UFO Link To Royal Bank Of Scotland

The National Archives have released a further collection of UFO documents that prove that this year's financial crisis was caused by interplanetary visitations at the Royal Bank of Scotland, and may explain how directors of the bank thought they could get away with their amazing recklessness in the period up to its collapse.

A series of UFO sightings in Edinburgh coincided with RBS's worst set of results in British corporate history, according to the documents released today.

Romford Babe Kay Jones said she was on holiday in Scotland at the time and she was asked to whip her breasts out for aliens when she walked down a country lane at night. "I of course did it to help interplanetary harmony", said the cheeky big breasted 18 year old. "Here look," she said, still topless.

An expert in the financial markets told our business editor: "This is just terrible news. Just when we thought the RBS armageddon couldn't get any worse it got even worse again today. When will this disaster end? RBS shares were available today at 47p, the cheapest sandwich available at Tesco's is still 89p, a tasty cheese and onion record.

Flying Objects Link To Katie Price

The number of UFO sightings in a ten metre radius around Katie Price hit 1700 this year, a record, according to documents released today by the National Tabloid Archives.

Since she became estranged from number four in the charts pop husband with the sensational abs Peter Andre, sightings of flying objects in front of her chest have increased by over 4 times, according to radar.

Experts in flying objects claim that the sightings are mostly of the model's breasts, but still 5 sightings remain unidentified because the pictures are too blurry.

Flying objects in front of Katie Price peaked during a recent holiday in some sunny place or other and have since fallen to more normal levels.

Millionaire Katie Price is richer than everyone on the Daily Moan put together, a record.

UFO Message To Britain