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Horse Food Gate, Squirrel DNA, and Letters 3rd February 2013

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Horsegate

EXCLUSIVE: THE GREAT BRITISH BAKING IN TENTS SPECIAL - PART 16: PARTY CAKES BAKED IN A MODERN TWO PERSON HIKING TENT

Dully Mirror (spoof of The Daily Mirror)

Horse Food Found In Vegetarian Burgers

Oats, carrots, grain and even apple DNA has been found in supermarket vegetarian burgers, turning up by 6 the magnitude of the food contaminants in burgers crisis last night.

The latest revelations once again come from the Irish Ministry Of Food.

A concerned citizen on Twitter tweeted: "Supermarkets should remove vegetarian burgers from their shelves as a precaution."

But a fan of vegetarian burgers was adamant that horse food is safe to eat in vegetarian burgers as horses are themselves vegetarians.

A spokesman from Tesco didn't seem to understand the seriousness of the escalation in the crisis when we called last night.

Correction: In an article "Why Did Chris Grayling Leave His House With A Shiny Bald Head?" we made a number of unfounded claims: Chris Grayling does not polish his head, it is naturally extremely shiny; the picture on the front of the paper had been enhanced to make it look like Mr Grayling's head was shining more than it was; Mr Grayling has never been sent to prison for having a shiny head; Mr Grayling's cousin is not the Moors Murderer Myra Hindley; Mr Grayling and Iain Duncan Smith are not related despite both being bald.

Squirrelgate

NEW YEAR NEW YOU: HOW TO SAVE HUNDREDS OF POUNDS GIVING YOURSELF A FOOT MASSAGE WITH YOUR SHOES STILL ON

The Thun (spoof of The Times)

Fears Squirrel DNA About To Be Found In Beef Burgers

Fears were growing last night that squirrel DNA will be the next foreign DNA to be found in beef burgers.

In an exclusive investigation by The Thun our discoveries show that scientists are increasingly worried that squirrel DNA will be the next to be discovered in beef.

At the moment squirrel DNA isn't even being tested for.

If squirrel DNA is found in beef burgers next, chaos will ensue in the supermarket aisles, it is predicted.

If even just one squirrel jumped into the beef mixing unit and got squashed it could have contaminated the whole batch, one expert revealed to our reporter.

Also in today's paper:

Why I Allow My Neighbours To Smack My Children, Says Tory Minister

Have Liberal Democrats Been Infiltrated By Russian Secret Service? "No" Says Minister

Is it just me or do these beef burgers taste like lion? asks Jamie Oliver

 

Letters Potty

INSIDE: FREE DOG LEAD FOR EVERY READER INSIDE TODAY

Daily Moan

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Well done to Eddie The Eagle for winning Splash! the Tom Daley celebrity diving competition and only weeks ago dubbed by the Daily Moan as the worst television show ever. Thank heavens Tom Daley remembered to put his speedos on again this week.

Yours, Gerald Butler

Dear Sir,

Chris Grayling and Iain Duncan Smith are like two peas in a pod, not only are they fellow cabinet ministers, they also look a bit like peas too...

"Two peas in a pod"
Graylingpea
Smithpea
Chris Graling Iain Duncan Smith

Yours, Percy Higgins

Dear Sir,

I am confused by the rugby on Saturday. Why does the referee keep penalising the players for holding on to the ball and then lets them run down the pitch holding the ball? I say make up your mind ref.

Yours, Benny Barnes