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Britain's Recession Ends, Just - 26th January 2010

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Dead Recession

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The Thun (Spoof of The Times)

0.1%

Britain is at last out of recession by the skin of her teeth.

0.1% economic growth is equivalent to a nice warm summer evening.

Had GDP growth been just 0.1% lower, however, then Britain wouldn't have grown at all in the fourth quarter of 2009.

But, because of the rule that a recession is two consecutive quarters of negative growth, then, even at 0% growth, Britain's recession would have technically ended.

However, in the past, GDP growth has been revised up or down as much as 0.2% each quarter, which could mean Britain isn't out of recession at all at the moment even though the figures say we are. If that is the case then Britain will have to wait a little longer before the recession has ended, although by the time we find that out we might really be out of the recession, finally.

But, as it is, with growth at 0.1%, there can now be some excuse for dancing in the streets across the land even if the dance is short lived, or maybe just a hand jive.

Using a sports metaphor, these GDP numbers can be explained like this: Imagine Manchester United were playing with 11 Wayne Rooney's, the ref was on their side, the other side hadn't turned up, and they still won one nil. That's the economy that it.

 
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Recession Recess

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Daily Moan (Spoof of Daily Mail)

0.1%!: Nought Point One Percent? Are They Having A Laugh?

GDP grew a pathetic 0.1% in the fourth quarter of last year, and it might be lower than 0.1%, too.

This is because economic numbers are frequently rubbish.

It could be that it turns out that we didn't come out of recession at all in the fourth quarter of 2009.

Alternatively it could mean that we came out the quarter earlier if the numbers for the third quarter were revised upwards enough.

Explaining this apparent discrepancy, an economist explains:

"Economic numbers like those reported today are a rough and ready approximation. You might think sometimes that all the Office of National Statistics do is close their eyes and think of a number, but they only do this after weeks of studying the numbers and years of training."

0.1% economic growth is equivalent to the amount lost in sick days if England made it to the World Cup final later this year.

 

Retarded Recession

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Daily Excrement (Spoof of Daily Express)

Fuck, That Was Close

Britain scraped out of the longest recession since recessions began today, with the lowest possible growth on record.

Few can argue that 0.1% is better than 0%, but it is a whole lot worse than 0.2%.

An economist told this web site:

"You might think that 0.2% growth sounds like it is twice as good as 0.1% growth, but it isn't if the next quarter you find out the 0.2% growth should have been reduced by 0.3%. This is why we get paid bonuses, it's that bleedin complicated. It's proper mad like this all the while."

Experts had expected growth to come in at 0.4%, which means that it is 0.3% worse than feared.

Had it come in at 0.3% then it still would have been 0.1% short of expectations.

By the winner of Express Newspapers Group Economic Reporter Of The Year.

 
 
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