HOW TO DELEGATE WITH A SINGLE WINK - EXCLUSIVE BUSINESS COURSE
Daily Armstretchograph

Number Of Fivers Found In Citrus Fruits Continues To Grow Following Britain's Got Talent Final

Just hours after a magician produced a bank note from a lemon on live telly, viewers have been finding bank notes in fruits all over the Greater London area, according to local fruiterer's.

Oranges, limes and grapefruits are just some of the fruits, including lemons, in which the banknotes have been found.

Mark Carney, the governor of the Bank of England, emailed the Guardian to say the bank has plans to deal with the increasing number of banknotes being found in fruits.

What to do if you find a bank note in a fruit:

1) Take a picture and send it to Twitter

2) Spend the money

3) Probably don't eat the fruit because there's who knows what on bank notes these days cos they've been in people's pockets and noses and stuff.

The lemons on tv continues.

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Conservative Party Takes Over: Deaths Start To Mount Following Election' it seems that there were a number of errors: There is no direct link between the Conservative Party and the death of the former leader of the Liberal Democrats, please ignore what we said. Death is the normal end to a person's life - that thing where they put your head in a bottle of fluid so that they can make you alive again once medical advances mean that they can do that sort of thing is not normal, we are happy to correct our reporting. If you are drinking a bottle of vodka a day you have a problem, even if the vodka company is advertising with this newspaper, we are happy to set the record straight - the Advertising Manager has just shouted at us.

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRAND CHILDREN, PART 91: HOW TO EDIT A WIKIPEDIA PAGE WITHOUT BREAKING THE INTERNET
Daily Moan

Fatter Blatter Splatter

A noticeably heavier looking Sepp Blatter dropped food he was eating on the ground just moments after resigning allofasudden, according to our man at the scene.

The Blatter splatter took two catering staff half an hour to remove the stains because it had tomatoes in it on carpet and you know how tricky that is to get out.

The Blatter resignation is one of the quickest on record and is set to become a Trivial Pursuit question if they still make that game in ten years time.

Had he continued to eat, Sepp Blatter was projected to have become the fattest chief of FIFA since Henry 8th.

The resignations continue.

Also In Today's Paper:

Big Brother 2015 Marc: "My Topless Photos Shame"

Big Brother 2015 Marc: "My Feckin Shirtless Life"

Big Brother 2015 Marc: How To Win Friends And Influence Shirtless People

HOW TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CHOP STICKS: NUMBER 5738 - SHREDDED WHEAT WITH BLUEBERRIES
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

There is a new app, Ubble, that everyone is talking about that can predict if you will die in the next five years. When I did it it crashed by computer. Does it mean I am going to die imminently?

Yours, Sheila Dunt

Dear Sir,

I am a complete doofus when it comes to technology but I was determined to do the online survey to see if I was going to die in the next 5 years. Imagine my horror when it told me I had 50 minutes to live. This letter took 10 minutes, I'm going to catch up on Emmerdale now and see what happens.

Yours, Harry Fred

Dear Sir,

Just done the Ubble app and it told me I have a 1 in 100 chance of dying in the next five years. Just my luck I will be the 1.

Yours, Barry Suffolk