Fergie Given Five Wedding Ban

Sarah Ferguson has been told she won't be invited to the next four royal weddings on top of the next one, it was revealed this morning.

Sarah Ferguson, who knows television superstar Oprah Winfry, was said to be optimistic of being invited to the sixth one whenever that one will be.

It is believed that royal officials fear that Fergie is cursed and would doom William and Kate in some sort of strangely inexplicable way leading to separation or death.

Sarah Ferguson was busy preparing drinks when we called for a comment last night.

Midsommer Rocked By First Ethnically Diverse Murder In It's History

A British man with Pakistani parents became the first non white skinned character to be killed in Midsommer today.

Patrick Patel, 34, died when he was mysteriously impaled on a cattle prod on Farmer John Jones' east facing fence.

Police say they are treating the death as extremely suspicious, bordering on the baffling.

A spokesman for ethnic diversity in the media told reporters:

"This is a small step forward but a significant one. Patrick is the first non white skinned man to die in Midsommer Murders, it's a breakthrough."

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

It is with great disdain that this reader spotted that inflation has once again pipped 4.4 percentage points. The Bank of England has been entrusted by this once great nation to keep it at 2. By my calculations that means they are off by 2.4 whole percents. Are this lot in control of inflation or they just meeting up at their bi weekly meetings to drink a lot of expensive claret on expenses and to moan about foreigners?

If I was sixty years younger I would offer to fix it all myself. I would start off by sacking anyone who doesn't need spectacles.

Toodle Pip, Angered, Knightsbridge

Dear Sir,

I am writing to congratulate you on your iPad edition of the 9th March. It was most excellent. I found the comments from Jeremy Clarkson to be both sassy and poignant. How does he think these things up?

One point, how the hell do you switch the ruddy iPad off?

Yours, Gerald Blighty, Knightsbridge

Dear Sir,

I read with considerable irritation in your edition of the 10th extant that no coloured person had ever been killed in my favourite shitv serial Midsommer Murders. How could this have ever been allowed to have happened? I do hope heads will roll.

Yours, Major Charles Danbury III