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West Coast Mainline, Ed Miliband whiny voice, Letters 3rd October 2012

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Rail Fail

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Daily Armstretchograph

'Wrong Kind Of Numbers' Blamed For West Coast Rail Delays

The government today blamed the wrong kind of numbers for a delay in handing over the West Coast mainline.

A spokesman told the Armstretchograph:

"It may sound like a silly thing to say, but this delay has been caused by the wrong sort of numbers, lots of them all at once."

Trains could stop running completely on 9th December when the current contract ends.

But the government is blaming civil servants in the Department for Transport (DfT) for the latest government U-turn.

A spokesman for the DfT told the Armstretchograph:

"This is not a U-turn. Trains can't do U-turns because they are stuck on tracks. I like to think of this as a temporary reconfiguring of service failure. Anybody who has a valid claim is advised to put in a claim form as soon as possible and by the end of the month, or phone our automated complaints line."

Unfortunately the automated phone complaints line service hung up when we selected option 7 (which was to actually speak to somebody at the DfT), when we called fifty times this morning

Correction: In an earlier article we accidentally reported that Ian Hislop, the Private Eye editor and British crying expert, is 17ft 8inches tall. We are happy to report that he is now back to his regular height of 5 ft 6inches.

Apology: In an earlier article we published a claim that Ian Hislop's claims that Britons cried a lot in the 18th century were 'completely unfounded'. We now accept that our claims that they didn't cry a lot are equally unfounded.

Miliband On Me 'Ed

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Daily Moan

Ed Miliband: Why I Talk To People Like They Are A Nervous Teenager

Ed Miliband, leader of the Labour Party, defended his talking to people like they are a nervous teenager today.

The Labour leader said he liked to elongate words to make them sound kinder and end sentences in a sort of whiny up note.

An expert in Prime Minister's Question Time told the Daily Moan:

"Ed Miliband doesn't ask a question at PMQs rather than he whines as if he's whining to his Dad to take him to Euro Disney. He has a complete lack of 'Grrrr!' in his voice. His 'look, lets all keep our tempers and we'll work this all out tiddly doo' attitude is going to drive the country completely crazy if he ever becomes Prime Minster."

This follows considerable applause for his speech at the Labour Party conference yesterday, but experts, once again, noted he was still determined to continue using his whiny voice.

Experts in public speaking suggested that Mr Miliband needs to aim his tone somewhere in between John Prescott and that moment just before Gordon Brown threw a mobile phone at him but without the swearing.

A voter told the Daily Moan:

"Ed needs to forget the calm whiny voice, we want more animal Grrrrr."

Also in today's paper:

David Beckham in his underpants, pages 12-16

David Beckham in someone else's underpants, pages 17-21

David Beckham to bring out new underpants range

 

Letters Pratt

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The Thun (The Times)

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I remember a former leader of the Conservative Party, I can't remember her name, once saying 'U-turn if you want to, this lady's not for turning'. Thanks heavens this government immediately changes its mind when it gets something wrong - it saves everyone a lot of time in the long run, and provides writers of The Thick Of It the material required to get out of their 3 episodes in a series comfort zone.

Yours, Percy Darcy

Dear Sir,

Much is made of the U-turns this government has made, such as the latest West Coast debacle they seem to be trying to pass on to the civil service. But when is running screaming from a burning building because you accidentally started a fire that's gotten out of control a U-turn? Because that is what this government is doing, repeatedly. This government is like Inspector Clouseau, but British, and we all know what happened to Peter Sellers in the end.

Yours, Pilsbury Baton

Dear Sir,

All I can say is thank heavens Jim never fixed it for me in the 1970's.

Yours, Jimmy Orville