Search Begins For The Three Falkland Islanders Who Voted No

Port Stanley, Falkland Islands: Shortly after news that 1,513 Falkland Islanders voted to stay More British Than The British™ in a poll last week, it was revealed that 3 wanted to become Argies.

A spokesman told the Mirror: "There will be no witch hunt to find the Falklands Three, but we'll certainly be asking in the pub who they think it is and we'll be keeping an eye on them."

But one local said he knew who the three were and claimed that the three who voted NO were just "having a laugh" and "weren't Argies at all." "It was the funniest thing that has happened on these islands for the last thirty years, absolute corker," he said.

We phoned Shawnie Penn for a comment and she referred us to Sean Penn.

Correction: In an earlier draft of this story we reported that Margaret Thatcher, 85-89, owned a dog whilst at Number 10 called "Mark". It turns out this was her son.

Clarification: In our cookery article on page 17 of Monday's paper, Daniel Craig is the current James Bond and is not about to announce the release of a range of chicken cooking sauces as we seemed to have reported exclusively.

It Is This Paper's Opinion That Not Enough Cabinet Members Were Jailed This Week

I am writing this outside Holloway Prison, where one of the country's preeminent eeekonomists is being held at the start of an 8 month sentence for perverting the course of justice.

Vicky Price, 60, is the most high profile Greek born eeekonomist to be jailed so far since the financial crisis exploded in 2008.

Her ex husband, former Environment Minister and LibDem cabinet bruiser, Chris Huhne, was also sent to prison, where he disappointed many for not being much of a prison bruiser, with one of the guards taking the mickey out of him for not having any tattoos and 'a posh haircut that made him look like a girl'.

This newspaper thinks it is a disappointment that more members of the cabinet had not been thrown into jail last week; including David Cameron for dangerous driving (U Turns), George Osborne for Assault With His Red Budget Box, and Theresa May For Threats To Stab The Prime Minister In The Back.

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