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Daily Armstretchograph

Google says sorry over fattist Google Maps Downing Street search results

Google has apologised after someone noticed that searches for the term 'fat wally with a saucer shaped face' lead to pictures of prime minister David Cameron standing outside Number 10 Downing Street appearing in Google Maps.

Technicians have been working over night to stop it doing that.

The average weight of the British cabinet has fallen for the first time in five years, after a number of slim fit looking women wearing nice clothes were included for the first time.

Boris Johnson is heavier than the median cabinet weight, according to sources close to the coffee machine.

The new government continue.

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Is This Another New Low For Big Brother?' it seems that there were a number of errors: Eggs come out of a chicken's bottom and not its neck as was reported. The odd one out was Rylan Clarke's teeth, all the rest were teeth from the Jeremy Kyle show. Eggs can be poached, fried or scrambled we are happy to set the record straight.

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRAND CHILDREN, PART 88: IS MY IPAD BROKEN IF IT MAKES A BUZZING SOUND FOR FIVE MINUTES AFTER I SWITCH IT OFF?
Daily Moan

Do Panda's Poop Too Much?

Fears were growing last night that pandas, some as old as 5, were pooping too much from all the bamboo they eat, according to scientists.

Pandas, 300 pounds, only digest 17% of the bamboo they eat which means that whatever that is taken away from 100 is the percent of the poop they poop from all the bamboo they eat.

Pandas have been doing this for 2 million years, according to people who know these things, and it doesn't look like they are about to change doing it soon.

The eating of bamboo continues.

Also In Today's Paper:

Next Series Of X Factor Could Have Large Dunking Pool, Hints Supremo Cowell

Next Series Of X Factor Could Have Comedy Hats, Claims Insider

Is It Time To Ditch Clocks? Our Experts Set Out Their Stall

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5735 - CHOPPED ARGENTINIAN CHILLI SAUSAGE
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I'm trying to arrange a Eurovision party but I don't have enough Belgian waffles. There is a Polish shop nearby but I'm not sure if Polish waffles count as Belgian ones. Does anybody know?

Yours, Hillary Clinton-Smith

Dear Sir,

Does anybody know what they eat in Luxembourg? I'm having a Eurovision Party down my street and I just haven't a clue what they eat there. I'm going to risk some crisps with a tomatoey garlic dip. Someone tell me if I've made a terrible faux pas.

Yours, Johnny Rotten

Dear Sir,

I'm having a Eurovision party on Saturday but I only have English food. Does anybody know if they eat sausages, egg and chips in Europe? It would be very helpful if they did.

Yours, James French