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Secrets Top 5 million, Rylan teeth, and Letters 16th June 2013

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Secretgate

BBC FORCED TO REVEAL NUMBER OF 'LOONIES' WHO APPLY TO BE ON THE APPRENTICE BUT FAIL TO MAKE THE SHOW

The Boobs (The Sun)

Number Of Celebrity Secrets Hits Five Million

Celebrity secrets hit an all-time high last week, following news that Rupert Murdoch has divorced his custard pie slapping away wife Wendi Deng, but nobody knows why.

Even former Prime Ministers were forced to deny they had anything to do with it, making many wonder how deep the celebrity secret hole can go from here.

One celebrity secrets expert said: "We have only touched the surface of a whole mountain of celebrity secrets. A number of new secrets are waiting to come out, but are being stopped either by injunctions, or because journalists have gone on holiday, or because some secrets are just so hideous nobody wants to write it down."

Of the 10,000 celebrities in the UK at the moment, estimates are that if each had 500 secrets the total could be 5 million, a record.

"The day those secrets all come out will be a busier newspaper day than the day after 9/11," a beggar outside our offices on £50,000 a year and living in a £300,000 house said.

Corrections: In our article, yesterday, Mystery Surrounds Boat On Norfolk Broads, it seems that a number of errors crept in. Tony Blair was not on the boat as we claimed. The seventh sentence should have read: "Liberace was a flamboyant pianist." Cake should not have been item 5 in our top ten ways to lose 10 pounds in ten weeks on a boat in the Norfolk Broads.

Rylan Toothgate

"MAN OF STEEL IS BETTER THAN SUPERMAN 4" SAYS OUR FILM CRITIC

Daily Moan (The Daily Mail)

Big Brother: Has Rylan Got Too Many Teeth?

As X Factor favourite Rylan starts his new job on Big Brother this week, a number of readers have contacted this newspaper concerned that Rylan has now got too many teeth.

Rylan, 27, underwent drastic teeth whitening for his part on the Channel 5 show, but what isn't known is the number of new teeth that could have been crammed into his gob by dentists.

Channel 5 were coy last night when we asked them how many new teeth Rylan has had inserted into his mouth for the Big Brother show, but experts say it is a large number.

Rylan, who came to fame as a single English Jedward on X Factor was said to be flossing when we called for a comment last night.

Also in today's paper:

"I Had Nothing To Do with Rupert Murdoch and Wendi Deng's Divorce" Says David Cameron

Rupert Murdoch: "I'm not the next Dr Who"

CelebrityDating.com welcomes subscribers from Essex for the first time

Letters Deng Dong

KEITH CHEGWIN: "I'M NOT THE NEXT DR WHO"

Daily Armstretchograph (Spoof of the Daily Telegraph)

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Who is going to protect Rupert Murdoch from another custard pie in the face now? He's opened a hornets nest, you mark my words.

Yours, Fred Franzipan

Dear Sir,

I have never had an affair with Tony Blair.

Yours, Betty Botsmith

Dear Sir,

Further to your suggest another tattoo for everyone's favourite teeny bopper Harry Styles. I would love to see the head of a lion on the body of a squirrel with the words 'carpe diem' underneath, if he hasn't got that one already.

Yours, Barry Lewis