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Daily Armstretchograph

Magaluf's New Drinking Laws: How Much Does It Cost To Urinate In The Street Now?

A number of our readers have written in to ask how much it costs now to urinate in the streets in Magaluf following the recent law changes.

The new drinking laws have come into force which aim to stop rowdy urinating drunks being rowdy and drunk and urinating.

But what does it mean to the everyday British drinker who saves up all his urine all year for his annual trip to the Spanish resort?

Experts analysed the new laws to find out the various permutations and found that you can even urinate and not pay a penny for spending a penny!

Our lawyers have come up with a number of urination options to suit any holiday makers pocket:

1) Drinking naked and urinating on a pot plant by the curbside £250

2) Drinking naked, urinating on a pot plant by the curbside and when told to stop by a policeman you turn around still urinating and end up urinating on the policeman's shoe. £2200 and a night in jail.

3) Going to the toilet and being too drunk to realise you have forgotten to put your trousers back on but remaining inside the pub £0. Walking out on the streets while drunk and naked £7500 and a 'wei ei' from tourists from Newcastle who see you.

The oi oi mate continues.

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Ant And Dec Earn £23,000 A Day' it seems that there were a number of errors: Ant And Dec have never appeared as nude bare knuckle fighters on Emmerdale as we claimed. There is also a porn team called Ant And Dec in America, we are happy to set the record straight. Ant and Dec were inducted into The Cheeky Chappy Hall Of Fame in 2008 and not 2006 as we reported.

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRAND CHILDREN, PART 93: WHAT'S AN ED SHEERAN?
Daily Moan

Russia Striped Of 2058 World Cup

Russia has been stripped of the 2058 World Cup it had secretly been awarded in secret deals revealed last night.

It appears that Russia, 98, had paid for a package of World Cups and not just the one in 2018, insiders claimed last night.

The FIFA faffing continues.

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Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

I read your article 'David Cameron Continues His EU Diplomat Push' with concern. Is the prime minister literally pushing the diplomats about? That's can't be a good sign.

Yours, Gary Drugs

Dear Sir,

Why all this fuss about leaving Europe? Why can we just sneak out the back when nobody's looking?

Yours, Harry Farage

Dear Sir,

Does anybody else fancy dumplings and stew this hot sunny weather, or is it just me?

Yours, Fred Gumption