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William Crisis, One Direction Mishap, Letters 21st November 2012

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Nuclear Error

EXCLUSIVE: CHRISTMAS SPECIAL - HOW TO EAT A MINCE PIE

Dully Mirror

Palace Website Told To Remove Pictures Of Prince William Doing Housework By MoD As Nuclear Bomb Security Breached

Pictures showing the behind the scenes life of Prince William at work in the army, with him wearing an apron, dusting with a Ken Dodd tickling stick type duster and talking to himself while making a cup of tea, had to be removed from a website after nuclear detonation codes could clearly be seen on the wall behind him.

Cuppa brewing Prince
Prince William making tea - security breach post it note

The codes, used to fire nuclear bombs, had been written on a post it note under the phrase: Top Secret don't tell anyone about these nuclear bomb codes old chap.

The MoD said that the codes are being changed as soon as the person who does that sort of thing comes back off holiday and everything should be secure again by Monday.

An expert told the Mirror: "It is quite a laborious activity to change the nuclear codes because of the age of the bombs. Changing the password can sometimes make things fall off or not work like what it says it should in the manual."

Apology: In an earlier article we printed out, in full, the British nuclear security codes that had been twittered by a leading member of parliament's wife. We have since made sure the Russians are on full flashing red alert should anything be fired at them until Monday when we have been assured the codes will finally be secure again.

One Direction

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Daily Moan

Singer From One Direction Looks Really Cute With A Puppy

Femoan

One Direction's Niall, the blond one, picked a puppy dog up and looked so cute we could have eaten him.

The puppy excitedly looked back at him and winked and licked his nose.

Screaming fans then ran round the corner, scaring the puppy so much that it shat a little in his hand and peed down his trousers.

But plucky Niall kept hold of the puppy and ran away, followed by the screaming fans, three of whom slipped on more poo from the gorgeous little puppy.

One of the fans, who fell over in the poo and wee, told the Moan: "I just love Niall, he's so fit."

Also in today's paper:

Is It Time For A British Thanksgiving Day? American's In Britain Sickies Surge Expected Thursday Again This Year

What Are You Thankful For? Join The American's For A Pig Out Turkey Meal This Thursday

British Turkey Industry Not Ready For A British Thanksgiving Day This Year Again, Says Industry Watchdog

Letters Muddle

EXCLUSIVE: CHRISTMAS SPECIAL - HOW TO DRESS UP LIKE SANTA FOR UNDER £250

The Thun (The Times)

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

It is an absolute disgrace that news of the Church of England not allowing women bishops was the top news story in your newspaper this morning, relegating Brian Conley's leaving of the Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here jungle to second place. Are you a newspaper or a borepaper?

Yours, Shelly Dumas

Dear Sir,

Please enter my letter into your bad sex in letters award:

"And he said oooooo! Like a lumbering wookie with his foot freshly banged on the bed post. Eight minutes of play had got us here, and it was over in under 8 seconds. But what 8 seconds! they both considered. And then decided to talk nothing about it ever again."

Yours, Bevyl Grainger

Dear Sir,

I didn't know you were having a bad sex in letters competition. Here's my entry (phnarf):

"The jockey mounted his filly like the champion he was. Gripping her between his legs to keep control and then plugging himself in as if he were an electrical instrument into the wall. And the sparks that flew were all him and nothing to do with the electrics."

Yours, Harry Bringart