Labour Launches Desperate Fivemoreyears-efesto

Tired old crinkly Gordon 'Grumpy' Brown made one last gasp to win the general election yesterday, like he had just climbed the stairs and had just reached the top and was now completely knackered.

Holding on to fellow supporters as he walked slowly and deliberately to the lectern, and at times visibly panting for breath, the ailing, bonkers, prime minister croaked out his plans for another 5 years in power, an administration that experts say could kill him if he won.

The sad, broken, pathetic man, told the group of insane supporters what was in the Labour manifesto, then Clown Brown blew a raspberry with his own mouth, pulled his shirt over his head and said: I've got a better pair of tits than The Sun's page three girl any time, gobble gobble.

Thought: Gordon Brown will still be under the retirement age if he serves another 5 years as PM, so boot him out now, says The Boobs.

Tories Launch DoItYourself-efesto

David Cameron today invited the nation to volunteer to do all the local work that needs doing.

Announcing the Conservative Party's 2010 manifesto, he told his party:

"This manifesto is a very much hands off, a let's empower the public to do it all for themselves, kind of thing.

A vote for the Conservative Party is a vote for your local schools where we will make it possible for you, and other locals, to volunteer to help teach the kids, cook the meals, sweep up at the end of the day, and possibly take children on good old fashioned school trips again without the fear of being sued for deaths.

If the pavement down your road needs fixing, or the roads need a' mending, moaning about it when you phone up the council is the old way. The new Conservative way is to hire steam rollers yourself, and those eeeee eeeee eeeee ttttt tttt drilly machines they use, and some tar and stuff, and fix it yourself. We will enable you to do this by relaxing the drilling up the roads laws, giving the power back to the community in our first year in office.

And what if your electricity company cut you off in times of bad weather and some such. The old way is to sit in your homes all cold and shivering. We say, local people should be able to fix it for themselves..."