Pope Scandal: The Butler Did It

The Pope's butler has been convicted in real life and not just, once again, in the Papal version of Cluedo, yesterday.

Experts had predicted that Reverend Green had done it in the kitchen with the lead piping.

But it turned out to be the butler in the Pope's office with the letter opener.

Nobody died.

Apology: In a series of articles over the last year we have discovered that we have been making extremely libelous and slanderous comments about a number of what turned out to be extremely litigious people. We regret to inform present and future litigants that we have now run out of money so suing us isn't going to make any difference.

Correction: In an earlier article we quoted Andrew Mitchell, chief whip, as saying: "Get on your ***king bike and look for work." We have been assured that he made no such statement.

TODAY: 300G OF MACKRELL INSIDE TODAY'S PAPER

Cameron To Use Leveson Report As Draught Excluder For Aged

The prime minister has said that he is going to donate copies of the Leveson Report to old peoples homes across the country.

Examples of uses to which the Leveson Report could be put are:

Draught excluder

Logs for the fire

To put under uneven table leg to stop table wobbling

Also in today's paper:

Premiership Footballer Guide To Discretely Using The F-Word

How to Spot The Drunken Premiership Footballer Tweeters And See Their Tweets Before They Delete Them

Are You Intelligent Enough To Be A Premiership Footballer? Take Our Quiz

FREE INSIDE TODAY: THE MANLY WAY TO SLAP ANOTHER MAN'S ARSE IN THE SHOWER

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I must complain about a news item on the BBC's website here, entitled 'Mike Bushell Flies Like Superman'. Exactly in which episode did Superman fly in the air with ruddy great jets of water coming out of his feet and an enormous pipe coming out of his back?

Yours, Maurice Peniser

Dear Sir,

I am sorry if this letter seems insensitive but I read in your normally excellent organ about a British holidaymaker who died after falling out of the ground floor apartment while on holiday in Spain. How is this possible? I would have thought he would only have been slightly bruised from that distance.

Yours, Tarby Garthenside

Dear Sir,

May I be the first to say what a silly name for a James Bond film is the title 'Skyfall'. 'Goldfinger' was a much better name.

Yours, Bruce Dottimind