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From Pope To Nope, Ex-Pope Fashion and Letters 13th February 2013

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Pope Hope

EXCLUSIVE: HOW TO BEAT, TOSS AND EAT PANCAKES THE TOWIE WAY

Dully Mirror (spoof of The Daily Mirror)

From Pope To Nope

Pope Benedict will be renamed Nope Benedict after retiring as Pope at the end of the month, it was confirmed last night.

He will immediately banish himself from wearing his official Pope clothing, and will become the first Nope for 600 years.

The correct address to the Nope will be 'Your Holiness the Nope'.

Fears that he might accidentally bless things and overrule the actual Pope, who is to be elected later, is a constant problem and it means that Nope Benedict will have to be accompanied by a priest at all times, especially while in the bathroom.

Eating fish with a fork will be mandatory and Chinese takeaways on Fridays frowned upon during Lent.

Correction: In yesterday's article "Pope Ben Retires" we made a number of errors: the fractal energy of a prism when a laser light of more than 56 mega blimlitudes is shined through it does not "warble like a duck" as we claimed; Harry from One Direction is not the Second Coming of anything; and it is not impossible to get your elbow licked whilst feeding the dog.

Pope Cloak

PANCAKE WORKOUT: HOW TO EAT PANCAKES AND STILL LOSE WEIGHT

The Thun (spoof of The Times)

Fashion Special: What Does A Retired Pope Wear?

Fashion experts predict that the Pope, when he retires at the end of the month, will favour browny woolen granddad monk chic clothing, last seen 600 years ago.

Italian fashion designers are already fretting and shouting about how to update what many will see as boring clothing after the exuberance of everyday Popewear.

A designer of monk chic clothing told The Thun: "There is a growing demand amongst the affluent over 80's for a line of clothing an ex Pope will wear. What the over 80's need is a David Beckham type figure, and Nope Benedict could be it."

Did You Know?: If you search for Monk Chic on Google images you get this cute little squirrel, aaah.

Monk Chic squirrel - Google images

Also in today's paper:

Are These The Slippers Ex Pope Benedict Will Wear?

Man Finds Image Of Pope Benedict On Pancake, Then Eats It

Exclusive: Popular TV Personality Leaves Twitter, Then Comes Back Again, Five Times

 

Letters Plop

INSIDE: HOW TO EAT A PANCAKE WITH ONE HAND TIED BEHIND YOUR BACK

Daily Moan

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I was lucky enough to try a horse burger the other day in my local Italian restaurant. Imagine my surprise when they tasted nothing like Tesco's value beef burgers.

Yours, Barry Dangermouse

Dear Sir,

Will you please stop telling me what's going in to my processed beef? For me healthy eating isn't an option as I am a junkfoodophile.

Yours, Berty Woabladder

Dear Sir,

I completely agree with that minister who advised eating roadkill rather than processed beef from the supermarkets. I had a nice squashed hedgehog last night: it's yummy with sweet potatoes.

Yours, Jim, The Next Pope