Cowell Says 'Let Me Decide Election'

Simon Cowell says he wants to make next year's general election into a singing extravaganza.

In the show being planned by shITV, viewers will be able to vote on the issues of the day for only 35p a call on BT lines, mobiles may be considerably more.

The cabinet, shadow cabinet and Lib Dems will be made to sing and dance their policies and the public will be allowed to vote.

This could be the end to traditional politics as it has been known since parliamentary democracy began after the civil war in 1651.

The winning contestant will then travel to Buckingham Palace to sing their request to form a government, and the queen, aided for the first time by Prince William, will sing back their acceptance all posh like.

A parliamentary historian said :"This is a truly thinking out of the envelope experience that Simon Cowell has come up with here, and I am sure it will make a lot of money."

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X Factor Joe To Be New Teen Sensation, Shouts Cowell

South Shields drama student Joe McElderry is set to become the next teen singing sensation, according to sources close to Simon Cowell earlier today.

Joe, 18, who won the X Factor on Sunday, is set to become a multi millionaire in the next few years as he sings using just his lips and tongue in a new Disney musical thought to be a bit like High School Musical.

X Factor Industries is to release a new McElderryflower wine for the Christmas rush, and Kerry Gold butter is to rename itself McKelderry Gold until January as part of its celebrations.

Mars told us it won't be changing its popular chocolate bar to Murs Bars as was planned if Essex boy Olly Murs won the competition.

It's a bleedin hysterical disgrace from start to finish if you ask us. Pictures from pages 3 -15.

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Cowell: I Will Make Joe McElderry Prime Minister

Simon Cowell pledged a pre election special this year in which X Factor contestants will vie for electoral office, the first time this has happened anywhere in the world other than in Afghanistan.

Ten million peoples votes were cast to get Joe McElderry his victory on Sunday, that's just about as many people who voted in the last election.

The Put Your X Factor Here Election Show will provide a platform for politicians to discuss the important issues of the day using song and dance.

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Two thousand jobs could be lost at shITV if Simon Cowell walks away from on going discussions about the next series of X Factor, claims some guy we met down the pub last night.

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In other developments: Jedward are to write a column for this newspaper about their exploits after their experience in the X Factor. The terrible Irish Twosome can write just about as well as they can sing, so their writing will be well at home here in the Daily Excrement.