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Damp
Squib Gordon
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FREE
PICTURE OF A POUND FOR EVERY READER
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RBS
To Be Renamed Royal Ballsup
Of Scotland
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Northern
Cockup To Increase Lending
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Just
minutes after changing its
name to The Royal Ballsup
of Scotland, the institution
may have to drop the Royal
bit and also the Scotland
bit, too, as its share price
nudges ever closer to 0p today.
This would mean that the newly
named bank would be known
as The Ballsup.
This
after The Ballsup announced
record losses of anything
between £7-£28bn.
Explaining
why the bank can't say what
their actual losses were for
last year, a spokesman wept
and screamed:
"It's
too complicated to say exactly
why, but just suffice it to
say that The Ballsup
made a loss between £7bn
and £8bn on the profit
and loss account because of
some stuff. But we also lost
£20bn on our balance
sheet, which hasn't been transferred
to the profit and loss account
because of ingenious accountancy
that got us into this mess
in the first place. Where's
Cambridge Physics graduate
Jerry, he did it all, he could
explain more but I'm not sure
where he is at the moment
- he's left me a formula for
his telephone number."
RBS
shares fell to 13p today,
unlucky for some. Anyone still
holding the shares are advised
to call The Samaritans.
In
other news: The Northern
Cockup is to start lending
again to anyone with a weee-iii
accent. If you think you sound
like a Geordie phone this
number now...
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19
Jan
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Click
here
to go theVoiceofReason .co.uk home page
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Flashless
Gordon
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FREE
PICTURE OF TWO POUNDS FOR EVERY READER
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Lloyds
Bank To Be Renamed LaughingStock Bank
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Lloyds
TSB, who now look really stupid for
taking over what now appears to be
the most toxic bank in the world,
HBOS, is to be made the subject of
a new BBC comedy series called The
43% ers, we have discovered down
the pub at lunchtime.
The
bank is currently 43% owned by the
taxpayers, but that percentage could
rise significantly making a mockery
of the comedy series name, which is
yet another example of the BBC's incompetence.
An
expert in w*nking told this website:
"At
the time Lloyds takeover of HBOS seemed
like an opportunity too good to miss.
Hey ho tiddly dee. They should have
missed it. Ha Ha."
Calls
for loss making bank executives to
be sued or sent to prison were growing
last night after naughty words were
written on the toilet walls of some
of Britain's biggest banks.
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19
Jan
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Gormless
Gordon
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FREE
PICTURE OF 10P FOR EVERY READER
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Voice
Of The Mirror
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Banks,
some as old as 350 years,
were given a handout today.
Gordon Brown, quickly moving
after four months to continue
his rescue plan, said it was
time for banks to start lending
again again again.
"Money,
some as much as £500
billion, should be handed
over to any customer who wants
it", said one banking
analyst who now works for
a chip shop in Croydon.
"It's
time for banks to give money
to people" said an old
lady. "I've been standing
here for the last three hours
and not one banker has offered
me anything. They're all a
load of greedy bastards."
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19
Jan
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