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Hackergate Update, 7th July 2011

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Hack Smack

FREE TOP TEN EVIL THINGS NEWS INTERNATIONAL HAVE DONE INSIDE TODAY

Daily Moan

Did News Of The World Ever Hack Anyone Really Dangerous?

As hacking revelations at the News of The World continued to mount last night, the question is being asked if they ever hacked into anyone dangerous who would react with violence if it were ever discovered.

"The hack victims so far have been soft targets, people unlikely to fight back with their fists or knives or guns. At worst they face a lawsuit," said someone who owned a mobile phone in 2005.

According to police working on the case, the next stage of the investigation is to reveal if News of the World ever hacked into anybody dangerous - so dangerous that were hacking revelations even intimated at it could lead to at least a good bruising of those responsible at the paper.

Police in Chipping Norton were reinforcing hedges and double background checking kitchen staff as it was feared that news that sinister underground figures and gangland thugs were about to be named as hack victims.

If it is revealed the News Of the World hacked dangerous people who could fight back then this adds a whole new dimension to the phone hacking scandal, possibly leading to the murder, decapitation, possible impallations or blinding's, or at least bone breaking's, it was feared by senior News International executives last night.

 
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Hack Sex

FREE TOP TEN TOPLESS NEWS INTERNATIONAL EDITORS INSIDE TODAY

Daily Stir

Rebekah Brooks 'Having Best Sex Of Her Life'

Rebekah Brooks, the strikingly ginger haired head of News International and, until she resigns next week, the most powerful person in the British media, is having the best sex of her life, claim sex experts last night.

Brooks, 43, who lives in Chipping Norton, is stimulated by the danger of her current situation and her orgasms were coming like a freight train every 5 seconds every time she has sex, it was thought.

Elsewhere in today's paper:

TOWIE star in naked hotel orgy celebration

Prince William doppelganger shags Kate look-i-likie in internet porn video sensation

 
For a timeline and full coverage of the Hackergate controversy go to our conspiracy site conspiracyclinic.com

 

 

Sky On The Line

FREE QUANTITATIVE EASING TODAY INSIDE

Spoof of The FT

News Corp Execs Fear Sky Deal Now "Completely Fucked"

New York: Executives at News Corporation, the media conglomerate headed by Rupert Murdoch, were increasingly concerned last night that their proposed bid for the shares they don't already own in BSkyB was "completely fucked."

The constant stream of revelations of phone hacking at the News of the World, make Rupert Murdoch's attempts to take over Sky as "about as fucking likely as the Pope getting laid," Rupert Murdoch was believed to have told Rebekah Brooks in fraught exchanges on Tuesday.

A takeover of Sky is seen as being central to the cash generation strategy at the group for the coming years, but if it does not happen the 39% of a hell of a lot of money they will get will fall far short of the 100% they could get if the deal went through.

Culture Secretary, Jeremy Cunt, was believed to be about to wave through the deal as he had his hands tied by some quasi judicial whatchamacallit thingie doobie.