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Falklands Vote, More Cabinet Ministers Should Be Jailed and Letters 13th March 2013

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Falklands Vote

EXCLUSIVE: RARE PICTURE OF GEORGE OSBORNE SITTING AT DESK DOING CHANCELLOR WORK

Dully Mirror (spoof of The Daily Mirror)

Search Begins For The Three Falkland Islanders Who Voted No

Port Stanley, Falkland Islands: Shortly after news that 1,513 Falkland Islanders voted to stay More British Than The British™ in a poll last week, it was revealed that 3 wanted to become Argies.

A spokesman told the Mirror: "There will be no witch hunt to find the Falklands Three, but we'll certainly be asking in the pub who they think it is and we'll be keeping an eye on them."

But one local said he knew who the three were and claimed that the three who voted NO were just "having a laugh" and "weren't Argies at all." "It was the funniest thing that has happened on these islands for the last thirty years, absolute corker," he said.

We phoned Shawnie Penn for a comment and she referred us to Sean Penn.

Correction: In an earlier draft of this story we reported that Margaret Thatcher, 85-89, owned a dog whilst at Number 10 called "Mark". It turns out this was her son.

Clarification: In our cookery article on page 17 of Monday's paper, Daniel Craig is the current James Bond and is not about to announce the release of a range of chicken cooking sauces as we seemed to have reported exclusively.

Economist Woe 2

NEW YEAR NEW YOU: HOW TO BUY A BEACH BODY IN TIME FOR YOUR SUMMER HOLIDAY

The Eekonomist (spoof of The Economist)

It Is This Paper's Opinion That Not Enough Cabinet Members Were Jailed This Week

I am writing this outside Holloway Prison, where one of the country's preeminent eeekonomists is being held at the start of an 8 month sentence for perverting the course of justice.

Vicky Price, 60, is the most high profile Greek born eeekonomist to be jailed so far since the financial crisis exploded in 2008.

Her ex husband, former Environment Minister and LibDem cabinet bruiser, Chris Huhne, was also sent to prison, where he disappointed many for not being much of a prison bruiser, with one of the guards taking the mickey out of him for not having any tattoos and 'a posh haircut that made him look like a girl'.

This newspaper thinks it is a disappointment that more members of the cabinet had not been thrown into jail last week; including David Cameron for dangerous driving (U Turns), George Osborne for Assault With His Red Budget Box, and Theresa May For Threats To Stab The Prime Minister In The Back.

Also in today's paper:

What would Joan Rivers look like today if she hadn't spent all her money on plastic surgery? Our 4 year old artists have their say.

30 Stone Wife Of Fitness Expert Can't Stop Eating Chips

Which Kardashian Are You? Take Our Fun Poll

Karl Marx Named The Funniest Smelling Economist Of The 20th Century

 

Letters Troll

INSIDE: DAVID CAMERON SEX DOLL REDUCED 95% IN OUR BRILLIANT POLITICAL SALE

Daily Moan

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

How dare Ed Miliband say David Cameron couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery at PMQ's today. Everyone knows you can't drink the booze in a brewery these days due to health and safety rules the last Labour government brought in.

Yours, Percy Munger

Dear Agony Sir,

I was listening to Tony Blackburn's Pick Of The Pops on Saturday and all the music he played was from over 30 years ago. Get with it, Blackburn, and play some modern tunes and stop being stuck in the past.

Yours, Sherlee Brando

Dear Sir,

Joan Rivers needs to shut her cake hole when she's talking about our Adele's weight or Adele will have to show her what to do with it.

Yours, Curt Mangle