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HS2 and Hyperloop, Top 5 New Cookery Formats, Letters 18th August 2013

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Loopy Loop

FREE BOX OF TOMATOES TO THROW AT LABOUR POLITICIANS FOR EVERY READER INSIDE TODAY

Daily Armstretchograph (Spoof of the Daily Telegraph)

Pressure Grows To Replace HS2 With Hyperloop 'To Save Money'

The government is being encouraged to scrap the controversial HS2 scheme and replace it with an even more controversial, but theoretically much cheaper, experimental hyperloop project that might not work backed by internet billionaires.

The attraction of a hyperloop is that people, some as old as 85, get into little pods and get pinged at 800 miles per hour to their destination through high tech drains.

The Hyperloop, which could explode people to their destination a bit like in that James Bond film at almost 800 mph, means that 200 miles could be done in 15 minutes without stopping. But this means a station overshoot of only 1 minute would be you having to walk back over 13 miles, say critics.

Sign the genuine epetition if you think it might just work here.

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Drunk Glaswegian Claims City Is Ready For Commonwealth Games', it seems that a number of errors crept in: Dug McNuggets drank 12 pints and seven shots of vodka before giving us the interview; a traditional Glasgow Yawn includes carrot, and Billy Connolly is Scottish, not Namibian as we typed.

Cookerygate

WIN A HOLOGRAM OF NIGEL FARAGE - EXCLUSIVE COMPETITION INSIDE TODAY

Daily Excrement (Daily Express)

Top 5 New TV Cookery Show Formats Revealed

1) Speed Cooking - Cooking in half the time you need to do it properly - Generation Game like

2) Whatsinit? - Cookery mystery show - contestants have to guess what is in the meal they just ate

3) What Would Gordon Ramsay Say Next? Junior chefs in a battle of verbal dexterity with the master of f***

4) Here's A Fiver, Mate, Cook Me A Cordon Bleu Meal For Four In An Hour And A Half

5) Crazy Cooking - contestants compete while cooking on a moving fairground path like ride banned for Health and Safety reasons in 1987

Video found in our exclusive YouTube video top 100 chart, published daily [link]

Also in today's paper:

This Is Something We Fracked Earlier

Following The '500 Crack Protest Against Fracking' In Surrey, Is It Time To Legitimise the Partial Dropping Of Trousers To Expose Botty Cheeks As A Means Of Protest? Yes, Says Daily Mail Editor In Surprising Switch

How To Build An Artificial Reef To Upset Your Spanish Neighbours

Letters Lion

"I BECAME A MILLIONAIRE BY FRACKING IN MY OWN BACK YARD - I'LL SHOW YOU HOW"

Daily Moan (The Daily Mail)

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Thank you for your excellent article last week, 'Is Ed Miliband A Numptie?' I completely agree - he needs to say the f word a couple of times and smoke a cigarette at Prime Ministers Questions a couple of times to make him sound grown up.

Yours, Jimmy Gravesend

Video found in our exclusive YouTube video top 100 chart, published daily [link]

Dear Sir,

I cannot congratulate David Cameron enough for his calls to protestors to give the eggs they intended to throw at him to the poor. Rather than show a leader scared of being egged in the streets, it clearly shows he is in tune with those of us who love the simple, English, pleasure of scrambled eggs for our tea.

Yours, Barry Shingles

Dear Sir,

Further to your excellent article "Angwy Wossy Fwires Pwoducer" I must protest at your sneering at people with a speech disorder. If I was speaking this letter, instead of typing it, I would be sounding like Tweety Pie myself right now and nobody would be able to stop laughing long enough to understand a word I said. Suffering Succotash.

Yours, Jenkin Jenkins