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Football Biting, Osborne's Tears, Letters 22nd April 2013

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Biting News

FREE INSIDE TODAY - DIET 2013: HOW TO LOSE A DRESS SIZE BY EATING ONLY SEAWEED

Dully Mirror

Biting Not Specifically Banned In Football Laws

A quick search of the football laws by this newspaper shows that biting is not specifically banned in the laws of the game.

This could be good news for any football player who bites another player, according to some guy on the sports desk.

Other offenses not specifically banned include:

Putting makeup on to make yourself look like the other player's girlfriend to put him off playing as long as the ref doesn't see it

Pulling another player's shorts down to his ankles, as long as the ref doesn't see it

Pulling the corner flag down to thwack a player up the bottom as long as the ref doesn't see it

Did You Know? Dominika Baranovsky, the Russian Joan Rivers, says Adele would look better if she put on a few pounds.

Correction: In our article, yesterday, entitled: The Voice vs BGT, it seems that we mistook BGT with BLT, the bacon lettuce and tomato sandwich. We would specifically like to apologise to Paul Hollywood who we accused of making the bread.

Osborne Tears

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The Thun (The Times)

George Osborne Still Crying Five Days After Funeral

George Osborne has continued to cry since Wednesday, when he was seen weeping in public at some funeral or other.

Normally, public displays of emotion from a chancellor would affect the stock market, but experts say that investors have already priced in Osborne, 26, taking all his clothes off and waving his pants round his head.

Claiming he felt 'refreshed', and 'empowered' by his weeping, many around him are increasingly concerned at the erratic outbursts of tears from the youngest chancellor of the exchequer for 2 million years.

Support for his public display of emotion came from the deputy prime minister, Nick Clegg, who said that he was proud to stand behind the chancellor holding the box of tissues.

Also in today's paper:

8 Year Old Kid Racks Up Bill Of £87,000 On iPad In Just Three Hours

7 Year Old Makes £43,000 Profit on iPad in 20 Minutes

Britain's iPads To Go On Strike Thursday For More Money

Letters Constantinople

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Daily Moan (The Daily Mail)

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

George Osborne crying at Margaret Thatcher's funeral reminded me of the nursery rhyme Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie, but instead of kissing the girls and making them cry, George cried himself. Oh, George, you sad tosser.

Yours, Momo Idearest

Dear Sir,

I downloaded your free iPad app only to find that I then had to pay £40,000 for the newspaper to read. No wonder these children run up hefty bills, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Yours, Sherry Dante

Dear Sir,

Well done to George Osborne for his honest display of emotion at The Iron Lady's funeral last week. Just imagine how much less respect we would have given him had he got a fit of uncontrollable giggles.

Yours, Harry Gorblimey