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Horsemeat In Space, Horsemeat in Schools and Letters 17th February 2013

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Horse Hope

EXCLUSIVE: HOW TO REMOVE PANCAKE STAINS FROM THE CEILING AFTER YOUR PANCAKE DAY TOSSING WENT WRONG

Dully Mirror (spoof of The Daily Mirror)
 

Has Horse Meat Been Found In Space?

 

The horsemeat in food scandal went intergalactic last night after tests could be about to show that horse meat was in burgers eaten by astronauts on the International Space Station.

Burgers in space
Space Station burgers (public domain - NASA)

Horsemeat in space is the most serious turn in the crisis yet and could mean it is only a matter of time until horsemeat infects the Moon.

An expert and fan of telly science sensation Brian Cox, said: "If horsemeat has gotten outside of Earth's orbit it could mean this scandal is about to hit the lunar surface."

"Whilst nobody has looked, there is no evidence that horsemeat has made it to the moon," a government minister said last night.

Correction: In yesterday's article "Expert Claims Horsemeat Could Be In Water Supply" we made an error: the chemical make up of water is H2O, but the H does not mean horse as we reported.

Horse Death

NEW YEAR NEW YOU: HOW TO GET A SIX PACK FOR ONLY £4.50 - SUPERMARKET BEER OFFER VOUCHER INSIDE TODAY

The Thun (spoof of The Times)

Did School Kids Eat Grand National Star?

School children, some as young as 5, could have been fed Grand National star Synchronised, it was feared last night.

Synchronised started the 2012 Grand National as favourite but ended up being shot all of a sudden after some sort of thing.

Synchronised's carcass then could have been sent to an abattoir who then could have put it into beef products, an expert said last night.

Tests by councils cannot tell if the horse DNA found in cottage pies sent to schools included Synchronised, the Grand National horse destroyed after it fell.

"This is an absolute disgrace. If school children have been fed Grand National runners it escalates this crisis to whole another level, again," said Mario Pimmshuffler, a scientist.

One reader emailed: "When they say they 'destroyed' horses at race courses I assumed they exploded them up to pieces and had no idea it meant they just shot them and then used their meat to feed to school children. It's a disgrace, the Grand National should be banned."

Also in today's paper:

Why The Long Face? Which Of These Hollywood Stars Ate Horsemeat For Lunch?

Oscar Pistorius: "I'm Numb To My Knee Caps"

Exclusive: TOWIE Disaster On Pancake Day - Granny Unrecognisable After Flour Bomb Explodes

 

Letters Banjo

INSIDE: HOW TO WIN AN ARGUMENT WITH AN EXTREMIST: PART 5: SAY THEY ARE FAT

Daily Moan

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I do hope we are going to have a minutes silence at the Grand National this year for all the horses we have eaten over the last year.

Yours, Percy Ganges

Dear Sir,

I have been working in the Daily Mail canteen for the last five years and have been replacing all the beef with horsemeat. I have also been spitting in your soup, and farting in your omlettes.

Yours, Harry Zschtrovia (Now deported)

Dear Sir,

It is time to ban government regulators with the initials FSA. The Financial Services Agency completely mucked up all the banks. Now it looks like the Food Standards Agency didn't spot horsemeat in our beef burgers. At this rate it looks like FSA actually stands for F***!ng Stupid Arses.

Yours, Benjy Jamesballs