David Cameron Is Second Coming Of Winston Churchill On That Europe Thing, Says 65% Of Country

65% of the country applauded David Cameron's decision to tell Europe to stuff it on Thursday morning, and agreed it was a bonus just to see the look on Nick Clegg's face as everything he has ever stood for is slowly disappearing in front of his very eyes.

In the first survey since David Cameron's veto on Thursday, British voters said:

It's time to refuse to use the Euro when we go on holiday, insisting on using pounds and pence - and if bars and shops disagree then send in the Air Force like they were in the war

Free drinks during happy hours in all Euro zone countries when we go on holiday

Free naked pictures of Carla Bruni for everyone in the country

Also in today's paper:

Mark Wright can shag my daughter, says star

What You Can Tell To The Hand: Our Complete Christmas Family Get Together Argument Managerer

Exam Board Offered Schools Take One GCSE, Pass One Free

Examinations board SexEd has been offering a GCSE Take One, Pass One Free offer on a range of its papers for the last 5 years, according to a shaky video investigation by the Armstretchograph this week.

The Take One Pass One Free revelation is the most disgraceful revelation so far after a week of increasingly bizarre stories in which this newspaper discovered:

One examination board gives marks for incorrect dates on history papers if they are written in red ink

A Geography paper was marked by monkeys from Chesterfield Zoo in 2010

A Psychiatry A Level paper was marked by Physics examiners

Any mention of Tony Blair or Gordon Brown in a Sociology paper would automatically get an A* grade even if that was the only thing the candidate wrote on the paper in 2006-8.

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I fink its digrazeful wot shit the Telegraf hav ben puttin us ixaminers thru. What of it? City fat cats paper. I reed the Graunad its a much betta paper.

Yours, Mary Martindale, Chief Examiner SexEd

Dear Sir,

Jeremy Clarkson has been quiet this week, after last week's monumental expostulations. Thank heavens the BBC stopped him appearing on QI, Strictly Come Dancing, Frozen Planet, Antiques Roadshow, Songs Of Praise and CBeebies. Well done the BBC, another disaster averted.

Yours, Sir Michael Frobisheere

Dear Sir,

It's that time of the year again: May I join all my fellow punk readers of The Thun with a cordial chorus of the Pogues / Kirstie MacColl classic Christmas tune where we all sing "You scum bag you maggot you cheap lousy faggot" to those bastards in the European Union.

Yours, Adolf Fitler