"I Should Never Have Signed Pledge On Uni Fees, VAT Hikes, That Bloke Being Extradited To America, Shit I Need A Fag," Says Lib Dem Leader

Deputy Prime Minister and Liberal Democrat leader, Nick Clegg, called for the services of a homosexual today after his latest election pledge was reduced to mush.

U turning on his pledge to vote against any increase in student fees, Clegg, 43, who delighted viewers by remembering the names of people who asked him questions in the televised election debates, stressed his need to do the right thing even if it meant doing the exact opposite to what he was elected to do.

Corrections and Addendums: Nick Clegg did not call for the services of a homosexual as our article, above, claimed. The fag to which he referred to was a British cigarette and was not a fag in the American sense. We are happy to make that clear.

Chocolate Company 'Delighted' With Ed Miliband Baby Name Sponsorship Deal

A high street chocolate company has applauded Labour leader Ed Miliband's decision to add its name into his baby's name Samuel Stewart Thorntons Miliband, we have heard.

Baby name sponsorships became popular after David Beckham named his son Cruz after a gay nightclub in Manchester.

A baby name sponsorship company told this seething newspaper:

"For a recurring annual fee, a celebrity, or politician, can secure funds over the lifetime of the child which can be put towards university fees, the deposit on a house, later in their life."

For our opinion on this disgrace, see pages 45, 46, 47-52 and the picture on page 67.

X Factor Is Not Fixed In The Conventional Sense, Says Angry Cowell

Simon Cowell moved to quash suggestions that the X Factor is fixed, only days after Cheryl Cole refused to vote, which lead to confusion and the wrong contestant being sent home, again, again.

Producers of the show were said to have considered pushing the nuclear button after Mrs Cole's controversial decision to not vote off one of her acts.

"It took all my years of training not to break out into a hysterical panic", says telly's Dermot, the presenter of the show.

Had Dermot broken into a hysterical panic, producers would automatically cut to a pre recorded insert in which Dermot calls for calm as a technical problem is happening in the live studio and for more information phone this 0898 number which costs £1.50 a minute.

But confusion over which button was the nuclear button led to producers cutting away instead to a commercial break.

Three media careers died, none of them British.