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Drugs In Cycling, In Out Referendum, Letters 23rd January 2013

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Cyclemedigate

PICTURE EXCLUSIVE: KATIE PRICE MARRIAGE BEACH BOOBY SPECIAL

The Eeeekonomist

1995-2005: 98.7% Of All Cyclists Were On Drugs Shocker

98.7% of everyone who ever got on a bicycle between the years 1995-2005 were on some sort of performance enhancing drug, a survey said last night.

Cyclists are well known psychosomatic over medicators, but the link between this and taking stuff to make them peddle faster has never been proved as people try to avoid asking a cyclist about their health, fearing long excruciatingly boring exchanges in the cold.

One expert, a reformed cyclist, told The Boobs: "You won't be able to find a cyclist without a month's supply of paracetamol in their cabinet, a half finished box of Lemsip and a bottle of Ribena."

Correction: In an article on Barack Obama's second inaugural ball we claimed you could see four nipples and one vagina during various wardrobe malfunctions of the performers. This, it turns out, was incorrect, and all the pictures we published in our newspaper had been photoshopped in our offices.

In/Out

FREE LESSON INSIDE: HOW TO DANCE OR SING LIKE RYLAN FROM X FACTOR

The Thun

David Cameron Outlines New 'In/Out, Shake It All About' Policy On Europe

Prime Minister David Cameron has pledged to shake Europe up and then give the country an in/out referendum in a long awaited speech, finally delivered today.

Okie Kokie purists said they would rather he did the in/out before the shake it all about.

Eurosceptics were putting their right hand up, and their right down and shaking it all around in celebration, according to Sky News.

Also in today's paper:

Is Prince Harry Too Much Army Not Enough Prince? Look At These Unpixellated Naked Pictures And You Decide.

Business: Shares In Diageo Rise 5% On News Prince Harry Back Home Again

How to drive your bike in London without drugs

 

Letters Flummox

INSIDE: LANCE ARMSTRONG ADMITS TO NOT PAYING HIS CABLE BILL FOR THE LAST 20 YEARS IN LATEST REVELATIONS

Daily Moan

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Oh dear, Prince Harry lets slip he killed someone. I do hope it wasn't anybody important.

Yours, Brendan Potshammer

Dear Sir,

How dare the BBC take out offensive racial swear words from the classic serial Fawlty Towers. It is only a matter of time until they take out the funny Nazi walks, the hilarious slapping of people from Spain and the shouting at old people who can't hear properly that made us laugh uncontrollably in the 1970s.

Yours, Jimmy Crackcorn

Dear Sir,

How dare Channel 4 show a programme What Happens In Kavos Stays In Kavos and then tells us what went on in Kavos. They mercilessly exploited a number of young people who thought it would all stay in Kavos and look what Channel 4 went and did? They did everything they could to make it not stay in Kavos!!! Will we ever be able to trust Channel 4 ever again?

Yours, Rev Sharpay Gungston

 
The Peeper
This Sunday in the Sunday People... Marilyn Monroe speaks about her life after the movies and why Barack Obama was her choice for president.