HOW TO CROON LIKE MICHAEL BUBLE FOR THE MODERN GENTLEMAN
The Thun (Spoof of The Times)

'Who The Fook? Big Brother' "Celebrity" Row Escalates

From Our Middle Earth Correspondent: Channel 5 are to be taken to the Trades Description court for this year's Celebrity Big Brother in which nobody is a celebrity, it has been claimed.

The alleged stars of stage and screen promised by the channel, include some bloke who was on The Apprentice for a little bit, a porn star who's videos retail in porn bargain bins at $3 in America and a bald woman who rattles.

Channel 5 drew particular criticism for allowing a contestant from this year's X Factor, the audition from whom nobody has yet seen on this season's show, being allowed to enter the house with a fanfare normally reserved for people people have actually heard of before.

One viewer texted in to say: "This is taking celebrity austerity too far."

If Channel 5 lose the court case the name of the show will be changed to 'Who The Fook Is This Big Brother' to set it aside from the usual Big Brother in which members of the public nobody has heard of enter.

The end of television continues.

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Oh Yes I Know Who That One Is On CBB, Our Media Expert Claims' it seems that there was an error: The one we thought it was was not Danny Devito as was claimed by our expert, we are happy to set the record straight. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRANDCHILDREN, PART 113: HOW TO ORDER AN MCDONALDS BEFORE YOU EVEN GET TO THE RESTAURANT ON YOUR TABLET (NOT YOUR PRESCRIPTION ONES)
East Angrian Daily Times

Clumsy Segway Cameraman Set To Make Guest Appearance At Local Bank Holiday Fete

Organisers of the Layer under Haye fete, August Bank Holiday Monday 2-5pm, say they have managed to book the Segway cameraman who tripped up world famous running Jamaican Usain Bolt.

The cameraman, who's name we cannot spell, will appear out of the blue and knock people over comedically throughout the day. A fun time will be had by all.

Mayor James Gordenston has asked locals to wear appropriate clothing so that sprawling does not cause any wardrobe malfunctions which might scare the goats.

The local sprawling on the floor continues.

Also In Today's Paper:

Tom's Tombola Only £1 For 5 tickets

Local X Factor Contest At Fete Set To Draw Crowd

Mayor To Open Fete For 7th Time [link]

YOUR GUIDE TO Z LIST CELEBRITIES PART 34, As - Au
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Could someone please end an argument I'm having with my husband. He insists the ice cream make is Ben and Johnny's when everybody knows it is Ben and Jimmy's. He's an idiot.

Yours, Karen Thrush

Dear Sir,

I'm having an argument with my girlfriend. She keeps pronouncing the Ben and Jerry's 'Phish Food' as Pish, Pish Food makes no sense. Someone tell her, she's not talking to me any more.

Yours, Graham Jones

Dear Sir,

Has anybody tried what I think they call chips. They are fried sliced potatoes. They are absolutely delicious with salt and vinegar or some tomato sauce.

Yours, Harry Stupors [link]

HOW TO WEAR A LION FACE T-SHIRT FOR THE MODERN GENTLEPOPSTAR
The Thun (Spoof of The Times)

Confusion Grows Over Ed Sheeran's Chest

From Our Middle England Correspondent: Ed Sheeran, the pop prince who performs all on his ownsome with just an acoustic guitar and beat box to tens of thousands of people a night, apologised for claiming he faked a blank chest, earlier.

He revealed that he had simply painted over a lion tattoo he had recently had tattooed on his chest.

Sheeran's lion chest tattoo has been widely criticised in the media with a number of famous people venting their rage, including:

Robert Mugabe, President of Zimbabwe, "Eeek. That's so realistic I hope no American dentist shoots him."

Kurt Thomas, of US Dentists Against Lions, told this newspaper: "I have advised my members to shoot him if he takes his shirt off."

The end of pop as we know it continues.

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Oranges Could Be Elixir Of Life, Claims Expert' it seems that there were a number of errors: The word expert in the headline should have been typed as 'expert', we are happy to clarify. The 'expert' we quoted widely was in fact a grocer and futures trader in Oranges and was not an 'impartial observer' as we claimed. Oranges are in fact orange in colour, we are happy to set our slipshod reporting straight. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRANDCHILDREN, PART 112: CAN RIDING A SEGWAY HELP COORDINATION FOR FAT CLUMSY CHILDREN?
East Angrian Daily Times

Clumsy Segway Cameraman Still Booked For Next G8 Meeting

The Segway cameraman who controversially managed to catch up with the world's fastest man Usain Bolt from behind, has not had his booking to cover the next G8 meeting of world leaders cancelled, we have been told.

The danger that a number of high profile world leaders could be made to sprawl on the floor comedically hasn't stopped the man, who's name we can't pronounce, from having second thoughts about turning up for the event.

A spokesman for G8 security told this newspaper: "Segway cameramen have a very powerful union and we're not canceling him. World leaders have been told to wear pads just in case."

The sprawling on the floor continues.

Also In Today's Paper:

How To Drive A Segway

How To Drive A Segway And Use Your Camera At The Same Time

How To Become A Youtube Sensation By Driving Your Segway Into Famous People And Making Them Fall Over [link]

ALL WORLD'S LOST BIROS WASH UP ON REUNION ISLAND
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Has anybody else noticed how warm ice cream is these days? When I was a kid it was really cold. Is this another sign of global warming?

Yours, Sheila Sheilason

Dear Sir,

Imagine my horror when I bought an ice cream the other day and it was so cold. My, how times have changed, ice cream in the past used to be much warmer than it is today.

Yours, Bob Bing

Dear Sir,

Has anybody tried what I think they call a Cornetto? They are absolutely lovely and you don't have to find a bin for the stick afterwards because you eat the stick! Who comes up with these brilliant ideas?

Yours, Sebastian Grey [link]

HOW TO WEAR AN IRONIC T-SHIRT WITH JEREMY CORBYN'S IMAGE ON FOR THE MODERN CONSERVATIVE
The Thun (Spoof of The Times)

One Direction To Split Into Multitudinous New Directions

From Our Pop Correspondent: One Direction, the phenomenally successful boy band created by Simon Cowell on X Factor, is to explode into their constituent parts in March 2016 after a period of phenomenally successful boy bandedness.

You can already hear a number of youngsters crying at the prospect of having to pay up to 5 times the amount of money to follow all the former band members once they start a'churning out pop tunes on their own, our economics correspondent forecasted.

Twitter imploded as teens, some as young as 8, took to the social media site to cry openly with their fingers and at length in 140 characters or less unless they chose to write two tweets and then link them in their tearfulness.

One wrote: "Aw Lawdy. One Direction is a'endin. Hush my tears. Cows to milk."

Another wrote: "I never knew love like this before. But all things must come to an end now they are breaking up into their constituent parts. Kinda lingers."

The end of pop as we know it continues.

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Ashley Madison Database Leak Helps Save Man's Life' it seems that there were a number of errors: The vibrate feature on Ashley Madison's mobile message service is a premium service and not a service on the free version as we claimed. There is no free version of Ashley Madison as our previous apology claimed, people are happy to pay a premium for state of the art security to stop anybody finding out their adulterousness. We would like to apologise for claiming that Ashley Madison had 'special security to prevent details of adulterous affairs ever being revealed', it was bog standard at best, we are happy to set the record straight. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRANDCHILDREN, PART 112: CAN VITAMIN TABLETS HELP YOU TYPE FASTER?
East Angrian Daily Times

Cats Learning To Talk Like In Planet Of The Apes, But Like Cats

Local cats could be about to start talking just like a cat on Youtube, below, in what could be their biggest evolutionary step so far as they start to pick up vocabulary from locals.

In the video, left, a cat is visibly seen telling its owners 'no more' when taking a bath. It is not clear if the maker of the video didn't dub in the 'no more' words in a high pitched voice himself or got his wife or a friend to do it.

The videos continue.

Also In Today's Paper:

10 Things Your Cat Can Tell You Now

What Can I Do If My Cat Starts Talking To Me In A Local Accent?

Top 10 Conversations You Can Now Have With Your Cat [link]

STRETCH ARMSTRONG WASHES UP ON REUNION ISLAND
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

If cats could talk in real life just imagine how annoying they would be. I'm thinking like Katie Hopkins but hairier and you wouldn't want to go to the bathroom with them in there because you wouldn't know what they would tweet about next.

Yours, Jane 'Cat Person' Daily

Dear Sir,

I am fully aware of how men always like to comment on how women dress and it's a sign women are being judged on a different criteria to men. I totally get that. But having said that, what the ruddy cluck is this North Korean newsreader wearing? Pajama's with a stab vest? What is that girl thinking?

North Korea Newsreader

Yours, Bob Bobstone

Dear Sir,

Well done to Grace Jones for shocking us even though she is 66 years young with her naked dancing on stage. Thank heavens she didn't put on on some pajama's and a stab vest.

Yours, Cmd Ying Tok, North Korean Entertainment Today [link]

HOW TO WEAR A T-SHIRT WITH FAKE CHEST ON AT THE BEACH FOR THE MODERN GENTLEMAN
The Thun (Spoof of The Times)

55,000 MP Names Could Be In Ashley Madison Database

Fears were growing last night that a number of high profile politicians have been named in the now leaked Ashley Madison database.

The website apparently asked for people to identify themselves with an email address, but it is claimed that these were not checked so could mean that anybody could have claimed to be anybody else when logging in to the site for the very first time.

One MP has already been named, but it could be that she is an innocent bystander and not an adulterous vixen after all, according to some typing undertaken by this newspaper.

As one wildly successful adulterer told this newspaper: "What better way than to log in using your own MPs details and then go on to have adulterous adventures. I have used my MPs name of course, along with a number of popular Hollywood stars past and present. One of the best shags I have ever had was as Cary Grant."

An expert told this newspaper: "MPs could be in for a rough time if nobody believes them. Although if 1.2million people really are in the UK version of the site what are the chances?"

Our lawyers continue to sweat.

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'I Am On Ashley Madison Database But It's Not Me, Says SNP MP' it seems that there was an error: The correct term should have been 'tit caught in the wringer', we are happy to set the record straight. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRANDCHILDREN, PART 112: CAN VITAMIN TABLETS HELP YOU TYPE FASTER?
East Angrian Daily Times

Local Man Named In Ashley Madison Database Died With Smile On Face

The cheeky smile on a local man from Layer Under Haye, who died last year, has finally been explained after his name was found on the Ashley Madison database.

Whilst Roger Hartleshort, 87, had never been married himself, he regularly told people he was to make himself seems more desirable, he even put a ring on his finger at times.

So when he was found dead in his flat with a bizarre smile on his face last year friends were surprised.

One of his dearest friends told this newspaper: "Roger was a miserable old sod, but when he died it did seem that he was happy. If he was as active a member on Ashley Madison as it looks then I can see why he died with that smile."

The Ashley Madison fallout continues.

Also In Today's Paper:

Top 10 Excuses If Your Name Is Found On the Ashley Madison Database

What To Do If Your Name Is Ashley Madison?

How To Increase Your Street Cred By Pretending To Be On The Ashley Madison Database [link]

RONCO PET GROOMER WASHES UP ON REUNION ISLAND
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I was not on the Ashley Madison database even though my name was. Who put that there? Someone having a jape obviously. Thank heavens my wife left me after I had an affair, she would have killed me twice.

Yours, Benny Fredstone

Dear Sir,

Am I the only person to find being on the Ashley Madison database just got more dangerous and therefore more exciting? I can't wait to be found out.

Yours, Bob Bobstone

Dear Sir,

It is such a shame that Benedict Cumberpatch has been told to do the 'to be or not to be' bit in the middle of the play. I was hoping to pop in, see the start, watch the best bit, and then pop off again. I didn't really want to sit through that starchy play again even if the bad guy is from Star Trek.

Yours, Harry Flintwith [link]

HOW TO WEAR A T-SHIRT WITH FAKE ABS ON AT THE BEACH FOR THE MODERN GENTLEMAN
The Thun (Spoof of The Times)

'Hemsworth's Abs Are Fantastic Really Up Close,' Says Vacation Co-Star

Chris Hemsworth's abs look fantastically firm up close, a co-star on his latest film, Vacation, reveals to this newspaper.

Hemworth, 34, who came to fame as Thor and before that as a buff surfer bloke on Home and Away, the Aussie soap, spends five hours a day working on his abs which includes crunching, smunching and bruving to get role ready, according to his publicist who has since been sacked.

Chris Hemsworth Abs - Vacation 2015

The buffness continues.

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Man Breaks Nose Trying To Get Chris Hemsworth Six Pack' it seems that there were a number of errors: A six pack can also refer to six beers in a pack, we are happy to set the record straight. Some people also have 10 packs but that is more likely to be a 10 pack of beers, regardless of the nonsense we spouted. Chris Hemsworth is Australian and appeared on Home And Away the soap opera from which his image was taken and appeared on a towel and bathroom set and not the other way around as the advertisement seemed to imply on the page.[link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRANDCHILDREN, PART 111: SHOULD YOU EAT HIGH TECH MUSHY PEAS WITH A LOW TECH FORK?
East Angrian Daily Times

'Hemsworth's Abs Look Fantastic At Back Of Cinema,' Says Local Manager

With Vacation, the new comedy starring Chris Hemsworth with his shirt off, opening this week in Lower under Haye, everyone is swooning at the buffness of the Hollywood superstar who came to Layer under Haye in August 2006 on a family holiday before he found fame.

Harry Sullivan, the manager of the Odeon showing t'film, says he has seen Vacation with his own eyes himself and says it's well worth a trip to the local 50 seater cinema to see it yourself too.

Talking to our reporter he said: "I watch all the movies we show here in Lower under Haye and this is one of the buffest performances I have ever seen at either the 2:30, the 5:45 or the 7:55 showings, bring your friends for a wonderful time."

Only one employee of the newspaper got two free tickets to see the movie as agreed after printing this piece.

The local shirtless frenzy continues.

Also In Today's Paper:

How To Get A 6 Pack Like Chris Hemsworth

Try This Exercise In The Morning To Get A Chris Hemsworth Six Pack

I Tried The Chris Hemsworth Six Pack Workout And All I Got Was This Droopy One Pack, Says Our Brilliant Local Controversial Columnist Katie Hopkirk [link]

COPY OF DAILY MAIL TV GUIDE WASHES UP ON REUNION ISLAND
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I think we can all agree that Chris Hemsworth's abs are some of the best abdominal's on the planet at this moment. But can he lead the Labour Party? I think not.

Yours, Jimmy Corbyn

Dear Sir,

The supposition that a set of abdominal muscles is suitable to lead a modern political party in the UK is quite ridiculous. We want policy not washboard abs in the Labour Party, regardless of what the Murdoch papers want.

Yours, Mini Cooper

Dear Sir,

Andy Burnham has abs just like Chris Hemsworth's, that is why I will be voting for him in the Labour leadership poll if I was allowed to vote if I wasn't family.

Yours, Mandy Burnham [link]

HOW TO WEAR A KERCHIEF IN YOUR TOP POCKET THE WAY THE MODERN GENTLEMAN WEARS THEM
The Thun (Spoof of The Times)

Video Emerges Of A Young Jeremy Corbyn Shouting At Maggie Thatcher

The soon to be new leader of the Labour Party, Jeremy Corbyn, once shouted at Margaret Thatcher, video seen by this newspaper shows.

In the video, the clearly angry Corbyn asked some question or other which the prime minister answered after removing her owl shaped glasses, popular at the time.

Thatcher, 92, hooted at the folk singer looking Labour politician from Islington and then blamed it all on the local authorities.

"If you want spectacles like Maggie you'll have to go to Specsavers," said a man. [SPONSORED]

The homelessness continues.

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'One Year On From Robbie Williams Death' it seems that there were a number of errors: It was Robin Williams who died a year ago and not popular pop prince lad Robbie Williams as the headline reported. Robin Williams was not a member of Take That as we claimed. Robin Williams did not leave Take That and start a solo career on his own we are happy to set the record straight. [LINK]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRANDCHILDREN, PART 110: WHAT TO WEAR WHEN YOU SKYPE ON CAM
East Angrian Daily Times

Margaret Thatcher Removes Glasses To Shout At Jeremy Corbyn

Video has emerged on t'internet showing a rattled prime minister, Margaret Thatcher, shouting at Jeremy Corbyn, who looked like a folk singer, it has been reported in The Thun.

The video, taken from a prime minister's question time while Margaret Thatcher was still alive, shows the beardy Labour leftie barely containing his rage that poor people were sleeping on the streets.

If Jeremy Corbyn is elected leader of the Labour Party all hell will break loose, it is claimed.

The up the creek without a paddle continues.

Also In Today's Paper:

What If Jeremy Corbyn Is Really Good?

What If Jeremy Corbyn Turns Into A Lefty Nigel Farage Popularitywise?

Jeremy Corbyn vs David Cameron At PMQs Electric? Or A Damp Squib? [LINK]

COPY OF DAILY MAIL WASHES UP ON REUNION ISLAND
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I would dislike Jeremy Corbyn if he wasn't so damn sexy. Easily the sexiest party leader if he wins.

Yours, Fred Flintstone

Dear Sir,

My opinion on the Jeremy Corbyn leader of the Labour Party thing? Give me a grizzled leftie any day rather than a frazzled rightie.

Yours, Uma Bartlesby

Dear Sir,

Why is everyone bothered who leads the Labour Party? I think it is time for them to take a break until the next election.

Yours, George Osborne [LINK]

HOW TO WEAR A MONICLE THE WAY THE MODERN GENTLEMAN WEARS THEM
The Thun (Spoof of The Times)

Mmmmh! Does Alcohol Made Out Of Vegemite Taste Really Yummy?

As Australian authorities move to ban Vegemite from sale in some communities because it is being bought in bulk and used to make alcohol, we sent our reporter to find out what the alcohol made out of Vegemite actually taste like. And what we found out may shock many of our gentle readers.

While we waited for the copy from our journalist we asked our brilliant Twitter followers what they thought it would taste like:

One said: "Sir! It will taste like someone has punched one in the mouth hard with a fist soaked in Marmite, the British, and by far superior, yeast based snacky spread."

Another predicted: "Sir! It will taste like those crunchy Marmite twig thingies. Ooo errgh. Common as muck."

But this reporter tried alcohol made out of Vegemite and it tastes absolutely wonderful. Better than all the champagne this reporter has been forced to drink.

The first sip had a fulfilling mild burning of my tongue sensation and then it proceeded to feeling like my whole mouth was on fire like the finest chili I have ever tasted, mixed in with a cup full of salt.

I was completely legless drunk after a small cup of the concoction, and then had the best nights sleep of my life.

I completely recommend to any connoisseur of everyday man alcohol.

The drinking continues.

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Donald Trump Himself Bleeding From Wherever' it seems that there were a number of errors: In the cold light of day we have absolutely no idea where we got this story from. Donald Trump is not the inventor of Trumps the card game as we reported. Trumping is in fact similar to farting but posher, we are happy to set the record straight. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRANDCHILDREN, PART 109: YES YOU BROKE WINDOWS 10 GRANDAD BY ZOOMING INTO THAT PICTURE IN THE EDGE BROWSER AND TRYING TO DRAWN ON IT WITH THE NEW PENS. DUH!
East Angrian Daily Times

Marvel To Make Movie Of England Cricket Team

Marvel Comics are to make a comic and movie starring the England cricket team following their unbelievable transformation from Ordinary Joe's to sporting superhero's due to mysterious forces, it was reported last night.

The woeful 2014 England cricket team will be seen getting on a plane which goes through a mysterious force field making everybody on board into superhero's a bit like Fantastic Four but there's more of them so copyright shouldn't be a problem, according to lawyers.

A superhero's expert, who doesn't know anything about cricket, told this newspaper: "It'll probably be a bit like the Fabulous Four but for a full cricket team, how many is that? More than 10 probably."

The fabulousness continues.

Also In Today's Paper:

Summer Set To Soar For Another 24 Hours Then Dullness To Envelop Kingdom

Met Office Issues Summer Dullness Warning

Best Summer Weather In History About To Disappear From Whence It Came [link]

DECK CHAIR WASHES UP ON REUNION ISLAND
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Thank you for your brilliant article: "20 Brilliant Beaches Unspoiled By Tourists." Unfortunately, I immediately went to number 3 and it was filled by other Daily Moan readers spoiling it. Why did you open your mouths?

Yours, Hugh Muckleswait

Dear Sir,

I've just finished reading your article "20 Brilliant Beaches Unspoiled By Tourists." Well, I say reading, actually I was just looking at the pictures. I suppose that counts as reading.

Yours, Burt Thurg

Dear Sir,

So would Donald Trump really be the craziest president of the USA? Screech from Saved From The Bell would be crazier in my opinion.

Yours, Graham Golden [link]

HOW TO WEAR A VEST THE WAY THE COOL STREET KIDS WEAR THEM TODAY - EXCLUSIVE LAD COURSE
The Boobs (The Sun parody)

Cecil The Lion Halloween Costume Removed From Shops

A Cecil The Lion halloween costume has been removed from sale after a Twitter campaign said it was tasteless.

The lion suit which retails for £15.99 was popular last year, but since the death of the much loved Zimbabwean man eater it is now regarded as in poor taste.

Lion Costume

An expert on Cecil's told this newspaper: "Cecil The Lion was once the meanest, baddest, Cecil on the planet."

The dentistry continues.

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Man Falls Up Chimney' it seems that there were a number of errors: The installation of the upside down chimney was in Cheshire, we are happy to set the record straight. 1d a day was a typical wage for a small chimney boy in 1856, for which he could buy enough food to feed a family of 11. Kumping is not an actual word, please ignore what we wrote. [link]

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRANDCHILDREN, PART 108: CAN I POWER MY IPAD OFF MY FAT CELLS?
CITY B.S.

James Bond Stopped By Airport Security

James Bond was stopped from boarding a flight after his weapon made the airport machines go off.

British secret agent personnel who designed the weapon could not be found for a comment.

Normally British secret service personnel are armed with weapons that don't set off airport security, so it is a cause for concern that they are now setting it off, a security expert told this newspaper.

Nobody of consequence died.

The build up to 007's return in Spectre continues.

Also In Today's Paper:

Ex Radio 1 DJ Says 'We Are All Just Energy Going Round And Round'

'I Am Round And Round But I Have No Energy' Says Obese Independent Radio Jock

I Am An Amoeba Sitting As Still As I Can, BBC Newsreader Insists [link]

KITCHEN SINK WASHES UP ON REUNION ISLAND
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Why don't they let us commuters walk down the tube tunnels during strikes? It would be a bit spooky but much faster than walking over ground.

Yours, Jenny Liverpool

Dear Sir,

The weather has turned decidedly average this summer after a good start. I'm not sure whether to continue wearing my bikini to the shops or not.

Yours, Sheila Dump

Dear Sir,

Cecil is a really rubbish name for a lion. I do hope Katie Hopkins hasn't said that first.

Yours, Barry Bunt [link]