My Rescued Chile Miner Is Bonking Mad, Says 'Up For It' Wife

26 year old Jose Gonzales hasn't stopped having sex since he came up from the mine, according to his wife of two years Shyrelene.

"There's nothing speedy about my Gonzales and I'm there for him until he finally runs out of his cheetos."

Jose spent two months down the mine in Chile and hasn't had sex for all that time.

"I treated him to his favorite gorilla sex with Strawberry Cheesecake Hagen Dazs while the wrestling was on, and he kept going until 5am. Then he slept for two hours and he was at it again. It's great to have him back."

Has Vince Cable Lost His Mind? Has He Become 'The Cable Guy'?

Vince Cable is acting so strangely that friends are asking the Lib Dem finance expert if he even knows who he is any more.

"The Vince Cable of today is a different man to the Vince Cable I knew during the financial crisis in 2008. I doubt he even recognizes himself these days," said a viewer.

The speed with which the LibDems dumped three of their main election pledges could be the reason for his jibbering craziness.

VAT hikes, university funding slashes, and the speed of the deficit reduction plan, could kill once and for all the Vince Cable guru status and make him remembered for being a crazy mad man.

Friends no longer refer to him as Finance Guru Vince, they now call him "The Cable Guy" like the nutty character played by Jim Carrey in that film.

SHITV Must Reduce Size Of Darkbreak Sofa So Christine Bleakley Falls Off, Says Suit

Christine Bleakley must either sit on Adrian Chiles' lap, or risk falling off the side of the sofa, in the latest shakeup on SHITV's Darkbreak breakfast show.

This is the latest development as SHITV executives try to stick a poker in the embers of the couple's sexual chemistry.

The poorly lit Darkbreak studios, which experts claim will be in complete darkness at Christmas for all but the last ten minutes of the programme, have been blamed.

But the way it's going at the moment, Darkbreak isn't going to last until Christmas.

An experienced executive from the TV-AM days told this newspaper: "My finger is on the last number of Roland Rat's number and I'm about to call him, we're that desperate."