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Europe Referendum, Police Armed With Water Pistols, Letters 15th May 2013

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Revolting Backbench

INSIDE TODAY - HOW TO WIN THE EUROVISION SONG CONTEST PART 2: DRESS LIKE A TART

Dully Mirror (Daily Mirror spoof)

Backbench Revolt: Pressure Grows To Pull Out Of Eurovision Song Contest Before Saturday

The government was in a state of disarray this morning while the prime minister was out of the country.

A group of Conservative backbench MPs said they intended to table a motion to bring forward a vote in the Commons tonight to remove the UK from the Eurovision Song Contest before Saturday.

There are current plans for a referendum which could see the country withdraw from the contest in 2017.

The UK hasn't won the contest in over 10 years and regularly comes in the bottom 10, a clear sign of a conspiracy against the UK.

Dicky Boner, MP from Tophatshire, said: "Enough is enough. We pay all this money for an event and we get nothing out of it, it's time to withdrawn and the rest of Europe be damned."

BREAKING: Ireland's Justin Bieber look-i-likie entry to the Eurovision Song Contest relieves himself in official Eurovision toilets.

Did You Know? A Belieber is a person who believes in Justin Bieber. Justin Bieber's initials, JB, are only one letter away from JC, Jesus Christ.

Correction: In our article entitled: When Harry Met Sally Meg Ryan's Restaurant Scene Voted Most Naughty In Movie History, it seems that we made a number of errors. Meg Ryan is not related to Ryanair. Meg Ryan starred as Goose's wife in the movie Top Gun. Nutmeg is not related to Meg Ryan as we claimed.

Police Riot

EXCLUSIVE - WILL BONNIE TYLER WIN THE EUROVISION SONG CONTEST FOR BRITAIN ON SATURDAY? IF SHE DOESN'T IT'S ANOTHER EUROPEAN STITCH UP

Daily Armstretchograph (Spoof of the Daily Telegraph)

Riot Police To Be Armed With Water Pistols

Dozens of riot police are being trained in how to use hand held water pistols at a secret training camp in Hampshire, pictures revealed on t'internet showed today.

Controversial plans to introduce water cannons have been shelved because they cost too much.

A police spokesman told the Armstretchograph: "These are cutting edge hand held water pistol's. Water pistol technology has come a long way in the last 10 years. "

We attempted to contact the supplier of the hand held devices but unfortunately he couldn't come to the phone because he has just started a 15 year jail term for fraud.

Also in today's paper:

Nigel 'UKIP' Farage Predicts How Well We Are Going To Do In the Eurovision Song Contest Saturday (And It's Not Pretty)

At The Movies: Is Fast And The Furious 6 A Car Crash Of A Movie?

Letters Boyle

INSIDE TODAY - HOW TO VOTE FOR THE BRITISH ENTRY IN THE EUROVISION SONG CONTEST BY HACKING YOUR PHONE TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE YOU ARE PHONING FROM ANOTHER EUROPEAN COUNTRY

Daily Moan (The Daily Mail)

Letters To The Editor

WARNING: SOME OF THESE VIDEOS MIGHT MAKE YOU VOMIT

Dear Sir,

As a rebuke to Twitter funnyman Frankie Boyle, following his insensitive remarks about the brilliant Angelina Jolie, I suggest readers email in their boil popping videos from YouTube as part of my POP THE BOIL campaign to make him change his name to Frankie Boil.

Yours, Jill Penisrage

Dear Sir,

Further to your Frankie Boil boil popping competition, here is mine:

Yours, Uri Gagarin

Dear Sir,

Is it just me or is this Frankie Boil Youtube thing making anybody else heave like a small volcano? Get a nicely sized vomit container ready for this one....

Yours, Shelly Pussloss