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Bash A Burglar, Andrew Mitchell, Letters 14th October 2012

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Bash-A-Hoodie

WIN A DAVID CAMERON HALLOWEEN ROUGE FACE MAKE UP SET

Daily Armstretchograph

Government Clarifies 'Barbeque A Burglar' Policy

The government sought to clarify it's Barbeque a Burglar policy today.

In an exclusive interview with the Armstretchograph, a spokesman for the Justice Department sought to clarify the government's position:

"It is perfectly OK to throw a burglar onto a barbeque if you are cooking on it at the time of the burglary if it is a natural self defence instinct to do so.

But it is not acceptable to incapacitate a burglar, get the barbeque out, light it, get it nice and red hot, then throw the burglar on to it.

This is not a charter to barbeque a burglar, per se.

All we are saying is that, if you are barbecuing when a burglar comes round, if you were to throw him on the barbeque then you shouldn't be arrested for it.

(It might be a good idea to throw a couple of sausages on the barbeque so the police don't think you lit the barbeque just to fry the burglar on. Maybe fix some salad too. And you will need to think up an excuse if you need to throw the burglar on the barbeque at 4 in the morning, and, of course, then get everyone else in the house straight about the story they are going to tell the police and you should be OK.)"

Apology: In an earlier article entitled: Andrew Mitchell Wants You To F**k Off Too, we have been asked to confirm that Andrew Mitchell did at no time call you a pleb.

Correction: It has come to our attention that an earlier correction to an article published in February 2011 about former national treasure Jimmy Savile now needs to be corrected. Our earlier correction corrected the claim that Savile was a disgusting peadophile who looked like a knob in his gold shell suit. We are now happy to correct the correction and that we were right all along.

Hug-A-Plebbie

ANDREW MITCHELL GUIDE: HOW TO CYCLE AND SWEAR AT THE SAME TIME

Daily Moan

"I Would Have Gotten Away With It Too If It Wasn't For You Plebs", Says Chief Whip

The Andrew Mitchell affair deteriorated into a Scooby Doo type farce today as the chief whip was led off Downing Street premises by security guards.

Dressed as a mummy but with the head taken off to show his face, the chief whip, who had been enjoying an early Halloween party, made a short bitter statement to onlookers before being taken away.

Also in today's paper:

Judi Dench: The Pressure Of Being A National Treasure

Clare Balding: The Pleasure Of Being A National Treasure

 

Letters Finicky

HOW TO CRACK NUTS WITH JUST YOUR TEETH PART 7: WALNUTS

The Thun (The Times)

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Is it just me or are Andrew Marr's teeth starting to annoy everyone in his history programme on the BBC, Sunday night? He'll never make it in America with teeth like that. All that money they have spent on CGI and they forget dear old Andrew's teeth? I suggest they CGI in some white pearlies immediately.

Yours, Ben Buggatti

Dear Sir,

Further to your mostly excellent article about the government's new Barbecue a Burglar policy, I am still a little confused. Say I am sharpening my sword and a burglar comes in the house, can I cut his balls off?

Yours, Percy Nugget

Dear Sir,

So, if I am playing snooker and a burglar comes in the house, can I ram the cue down his throat?

Yours, Jimmy Parrot

Dear Sir,

So, if I am knitting a nice cardy for my grandson and a burglar comes in the house, can I smash my knitting needles in his eyes until he is dead?

Yours, Grandma Baker