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Mayan Apocalypse, Starbucks, Letters 9th December 2012

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End Of The World

EXCLUSIVE: 'I MADE IT THROUGH THE MAYAN APOCALYPSE' MUG FOR EVERY READER

Dully Mirror

Mayan Apocalypse Is Only Thing That Can Save Radio Pranksters Now

Prank callers on radio stations around the world have been told they will be the main casualty of the Mayan Apocalypse on 21st December, it has just been revealed in prophecy written five thousand years ago.

Radio prank callers are now widely expected to be the first to explode on 21st December 2012, just after the news and travel, at 20:12.

Prank radio callers had been ignored in earlier investigations of standards in the media and weren't even mentioned once in the Leveson Report, according to our reporter who has so far got to page 67 of the Leveson Report volume 1.

Correction: In an earlier article "Ben and Jerry To Bring Out Triple Dipple Ice Cream" we made a number of factual errors: Ben And Jerry are not bringing out a Triple Dipple ice cream; the chocolate used in the Triple Dipple ice cream does not contain chocolate shaped dollars; Ben and Jerry are not bringing out an Omnimarsh-mallowshambles ice cream either.

Startax

READER OFFER: 'DON'T PANIC ABOUT THE MAYAN APOCALYPSE AND CARRY ON' T-SHIRT FOR EVERY READER

The Thun

Is This How Starbucks Calculated Their £10mn Per Year For 2 Years Corp Tax Rate?

Starbucks, the apparently loss making in the UK coffee chain who last week offered to chip in £10mn corporation tax this year and next even though their accounts showed they made a loss, could have made £50mn profits last year, our calculator reports.

Reuters reports that Starbucks had sales of £1.2bn in the UK (link) over the last three years. The company does not split out individual territories in its accounts, someone on the internet told us.

So, dividing that Reuters £1.2bn by 3 for just last year, we get £400mn sales.

Starbucks has a group profit margin of 10.66% (according to this website - we have never heard of ycharts but Google ranks them highly) for the quarter to 30th September 2012.

Let's reduce that to 10% because it makes our calculations super easy.

On £400mn of sales, if profits are 10%, that means they made around £40mn profit in the UK.

Corporation tax is 20%, so 20% of £40mn is £8mn.

So £10mn per year is about right if their profit was actually £50mn.

[Play canned laughter here]

Also in today's paper:

My Dreams For A Happy Mayan Apocalypse Breakfast - What TV Chefs Will Be Serving On The Last Day Of Earth

Learn How To Get Out Of Paying Your Taxes By Faking A Heart Attack, Part 4 - Handling The Defibrillator Nightmare

How To Surf Gangnam Style

Letters End

READER OFFER: HOLIDAY IDEAS FOR THE MAYAN APOCALYPSE

Daily Moan

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I am sure I am not the only one looking forward to this year's Queen's Christmas Message which is in 3D for the first time. I do hope they are going to make the most of the 3D and that Her Majesty leans into camera possibly with a tray of mince pies in her arms, or at least allows a corgi to run into the camera to stick it's nose into the audience.

Yours, Jim Jallywinker

Dear Sir,

I am so looking forward to the Queen's Christmas Message in 3D this year. I do hope she will be standing in front of a giant Christmas tree with lights and presents for once again this year.

Yours, Yammer Hammerhead

Dear Sir,

Let me be the first to congratulate Jahemene Douglas / James Arthur, who has been my favourite on X Factor from his first audition, for winning this year's competition. I absolutely love him. (Please could you delete the loser to stop me looking like an attention seeking letter writing whore after the results have been announced if you decide to print my letter in your distinguished organ.)

Yours, Sherry Babyface