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Is Your Boss from Outer Space? Get A Body Like David Cameron and Letters 27th January 2013

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Bosses Are From Pluto, HR Are From Essex

EXCLUSIVE: THE GREAT BRITISH PISS OFF - PART 4 - INSULTS THROWN FROM A DISTANCE

The Eeeekonomist

Is Your Boss From Outer Space?

Is your boss from outer space?

Use our checklist to discover if your boss flies about in a UFO when he's not 'bossing' at work.

1. They look like one of the main characters in The Soprano's.

2. They use lies and deceptions in various dimensions until they get their way.

3. They disappear into a meeting room and come out looking strangely refreshed like they have just beamed up to their mothership and got a Lance Armstrong type boost.

4. They can do that neck squeezy thing with their fingers Darth Vader did in the first Star Wars movie.

5. They laugh in your face after having done you wrong.

6. Their ethics were taught from an early age on their planet and they see humankind as their sworn enemy.

7. They see empathy as a weakness and aim to distress weak people at least 10 times a day.

8. Pet's mysteriously disappear when brought into the office.

9. Their children don't look straight ahead when they bring them in for family day

10. They leave a strange unhumanly smell after being in the bathroom for over 10 minutes.

Correction: In an article "What Goes On In Davos Stays In Davos" we made a number of what turned out to be unfounded claims: George Osborne didn't laugh hysterically at anyone who said "GDP" at a meal the day before the worst GDP figures in a century came out; at the same meal, Boris Johnson didn't fluff his hair up, take his fondue fork and stick a marshmallow on the end and do an impersonation of Ken Dodd; and David Cameron didn't rip his shirt off Hulk Hogan style and challenge Boris Johnson to a pole dance dance off.

It'll Workout

FREE HEALTHY BLUEBERRYSCOPES FOR EVERY READER INSIDE

MP's Health (spoof of Men's Health)

Get Abs Like David Cameron In Just 4 Weeks

It takes everything you have to still be top of your game after two and a half years at the top, and, despite his administration's mid term problems, David Cameron still shows what a great set of abs can do to help him get the job done both in the cabinet and the bedroom.

In this month's magazine (the November issue, out 1st February) David Cameron shows us the diet and workout that keeps him in tip top PM shape.

In an exclusive five page exercise workout spread, Dave shows us the correct form for Eton Crunches, how you can use the 'Anyone For Tennis' excuse to get out of awkward telephone calls, sex games in the shower at any time of day, and a power breakfast that will make your arms grow three inches in just 8 days.

Diet: Pasty lovers may have expected that their tasty Cornish fare isn't on the PM's diet list, but you'll find out what's in a High Protein Chilli Pheasant Taco, and Roast Grouse In Master Splendid's Eton Brown Sauce With Pompidou Shredded Cucumber.

Also in today's paper:

Producers of movie Les Miserables agree to CGI in bad and yellowy teeth for DVD release in 2013, as fears white teeth could blind some viewers watching on High Definition TV Sets

Judy Dench: M Is Dead, Long Live The M. "My Death In Skyfall Should Be Seen As A New Beginning Not An End" Says The Beloved Icon

 

Letters Blimey

INSIDE: HOW WORRYING CAN SOLVE ALL YOUR PROBLEMS

Daily Moan

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Congratulations to The Fat Entertainment Touring Company for a wonderful evening's entertainment down my club. My favourite was fat Tom Jones and fat Spice Girls, but the whole company was remarkable.

Yours, Sherry Babysmith

Dear Sir,

Wouldn't it be hilarious if the Tory Obama became leader of the Conservative Party and the Labour Obama became leader of the Labour Party? Prime Minister's Question Time would quickly become my telly pick of the week.

Yours, Jenny Marigoldgloves

Dear Sir,

I saw Channel 4's excellent "What Goes On In Davos Stays In Davos." Was that a young David Cameron and a young Boris Johnson drinking each other's urine on that boat?

Yours, Gerald Monkton