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Daily Moan (aka Daily Mail)

Supermarkets Should Be Made To Apologise To Fat Customers As They Enter Store, Government Advisor Says

Supermarkets should be forced to apologise to customers who are fat each time they enter their stores, an expert said last night.

"A bit like some posh stores have greeters, supermarkets should employ people to greet fat people as they enter the stores to apologise to them for what they have done to them."

Fat and obese charities welcomed the move as a first step towards the long term goal of making supermarkets pay damages to fat people for making them fat in the first place.

DID YOU KNOW? 28% of women in the UK are now fatter than cows, a record.

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'UK Women Are Fastest In Europe' it seems that a number of errors crept in: The headline should have read: 'UK Women Are Fattest In Europe'. A fat Cheryl Cole could actually be as big as 24 stone, we are happy to set the record straight. There is no way of telling if a rhubarb crumble is more healthy than a rhubarb pie despite the chart that implied otherwise.

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The Thun (spoof of The Times)

Independent Scotland Would Lose England's Joie De Vivre, Says Minister

Scotland would not be able to have England's Joie De Vivre if it voted to leave the union in September, a government minister confirmed last night.

Being a dark place, Scotland, 790, could easily succumb to depression if it didn't have the cheery disposition of their English neighbours to help them run their country, it is believed.

You only have to look at that depressed Scottish chappie Private Frazer in Dad's Army to see their point. Frazer, 210, repeatedly told everybody they were doomed.

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Also In Today's Paper:

How Your Holiday In Arizona Could Be Ruined If You like To Dress Up In Denims And Have A Big Bushy Mustache

How to buy cakes in Arizona if you are dressed as a drag queen

Is It Time To Cross Arizona Off Your Gay Themed Holiday Rampage Now That Shops Can Refuse To Serve You?

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Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Hooray GGGermany's AnGGela Merkel is coming over to this country. But while she is here I think we should revert to the English pronunciation of Angela. Oh, that's the estuary English pronunciation of Angela not the Geordie pronunciation which would be far too confusing.

Yours, Burtie Snugfest

Dear Sir,

Is it just me or is anybody else abhorred that the term pie means Paedophile Information Exchange and not pie, like as in apple pie or rhubarb pie? I think telly chef of the time Fanny Craddock should apologise for making pies in the 1970s.

Yours, Harry Thistle

(Video found in our YouTube video top 100 charts, updated daily [link])

Dear Sir,

I see that Royal Bank Of Scotland made an £8.2bn loss last year but still managed to pay out £0.5bn in bonuses. So, how does this bonus thingie work? If RBS didn't pay out the £576mn in bonuses I would expect their loss to go down by exactly that much to £7.7bn, but my investment banker friend said it wouldn't make any difference. Please could you explain who is right?

Yours, Shelly Dumbfounded