Secret Plans To Knock Nick Knicked

A secret dossier that contains detailed plans to discredit Nick Clegg, written by Tory strategy experts, has been stolen from a train to Knightsbridge.

The Boobs was handed the documents which included strategies:

1) To speculate that Nick Clegg has a porn star past

2) Nick Clegg once owned a pair of flip flops (useful if he changes his mind about anything)

3) Nick Clegg once had a heroin addiction, according to a satirical website.

4) That's all we've got so far

Get Your Clegg Smeg Free Inside Today

Clegg Smeg is the latest anti Lib Dem initiative being rushed out of Tory joke shops in time for the second debate on Thursday, we have been assured.

But in a special exclusive arrangement, our readers can get their own smeg inside today's newspaper!

Clegg Smeg is yellow in colour, like the Lib Dems.

Tory leader David Cameron moved to quash rumours that he is about to start knocking the nation's newest favourite leader Nick Clegg, following the Lib Dem leader's devastating performance in the first leaders debate last week.

The Conservative Party leader said:

"You'll be getting no Nick knocking from this man."

If the Lib Dems win the election outright it will be the most shocking thing since Kristin was revealed to have shot JR in TV's Dallas in 1980.