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Korean Satellite, Same Sex Marriage, Letters 12th December 2012

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Satellite Times

The Pyoowwwbang Times

Glorious Korean Scientists Launch Perfect Satellite

Glorious Korean scientists launched most advanced rocket ever invented, placing fantastic Korean satellite into perfect Korean orbit at precisely 16:37pm today, as planned by our glorious Korean leaders over 35 years ago.

A national party is to be held in recognition of this feat of great national honour, which makes the organisation of the Olympics look like the organisation of a simple game of tiddly winks.

Those singing and clapping while drinking glorious Korean tap water, include Kim Boom Zoom, Choo Long Wham, Choo Raw Hide and Yoo Fly Hi, members of the Presidium of the Political Bureau of the WPK Central Committee, other senior Party, state and army officials.

Correction: In an earlier article "Korea Is Brilliant Again" we made a number of errors: Korea's lead in technology over evil America is 56%, and not 43% as we reported; the potato harvest in 2012 was the best one since 1978 and not 1998 as we gloriously claimed; British prime minister David Cameron is a flatulence filled capitalist who doesn't know how to peel a potato.

Marriage Mayhem

READER OFFER: THE CHRISTMAS FOOD DIET - HOW TO GET RIPPED ABS BY EATING ONLY MINCE PIES AND CHRISTMAS PUD

The Thun

Government Announces New Police Force To Stop Single Sex Marriages In CofE Churches

Government outlined today how it intended to enforce new laws which will make gay marriages in Church of England churches illegal.

A new police force with an 0800 number can be called if anyone considers a marriage to be overly gay, it is proposed.

A fast response unit will then be scrambled to investigate and if necessary make arrests to stop the ceremony from proceeding.

Police will be looking particularly for people in large over elaborate dresses with too much makeup on, priests who talk like Graham Norton, and men who have a best man standing next to them.

Also in today's paper:

Roasting Your Chestnuts On An Open Fire In Schools - Health And Safety To Ban It Again This Year

Put All Your Christmas Ingredients Into One Christmas Pie To Save Time This Festive Season

Start Next Year's New Year Workout Early For Christmas This Year - Learn How To Do Press Ups With A Mince Pie, Sit Ups with Christmas Cake and Leg Raises With A Yule Log

Letters Wink

READER OFFER: STOP SMOKING THE CROCODILE WAY - FULL DETAILS INSIDE

Daily Moan

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I do not feel it is necessary to explain why I clicked dislike on this video along with 286 other people at the time of writing this letter...

Bah humbug!!!

Yours, Perry Dannbridge

Dear Sir,

I must object to your sniffy article suggesting that us parents think that heating up a can of baked beans or cooking a frozen pizza is "cooking". It is a little known skill how to cook a tin of baked beans still in the can in a microwave and I would suggest nobody tries it unless us parents tell you how to do it. Us parents also know how to cook a pizza without taking it out of the wrapper. If you are so smart you tell me how you do it? No, I thought not, bloody Daily Mail - stop acting like you know what you are talking about and let us teach our children as we see fit.

Yours, Jimmy Loggerhead

Dear Sir,

At last another album from those ones that we want Olivia Newton John and John Travolta. It beats the inevitable repeat of the awful Grease again this year - that film was twenty years out of date when they brought it out the first time, and it is now over thirty years later. All I can say is thank heavens John Travolta's hair hasn't all fallen out.

Yours, Barry Grubb