David Beckham Is 'Teepoldo', Says Capello

England manager Fabio Capello has apparently claimed that David Beckham is "teepoldo" in an interview to be screened on Sky News later today.

This brings to two the number of apparent attacks on England's greatest living footballing son in as many weeks.

Capello's assistant translator ran away screaming a bit like a little girl when we asked him what he meant.

This follows almost three years as England coach, which we widely applauded at the time even though Fabio Capello allegedly didn't speak any English at all back then.

The FA have since said the next coach of the England team will be English and not Australian like wot we have been campaigning for.

Come On England!

David Beckham Will Be Able To Bend It Until He's 62, Say Doctors

Doctors came to the aid of a rapidly aging David Beckham today, saying he will be able to bend it until he is 62.

Claiming that they had carried out tests on his ankles, knees and elbows, doctors said Beckham's kicking power will not start to deteriorate for at least another 20 years.

And that's assuming no new medical procedure isn't invented in the next 15 years that could come to the assistance of England's greatest living footballing son to extend his footballing life well into his 70s.

The operation for the procedure that has yet to be invented could take over 13 hours it is thought.

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DID YOU KNOW? When David Beckham is eventually knighted his wife will be called Lady Posh, according to a royal expert standing outside Buckingham Palace last night.

Media Outlets Criticised For Translating Capello Into Perfect English When They Quote Him

Media outlets, who all unanimously applauded Capello's appointment to the England coachship at first, were accused of a cover-up today after repeatedly quoting Fabio Capello in perfect English, and not like wot he speaks at all.

Translating 'Dayyyyvid Beckhuum is uhhh fanbuluooos ployer' into 'David Beckham is a fabulous player, 'We offor Beckhum an uriniynal match in Novenbear to say goodbye' into 'It would be a suitable end to David Beckham's time in the England team to play his last match in a friendly, money spinning, game against France in November' and 'Resign, No!' into "I will not resign old chap, and please refrain from asking this again wouldn't you just?'

Media outlets such as The Sun all applauded Fabio Capello's arrival as England manager, after the newspaper was instrumental in ousting the best England manager for years, Sven-Göran Eriksson.