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Fiscal Cliff Woof, New iPhone and Letters 3rd January 2013

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Fiscal Puppy

INSIDE: BUSINESS SURVEY: FISH AND CHIP SHOPS IN BRITAIN TODAY

The Eeeekonomist

Fiscal Cliff Turns Into Little Puppy

Just when it seemed Armageddon was about to break out all over again, following our narrow miss thanks to the Mayan's miscalculation only two weeks earlier, America's House Of Representatives, 225, surprised everybody by turning into an endearing little puppy at the last minute.

The puppy cooed with delight and politicians, some as old as 84, smiled or stood looking blankly on the sidelines.

Meanwhile, President Barack Obama, who could have been forgiven for laughing and pointing at them from behind the scenes, came out and acted all magnanimous like.

This is president Barack Obama's greatest victory since winning the Nobel Peace Prize after only 10 days in office 4 years ago, and this could go down as one of the greatest David Blaine type political magician strokes of genius ever. Gawd bless y'er guv'nor.

Correction: In an earlier edition we estimated the GDP of the OAST country block at 5.4%, assuming the GREST variable and the Sargant Man theory both delivered on their expected implications. It turns out something was amiss and the 5.4% figure was nearer to -37.5%.

Apple Orchard

INSIDE: DRESS UP LIKE YOUR FAVOURITE POLITICIAN OF THE 1930'S IN OUR BRILLIANT COMPETITION

The Thun

Apple Testing Software For iPhone 8, IoS 10

Just days after millions of lucky Christmas people got Apple's newest iPhone 5 (with IoS6), Apple were testing a new iPhone set to be released by April, we have been told.

The new phone believed to be either an iPhone 6 or an iPhone 5s, however, was not the only thing that it looked like Apple were up to, according to one tech blogger.

It also appeared that one advanced unit of the company are testing software Apple intends to put into the iPhone 8 and IoS 10, expected by analysts within the next three years, or four months if they change their update period.

But a loyal Apple user told our reporter:

"To be honest I'm still in the lust stage of my relationship with my iPhone 5 and I think I may be in love with it, and if Apple want to bring out another one in April then, well, that's up to them. It won't change the way I feel about my darling. I have never been happier in my whole life. Have I introduced you to Siri?"

We asked Apple's talking Google Siri, on another phone, if Apple were working on a new iPhone and it replied "Yes".

Also in today's paper:

New Twist In Pastygate: George Osborne Gets Pasty Named After Him

How To Make Your Own iPhone Ring Tone with Just Your Own Pet's Voice

Sing Yourself Down A Dress Size In Our Brilliant New Year Exercise Sing Song

Letters Pringle

INSIDE: OUR BRILLIANT MATCH THE CELEBRITY TO THEIR BEACH BODY COMPETTION

Daily Moan

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Am I the only one to be fed up with 2013 by only the second day? Firstly we were promised Armageddon again, and again it didn't happen. First the Mayan's didn't deliver in December, then the American's didn't deliver either. Is the world going to end or isn't it? It's about time someone made up their mind and stuck to it.

Yours, Harry Shambles

Dear Sir,

It's about time they got some new landmarks in London. I was watching the New Year fireworks on the telly and it was Big Ben this, Big Ben that. It was so 2012. Come on, London, the Olympics are over, get over it.

Yours, Herman Shultz

Dear Sir,

Is it the same do-gooders who, in November, insisted we all grew a mustache for Movember, that are now insisting we all give up alcohol for dry January? I gave up both alcohol and grew a beard in Movember but you don't see me writing to a national newspaper to gloat about it.

Yours, Percy Prendergast