US Election 2012: Are Americans Baldist? When Was The Last Time They Elected A Sexy Bald President ?

When was the last time the Americans elected a bald president? Our Celebrity Political Correspondent Jenny Moaner-Kingsmith investigates.

Take a quick look at all the Presidential candidates hoping to stand against Barack Obama and it's like you had walked into a male grooming catalogue.

Heads chockfull with thick hair, the lot of them!

Not a comb-over or a slaphead amongst them!!

In fact, it hasn't been since 1837, when Martin Van Buren was president, that they had a slaphead as Commander In Chief.

What, I hear you say. Wasn't Eisenhower a baldie?

Nope. It's a trick of your mind.

He had a receding hairline, yes babe, but any attempt to slap this guy's head would be muffled by a covering of follicle!!! Ooo wee.

Also in today's paper:

The Chocolate Cheesecake Diet - Start It Today [Link]

How To Get Away Without Shaving Your Shoulders When You Want To Put On That Strapless Dress - Femoan Special

Cameron Throws Weight Behind Campaign To Change Fred Goodwin's Whole Name

Pressure has been growing to get Fred Goodwin's knighthood removed for years, but now the prime minister has thrown his weight behind a group who wants to get Goodwin's whole name changed to something really embarrassing, like Mad Pillock, Fred Flintstone, or Big Willy.

"An Act Of Parliament is needed to change a person's name by force - the last time it happened was in 1942, so it can be done and we will look into doing it if we possibly can," David Cameron assured Andrew Marr on Sunday.

A spokesman for the group campaigning to get Fred Goodwin's whole name changed said:

"We want Fred Goodwin's name to be changed to something really really embarrassing. Removing just his Sir is no longer enough."

Possible new names for Fred Goodwin suggested by our readers include:

The Scottish Ripper

Shirley X Banker

Honey Monster

Money Penny

Also in today's paper:

How To Win the Lottery Without Even Buying A Ticket

How To Negotiate a £1.5 Million Bonus With Your Employer

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Sherlock Holmes threw a dummy of himself off the building and then ran down to lay in the exact position the dummy fell, deflating the dummy and putting it in his pocket. He took some drugs to stop his heart, making the hospital think he was dead. But he regained consciousness before his funeral, replacing his own body in the coffin with the dummy he had thrown off the building. Elementary.

Yours, Benedict Cucumberpatch

Dear Sir,

What was left of the hallucinogenic drugs used to make people think they saw a big dog in the previous week's episode, was put into the water supply making the whole country think they saw Sherlock Holmes jump off a tall building to his death but in fact he didn't.

Yours, Lord Haringey Butchersworth

Dear Sir,

It was Moriarty who jumped from the building, dressed as Sherlock Holmes. Moriarty was played by an actor who put a fake gun in his mouth and pretended to shoot himself dead. When the camera cut away he changed into Sherlock Holmes clothes and jumped off the building to his real death. Sherlock Holmes then ran away completely naked, just like that woman in the first episode in the second series, and met up with Dr Watson who luckily brought a spare deerstalker hat to cover Sherlock's penis. Sherlock then gave Dr Watson drugs to make him forget everything, and staged his own funeral... As the French say Et Voila!

Yours, Gerald Pigsniffer

Dear Sir,

I would like to complain about the nakedness in the last letter. It is quite disgraceful to publish such things in a newspaper that can be read before the watershed. I expect such filth from the BBC, but News International should know better.

Yours Rupert Digger-Goldman