|
|
MP In Jungle
EXCLUSIVE: NEWSNIGHT TO INCLUDE ROUND UP OF I'M A CELEBRITY GET ME OUT OF HERE
|
|
Nadine Dorries Left Country Before Seeing Allergy Results From Doctor, According To Her Medical Records
|
This newspaper has seen Nadine Dorries's medical records, showing she is allergic to a number of creepy crawlies, and at least seven things she may have to eat in the Bush Tucker Trial, but she left the country in such a hurry her doctor couldn't tell her the results of tests carried out on the 55 year old Liverpudlian.
The medical records, obtained legally within rules governed by the PCC, show that she is taking not only her political life in her own hands by going into the jungle, but maybe even her life, or at least her complexion which is in danger of erupting into fist size purple sores.
A medical expert, who yelped slightly and pulled an ooo face when we showed her Nadine's medical records, told the Dully Mirror that Dorries could be looking like a more lumpy version of Barney the Dinosaur by Saturday if she comes within three metres of a kangaroo's testicle, koala's anus or any four legged animal sputum.
Clarification: In an earlier article we claimed that Nadine Dorrie's nickname was Nads. This was something we made up.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Jungle Horror
EXCLUSIVE: NEWSNIGHT TO BE HOSTED BY ALAN PARTRIDGE ON FRIDAY
|
|
'Senior Tory From Thatcher Era' To Be Surprise Guest On I'm A Celebrity
|
A Conservative Party grandee from the Thatcher era is to make a surprise appearance on I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here.
We aren't allowed to tell you who it is for legal reasons, but just click 'Tory Grandee' and 'Jungle' on Twitter and it will become clear.
An expert in Tory Grandee's told the BBQ: "It's amazing he has the energy at his time in life."
Also in today's Newsnight:
Investigation: Is This The Sexiest Beach Christmas Photo Shoot In History?
How To Get Your Body As Good As David Hayes's In 'I'm A Celeb' In Just 7 Minutes A Day
Britain Risks 'Thousand Dip Recession', Says Bank Chief
Apology: The Ant And Dec Witch Costume Offer Was A Misprint, Please Stop Sending In Your Coupons
|
|
|
|
|
|
Letters Jungle
EXCLUSIVE: NEWSNIGHT TO BE GUEST HOSTED BY THE CRANKIES THIS FRIDAY
|
|
Letters To The Editor
|
Dear Sir,
I am writing to complain at the lack of wardrobe malfunctions in which major stars titties pop out all of a sudden at inopportune times. How difficult can it be for someone to make their boobies pop out for some extra publicity?
Yours, Ben Drudgeon
Dear Sir,
Have you seen how much weight Matthew McConaughey has lost so that he can play an aids sufferer in his next movie? It's only a matter of time until the press refer to him as Ma Mc.
Yours, Honey Golightly
Dear Sir,
Further to your excellent article on how to pick fights with Glaswegian's in a pub. Imagine my upset last Saturday evening when confusion ensued during my offereance of a fight to a cocky looking skinhead, outside - turns out he thought I wanted to have a cigarette with him.
Yours, Murray McTorrin
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
