Beepgate: Prominent TV Chef Arrested After Failing Tesco Self Service 'Beep!' Test

Beepgate: Tesco's shares crashed 16% today following news that it had arrested a famous television chef who used a self service checkout but failed to make it 'beep!' correctly.

The 60 year old television chef repeatedly forgot to make the machine beep! and put the items, mostly cheese, into his bag, it is reported.

Customers are clearly warned that they must make the machine beep! in instructions given to them for the first week the machines were installed in the shop.

A spokesman for the Tesco's self service machines told the Daily Moan:

"Customers must make the machine beep! or the sale is completely illegal."

Thousands of people every week successfully make the machines beep!, and some even remember to make it beep! with their Club Card, say informed sources.

But customers are warned that if the machine beeps when they pay by credit or debit card it is an error and Tescos can legally double, triple, or in some cases quadruple charge their card and it will only be the customer's stupid fault.

Also in today's paper:

The Antony Worrall Thompson All Cheese Diet Starts Today, Page 18

Would Tesco's Have Dared To Arrest Gordon Ramsay? Our Panel Of Experts Fight It Out

Balls Grabbed Miliband By The Testicles And Shouted "We're Doing It My Way"

A some say reliable website is reporting that Ed Balls used physical violence on Ed Miliband before changing party strategy last week to 'exactly what the Conservative Party are doing'.

The ballsy shadow Chancellor of the Exchequer, concerned that the Labour Party is trailing in the polls, is thought to have told Ed Miliband to 'shut' his 'mouth' and 'do it my way.'

The dubiously regarded website reported that the confrontation occurred in a Chinese restaurant in the West End of London, Thursday evening. Video of the confrontation has since been removed from YouTube in which Balls, 210lbs, reportedly threw noodles and soy sauce as he ranted about the lack of cheese.

Also in today's paper:

Lib Dems In House Of Lords To Approved Use Of Water Torture At Prime Ministers Questions, Report

Euro Crisis Goes From Bad To Worse As Traditional Naked Oil Slap Fight In Greek Parliament Breaks Out

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Two Eds are better than one - congratulations to the two Labour Eds, Miliband and Balls, for choosing to side, at last, with the Conservative Party. Am I the first to christen them Ed Miliballs? Please let me know.

Yours, Margy Thatcher-Streep, Cheam

Dear Sir,

Further to your excellent article on topless pop singers in history on the 3rd of the month. It included an excellent selection of a number of rapscallions this reader had never heard of priorly but would like to investigate more, furtherly, if only one knew how to turn my YouTube on. Anyone?

Yours, Sir Reginald Boloocks, Wittingstall

Dear Sir,

Is it just me or has anyone else noticed that English actor Simon Pegg is taking over Hollywood? Star Trek, Mission Impossible, Paul, and now playing the Number 10 cat in Thatcher alongside the inestimable Meryl Streep. He is simply purrfect.

Yours, Mildrew Smith, Battersea