Is It Time For FA to Try Anarchy at Top of England Team Set Up?

An England team without a manager may sound like one of those dumb out of the box ideas you only ever read about on t'internet. But today, as England face the prospects of returning home following one of their shortest World Cup attempts to date, experts are now asking if the £6mn a year spent on a manager couldn't be used on other things like beer and chips for our lads.

"We've tried everything else. Now may be the time to try something really stupid," said a supporter.

A diet of beer and chips is what fuelled England's winning World Cup team in 1966.

Football experts tell this newspaper that all a manager does is pick a team, watches them when they run around in training, and decides what position they play in (assuming they are fit) and that's about it. Not bad for £6mn a year.

But, technical computer wizards point out that a manager's job could easily be done on a website with supporters voting on it.

And it just so happens that we own a company that can set up a website like that for only £5mn a year, saving the FA £1mn.

Bargain.

Virile Capello Slaps Down The Bucks

They didn't name him Fab for nothing!

Ooooo no.

We just love a virile Italian. Yummy. And Fabio Capello ticks all the boxes.

(He could certainly tick this girls box anytime he wants to. Yessir.)

So, slip of a lad John Terry, tried to overrule yummy Fab this week, huh?

It's like one of those up and coming bulls taking on the big bull on one of those David Attenborough thingies. A bit of thrashing about in the water and the little lad decides he's had enough and then goes off and apologises in animal talk, mooo or something, you know.

Well, we wouldn't exactly kick John Terry out of bed, but we bet he doesn't know how to treat us women like Fabio The Great can.

Oooo noooo.

Come on England, with your saucy manager!

Ooooo yes. Do it for us girls whydontcha?

South African Gets Vuvuzela Stuck Up His Bottom

Umi Ubuntu, an 18 year old South African, was discharged from hospital this morning after having a vuvuzela surgically removed from his anus.

A spokesman for the hospital said:

"Mr Ubuntu had attended a World Cup match but an incident occurred where supporters became aggressive and pulled his trousers down and stuck the vuvuzela up his bottom."

An England supporter told the Excrement:

"I'm not surprised. It's only a matter of time until this sort of thing happened."

South African police report that there have been 357 similar offences during the World Cup.