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(u/d'td) 16/04/2014
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Sunny Weather

HOW TO GET FANTASTIC ABS IN ONLY 5 SECONDS A DAY

Daily Armstretchograph (Daily Telegraph spoof)

Fiery Ball In Sky Enchants Nation

The Sun
The Sun, 8.7bn

Temperatures, some as high as 21 degrees, are set to enchant the nation this holiday weekend as the country basks in glorious Easter weather, apart from Sunday when it will feel like the moist inside of a tramps coat.

Attractive people, some as young as 19, are set to walk care freely in the outdoors, showing off their bodies, laughing, lightly shoving their friends playfully and eating ice cream out of tubs in the outside with those brilliant little wooden spoons.

"It will be like the last Easter before World War 1 but without the war after it, unless the Ukraine situation worsens but then it will be WW3 this time," said a hairy historian in a baggy white vest and one of those handkerchief hats with knots tied at the corners, last night.

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Police Investigate Ed Balls After Alleged Car Prang' it seems that a number of errors crept in: Pandas, in fact, mate rarely in captivity. Vinegar and white wine, but not Tabasco Sauce and petrol, will remove both red wine stains and tomato ketchup from carpets. The first minister in Scotland is called Alex Salmond and not Alex Salmon, a fish, as we reported. [link]

Heartbleed Attack

HOW TO UNDRESS IN UNDER 2 SECONDS WITHOUT RIPPING ANY OF YOUR CLOTHES

The Treehuggian (spoof of The Guardian)

Open Home Dentistry®™ Software Users Affected By Heartbleed Bug

Software that enables people to drill their own teeth in their own homes using open source software written by dentists has admitted it has been affected badly by the Heartbleed Bug.

A spokesman for the software company told this newspaper:

"A number of drillings have gone on longer than they needed to and a number of users had complained that the drill was making a 'funny whizzy' sound."

Users of the popular software have been advised to not use the system until a patch has been written to stop hackers potentially getting control of some home dentistry operations.

An expert in dental terrorism told this website:

"The fear is that someone will gain control of a home drilling, causing an horrific incident not seen since Dustin Hoffman was attacked in the Marathon Man."

Users have been warned that if their home dentistry drilling operation has been taken over by a terrorist it will feel like their teeth are being drilled by a dentist having an epileptic seizure or is being violently electrocuted, an expert in the software told this newspaper last night.

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'If Britain Wants To Win The Eurovision Song Contest Again It Must Write A Good Song, Says European Bloke' it seems that a number of errors crept in: 'Bingy Bongy Boo Boo' is not Royaume Uni's's Eurovision Song Contest entry in 2014 as we claimed. 'Royaume Uni Null Point' is not the United Kingdom's full name in Europe as we reported. Winston Churchill never sang the United Kingdom's 1957 entry as we claimed. [link]

Dr Ireland

HOW TO WRITE YOUR OWN MONTY PYTHON SKETCH FROM THE 1970s BY PRESSING OUR BRILLIANT FISH PIANO APP

The Treehuggian (spoof of The Guardian)

Irish Doctor Who Meets His Match

Irish Dr Who Speaks To Parliament: Prime Minister David Cameron used all his powers of concentration to stop Irish Dr Who from taking over the country last night using just his eyes and a determined frown, below.

Angry David Cameron

At times smoke could be seen coming from the head of the youngest British Prime Minister since William Pitt The Younger.

"I thought he was going to explode " said one person in the public gallery.

Irish Dr Who
Irish President aka Irish Dr Who

The incident happened live on the BBC Parliament Channel. It was the first time that someone older than the channel's Freeview number has ever spoken to Parliament. The BBC Parliament channel is 81, The Irish Dr Who is 756.

No English people died in the immediate aftermath.

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Man Kills Wife's Pet Ram In Bitter Divorce Battle' it seems that a number of errors crept in: The third, fifth and seventh pictures were of a donkey and not a ram as we claimed. Our reporting was disappointingly vague around paragraph 4-10 - we intended to say that the man killed the wife's ram, a sheep, and not the random access memory in her computer as it appeared we accidentally typed. No gay marriage has ever ended in a ram slaying as we claimed. [link]

LibDems Crisis

IS IT TIME TO MAKE ANSWERING THE DOOR IN JUST YOUR UNDERPANTS ILLEGAL?

The Treehuggian (spoof of The Guardian)

LibDems To Investigate 'Distant Pings' Of Election Interest Picked Up Offshore

The desperate search for a LibDem voter was launched last night after a Chinese ship reported hearing a ping coming from the Sheffield area.

The sound, believed to be a ping from someone willing to vote LibDem in spite of Nick Clegg's performance in the telly debates, was reportedly heard last night but experts immediately said that they cannot be sure the ping was an actual LibDem voter at all.

The search for voters has so far been a desperate affair with nothing found for the last three years.

A public debate between the leader of the LibDems and Nigel Farage, 50, left LibDems upset when their leader, 46, polled fewer votes than David Dimbleby the host.

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'MP Pay Should Be Policed By Newspaper Editors, Says Group' it seems that a number of errors crept in: Piers Morgan did not gain 5 stones while on the 5:2 diet as we claimed. 'Wad Of Money Throwing' is not 'MPs favourite sport' as we claimed. The caption under the third picture should have read "David Cameron Quacks Like A Duck While Wearing Lycra Shorts For Sports Relief." [link]

Vegetable Veritable

IS IT TIME TO MAKE JUSTIN BIEBER ILLEGAL?

Daily Moan (aka Daily Mail)

"If You Can Eat 7 Vegetables A Day There's Nothing Wrong With You," Claim Researchers

People who can eat 7 vegetables a day don't need to see the doctor any more.

That's the NHS money saving conclusion drawn from a UK university who studied what loads of people munched in their mouths.

Doctors, some as young as 26, may ask you to prove that you can't eat 7 vegetables a day before they will see you in new clamp down on the numbers who can see their GP, it was revealed last night.

The research, which seemed to show that you don't die if you eat 7 vegetables or more a day is believed to be correct only on the day you eat the vegetables.

As one commentator noted: "As soon as you feel a little bit offish and can't eat 7 a day you're likely to die at any moment."

The research analysis continues.

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Scientists Work Out How Zebras Got Their Stripes' it seems that a number of errors zigzagged in: The answer to the question 'How many zebras can you get in a London taxi?' was four and not two as we reported. The fourth picture has been removed following a copyright claim from Bestiality News Magazine UK. 'Stop In The Name of Love' was a hit by The Supremes and not The Cookie Monster as we claimed. [link]

Windows Latest

FAT PEOPLE 'BEST AT GUESSING THE NUMBER OF DONUTS IN A BOX', SAYS SURVEY

Daily Moan (Daily Mail Spoof)

Users Of Windows XP Report It's Still Working

Windows XP, which Microsoft stopped supporting last week, is still working for many of its users, it has been revealed.

We asked our readers to write in if Windows XP did anything funny:

"My Windows XP screen went all green last Friday. Luckily we were having a dress-down 70s theme in the office so it fitted right in! Well done Microsoft - brilliant operating system!" PP

"My Windows XP machine started freezing the picture when I was downloading porn a couple of days ago. But that's OK! At my age porn is far too fast to watch anyway. Well done Microsoft for a brilliant operating system!" FS

"My Windows XP machine makes loads of beeping sounds every time I switch it on. I use it as a second alarm clock to wake me up when I doze! Well done Microsoft: it's the best operating system you have ever made!" FS

Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link]

Also In Today's Paper:

Who Killed Who In Last Night's Game Of Thrones

Prince George Looks Delightful In Australia: Pictures Pages 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 15-17

Fortysomethings Always Out Party Twentysomethings Confirms Expert [link]

Bond Pond

DEPUTY DAWG WOULD HAVE BEEN THE WORST JAMES BOND, SAYS SURVEY

Daily Moan (Daily Mail Spoof)

What Was Your Favourite Pierce Brosnan James Bond Moment? Have Your Say

"Pierce Brosnan was by far my most favourite James Bond. He used to run like he was shaking a cocktail in his underpants. He was brilliant." KJ

"For me Pierce Brosnan was Bond. Especially when he spoke in a French accent. When he said 'I am an Officer of the Lauwww' he was simply brilliant." PP

"Nobody could sip a vodka martini in multiple shots more convincingly that Piers Morgan." FS

Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link]

Also In Today's Paper:

Saying That There Are No Losers In This Year's London Marathon Is Taking Inclusiveness To Its Ridiculous Extreme That Only The Political Correctness Police Will Be Happy With, Argues Jan Mope

Aldi To Sell Baby George Jodhpurs For Only £7.99

Tesco's Confirms Horses To Be Allowed BACK Into Supermarkets From Friday - Banned Since Horsemeat Scandal [link]

Monty Direthon

IS IT TIME TO BAN THE OLD BLACK AND WHITE TELLY SERIES OF MONTY PYTHON? OUR TELLY CRITICS SAY YES

The Armstrtchograph (Daily Telegraph)

What Was Your Favourite Monty Python TV Sketch Of The 1970s? Have Your Say

"My favourite Monty Python sketch was the one where they all dressed up in ill fitting women's clothing and threw water in the face of the one if he could be made to accidentally say a Latin word in a high pitched voice that sounded like an ancient Greek one. I had never seen anything quite like it. It was sheer genius." KJ

"I loved the sketch before the classic Spanish Inquisition sketch. It involved Michael Palin dressed as a badger and John Cleese was trying to persuade him to kill himself in the same way that Socrates killed himself. I will never forget the classic line "Socrates, eat the bleedin apple!" I laugh even thinking about it. Sheer brilliance." PP

"I just loved it when a hairy shirtless balding tubby man played the piano badly in a field for the whole 30 minute programme. It was sheer genius. Before that all we had seen on the telly was Liberace. Can you see what the Monty Python lads were doing? They were parodying Liberace by being the exact opposite. Brilliant!" FS

Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link]

Also In Today's Paper:

Calls Grow For The Rest Of Them To Resign

Ten Things To Make Out Of Your Old DVD Collection That You Will Actually Wear

Man Who Regularly Eats 15 Vegetables A Day Dies In Car Accident [link]

Grumpy Shock

IS IT TIME TO BAN 'BUY ONE GET FOUR' FREE DEALS? OUR BARGAIN HUNTER EXPERTS SAY NO

The Armstrtchograph (Daily Telegraph)

Grumpy Cat To Debate Nick Clegg

The calm man of British politics, Nick Clegg, still reeling from losing 2 - 0 to Nigel Farage in the telly debates, has been challenged by YouTube sensation Grumpy Cat's British equivalent to another televised debate, it was revealed last night.

Jeffries, the British Grumpy Cat, is to stand against Clegg, 45, in his Sheffield constituency at the next general election.

The debates, expected before the election in May 2015, are set to screen on the Animal Planet channel, it has been revealed.

"It will give Nick Clegg an opportunity to get his views across to a new audience who are likely to listen to him because he's standing next to a really funny looking cat who can't talk," a LibDem spokesman said last night.

Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link]

Also In Today's Paper:

Calls Grow For Everyone To Resign

Donkey Renamed 'Nick Clegg' By UKIP Member 'Up North'

People Who Eat Fish And Chips Three Times A Week Spend More Money On Carpets, Says Society Of Advertising Buyers [link]

 

Letters England

IS EASTER JUST LIKE MOTHERS DAY BUT THE PRESENTS ARE ALL THE SAME SHAPE? HAVE YOUR SAY

Daily Moan (Daily Mail Spoof)

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

£90 for an England football shirt and they don't even let you choose which colour you can have? It's a rip off.

Yours, Mike Owen

Dear Sir,

Kudos for your well researched article 'I Vomit Every Time I See A Kardashian.' But your article was a bit vague about what happens when he sees a cardigan? The word cardigan is almost the same as Kardashian after all. Huh?

Yours, Jenny Hubris

Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link]

Dear Sir,

Thank you for allowing me to enter your brilliant worst political photograph of the year competition. I got this one of David Cameron in a lift! Going up sir?

David Cameron - head cut off photo

Yours, Terence Canon [link]

Letters Bond

ARE YOU A BROSNAN OR A CRAIG? FIND OUT IN OUR BRILLIANT QUIZ

Daily Moan (Daily Mail Spoof)

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Further to your article 'I Wasn't Ever Good Enough As James Bond, Says Brosnan' I couldn't agree more. Especially that tedious scene when he couldn't get the olive into his vodka martini after flipping it in the air seven times. Even John Cleese's comic timing couldn't save the Brosnan films at the end.

Yours, Harry Sunbeam

Dear Sir,

Further to your shocking article 'I Wasn't Ever Good Enough As James Bond, Says Brosnan'. Brosnan always reminded me of Cliff Richard. It was such a shame he never sang. I am assured by his agent that he has the voice of an angel.

Yours, Jonny Danger

Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link]

Dear Sir,

My family always celebrates Halloween at Easter. The trick or treating is particularly lucrative.

Yours, Jerry Gumby [link]

Letters Monty

ARE YOU A PALIN OR A CLEESE? FIND OUT IN OUR BRILLIANT QUIZ

The Armstrtchograph (Daily Telegraph)

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Further to your article 'A Lot Of Python Was Crap, Says Palin' I can't agree more. Especially that awful sketch when they all spoke in Latin with a regional accent while the one with the beard sang Jerusalem in a high pitched voice while taking a shower.

Yours, Harry Gunbum

Dear Sir,

Further to your shocking article 'A Lot Of Python Was Crap, Says Palin'. Surely everyone can remember that brilliant surreal sketch in which everyone was Dali and they argued over what time it was in various idioms. Where would Ricky Gervais be today without them? Probably at the bottom of the English Channel if truth be told.

Yours, Jonny Rotton

Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link]

Dear Sir,

Michael Palin should watch what he says about Monty Python. A lot of us viewers at the time went through a lot of pain to watch their shows. I'm not talking just about the writing, which at times was dire, but, also, someone had to stand holding the aerial, sometimes at a strange angle just to get a picture. The kids don't know they're born today.

Yours, Merry Christmas-Shrobshire-Throgmorton III [link]

Letters Voters

ARE YOU A 'TOWIE' OR A 'MADE IN CHELSEA'? FIND OUT IN OUR BRILLIANT QUIZ

Daily Moan (The Daily Mail)

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Further to your article '8 Out Of Ten Voters Think Maria Miller should resign'. I suppose you expect me to think that those numbers are a coincidence and you haven't just re jigged the famous survey of cats who like Whiskers from the telly in the 1970s? It's time your editor resigns.

Yours, Bobby Gunfelt

Dear Sir,

Further to your article 'Maria Miller row is at risk of becoming witch-hunt, although, of course, I'm not saying she's an actual witch, says Iain Duncan Smith' I thought the formerly quiet man of British politics struck a firm balance between defending his cabinet colleague and not committing slander from which he would be forced to resign over himself. Congratulations Sir Iain.

Yours, Ben Smiffy

Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link]

Dear Sir,

What with Bruce Forsyth retiring from Strictly, and David Letterman retiring from his chat show in America, I fear that there is a real danger that we are going to run out of television programmes in the next year or so. I hope someone is looking in to this.

Yours, Benny Gararaft-Hubert-Humphries [link]

News Junkie? Rolling Breaking News All Day on Linksdump.com and Ukraine latest on BreakingCrisis.com

Letters Kitten

ARE YOU A DOODAHD? FIND OUT IN OUR BRILLIANT QUIZ

Daily Moan (The Daily Mail)

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

At last scientists have worked out how Zebra's got their stripes. And that if you wear a stripy t-shirt mosquitoes don't bite you. Well, I knew that for years, which is why I have been going to bed in my zebra onesie all this time. Although we don't have much of a mosquito problem here in Kent, I can confirm I have never been bitten by one while wearing my onesie. Fact.

Yours, Brendan Jeffries

Dear Sir,

Congratulations to Michael Gove for his Wham Rap the other day. Although I saw it on April Fools Day the video was genuine, I have been assured.

Yours, Jenny Thatcher

Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link]

Dear Sir,

Imagine how disappointed I was that Michael Gove, see video above above, was asked that he liked rap. I heard he like Frigging In The Rigging by the Sex Pistols. Now that I would love to hear him sing.

Yours, Harry Dupree [link]

 

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