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Reality Star Shock, Scotland The Brave and Letters 30th January 2013

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Nigella Talks Dirty
Cassetteboy vs. The One Show
 

Reality Latest

EXCLUSIVE: THE GREAT BRITISH BAKING IN TENTS SPECIAL - PART 15: CHOCOLATE ECLAIRS BAKED IN A WIGWAM

The Eeeekonomist

SHOCK REALITY BANGING SLUMP

The British Reality Stars Horniness Index fell 0.6% in the final quarter of 2012, the sharpest fall since the figure was first measured. Whilst it ended the year up 0.4%, it was the worst rise for the year in reality star horniness since the Great Depression.

The figures took a number of reality commentators by surprise, many of whom were expecting a larger rise for the year.

Jody Bangtastic, Big Brother contestant, season 5, told The Boobs: "The fact that the last quarter includes Katie Price's whirlwind romance and marriage with that stripper fella and various trips to beaches by the current and former stars of TOWIE, it makes these figures difficult to understand."

Reality stars horniness rose 0.3% in Germany, and 1.2% in the USA in the same period.

Correction: In an article "Why Did George Osborne Leave His House With His Underpants Showing?" we made a number of unfounded claims: Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne, did not leave his house with his underpants showing; he dresses himself and his wife doesn't have anything to do with it; and the picture on the front page had been photoshopped to make it look like his underpants were showing when in fact they weren't.

It's A Scotout

NEW YEAR NEW YOU: HOW TO LIFT YOUR LEG LIKE AN OLYMPIC HURDLER

The Thun (spoof of The Times)

Scottish Independence: SNP Changes Referendum Question

The Scottish government has agreed to change the wording of its independence referendum question, after concerns it may lead people to vote 'Yes'.

SNP ministers wanted to ask voters the question: "Do you agree that the English are all a bunch of bastards?" in autumn 2014.

The wording of the question will now be altered to: "Should Scotland be an independent country?"

The Electoral Commission Watchdog purred like a cat with a new ball of wool following the announcement.

Also in today's paper:

Surfer Rides Smallest Wave

OFT Says Price Of Petrol 'Perfect'

Jimmy Carr Vicariously Blamed For Man Being Punched In Balls With A Stick

 

Letters Boom

INSIDE: FREE COMFY SLIPPERS FOR EVERY READER INSIDE TODAY

Daily Moan

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Oive beeen avin trooble speeakin to those BT chappies in India. Thoy soy thoy can't onderstond moi occent. Fookin hell Boytoi wot are yew up tew?

Yours, Angroy from Burmin'am

Dear Sir,

At last Diet Coke have brought back the shirtless sexy man in their adverts, we've been putting up with that porky polar bear bastard in the full fat Coca Cola ads all these years.

Yours, Sharon Boondock

Dear Sir,

Re BBC3's Prince Harry In Afghanistan. I only tuned in to hear Prince Harry swear his balls off, and all I got was "brew bitch". What kind of army swearing is that? Come on BBC3 do you job.

Yours, Pvt Jody Poorskin