What The Heck Did Lord Leveson Just Say?

People who don't like reading stuff were left flummoxed today after Lord Leveson told them to "read this" and then left the room, leaving behind a big 2000 page wad of reading on the table.

One non-reader told the Mirror: "I'm waiting for the movie I just don't have time to read a 2000 page report, even if it has been helpfully divided up into 4 parts."

Hugh Grant and Steve Coogan have been tipped to star in the movie of the report, with a load of old guys being sounded out to play everyone else.

One jobbing actor told the Mirror: "I have been asked to audition for a part in Volume 2 of the report."

Correction: In an earlier article "David Cameron Blows Raspberry At Leveson" we made a number of factual errors: David Cameron is the still Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and not Boris Johnson who is still the Mayor of London, Percy Grant is not related to Hugh Grant as we claimed, and Kelvin MacKenzie never appeared as an axe murderer in the movie Carry On Up The Cleavage.

READER OFFER: GET VOLUMES 1-3 OF THE LEVESON REPORT FREE, PART 4 ONLY £250

First Impact Of Leveson Report As Man Breaks Toe As It Falls On His Foot

Jeremy Drayford-Hughes was the first person to be injured this morning after three of the four volumes of the Leveson Report dropped on his toe.

Accident prone media watcher Drayford-Hughes, 27, was wearing toeless flip flops after an earlier accident.

One witness told The Thun: "It was a slow motion stationary disaster you often only see in really boring cartoons they show you at work as part of a health and safety course. The first volume, I think it was volume 4, fell onto his toe first and then volume 1 fell, volume 3 then toppled over. Luckily volume 2 missed his foot completely."

Also in today's paper:

Paper Folding Tricks With the Leveson Report

How To Turn the 2000 Page Leveson report Into 1000 fly swatters for the summer

Reader Poll: Which Is Better, Part Two or Part Three Of The Leveson Report? Have Your Say.

APOLOGY: SORRY FOR THE NAKED PICTURE OF AN 80 YEAR OLD CELEBRITY THAT ACCIDENTALLY APPEARED IN ERROR IN OUR ADVENT CALENDAR ON MONDAY

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I wasn't expecting a 2000 page Leveson Report. Surely it should have been tabloid sized with lots of pictures in if they want anybody to read it.

Yours, Ben Bradfield

Dear Sir,

Congratulations to the MMA fighter called Sam Boo for his name. Even when the audience are booing you it still sounds uplifting.

Yours, Prancy Dancy-Brand

Dear Sir,

Who's going to play Hugh Grant in the film of the Leveson Report? I do hope it's that nice Dominic West from The Hour.

Yours, Ben Bender