HOW TO GET ANYBODY TO MAKE YOU A CUP OF TEA BY JUST USING YOUR EYES - EXCLUSIVE BUSINESS COURSE
Daily Armstretchograph

Crayyyziest Reality Star Who Has Ever Lived Returns To Big Brother House

The reality star with the crayyyziest eyes in the world returned to the Big Brother house last night in a desperate attempt to get ratings up, critics claimed last night.

BB Legend Nikki 'Grimacing' Grahame pulled faces, emoted, and slagged people off in the first hour of entering the Big Brother house. The last time she was on the show in 2006 she won awards, a record.

The latest plot twist came as media pundits claimed BB contestant and stripping student Marc O'Neill is set to become the most famous Irishman behind Bono in the UK. O'Neill, 5ft 2in, is described as a winning smushing of Terry Wogan and Eamonn Holmes in the body of a YouTube fitness blogger.

The who is she continues.

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Was This The Malaysian Topless Woman Who Actually Caused The Earthquake Our Gap Year Student Was Blamed For?' it seems that there were a number of errors: Gods don't care if men are topless and no Malaysian God has ever caused an earthquake if a man is topless, we are happy to set the record straight. All Malaysian Gods are men, we are happy to type. Malaysian Gods think that woman are OK per se as long as she is wearing a t-shirt or something.

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRAND CHILDREN, PART 94: WHAT'S A GEORGE EZRA AND IS HE A BIT LIKE PERRY COMO?
Daily Moan

The Sun Risks Second Earthquake with Page Three Invite To Woman With 'Mountain Rocker Knockers'

The woman who's toplessness rocked a mountain range in Malaysia is being approached by The Sun to get them out again on page three, only months after page three was set to be axed and only days after she caused an earthquake in Malaysia.

Publishers of The Sun defended fears for a second earthquake because they had a brilliant headline for the picture, which is 'Student With The Mountain Rocker Knockers.'

The gap year student who spent three days in a Malaysian jail for angering Malaysia's Gods who made an earthquake happen, accordng to court documents, is now home again.

The topless students continue.

Also In Today's Paper:

Have You Ever Knocked Anything Over While Topless?

Have You Ever Caused An Earthquake While Topless?

Is It Safe To Go Topless In The Park?

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5741 - SHREDDED WHEAT WITH CHOCOLATE BLANCMANGE
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I read your article 'Does Custard Go With Everything?' with concern. I cannot disagree with you more. Custard and cabbage is horrible.

Yours, Fred Pimplewhite

Dear Sir,

Further to your partially excellent article 'Does Custard Go With Everything?' Custard with squashed fruits pie is my favourite, particularly fruits road kill this time of year.

Yours, Benny Smith

Dear Sir,

Oh, shut up: 'Does Custard Go With Everything?' of course it does. It's also a fantastic way of hanging paintings to walls if you have no nails. Just a dollop of custard dried over two days will hold a painting up for ages.

Yours, Percy Fredstone