IS THERE ANYTHING HSBC BANK CAN'T DO BRILLIANTLY? NO SAYS OUR ADVERTISING DEPARTMENT
Daily Armstretchograph

Check With Your Newspaper Horoscope Before Calling A Doctor, Says MP

The NHS could save millions of pounds a year if patients spent just two minutes reading their newspaper horoscopes before calling their doctor, a Conservative MP said last night.

He said: "Newspaper horoscopes provide general advice on what to do in your daily lives and if a trip to the doctor is not in there then the chances are a trip to the doctor is not advised and would waste public funds.'

A newspaper horoscopes writer told this newspaper: "It's such a shame that the rich people who buy a quality newspaper, which don't have horoscopes in them, are missing out on such a valuable service."

The horoscopes continue.

(Video found in our website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'I have nothing to do all day other than sing and eat chips, says MP' it seems that there were a number of errors: An MP is not self employed as we reported, MPs get a salary from the public purse. Hong Kong is actually in China and was never physically in Britain until 1999 as we claimed. The odd one out was Chris Paton as we have never heard of any of the others. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRAND CHILDREN, PART 64: WHERE IS THE KEY TO WIND MY IPAD UP?
Daily Mail

Green Leader's Cough Clears Up Nicely

Natalie Bennett, the leader of the Green Party, who's cough at times halted an interview on LBC, has said the cough has cleared up nicely now thank you.

Described as the worst interview by a leader of a political party in history, Natalie Bennett is now being tipped to replace Gordon Bennett as the term for saying 'blimey' in certain east London based sitcoms.

A tissue which was used in the interview has been bought by the Saatchi Gallery and is valued at £2.56.

Nick Ferrari, the interviewer at LBC who caused the coughing fit, has not caught the cold yet.

The election continues.

(Video found in our website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

How To Plan Your Christmas Shopping Trip For the World Cup In 2022

Should Political Leaders Be Questioned When They Have A Cold?

How Much Like Nigel Farage Are You? Take Our Brilliant Quiz [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5711 - QUINOA
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

My heart goes out to brave Natalie Bennett for her cold splattered interview on LBC this week. I run an online media course to show you how to get out of awkward interviews by coughing so loudly the microphone breaks. It's environmentally friendly because you use your own breath.

Yours, Gary Grayson

Dear Sir,

Further to your competition "Which Celebrity Has The Ugliest Feet?" Picture number 2 doesn't count because it was of Elijah Wood starring in the Lord Of The Rings trilogy and those were his prosthetic feet he wore because he was a Hobbit and not his real ones. I want my money back.

Yours, Bernie Jet

(Video found in our website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Dear Sir,

Has anybody noticed how little the term 'Gercha' is used in the papers these days? I remember not 50 years ago when it was in almost every story.

Yours, Chaz Davinson [link]

IS TESCO'S PANCAKE MIX THE MOST BRILLIANT PANCAKE MIX OF THEM ALL? YES SAYS OUR ADVERTISING ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
Daily Armstretchograph

What Has Happened To Today's BBC Now That Children Are Ten Times More Likely To Have 'Done It' In Whodunnits Than The Butler Did, Following Latest Eastenders Murder Shocker?

Children, some as young as 11, are now more likely to have killed someone in a BBC television drama than the butler did, following Eastenders last night.

Only 30 years ago, butlers were the most likely to have murdered someone in television programme's, according to tv listings from the period seen by this newspaper.

One Eastenders viewer Tweeted: "In the old days the butler almost always did it in whodunnits. But today only the very rich can afford a butler, so it's only understandable that someone else is responsible."

The murders continue.

(Video found in our website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Makers Of The Omen Raise Eyebrows At Eastenders Murder Cliffhanger Resolution As 11 Year-Old Bobby Beale Revealed As Perpetrator' it seems that there were a number of errors: Our headline generator malfunctioned, the headline should have read '11 Year Old Killer Revealed On Eastenders'. Eastenders has been on the tv for 30 years and not 300 years as we typed. HSBC is still the best bank in the world and to prove it take a look at our brilliant 10 page advertorial for the bank starting on page 17. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRAND CHILDREN, PART 63: IF I AM CAUGHT TWITCHING ON MY IPAD IS IT A GOOD OR BAD SIGN?
Daily Mail

Funniest Drunk Man In World Revealed

Many people think they get funnier the drunker they get, but Charles Nodules-Komachi Smith of Okinawa in Japan now has the Men's Drinking magazine World's Funniest Drunk certificate to prove it.

Drinking up to two bottles of sake each night, Nodules, 45, has locals in his pub all in stitches at his world class drunken antics, according to regulars in the pub.

A friend said: "Nobody can top Charles for his dazzlingly breathless feats of diving head first into furniture, impressions of his work colleagues, politically astute drunken observations, and toilet based hilarity when drunk. He is a worthy winner."

Over 5000 men from around the world took part in Men's Drinking magazine's four year quest to find the world's funniest drunk.

The drinking continues.

(Video found in our website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

Which Cameron Won A Golden Raspberry Last Night? David Or Kirk? Our Politics Correspondent Reveals All

Is The End Of The World Really Nigh This Time? Greek Finance Minister Tells All

Can Nigel Farage Cook Scones? The General Election Bake Off Commences Today Only In This Paper [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5710 - RICE PUDDING
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Thank you for your entertaining advertising tie-in story "Former Football Hard Man Vinnie Jones Shows Of His Lisp In Spain" I would like to congratulate Mr Jones for his knuckletastic linguistic skills, below.

Yours, Marcello Boombadier

Dear Sir,

Further to your competition "Which Celebrity Has The Hairiest Armpits?" Picture number 4 was Brad Pitt's mustache and not an arm pit at all. I want my money back.

Yours, Bernie Jet

(Video found in our website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Dear Sir,

Has anybody noticed how little the term 'Oh My Giddy Aunt' is used in the papers these days? I remember not 50 years ago when it was in almost every story.

Yours, James Pitterson [link]

IS TESCO'S THE MOST BRILLIANT SUPERMARKET OF THEM ALL? YES SAYS OUR ADVERTISING DEPARTMENT
Daily Armstretchograph

HSBC The 'King Of All Banks', Says Editor

HSBC, the brilliant multinational bank who advertises with us, is determined to overcome the problems in its Swiss branch, a senior source in the bank told us.

HSBC, which has served millions of its customers satisfactorily for many years, is widely regarded as a solid financial institution, and even though something or other has happened in Switzerland, it is only a matter of time before it's brilliance shines through again, according to our financial editor.

HSBC offers loans and savings accounts to millions of happy customers and is a safe place to put your money, according to an insider.

The resignations at the Armstretchograph continue.

(Video found in our website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'HSBC Buys Flowers For Pensioner' it seems that there were a number of errors: A bunch of tulips is called a bunch of tulips and not an Amsterdam of Tulips as we reported. HSBC are a 'BRILLIANT BANK' and not just a 'brilliant bank' as we claimed. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRAND CHILDREN, PART 62: IF MY LIGHTS KEEP FLASHING ON MY WIFI MODEM SHOULD I UNSCREW IT AND LOOK INSIDE?
Daily Mail

Live Action Eastenders Tipped To Go 'Horribly Wrong'

An episode of BBC1's Eastenders is to be screened live as part of the soap's 30 year anniversary in spite of a number of insiders claiming it is only a matter of a few things going wrong and the programme could collapse in front of viewers eyes.

Things that could go wrong tonight include:

1) Actor puts hand in pocket to pay for taxi but pulls out a lit firework instead

2) Actor completely forgets all his lines so reads out his shopping list for his trip to the shops after filming has ended

3) Actor forgets to put his trousers on / they fall down unexpectedly

The Eastenders continues.

(Video found in our website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

Is Custard Pie Throwing The New Pillow Fighting?

Conspiracy Lover Finally Accepts Man Did Walk On Moon

Can Laughing Hysterically For Just 5 Minutes A Day Give You A Six-Pack? [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5709 - NAAN BREAD
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Thank you for your excellent current affairs story "Gang of hammer-wielding thugs who terrorised London's plush Hampstead on mopeds jailed" I would like to stress, however, it wasn't the Hampstead people on mopeds it was the thugs.

Yours, Brenda Thurlbech

Dear Sir,

Does anybody know if giving someone the Heimlich Manoeuvre when you don't really need it, but you could possibly be misconstrued of needing it as you are holding your throat as if you are choking, constitute assault? This man touched the underneath of my breasts and he jerked upwards with some force in the restaurant last night.

Yours, Ben Peacock

(Video found in our website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Dear Sir,

I was thinking of going on holiday to Greece later in the year but I don't want to turn up if they've run out of money (I've seen how angry they gets in restaurants when the plates get smashed.) Has anybody got any advice?

Yours, Kevin Bush [link]

ARE IPADS INDESTRUCTABLE? OUR EXPERTS BASH ONE WITH ONE OF THOSE LOUD DRILLS THEY USE ON ROADS
The Indigestion

UKIP Slamming Documentary Slammed By UKIP

A controversial documentary that predicts what the first 100 days will look like were UKIP to win the general election in May is set to be released, according to insiders.

The documentary shows the country falling apart after UKIP comes to power only to find that in a referendum on leaving Europe, held in July, the country votes to stay in it.

Experts in predictions say this is the worst case scenario, with Nigel Farage now as Prime Minister for the next 5 years, but the country staying firmly in the European Union.

Other predictions include a Scottish terrorist group stealing Britain's nuclear weapons and threatening to fire them on London, breast feeding mothers told to wear a sack in public, and women who don't clean their kitchens forced to wear a t-shirt saying they are a slut.

The documentary, to be shown at 9pm Monday, shows riots sweeping the country apart from in Clacton which becomes the new capital of the country.

The what ifs continue.

(Video found in our website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Should You Leave Your Valentine Love If They Misspelled Your Name On The Card?' it seems that there were a number of errors: Paul Simon's hit was '50 Ways To Leave Your Lover' and not 29 as we claimed. The cheapest Valentine card was in fact an Aldi Value card for 15p, the Tesco Value card was 72p. The sentence at the beginning of paragraph 5 should have started 'A bunch of red roses and a single ticket for the movie 50 Shades Of Grey...' [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRAND CHILDREN, PART 61: SHOULD I PUT ALL MY RETIREMENT FUNDS INTO BITCOIN?
Daily Mail

NASA Celebrates 25 Year Anniversary Of Worst Picture Of Earth Ever Taken

25 years ago today space probe Voyager took what is widely believed to be the worst picture ever taken of planet Earth.

Earth from 1bn miles away

The picture of planet Earth from 1 billion miles away was widely applauded at the time as a technological achievement, but since then experts have realised that it was in fact the worst picture ever taken because you can't see anything.

An observer says: "It's like science took a blurry picture of their girlfriend on holiday on a yacht ten miles out to sea while they were sitting in a hotel room and made out it was something special. It wasn't. It's time science is told what's what."

The Voyager continues.

(Video found in our website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

How Long Is It Until The Next Election? The Last Time We Said 100 Days, But What Is It Right Now? Our Experts Give Their View

Stop Eating, Or Lose Your Benefits So You Can't Afford To Eat? Cameron Applauds Brave New Welfare 'Final Solution'

Can Drinking A Beer A Day Make You A Genius? Latest Study Says Yes [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5708 - QUINOA AND CHEESE
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Thank you for your excellent nature story expose "Pig Thinks He's A Dog." Delightful, although there's no way a nose that wet on a pig is healthy.

Yours, Sheila Oink-Posey

Dear Sir,

Further to your story "Charlie Sheen To Run For President In 2016" am I the only one to think #Winning is an excellent slogan for badges for the presidential campaign? It shows a confidence in yourself to win. And with his father as one of the most popular ex presidents in television history, running against Jeb Bush, a candidate who's brother was the worst president in history, what could possibly go wrong?

Yours, Jenny Sheen

(Video found in our website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Dear Sir,

Congratulations to Pudsey the Dog: the Movie for winning the Barfta for the British Film Of The Year. Woof Woof Woof GOOD BOY!! GOOOOOOO-D BOY!

Yours, Kevin Bush [link]

IS IT SAFE TO TELL YOUR IPAD ALL YOUR SECRETS? OUR EXPERTS GIVE THEIR ADVICE
The Indigestion

Samsung TVs Hacked, Thousands Of Hilarious Arguments Now Online

Just days after the newspapers discovered that Samsung voice activated TVs are listening all the while and sending what they hear to some company or other, a new website has started up with some of the best arguments heard on the tvs, it was explained to us by our tech savvy nephew.

Arguments, some as long as three hours, are set to light up the internet just like Gogglebox but without the fat lumps sitting on sofas. One fan, who has heard the argument Sheila and Bob from Bromley had on 15th January that led to a plate being thrown, told this newspaper: "This has got to be one of the best innovations in interactive technology so far. And users of Samsung TVs have all agreed for their hilarious conversations to be made available online due to a clause in the terms and conditions they agreed to without reading."

The technological revolution continues.

(Video found in our website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Australia To Sing In Eurovision 2015' it seems that there were a number of errors: The odd one out was Dick A Dum Dum by Des O'Connor, again. Paragraph 5: Should have started " Strewth, barby and dingo but not shrimp," [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRAND CHILDREN, PART 60: CAN A CHEAT CODE MAKE YOUR BANK BALANCE GO UP WITHOUT HAVING TO GO TO JAIL AFTERWARDS?
Daily Mail

Man With Swiss Army Knife Donates To Conservative Party

A donor with a Swiss Army knife has given £100,000 to the Conservative Party according to new documents bought by a French newspaper and given for free to the UK tax authorities which did nothing with it for four years, it was revealed last twilight.

The owning of a Swiss Army knife is not in itself illegal, but if it is used to slash tyres or poke fruit in a supermarket without said fruit being purchased afterwards it can lead to legal charges, according to legal experts.

An owner of a Swiss Army knife has never donated to the Labour Party.

This article has been sponsored by Swiss Army Knives International.

The Switzerland continues.

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Also In Today's Paper:

Is It Time To Take Down the Christmas Decorations Yet? Advice To Readers Complaining They Missed Our Advice in January

How To Be Like Katie Hopkins On Twitter: Advice From Our Legal Beagles

Can A Dog Ever Be Trusted To Clean The Bathroom? Our Experts Set Out Their Stall [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5707 - CHOCOLATE CUSTARD
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Thank you for your back door expose "Miliband was 'personally horrid to me', Cameron complains after being branded 'rotten' in volley of abuse during PMQs" Am I to assume Mr Miliband will be using the term 'rotten' more? It's a good word because it implies something is crumbling or something is murky, doesn't it. It's a bit like a Scandi Noir thriller but it's in English and nobody looks like they are strong enough to chop down a tree.

Yours, Ben Dunn

Dear Sir,

I note with a sense of nanny stateism that England has banned smoking in cars with children. But what if I smoke all the way to school to pick the kids up and then stop smoking when I get them but make sure they sit in a really smoky car afterwards? I love hearing their little coughs.

Yours, Sherry Daily

(Video found in our website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Dear Sir,

Just imagine how scary it would be if hippopotamuses one day came out of the water, stood on their hind legs and started singing and dancing with hats and canes? If evolution has taught us anything this is inevitable.

Yours, Sir Brian Hunkerton [link]

IS IT SAFE TO USE YOUR IPAD TO GIVE YOURSELF A MASSAGE? OUR EXPERTS GIVE THEIR ADVICE
The Indigestion

Fears Growing That Onions Are Being Confused With Daffodils

Daffodils, the yellow trumpetty flowery flower, should be moved as far away from onions, the oniony tasting bulb, in homes, in case someone tries to make a sandwich out of them, a memo from the government advised last week.

Supermarkets who put daffodils next to onions on their shelves have been advised to move them 'as far away from each other as possible' fearing that people will buy the daffodils to eat.

Eating a daffodil causes vomiting not exactly like that scene in The Exorcist because the vomit would have more yellowy bits in than the pure pea-soup green in the film, but similar in all other regards, according to experts.

This advice comes just hours after Wales lost to England in the Six Nations rugby tournament. Daffodils are the national symbol of Wales.

Our Welsh friend was too busy avoiding our calls when we called to insult him last night for a comment.

The food continues.

(Video found in our website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Celebrity Big Brother House Is Actually A Bungalow' it seems that there were a number of errors: A bungalow does not have a 'bathroom upstairs' as we claimed. Katie Hopkins entered the Big Brother house as the most unpopular person ever and left the Big Brother house in a horse costume, we are happy to set the record straight. The most popular swear word in this year's Celebrity Big Brother was 'flooby'. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRAND CHILDREN, PART 59: POPULAR QUESTIONS: IS A WIFI BLACKSPOT ANYTHING LIKE A BUTTERFLY?
Daily Mail

America Wants To Change Colour Of Newcastle Brown Ale To Yellow

Drinkers in Newcastle were up in arms last night after it was revealed that Americans are fed up with the brown colour of Newcastle Brown Ale and are going to make it differently.

This after a number of Americans got the early signs of a Geordie accent after drinking the beer.

Bottles of Newcastle Brown Ale are well known in Newcastle, with some selling for as much as £2.37 in an offie.

But English Newcastle Brown supporters said it wouldn't taste the same if it didn't look the shade of brown popular with brown horses.

The way-eii man continues.

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Also In Today's Paper:

How Soon Until Someone In The Media Writes: "Ed Balls Makes Balls-Up In Interview" Comment?

Is It Time For Tea? Download Our App To Find Out

Is This The Angriest Angry Dad Video Ever? Our Experts Set Out Their Stall [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5706 - HAM SANDWICH
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I must complain about your paid for click through ad story '17 Horribly Aged Celebrities.' The third one was a close up of a tree and not Woody Allen as you claimed.

Yours, Benny Gumpton

Dear Sir,

I read your story that Poundland is set to take over the 99p stores. If this happens you mark my words the 99p stores will all go up to a £1. They're vultures.

Yours, Perry Mason

(Video found in our website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Dear Sir,

Just imagine how scary it would be if sharks one day came out of the water and started biting people's legs on land? Don't say I never warned you.

Yours, Katie Hoprice [link]

IS IT SAFE TO USE YOUR IPAD TO GIVE YOUR CAR A JUMP START? OUR EXPERTS GIVE THEIR ADVICE
The Indigestion

Bill Somebody Quits Labour Party

Bill Somebody, a Labour Party member of 15 years standing in Ed Balls constituency, has said he has finally had enough after an incident last week in which Ed Balls forgot his name, again.

This is particularly embarrassing after Ed Balls remembered Bill Somebody in a Newsnight interview this week, below, but that was a different Somebody, apparently.

The forgetment continues.

(Video found in our website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Who Is Updating Perez Hilton's website while he's in the Big Brother house?' it seems that there were a number of errors: Perez Hilton is not 'popping out every day to write articles' as we claimed. Perez Hilton, 35, was ejected from the Big Brother house last night and was not 'definitely going to make it to the final' as we predicted. Big Brother is still called Big Brother even when it is a woman speaking in which case it should be Big Sister, we are happy to set the record straight following a number of complaints. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRAND CHILDREN, PART 58: HOW TO REPAIR YOUR IPAD WITH A CHAINSAW
Daily Mail

Jenny Thingamajig Says She's Interested In Making A Labour Party Donation

Jenny Thingamajig, the multimillionaire behind a number of internet thingies, said she was interested in supporting the Labour Party following the abrupt departure of Bill Somebody as a donor this week.

Bob Whatshisname and Harry Itllcometomeinaminute have been contributors to the Labour Party for many years and are set to continue, they told this newspaper.

The persecution of Ed Balls continues.

(Video found in our website where all the YouTube videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

Countdown: As The Word 'Todgers' Appears On Show, Audience Member 'Needs Time To Himself'

How I Made People Remember My Name - Ed Balls

BBC Beeping Machine Beeper Man Paid £200,000 A Year Shocker [link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5705 - SPOTTED DICK
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Thank you for your brilliant historical report 'Stone age people with big teeth used them to fight with like tusks," but Jeremy Kyle did this quite a few weeks back.

Yours, Jake Buliva

Dear Sir,

I read with interest your story: "TOWIE star has stroke and talks just like Made In Chelsea star". These reality stars are paid far too much, it is a disgrace.

Yours, Johnny Carson

(Video found in our website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Dear Sir,

I am 15 stone overweight and I fear that my boyfriend will get me chocolate for Valentines Day. How should I tell him to buy something more healthy, like a fresh cream fruits of the forest gateau instead?

Yours, Xara Glockenspiel [link]

IS IT SAFE TO USE YOUR IPAD AS A HEATER IN THIS COLD WEATHER? OUR EXPERTS GIVE THEIR ADVICE
The Indigestion

Ed Miliband To Weaponise Bacon Sandwiches

Ed Miliband has secretly told his team that he wants to weaponise bacon sandwiches following months of bacon sandwich eating training he has received from some of the best bacon sandwich eaters in the Labour Party, it has been leaked.

Ed Miliband became famous last year for scrunching up his face while chewing a bacon sandwich and looked like a fly had just flown up his nose at the same time, it is claimed. But sources have told this newspaper that Miliband, 43, is now so good at eating bacon sandwiches if you close your eyes he sounds just like George Clooney eating one.

This brings to three the number of things Ed Miliband has said he is going to weaponise at the next election, the first was the BBC's Nick Robinson, the second was the MOD, and now bacon sandwiches.

The election continues.

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Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Boris Johnson Says Something Revolting' it seems that there were a number of errors: The headline should have read 'Perez Hilton Says Something Revolting'. Perez Hilton is currently in the Celebrity Big Brother house, Boris Johnson is still the Mayor of London and is not in the CBB house. A cock-up is a mistake or an error, we are happy to set the record straight. [Link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRAND CHILDREN, PART 57: HOW TO REPAIR YOUR IPAD WITH A SCREW DRIVER AND WD40
Daily Mail

12 Inch iPad Doomed To Be Used As Drinks Tray In Posh London Houses, Says Expert

A group, who have criticised Apple for designing a 12 inch iPad, have said the new device is doomed to be used as a tray to carry drinks on by people who organise pretentious parties in London, it was claimed last night.

Drinks trays in North London houses have been getting smaller and smaller and 12 inches is the current average, according to party planners we have spoken to.

A 12 inch iPad could be used to carry two glasses of wine and some expensive cheese nibbles you can get from Waitrose, it is believed.

The techtroversy continues.

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Also In Today's Paper:

As Controversial Celebrity Blogger Perez Hilton Gets His Third Warning From Big Brother, How Many More Can He Possibly Get Before He's Kicked Out?

Simon Cowell Laps Water From Saucer After Being Hypnotised By Dog, Pictures

How To Get the Perfect CBB Katie Hopkins Eviction Hair [Link]

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5704 - CUSTARD
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Well done for your excellent paid for link on your website: "The Top Ten Worst Celebrity Body Parts." Am I the only one to be surprised how high up belly buttons came?

Yours, Nicola Polevaulter

Dear Sir,

Well done for your excellent paid for link on your website: "Who's Celebrity Ankles Are These" Who would have guessed how dainty Jonathan Ross's ankles were?

Yours, Fred Buckingham

(Video found in our website where all the videos are under 1 minute ickletube.com [link])

Dear Sir,

Well done for your excellent paid for link on your website: "Which Celebrity Cooked This?" Justin Bieber's Cherry Bakewell Tarts were a complete surprise.

Yours, Xavier Smith [Link]