Exclusive: Lord's To Be Renamed

The owners of Lord's, the birth place of cricket, the sport with bats and balls and Haaawwwzzza-tt, has considered changing the name of the ground, a highly placed source advises.

Options also discussed include changing the light bulbs to ones bought at Tesco's and using tea made by Messieurs PG in the ground cafeterias.

A spokesman for the told us: "I don't remember ever telling anyone this. Are you making this up or was I extremely pissed when I said it?"

Letters To The Editor

Sir, It is with a sad heart that I write this to you today on the very same day that The Times of Londonium was forced to announce that Lord's is to change it's name. This sounds like an Australian scheme to upset England to me. Tell me now, were your Australian shareholders anything to do with this story?

Yours Fatefully, General, Sir John 'Johnny' Johnson

Sir, I was half way through spreading my marmalade upon my crispy toast this morn, when I read in your hallowed pages your revelation that Lord's is to change it's name. E-gads, one thought, and was thusly unable to finish spreading my orangey breakfast treat to the surface of my toasted bread slice, least of all bring the breakfast fare to my lips and then to crunch down. Thank heavens the Today program on the usually excellent BBC Home Service said you were reporting a load of old twaddle. When will The Times have a naked bird on page three, I think we should be advised?

Yours, Sir Hattersly Haterson.

Sir, At last the Lord's is to be renamed. Let us all rejoice from the spires of England on this day. The Lord's is such an old fashioned establishment name in what is unequivocally, and correctly in the view of this letter to the editor writer, discerned to be a more disestablishment era. Consequent upon this consequence, I place my quill upon my writing desk now thanking once again for the excellent reportage from the mighty Thunderer. Pip pip.

Yours, General McFinnerty.

Exclusive: Wembley To Be Renamed

The owners of Wembley, the iconic sports stadium in which England won the football world cup in 1966, have discussed options which include changing the stadium's name, we have decided.

Names such as Waberlly, Bembley and OooAaaCantona were considered.

A spokesman close to the discussions told this newspaper: "The discussions were made down the pub after a healthy session of drinking and in those situations we have a policy of talking gibberish and bunkum. Please, whatever you do, do not report this on the front page today."

Letters To The Editor

Madam editor, Due to the near ineffable fact that England's premier icon of sporting achievement took so long to be rebuilt, I console myself in the knowledge that, were the bastion off all footie things sacred to be renamed, it will take about ten years for those concerned to come up with a name and then put it into place. Having said that OooAaaCantona would be my preferred new name for the stadium formerly known as Wembley,

Yours ever so, Sir Michael Michaelson

Sir, I have always winced when ever the name Wembley is mentioned. At long last a new name, a new era.

Yours Mr Wemfuckbley Berryfruits.

Sir, Is it just me, or are all the names of the great and good being changed in The Times this morning? Stop reporting your new found facts at once and hopefully it will all go away.

Herrump, Major Harry Smith.

Exclusive: Cornwall To Be Renamed

Owners of Cornwall, the English county which has aspirations for world domination as a nation state, has considered options which include changing its name, we have discovered.

Names such as 'Corneewall', 'Mebyon' and 'Foot of England' were all discussed.

A spokesman close to the discussions said that the options were mentioned in an informal night of drinking and cannabis smoking by the committee responsible for renaming the county.

Letters To The Editor

Sir, It is with great disdain that I write this letter to advise you that you are all a load of stupid idiots. Cornwall is a firm constituent of the United Kingdom and all hell and a hand cart will break loose if they ever do anything so extreme as to rename one of Gods counties.

Yours His Majesty Gerald III

Sir, Corneewall? I had to double take this suggestion which appeared in the prestigious pages of my Times this morn. In the words of the eminent tennis player Mr John McEnroe: "One cannot be serious!"

Yours Dame Patty Pumpkin.