G4S Olympi-shambles

The government knew twenty years ago that G4S couldn't deliver on their Olympics security contract from reading this report from the Indigestion newspaper, a security expert specializing on the Olympics told this newspaper last night.

Speaking from his headquarters in a cave in the Yemen, Usif Siad-Thta said his plans for the Olympics were now 'further advanced than expected thanks to the brothers at G4S'.

He was unwilling to say what he meant by that, as he scratched the side of his nose with the tip of the hook on his right hand.

G4S came to fame in the 1990s as Group 4 Security, after they lost various prisoners they were transporting to prison, but would become one of the biggest security companies in the world due to their superior invoice raising department.

Speaking on the Andrew Marr Show, Culture, Booze and Olympics Minister Jeremy Funt said he was 'amazed G4S hadn't messed it up more than they had already'.

Apology: We would like to apologize for our incomplete explanation of the term 'choc ice' in a report this morning. Many readers have written to us to complain that our explanation didn't include modern choc ices that may have a brown chocolate ice cream filling. We also acknowledge that it gets even more complicated if the choc ice in question has white chocolate on the outside and brown chocolate ice cream inside. We are happy to acknowledge that some choc ices today have nuts in them, too. We would also like to apologize specifically to anyone with the surname Choccy who would have been particularly offended by paragraphs 7, 9 and 23.

MONEY MOAN: HOW TO USE CONFECTIONARY METAPHORS TO GET YOUR RACIST VIEWS ACROSS, PART 13 THE CHEWY BAR

Footballers In Various Possibly Racist Ice Cream Insults On Twitter

Premiership footballers degenerated into an ice cream metaphor mayhem today on Twitter.

Comments hurled included:

He's a Cornetto
He's a Tutti Fruiti
He's a Callippo
He's a juice bar
He's a knickerbockerglory
He's a Magnum
He's a Snickers ice cream bar

Twitter crashed at times while the context advertising went berserk.

Luckily no 02 user was affected by the crash because they couldn't use their smart phones for much of the time.

Also in today's paper:

London Westminster council explains how they finally managed to shut Paul McCartney up

Those William And Kate Honeymoon Pictures In Full

How to make the most out of the British Summer by saving on showers in the bathroom and showering outside instead

INSIDE THIS WEEK: THE PERSON FROM WESTMINSTER COUNCIL WHO GOT THE SPRINGSTEEN CONCERT STOPPED TO BE GIVEN NOISE ABATEMENT AWARD

Letters To The Editor - Olympics Special

Dear Sir,

If they wanted to arrest that guy at the head of G4S who would arrest him? Seriously, who? Would they need to get someone else in G4S to do it? One of his minions I would suspect? Seriously, this man is out of control, someone should do something about him at once. I suggest he accidentally chokes on his bonus.

Yours, Bruce Springstoin

Dear Sir,

Look on the bright side, the Olympics will be all over in 4 weeks time.

Toodles, Seb Coo

Dear Sir,

All this ball aching about the Olympishambles just makes my blood boil. Don't they know how difficult all this is to organize? I doubt anyone could have done better than G4S, and if there is anyone who says they can I invite them to invent a time machine and go back and do it which obviously they haven't done or it wouldn't all be a mess now.

Yours, Captain Kurt

Dear Sir,

I say let Westminister Council get involved - any malarkey and they close the whole Olympics thing down just like they did to Bruce Springsteen and Paul McCartney. That's the way to do it.

Yours, Sean Sayer