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Daily Stir (Daily Star)

Angela Merkel Chokes On Greek Olive

Angela Merkel 'puffed up like a puffer fish' last night after a Greek olive 'went down the wrong way', to the dismay of her German friends standing round watching aghast, last night.

The incident happened at an alfresco lunch thrown in her home which included hams, cheese, sausage, beer in those big German glasses, and olives donated by a Greek friend.

The olive, believed to be a green one, is thought to have reacted with the German beer and sausage then expanded up to five times its original size in a rare chemical reaction for which there is the requisitely worded stern German disclaimer on the bottle, it is claimed on the beer's internet page.

Merkel, 1ft tall when lying down, made strange gurgling sounds before a doctor sedated her according to someone or other on Twitter.

The olives continues.

Corrections: In yesterday's story: 'Extreme Breast Feeder Told Not To Jump From Plane As She Was Just About To Parachute Jump' it seems that there were a number of errors: Extreme Breast Feeding also includes Extreme Breast Feeding at breakfast, we are happy to set the record straight. There is no evidence that extreme breast fed babies are fitter than average as we claimed. Both human women and cow women make milk, we are happy to set the record straight.

INSIDE: HOW TO KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN YOUR GRANDCHILDREN, PART 102: THE PERFECT EMOJI FOR WHEN YOU ARE CONFUSED, FOR EVERY PLATFORM
Daily Moan

EEEK! Pluto Means Something Spooky In Greek Mythology

Pluto, the one time planet finally pictured by NASA after a probe traveled 9 zillion-gagillion-billion miles to see it close up for the first time yesterday, is also a Greek God who presides over the afterlife, it has been discovered.

Experts say it only goes to show how close Greece, 3567 years old, was to dying this week.

A glance at a Pluto Wikipedia page makes it look even more spooky, even though new NASA pictures make the planet look all rocky and boring, a bit like the beach at Felixstowe.

One observer told this newspaper: "Greece was lucky to escape with their lives."

The waiting for the whole of the first ever close up picture of Pluto to come back to Earth continues.

Also In Today's Paper:

Why Did They Name A Planet After Mickey Mouse's Dog?

Why Did They Name Mickey Mouse's Dog After Planet Pluto?

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SPECIAL REPORT: TOP 500 THINGS KERMIT THE FROG HAS EVER SAID
Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

How spooky that Pluto, one of Ancient Greece's Gods, is pictured just the moment Greece was at maximum economic peril this week. I bet the Gods are having a right laugh up there in their flowing robes and white beards and wine and crackers and stuff.

Yours, Benny DeVille

Dear Sir,

Thank heavens the weather has cooled down and I can go around wearing my cardigan and slippers again.

Yours, Haley Jones

Dear Sir,

I paid for my Cappuccino using Apple Pay, on Wednesday, little did I know that I could have bought the same coffee in a different shop for 50p less down the road using cash money. Word to the wise, I mean if you have paid £600 for the phone that's a bloody expensive cup of coffee.

Yours, Gary Buliva