Perry-Brand To Divorce Following Partnership Acronym Meltdown

Hopes of some sort of fairy tail Brangelina union between singing songstress Katy Perry and English joker Russell Brand have failed after an acronym couldn't be agreed upon, the Daily Moan can now reveal.

The couple argued for months over the best single word acronym for their partnership but all they could come up with was Rusty, made up of Russell's first three letters and Katy's last two.

Russell Katy

The stratospherically talented entertainers were of the opinion that Rusty just didn't hold the same potential that Brangelina had so it was time to call it a day after working on it for 14 months.

Also in today's paper:

Diet Tips For 2012: Just eat a bit less, how hard can that be? asks expert

The Cabbage New Year Diet: Full details of our controversial new diet pages 14-16 inside today

Whip 'Em Out, Says Gov Danger Tits Expert

Women who had dangerous tit jobs have been told to get em whipped out by a danger tits expert at once.

The stuff they put in some of the fake tits include ground down steel girder, kitchen tiles, and stuffed animals.

Pert be-breasted model Stacy Shamoan, regarded as the Jeremy Clarkson of models, told The Stir: "Fake breast implants filled with poisonous materials? I want to shoot anyone responsible in front of their families."

Also in today's paper:

The Helicopter New Year Diet: Full details of our controversial diet pages 27-28

The King Kong New Year Diet: How to lose weight like King Kong did from the movies. Page 56

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Imagine my horror when I came down with the seasonal vomiting and diarrhea bug. That's when having paper newspapers comes into its own. There is just no way to get enough towels down on the ground in time is there? No, these iPads look wonderful but their absorbency is nil.

Yours, Dick Dark, Marlybone Station

Dear Sir,

Thank heavens the Duke of Edinburgh has recovered from his pre Christmas heart scare. It is just nice to know that Jeremy Clarkson is standing by to pick up his mantle when he passes on.

Yours, Sir Shki Smith, Indian High Embassy

Dear Sir,

New Year, new me. I intend to start a new diet this year, does anyone have any ideas how I can lose about 3 stones without changing what I eat and doing any new exercise? Perhaps someone has got some miracle slimming pants they would like to sell me?

Yours, Mary Makehill