LESS DISHONEST JOURNALISTS THAN ANY OTHER UK NEWSPAPER
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White Spaces In Crowd Were KKK Members, Insists Trump Spokesman

The White House today criticised the media, not including this newspaper, for suggesting there were enormous yards of white empty space where people stood at the Obama Inauguration in 2009, according to someone looking at the picture below.

Donald trump Inauguration

A spokesman for Donald Trump told this newspaper: "I look at that picture (above) and I just don't see an empty space at all. You show me where the empty spaces are? If you look closely you can see there are people there wearing white from head to toe. Who put the white tarpaulin on the ground? Probably an Obama supporter just to cause trouble. If you were wearing all white there is no way you can be seen in that picture."

An expert photographs debunker told this newspaper: "It is true. If people were wearing all white from head to toe they will be impossible to see on that picture."

The Media Trumps begin.

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Correction: In yesterday's story: I'm Taking Buns And Hot Milky Tea For Melania When I Visit The President On Friday, She Looks Like She Needs A Good Meal, Says PM May it seems there was an error: Donald Trump is a 'Real Estate Mogul', not a 'Real Estate Mogle' as we claimed. [link]

'CHICKEN IS NOT A VEGETABLE!!!' VEGETARIAN AMAZON CUSTOMER SHOUTS AT CLARKSON
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TRUMPO: "THAT WASN'T DANCING THAT WAS PUSHING YOUR WIFE AROUND USING YOUR HIPS"

Donald Trump's dance critics rounded on the property tycoon turned Commander In Chief today after his disastrous first dance as president, which some Bruno online claimed 'was a complete let down'.

Dancing confusingly to the words, 'and now the end is near and I face my final curtain' whereas it was actually the beginning and there was no curtain in sight, Trump, 71, and wife Melania, 48, pushed their bodies together and Trump then pushed his wife around using his hips in one of the worst presidential first dances ever televised, according to CNN's new presidential dance critic.

"It was truly awful. Trump kept doing a thumbs up and smiling. And his hips just seemed to be grinding on his wife's pelvis. They don't even have a paddle board for the score I would give that had they done that on Dancing With The Stars," said our critic to nods of agreement in our newsroom.

The dance in all of it's horror is below:

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Also In Today's Paper:

Brexit Means 'Tough Macho Brexit' Now, Says PM May

"I'm Expecting France To Surrender Early In The Brexit Negotiations," Says Boris

Brexit Is Just Like A Box Of Chocolates, Says Confectioner [link]

SHOULD BORIS JOHNSON'S DOODLES OF THE FRENCH PRESIDENT WITH HITLER MUSTACHE BE PUBLISHED?
Daily Moan

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I have been negotiating my own Brexit settlement with my German next door neighbour and it seems that he wants his lawnmower back. I think he must have forgotten about the shears, hoe and car vacuum cleaner. This could get expensive if he remembers.

Yours, Fred Brexit

Dear Sir,

I have decided to keep my flashing Christmas decorations on my house up until Article 50 trigger day at the end of March 2017. Also its too bloody cold to go outside to get them in. Who is in charge of the weather these days? It's a disgrace.

Yours, Michael Fish

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Dear Sir,

I am still planning my Brexit party for the end of March 2017, when we trigger Article 50. Does anybody know how to make red white and blue sausages on sticks? I've bought the Union Flag sausage sticks already so now I have a decision to make: do I have red sausages, white sausages and blue sausages, or do I try to make each sausage a union flag design? I've only got about 30 minutes to do it. Does anybody have some tips on how to get these multicoloured diagonal lines in sausage meat?

Yours, Fred Brexatious [link]

TEN THINGS DONALD TRUMP WILL NOT DO NEXT BECAUSE RUSSIA HAS GOT 'WEE-VERAGE' OVER HIM
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How Will We Know If Russia Does Have Wee-verage Over Donald Trump Anyway?

One of the most respected intelligence operators specialising in Russia in the private sector, who once worked for British Intelligence says the Russians have a video of Donald Trump and something to do with prostitutes urinating on each other in a Moscow hotel (ie a Golden Shower...) It's been denied, as you would expect, but how will we know if the Russians do have it after all?

Five tell tale signs that Russia has Wee-verage over president-elect Donald Trump:

5 Trump chooses the winner of Russia's Got Opera for his inauguration. The woman is 6 ft 3in tall and weighs 300 lbs and has a charge for urination in public.

4 Trump says Putin is 'beautiful' three times in a speech

3 Trump sends his first Tweet in Russian.

2 The terms 'Golden Shower' and 'Bromanceski' enter the dictionary in 2017

1 Trump Hotels gives extra little bars of soap and shampoo to Russian officials when they stay at his hotel chain for free.

The presidential urination begins.

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Correction: In yesterday's story: There was a Labour MP called Tristram? Asks Voter it seems there was an error: His full name is Tristram Hunt. We apologise unreservedly for the spelling error in which his surname was an expletive especially if the reader read it before the watershed of 9pm. [link]

NEW YEAR NEW YOU: HOW TO PEEL VEGETABLES TO LOSE 10% BODY FAT IN JUST ONE WEEK
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DONALD TRUMP SLAMS JOHN LEWIS

Donald Trump slammed John Lewis in a Twitter rant lasting 112 characters today, only hours before becoming president of the United States.

John Lewis is one of the most respected retailers in the UK but it didn't stop Donald Trump slamming the retailer's US namesake for doing a 'horrible job'.

We Tweeted Trump for a comment but got no reply.

A spokesman for British John Lewis told this newspaper: "We have tweeted an invitation to the future president of the United States for a hair and nail pamper session at our Chigwell branch. With sessions costing only £35 ($40) for 35 minutes (35 minutes) they are a brilliant deal."

The urine hits the fan.

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Also In Today's Paper:

Theresa May To Make 'Brexit' Means 'Royal Brexit' Speech Tuesday

Give Us A Clean Brexit Or It's World War Three, May Tells Europe

Brexit Is Just Like A Flower, Says Botanist [link]

THE 48% WHO VOTED AGAINST BREXIT SHOULD SHUT UP NOW, SAYS PM
Daily Moan

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

If the unelected House Of Lords block Brexit I say lets forget it then. No point in throwing the whole constitution down the drain.

Yours, Fred Remoaner

Dear Sir,

Snowmaggedon was a bit of a damp squib this week wasn't it? If you blinked you missed it. It wasn't even a Sprinklemagedon. Rubbish.

Yours, Michael Fish

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Dear Sir,

I am still planning my Brexit party for the end of March 2017, when we trigger Article 50. Does anybody know how to make red white and blue Scotch eggs? They sound horrible but very patriotic.

Yours, Jenny Brexatious [link]

TEN THINGS DONALD TRUMP WILL DO NEXT
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Foreign Office Install Dartboard And Challenge UKIP

The Foreign Office have announced plans to 'chav down' in an attempt to understand what Brexit is all about, according to a person close to the situation.

Senior civil servants are understood to be 'miffed' at being told they didn't have the expertise to negotiate a truly Brexity Brexit by someone who went to their school and resigned last week.

The official darts event being organised is to include beer instead of fine wines, little Cadbury chocolate lumps instead of Ferrero Rocher and conversations including dropped t's in bitter and football teams. The event is being coordinated to get information out of UKIP members using the diplomatic aplomb the Foreign Office is world renowned for, according to a posh sounding source.

The first darts match will be on the 24th January in London and UKIP invitees have been asked not to bring any snacks with them as it is feared they could stain the cushions.

The Brexit trundles on.

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Correction: In yesterday's story: London Gym Welcomes New January Exercisers with Cream Pies and Coffee To Ease New Patrons Into Doors it seems there was an error: A Pec Deck is an exercise machine in a gym as well as a rapper from the Philippines, we are happy to set the record straight. [link]

HOW TO GET WASHBOARD ABS IN JUST 90 SECONDS (please see full terms and conditions on pages 19,20 and 21 of the newspaper)
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"OOO! STOP! MY BREXIT IS KILLING ME!!" SAYS THERESA MAY IMPERSONATOR

Innuendo and squirty cream were the order of the day when a group of five Theresa May impersonators got together outside the Foreign Office this morning.

Dancing and singing a special Brexit song which they hope to upload to iTunes at some point once they have taken out the particularly libelous innuendos, the dancing May chanteuses say they are ready to help out their hero prime minister anyway they can, such as by doing the filing, making the tea or sorting out any of the more pesky prime minister impersonator negotiators on the European side of the Brexit table.

May, 60, has been Prime Minister now for almost six months and came to fame by keeping a low profile during the Brexit referendum.

Doug Paterson, 71, widely regarded as one of the best Theresa May impersonators, told this newspaper in character: "I've written down ten ideas to help Theresa get the Brexit negotiations off on a positive footing."

The snazzy red shoes continues.

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Also In Today's Paper:

"Ooo Errr My Nuts Are Too Big", Says Harry Squirrel Currently Appearing In Look Behind You! at the Clacton Pavilion

Erratic Winter Showers Blamed For Most Christmas Decorations Ladder Falls

Scissors Blamed For Local Maria Carey Wardrobe Malfunction Says Mayor [link]

IS IT TIME FOR ANOTHER REFERENDUM ON EUROPE? NO SAYS THIS NEWSPAPER
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Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

In your excellent article "Theresa May announces plans for Shredded Society in first interview since Brexitgate" the ad for the same trousers as the prime minister was wearing was broken. I cannot wait to pay £995 to look like my favourite Prime Minister of the Millennium so far. Please could you get someone to look into this.

Yours, Amanda Boadica

Dear Sir,

Is Theresa May the first celebrity death of 2017? This official picture in your paper looks like one of those Victorian death pictures.

Theresa May

Yours, Sammy Smalls

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Dear Sir,

I am planning a Brexit party at the end of March 2017, when we trigger Article 50. Does anybody know how to make sausage rolls with a Union Jack through the middle like rock?

Yours, Jenny Brexatious [link]

FREE MARIA CAREY FACSIMILE SEQUINED NEW YEAR DRESS FOR EVERY READER
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Hopes For 2017 'Misplaced', Claims Disasterologist

Fears that someone who died in 2016 had the secret that could stop World War Three starting in 2017 were growing last night, just moments after Big Ben struck midnight and after the last firework had zipped, popped, banged and kerzinged, according to a reveler.

2016, which comes before 2017 chronologically, set the seeds for conflicts in the New Year according to those in the know.

Someone in the aforementioned know wrote: "It would be a tragedy if Prince could have stopped World War Three had he not died. I hear Kim Jong-Un was a big fan."

Top Five reasons 2017 is going to be worse than 2016

1) North Korea's leader Kim Jong-Un to get a Donald Trump haircut

2) Kim Jong-Un to open an official twitter account to engage with Donald Trump

3) Donald Trump gets control of the influential @POTUS Twitter account and engages in Twitter war with Kim Jong-Un, technically becoming the first social media world war between two leaders of nuclear countries.

4) Prince management to release the first of his newly discovered 500 posthumous albums. But they release number 450 in an attempt to wet people's appetite for the earlier better ones. The album goes straight to newspaper freebie.

5) Donald Trump tweets ambiguously about the new Prince album and upsets royal families around the world.

Breaking: Man who claims to have the patent to Donald Trump's hair weave that 'looks so real you could pull it' dies in a mysterious car crash. More to follow.

The 2016 explodes.

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Correction: In yesterday's story: Woman Punched Repeatedly In Head Live On Television In USA it seems there was an error: The woman who was punched repeatedly in the head was in fact world's former toughest woman Rowdy Ronda Rowsey and not 'that woman on Cheers' as we reported. We are happy to set the record straight. [link]

HOW TO SING LIKE MARIA CAREY AT TIMES SQUARE 2016 NEW YEARS EVE
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Robbie Williams And Maria Carey End 2016 On Perfect Notes

Robbie Williams murdering his hits in London, and Maria Carey storming off stage after the man who's only job was to put her voice into her ear failed completely were applauded today by critics for entering into the spirit of ending 2016 how it had been.

"They ended it the way God intended 2016 to end" said one tweeter, who was not the Pope.

Even conspiracy sites applauded the lacklustre musical performances: "The end of 2016 was no time to see Adam Lambert totally nail it with Queen again. "

The 2017 begins.

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Also In Today's Paper:

Maria Carey Lip-synching Glitch Technician: "At least I didn't press pause button"

Robbie Williams Eats Donuts After New Year Party Catastrophe

Robbie Williams Washes Hands Of Performance [link]

HOW TO SING LIKE ROBBIE WILLIAMS NEW YEAR SPECIAL 2016-7
Daily Moan

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I do hope Robbie Williams isn't going to sing his apology for his New Year eve show.

Yours, Term Boatload

Dear Sir,

Thank heavens Maria Carey stormed off the stage before 2017 started. 2017 is currently perfect. Let's keep it that way.

Yours, Joan Crawford-Kittens

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Dear Sir,

There was nothing wrong with Robbie Williams performance he was brilliant. I blame Big Ben's bongs for being out of tune.

Yours, Jenny Goodtime [link]

ARIES Mar 20 - Apr 19

The Jupiter inspired mayhem penciled in for 7th of the month onwards may be an opportunity for you to shine in a near superhero capacity to solve problems on the hoof and in the air.

Nuts, particularly almonds and walnuts, but not peanuts and hazel nuts, are randomly starred especially when eaten at the bar on yachts from small red bowls.

'Tantamount' is your word of the month and you should use it in any important or official communications especially on the phone (the official cell phone txt shortening of tantamount is tatmnt).

Bubbles are very well starred either in the bath, blown through a bubble hoop using washing up liquid, or even Michael Buble, who's latest album is very good.

This month your destiny is cantankerous. [More Horoscopes Here...]

FREE GEORGE MICHAEL SPECIAL EDITION CADBURY'S CARELESS WISPA FOR EVERY READER
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PM Set To Announce Top 20 Brexit Celebrities 'Too Big To Die'

Following the death this morning of George Michael yesterday afternoon, the prime minister has said she is to take emergency measures to stop any more internationally recognised British celebrities dying for the next two years.

Celebrities such as Paul McCartney, Elton John and Mick Jagger are to be given full time doctors to ensure their deaths do not occur during the Brexit negotiations that could last for another 40 years, according to one civil servant.

American Tweeter and president-elect Donald Trump said the recent deaths were an opportunity for foreign celebrities to replace their British equivalent. The creative industries are one of Britain's biggest exports.

The celebrity carnage continues.

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Correction: In yesterday's story: Boy George Dies Aged 53 it seems there was an error: At the time of writing Boy George has not died. We are happy to set the record straight. [link]

ONE FREE VIEW OF A GEORGE MICHAEL YOUTUBE VIDEO FOR EVERY READER
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Richard Hammond Outted: Seen Eating Ice Cream In Car

Richard Hammond has been seen eating an ice cream in a car in possibly the biggest outing of a British celebrity since George Michael (rest in peace) was outted by American police in a public toilet in 1998.

Hammond, 48, who has not denied it is him in the picture with his tongue stuck firmly into a 99 cone, has said he will make a comment publicly later, after he has spoken to his family about the incident.

In a recent episode of The Grand Tour he said any man eating an ice cream was gay.

The ice creaming continues.

(Video from linksdump.com)

Also In Today's Paper:

Richard Hammond "I am the short one"

Richard Hammond: "Jeremy Clarkson Is An Ice Cream Eater"

Richard Hammond: "You never saw John Wayne eat an ice cream" [link]

DONALD TRUMP EATS ICE CREAM
Daily Moan

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I was only listening to George Michael's and Status Quo's CD's the other day, and then I watched the original Star Wars trilogy for Christmas. I do hope I don't have a death curse. But if any movie maker wants to pay me a million pounds for my life story I am happy to negotiate after a suitable period of mourning.

Yours, Mystic Doug

Dear Sir,

I do hope nobody is going to ask me to stand for a two minute's silence for all the celebrities that have died this year. I mean, I probably don't mind if they have one two minute's silence for the lot of them, but 2016 as it is, a 2 minutes silence for each one would go on for hours.

Yours, Mike Cowell

(Video from linksdump.com)

Dear Sir,

I have always avoided eating Cornettos in public because of their obviously phallic shape. I agree with The Grand Tour's Richard Hammond, for a man to lick one in public is exactly the same as licking a penis.

Yours, Sir Gumption Overload-Smythe [link]