossing, according to figures released by The Anti Flossing League.

The dental work continues

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Correction: In yesterday's story: Shredded Wheat Sues Donald Trump For Hairstyle Comparison it seems there was an error: Donald Trump is 70 we are happy to set the record straight. [link]

MASSEUSE APOLOGISES FOLLOWING MERANGUE, EGG YOLK AND PHISH FOOD BEN AND JERRYS ICE CREAM MIX UP
East Angrian Times

Annual Essex 'Shut Up You Slag!' Gold Medal Won By Mr Timminds

Mr Timminds, 87, of Slaggarts Road, Romford, has won the annual all of Essex 'Shut Up You Slag!' Gold medal.

The annual event, which occurs every four years to coincide with the Olympics, has Essex locals competing in local competitions.

In the 'Shut Up You Slag!' contest a competitor shouts "shut up you slag!" in a fellow Essex person's face as loud as they can. Different age groups compete against each other on a handicapped basis, with people in wheelchairs given a low handicap because they are more difficult to shout in the face of because their faces are closer to the ground.

The TOWIE continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Also In Today's Paper:

How To Impersonate Donald Trump With Just Two Shredded Wheat And A Business Suit

How To Impersonate Hillary Clinton With Just A Mop and A Blue Marks And Spencer Dress [Sponsored]

How To Impersonate Angela Merkel With Just A Mop And An Orange Aldi Dress [Sponsored] [link]

DONALD TRUMP'S DOG TO REMAIN LOYAL TO TRUMP
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Thank you for your exemplary coverage of the Olympics. Especially the diving. It is wonderful to see Tom Daley win the synchronised diving all by himself.

Tom Daley 1

Yours, Belinda Guthrie-Smythsonianmuseum III

Dear Sir,

How did Tom Daley win the synchronised diving bronze medal all by himself?

Tom Daley

Yours, Berton Bundlesthwick

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

Congratulations to Dan Goodfellow for helping Tom Daley get on the back page of the Daily Excruciation today for winning the synchronised diving bronze medal all by himself.

Tom Daley 3

Yours, Sgt Dick Banterslaw [link]

EXCLUSIVE: TEN BREXIT STRATEGIES YOU CAN USE AS CHAT UP LINES IN THE PUB
The Thun (spoof of The Times)

Donald Trunk
Joins The Thun

We are very happy to announce today that Donald Trunk, an elephant at London Zoo, is to join the paper as a columnist for the duration of the US presidential campaign.

Donald Trunk, Columnist [By Muhammad Mahdi Karim FacebookThe making of this document was supported by Wikimedia CH. (Submit your project!)For all the files concerned, please see the category Supported by Wikimedia CH.العربية | বাংলা | Čeština | Deutsch | English | Español | Français | Magyar | Italiano | Македонски | Nederlands | Rumantsch | Sicilianu | +/− - Own work, GFDL 1.2, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=15925090]

If Donald Trump is successful in the US presidential campaign it will be the first time that a columnist with a name similar to the president of the United States has worked for the Thun for over 30 years.

Before that we had a Ronald Rabbit working for us in 1980 before Ronald Reagan came to power.

In his first column on page 15, Trunk, 19, explains that his ears are real and that he loves nothing better than playing a game of golf with his nose.

The dumbing down continues

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Correction: In yesterday's story: I Never Trust A Man Who Doesn't Drink, Apart from Donald Trump Says Dad from off the telly it seems there was an error: Donald Trump is a former reality star and hard worker, we are happy to set the record straight. [link]

HEAD OF POLITICAL CORRECTNESS SUSPENDED FOLLOWING OFFICE PARTY
treehuggian (The Guardian)

Donald Trump To Increase Height Of Wall By 6 Inches Following Criticism

Donald Trump promised to increase the height of the new wall between Mexico and the USA he is building by 6 inches today after being questioned by a Mexican reporter.

Moved to harden his rhetoric today after a Mexican reporter claimed his mouth looked like a 'baboons bottom' when he spoke certain words, he said he was increasing the height of the wall by 6 inches.

After the event Trump, 6ft 3, clarified his position: "That's an average. The wall will range between 8 inches higher to 4 inches higher in places. But it'll be higher don't you worry about that."

The waiting for America to elect Trump as President continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Also In Today's Paper:

Ten More Vulnerable People Donald Trump Could Insult Next

Hillary Clinton May Act Weird But At Least That Is Her Own Hair, Says Campaign Hairdresser

Michael Gove Goes Shark Fishing [link]

DONALD TRUMP'S NAKED WIFE APPEARS ON NEWS WEBSITE
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Isn't it a strange world when the US presidential election is more controversial that Celebrity Big Brother? My sources in the Donald Trump camp told me that last week things got so bad that they had a food fight with a whole chocolate cheesecake in Trump's hair. It puts James Whale pouring coffee over Stephen Bear's head into perspective doesn't it?

Yours, Ben Benturdison

Dear Sir,

I have been watching Celebrity Big Brother and must complain about the f*****g language.

Yours, Mrs Clayton, 87

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

If Donald Trump becomes president am I right to believe it is the first time we have naked pictures of the first lady? What could possibly go wrong?

Yours, Sgt Mick Bantersleigh [link]

EXCLUSIVE: TEN BREXIT STRATEGIES TO USE IN BUSINESS NEGOTIATIONS
The Thun (spoof of The Times)

Smith Family Beats World I-Spy Record As Dover Delays Mount

The Smith family from Ipswich have beaten the world I-Spy record by 3 minutes while waiting in Dover to get through customs in France.

Jenny Smith, 34, won the family competition with 20,573 wins compared to Sam, 7, with 20,456, who came second.

The number of I give ups were 12,376.

The number of times C for cars was the solution was 7,456, a record.

S for sun was close behind being used 6,543 times, according to Charlotte, 9, the family statistician.

The waiting continues

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Correction: In yesterday's story: It's Too Hot, Who's To Blame For This Abomination? it seems there was an error: We have been told that 'Brexit means Brexit' means exactly what it says and does not mean something else, we are happy to set the record straight. [link]

FREE BREXIT RECIPES FOR EVERY READER
treehuggian (The Guardian)

French Border Guard Was 'Single Snarly Dog'

The first car to get through French customs yesterday evening after a 34 hour wait told reporters in Calais that the customs officer they saw was a single dog, that's according to a family of 5 from Surry, the Hottleshot-Smythes.

Gemima Hottleshot-Smythe, 43, told of her frustration that after the wait she was simply waved through after patting the dog on its head.

250,000 people are believed to be waiting to meet the French dog before they are allowed into the country for what is expected to be a particularly sniffy reception across Europe after the Brexit vote.

A spokesman for the French customs office told this newspaper that they were unable to answer our questions until after lunch Wednesday.

The waiting for lunch to end continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Also In Today's Paper:

Ten Games To Play In The Car That Can Last 14 Hours or More

Ten I-Spy With My Little Eye Words They'll Never Ever Get

Michael Gove Gives Us His Cooking Tips [link]

JEREMY CORBYN IMAGE APPEARS IN PIECE OF TOAST
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I have noticed that the really pink to lobster pink suntanned Brits are some of the most hilarious people out there. It's such a shame they are leaving Europe, I was starting to get to like them.

Yours, Harry Osmojunkinski, France

Dear Sir,

I have been sitting here for 24 hours waiting to get into Dover. The queue hasn't moved for 6 hours now. 'Are you absolutely sure this isn't a car park' my husband says. I screamed then realised he was right. I feel like a dufus now. Please don't print this letter I would be embarrassed.

Yours, Jenny Gumption

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

I have an idea for a new tv dating show. People dress up as oversized all over the body football mascots and date each other. Not only would it be hilarious, it would allow some lucrative on screen placement ads to be put in. I am happy to sell my idea for $34mn to any television company who is interested.

Yours, Fred Cowell [link]

EXCLUSIVE: WHEN BREXIT MEANS BREAKFAST - TEN TELL TALE SIGNS
The Thun (spoof of The Times)

'Foreign Secretary Gives Us His Hair Tips' Column Dropped

Today here at The Thun we, with great sadness, drop our exclusive feature with former Foreign Secretary Philip Hammond giving us his weekly hairstyling tips and tricks.

It is our belief that Boris Johnson, the new Foreign Secretary, cannot give us the required gravitas in such an esteemed organ such as wot ours is.

Boris Johnson's hair looks like poop.

That is all.

Editor, The Thun

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Correction: In yesterday's story: 10 More Crazy Things Andrea Leadsom Said it seems there was an error: Andrea Leadsom did not claim to have been told by God that one of her jokes was really funny, we are happy to set the record straight. [link]

FREE BREXIT MOTORING GUIDE FOR EVERY READER
treehuggian (The Guardian)

Plans Uncovered To Trigger Article 5 Ten Times, Says Sturgeon

Secret plans to trigger Article 5 ten times, instead of Article 50 once, have been uncovered this morning. Article 50 is the thingie they say you have to trigger if you want to leave the EU, according to our EU expert.

The claims seemed to be mentioned during an interview on the telly with the Scottish first minister, Nicola Sturgeon, but we were unable to listen to the sound at the time.

Our political correspondent told this newspaper: "Even though I was unable to hear what she said, and am no lip reader, it was clear that her intention was to trigger article 5, say, two times, which would be 8 times too few to allow for a successful Brexit.

A Brexit expert did not return our calls when we called.

The Are We Out Yet? continues.

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Also In Today's Paper:

Controversy As It's Discovered That 'Angela Eagle's Constituency Brick Through Window' Wasn't Through Her Window At All

Andrea Leadsom Told By God To Wear That Orange Dress As 'It Is Hot Today'

"I Wouldn't Trust A Man To Look After My Pet Fish," Says Leadsom [link]

JEREMY CORBYN TO USE THE FORCE TO QUELL DISPUTES IF HE BECOMES PM, SAYS EMAIL
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Well done to Theresa May for making Boris Johnson be Foreign Secretary. There is no better example of a self hair styled man than Boris and he always looks like he has just been through a big explosion which is a useful look these days on the international stage.

Yours, Ben May

Dear Sir,

So Hammond and May are in the cabinet and Jeremy is leader of Her Majesty's Loyal Opposition? These former Top Gear chums didn't waste any time in getting other jobs after leaving the BBC did they? Wa hey hey hey heeeyyyyy!!!

Yours, Chris Evans

(Video found on linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

Are Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston being referred to as Tato in the media yet? It's only a matter of time in my judgment.

Yours, Shirley Potato [link]