Dead Viewers Double Big Brother Audience, Confirms Channel Four

Channel 4 confirmed last night that spooky goings on in the house show that dead former housemates are watching Big Brother, a well needed boost to viewing figures.

The latest and last Big Brother on Channel 4 is so boring that even died in the woods fans are turning channel.

"The apparently ghostly goings on in the Big Brother house are all a desperate attempt to get people watching what is the most boring Big Brother ever," said one analyst last night.

But Channel Four said they weren't faking it, and that the house is actually being haunted and then made an eerie woooooo sound.

According to Channel 4 figures, on Tuesday there were fifteen human viewers watching the show, and 15 supernatural other worldly beings.

The last time more dead people watched a television programme than live ones was in 1986 when Channel Four did a seance at 3am in the morning.

No British people died.

Ghosts Of Dead Media Careers Haunting Big Brother Set

A number of strange goings on in the Big Brother house is being blamed on dead media careers haunting the set.

Jugs flying through the air, farts but there's nobody there, air conditioning going haywire, people not having sex and yet the beds squeak like they are, are all signs that the Big Brother house is haunted.

But this isn't a ploy to get people to watch Big Brother just to see the ghosts, claimed one media consultant who appeared in series three of the show.

"The Big Brother set really is being haunted and those in the other world are determined to give the show a spooky send off."

As a tribute to the most successful Big Brother star in history, housemates will pick on a dignified accomplished Indian lady and call her snooty on Saturday.

Spooky Goings On On Big Brother Made My Knickers Fall Down, Says Madam Kinkyboots

The Daily Excrement's television critic, Madam Kinkyboots, was one of the first to comment on Big Brother's ghosts last night.

She said:

"Whilst I would rather watch the about to be brilliant Channel Five, it has to be said that when the towel flew through the air last night it was like Poltergeist all over again. I screamed and weed a little in my knickers and the strange thing was when I stood up to get a tissue, my knickers fell down."

She continued:

"Channel Five has some about to be brilliant programme's, and now that the company that owns the Excrement is about to buy it it's going to be just great."

A media consultant told the Excrement that if Richard Desmond does buy Channel 5 he will have to close down the Daily Express under the Nazi media rules in this country today.

To sign our petition to save the Daily Express, go to...