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Christmas Panic Shopping Latest, Santa Clausgate, Letters 22nd December 2013

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Panic Shopper

ALL THE CHRISTMAS TELLY SPOILERS IN OUR BRILLIANT TV GUIDE

Daily Armstrechograph (Daily Telegraph spoof)

You've Left It Too Late To Panic Online Now, Slow Clickers Told

Disorganised and super-slow clickers were warned that the time to panic-buy in time for Christmas online passed at 6:03am on Wednesday, with real life panicking now their only option.

"Any clicking now will be futile," a spokeself told this newspaper.

2013 is predicted to be the first Christmas where the number of panicking online shoppers will exceed the numbers in real life, marking another coming of age for internet shopping.

It is believed that the growth in popularity of tablet computing has led to a surge in the number of disorganised people using the internet for shopping at the last minute because they keep losing the tablet down the back of sofas and in the zippy-up bits of stuffed toys.

An Amazon spokesman phoned to tell us they were hoping to get their drone delivery service up by Christmas 2056 even though they weren't asked.

Correction: In yesterday's story: 'Jingle Tills All The Way, As Christmas Shoppers Are Out In Force On Panic Saturday' it seems that a number of errors crept in: The Shadow Chancellor is Ed Balls and not Ed Bells as we claimed. Nigella Bites Christmas Special had been accidentally replaced with the film High Society. The popular song All I Want For Christmas Is You was sung by Maria Carey and not George Carey as we reported.

Christmas Plop

WAS CLIFF RICHARD RIGHT ABOUT MISTLETOE AND WINE? OUR EXPERTS GIVE US THEIR VIEWS

Scotland Today

What Nationality Is Santa Claus? Foreign Office In Festive Migration Panic 'Meltdown'

The Foreign Office was in meltdown last night after officials couldn't say for certain whether Santa Claus would be let into the country under new migration laws.

"If he comes from the North Pole he's from outside the EU so won't be able to get in. If he comes from any of the Scandinavian countries he should be able to sneak in under some treaty or other," said a kindly soul with a big badge with the letters FO on it.

Fears that Santa may be banned from entering the country is just the latest in a long line of Foreign Office blunders this year, which included advising Simon Cowell on contraceptives, and allowing the England cricket team to travel to Australia.

Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link]

Other stuff inside today:

Alan Partridge Waxes Lyrical Over David Coleman's Death

How To Swear Like A Trooper By Just Using Your Toes

Ten Things To Do With A Christmas Satsuma That Are Banned In Alabama

Letters Deluxe

WHICH CHRISTMAS CAROL SOUNDS BETTER BACKWARDS? YOU WILL BE SURPRISED BY THE ANSWER

Daily Moan (The Daily Mail)

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Imagine my surprise to find out that I have been singing White Christmas to the music of My Way for the last 15 years. Why didn't anybody tell me?

Yours, Gary Glitter

Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link]

Dear Sir,

I saw in your newspaper an advert for a 6 second abs cruncher. I just don't have the time for that, do they do a 4 second abs cruncher? or can you just use the 6 second ab cruncher in 4 second spasms? The advert didn't say.

Yours, Barry Barryswick

Dear Sir,

May I be one of the first to wish everybody a Merry Christmas 2015.

Yours, Jim Tardy