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Fergie To Retire, Fergie Letters 8th May 2013

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FUNNY - Sir Alex Ferguson & the balloon Alex Ferguson hit by substitute number board ! very funny Sir Alex Ferguson can't keep his chewing gum in his mouth
 

Fergie Going

FREE INSIDE TODAY - GOODBYE FERGIE CHEWING GUM FOR EVERY ERADER

Shock And Aaawwww magazine

FERGIE TO GO

Stacy Ann Ferguson, stage name Fergie, is rumoured to be about to retire.

Her publicity people said there was a press conference called for Sunday in which a major announcement was to be made.

Social media has been abuzz for hours after a message on Fergie's Twitter feed said: "Don't miss my twitters on Sunday!"

BREAKING: Puppy eats ice cream for the first time, page 15, 16, 17 and 18

Did You Know? A Numpty was originally a term of endearment for crinkly old people who fell over while carrying a bunch of flowers in the 16th century.

Correction: In our article entitled: Helen Mirren Shouts At Drummers Dressed As Queen, it seems that we made a number of errors. It was Helen Mirren dressed as The Queen and not the drummers. We claimed that the drummers were 'banging' outside The Gielgud Theatre, we should have said drumming. We also said that Helen Mirren is to make a surprise appearance at the As One In The Park event the drummers were promoting - this may or may not be true, we just made that up.

Fergie Going

EXCLUSIVE - ALEX FERGUSON TO RETIRE SUNDAY SOUVINIR EDITION

Daily Armstretchograph (Spoof of the Daily Telegraph)

FERGIE: "IT'S TIME TO RETIRE"

Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess Of York, and former wife of Prince Andrew, is to retire, according to social media speculation last night.

An announcement that said she would be making a major announcement on Sunday, in which she is expected to announce she is to retire, was tweeted.

Sarah 'Fergie' Ferguson has had a checkered media career in which she has occasionally been a bit of an embarrassment. But she has always been good fun and will be sorely missed.

Speculation what she will do after she retires is also sweeping social media, and includes possibly managing Manchester United, opening a post office in Chelsea and getting her own chat show on the Oprah Winfrey network in the USA.

Also in today's paper:

Leave Europe Now Or The Puppy Gets It, Cameron Told

Why It's Time To Leave Europe And Go It Alone, By Justin Bieber

Getting Skin Cancer By Laying In the Sun Could Be Good For You, Latest Scientific Findings Find

Fergie Gone

INSIDE TODAY - ALEX FERGUSON TO JOIN THE DAILY MAIL AS COLUMNIST MONDAY, IS CLEAREST SIGN YET HE'S READY TO RETIRE ON SUNDAY

Daily Moan (The Daily Mail)

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

It will be such a shame to see Sir Alex Ferguson retire on Sunday, but it is a good time to do so. He is only one angry chew away from his chin shattering into a thousand little pieces.

Yours, Jimmy Cricket

Dear Sir,

Regarding your article of yesterday, "Are you a giggler, a gulper, or a wheezer? What YOUR laugh says about you." You missed out a very significant minority of us readers who can't help passing wind when we laugh, sometimes painfully loudly, like myself and the wife. We can only watch Harry Hill with the windows open. Our neighbours think we're a disgrace!

Yours, Graeme Pavlova

Dear Sir,

I can't wait for the new series of The Apprentice to get going. I love the new feature where the ejected contestants can sue for unfair dismissal. Well done BBC, another winner!!!

Yours, Percy Winder