Horse Meat Scandal Latest - FSA In Trouble and Letters 9th February 2013

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EXCLUSIVE: THE GREAT BRITISH BAKING IN TENTS SPECIAL - PART 18: FAIRY CAKES IN A CHUM TENT

Horse Meat Scandal: Situation Now 'Stable', Says Minister

The government downgraded the horse in frozen beef meals scandal to "stable" last night, after no new horse meat was discovered during the day.

"I am happy to say you can now eat your Find'orse products. If I myself had a Find'orse product in my freezer I would be happy to eat it right now," said the minister.

Find'orse - spoof of Findus

Earlier in the day the Prime Minister, David Cameron, said he found the whole situation left a "nasty taste in the mouth."

Tests for heroin, cocaine and cannabis returned negative, the FSA reported last night.

Correction: In an article "My Horse My Horse My Kingdom For A Horse, Head Of Findus Steps Down" we made a number of errors: the head of Findus has not stepped down; the head of Findus never said the quotes attributed to him; Horse meat does not make you run faster as we claimed and Italy beat France 23-18 in the 6 Nations rugby.

NEW YEAR NEW YOU: HOW TO GET AB MUSCLES LIKE THE STARS - PART 7: JACK BLACK

FSA Do Not Know If Old People Were In Those Burgers

The horse meat in burgers and lasagna scandal was turned up another notch this morning after the FSA were forced to admit they haven't checked whether human flesh was in the burgers.

Questioned by some silvered haired bloke from Channel 4, the FSA went all quiet when asked if it tested for dogs or cats.

What he wasn't asked was if the FSA were checking for old people who have mysteriously disappeared from NHS hospitals over the last two years.

Eating old people is illegal and if it turns out human flesh had made it into the food chain then this could be a horriblyest grisleyest turn imaginable, a bit like a horror movie.

A spokesman from Find'orse did not return our emails when we sarcastically wrote to them last night.

Other meats not being checked for include: budgie, badger and Moshi Monster.

Also in today's paper:

Minister To Eat Find'orse Lasagna To Prove It Is OK, On Live TV

Minster Taken Ill, Not Believed Linked To Eating Find'orse Lasagna On Live TV

Minister Resigns, Citing Ill Health Hours After Eating Find'orse Lasagna On Live TV

INSIDE: FREE GUIDE, MAKE THOUSANDS WRITING COMPLAINING LETTERS

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I was always suspicious that there was horse in the Findus Beef Lasagna as they always gave me the trots.

Yours, Henry Foodbater

Dear Sir,

Why don't we have a name for horse meat, like we have the word "beef" for cow meat or "venison" for deer. Saying horse meat just sounds like we are eating Black Beauty or Champion The Wonder Horse which is just ucky.

Yours, Harry Unfair

Dear Sir,

How dare they say David Attenborough doesn't feature gay animals in his programmes. Are you really telling me penguins are straight? Look at them, they couldn't be gayer if they tried.

Yours, Sheila Bonion