Royal Baby Special, Letters 5th December 2012

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Austerity to last until 2018

Baby Latest


Dully Mirror

Nation Rejoices, Kate Throws Up 24/7

Britain rejoiced today after it was revealed that Kate, 12 weeks, is pregnant.

"They'll be happy with either a King or Queen, they're not bothered which," said a source close to the couple.

The hospitalized future Queen had only two days earlier been seen playing hockey in high heels.

Morning sickness that lasts all day is normally a sign that it is a multiple birth.

One bystander standing outside the hospital told the Mirror: "The nation is excited that a new heir is in the oven, and the prospect of it being quadruplets is just fantastic."

The largest number of multiple births ever is 8, although that is rare.

Corrections: In an earlier article "The Dandy Dies At 75" we made a number of factual errors: Bananaman was never criticized by any European standards committee as being 'too bent' as we claimed; and Boris Johnson has never had a cow pie eating contest with Desperate Dan as we confidently asserted.

Correction: In an earlier report we reliably predicted that Kate would "be in hospital for the next 5 weeks as she is monitored by doctors". We have just discovered she is out of hospital after 3 days. Good on yer mum.

Baby Maybe


The Thun

Royal Baby: If It's Twins We're In Trouble, Says Constitutional Expert

Constitutional experts warned that Kate giving birth to twins could be storing up a war between the Windsor's over the coming fifty years.

Nick Clegg promised to get new legislation through enabling Kate's first daughter, were she to give birth to one, to be Queen, like her brother would become King if her baby was a boy.

But if there are twins it all depends on which one comes out first, a constitutional timing expert pointed out.

Worries are growing that if it is a multiple birth, and the boy comes out second but legislation hasn't been passed by the time of the birth, then it could open up an enormous row if the boy wants to take the throne, like his sister, sometime in the future.

It could be even worse if Kate gives birth to triplets and the girl is first and two boys are second and third.

It could be even worse than that if it's quadruplets and the girl is first and the boy is second and a girl is third and the boy is fourth.

Nick Clegg was unavailable for a clarification when we put this to him last night.

Also in today's paper:

What Will Kate's Baby Look Like? We Ask Primary School Children To Paint Us A Picture

How To Baby Talk To A Future King Or Queen

How To Get Ripped Abs By Throwing Up Every Five Minutes

Letters Baby


Daily Moan

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I am not surprised at all that comic The Dandy has retired and has gone to the online tablet in the sky. Being able to eat a whole cow in a pie is nothing to be proud of, like wot Desperate Dan does, and is surely one of the causes of the obesity epidemic we have in this country today. I say good riddance.

Yours, Shari Doodybricks

Dear Sir,

There is nothing funny about Kate having a little baby King or Queen in her tummy. If Frankie Boyle even raises his eyebrow about this it will set me off.

Yours, Jona Doobry

Dear Sir,

So, Frankie Boyle and James Arthur have had a set-to on Twitter. What X Factor needs is a judge like Boyle to give it some well needed credibility, or make it completely fall apart, whichever gets the most viewers.

Yours, Burt Cowell